Excluded

[xmastears]

This is going to be a bit long but I don't want to drip feed!

I have two half-sisters, one of whom is friendly (most of the time) and the other who seems to despise me. We share the same father, who married my stepmother when I was about 6 years old. My half-sisters are about 5-6 years younger than me.

Our dad is currently in hospice after a year of fighting for his life. It's been hard for all of us, but especially for him. For years, we've all spent Christmas together, either at my Dad and stepmother's home or at my elder half-sister's as they have enough room to seat us all.

This Christmas morning the DC (teens) and I went to see him, bringing a presents and a Christmas breakfast as my stepmother suggested. My stepmother was there, as always, as was my younger half-sister (the friendly one). The elder half-sister, her H and her DC, weren't there. I didn't think anything of it because Dad's room is quite small and he tires easily.

Just before my stepmother shooed us away to allow Dad to rest, I asked what the plan was for the rest of the day. Apparently, my elder half-sister had invited everyone to their house for Christmas dinner. Everyone except me and my DC. And Dad, of course, who is far too ill.

I was shocked into silence. The DC and I drove back home (an hour's drive, so two hours round trip). I'm
angry, hurt and confused. My DC haven't said much.

AIBU to almost hate my elder half-sister for excluding us?

Were you with them last uear? Who hosted? I assume your dad was then well enough to be there too.

Sadly it sounds like you have found the reason for their behaviour. There is not much you can do for the way they feel towards you unless having a big open heart possibly. Saying that, if your mil only ever tolerated you for the benefit of your dad, there might not be much to salvage with her. It's very sad.

I do agree that the will is something to keep an eye on but notnow as this would make you look very callous. It's all very sad.ut hopefully you can all make amends at somecpoint. Until then, you need to accept that they don't care enough about you to want you at their Xmas Dinner.

I'm really sorry about your dad OP. I hope he's comfortable and settled x

Enjoy your Christmas dinner today.

when you asked what the plan was for the rest of the day , as mentioned in your opening post, did you mean where are we eating Xmas dinner?

you are hurt at being excluded, quite rightly so, but maybe your half sister is fed up hosting and knows, with your dad being ill, it would all fall on her automatically and she didn't want this?

you obviously expected to go to hers and you are pissed off you didn't get asked, as usual, it sounds like you have never had to make xmas dinner for your family and even with your dad being so ill you thought you would still get it all done for you

and yet you had a full Xmas dinner in the fridge and didn't think to put on the turkey before you left for the hospital?

I'd like to hear the nasty half sisters take on all this

I have sympathy for you being excluded but you sound very entitled as well

Tofurkey

She didn't think she was going to their house! She just didn't know they were all meeting without her! Why is this hard to understand

so why did she end up with cheese sandwiches for lunch and why did she ask what they were doing for the rest of the day and why was her full Xmas dinner still in the fridge all day??

as I said I have every sympathy for you being left out and your dad being so ill, but come on............

so why did she end up with cheese sandwiches for lunch and why did she ask what they were doing for the rest of the day and why was her full Xmas dinner still in the fridge all day??

Can you actually read or what?

I do agree that the will is something to keep an eye on

I would not presume that the OP will receive anything in the will. It's not unusual to leave everything to the spouse.

why did she ask what they were doing for the rest of the day

"Hey Jen what are you up today? "

Why would you ask me that!!!!

CAN PEOPLE RFTF before piling in on OP who is already very upset!!!!!!! Fucking hell

I would just ask her wtf her problem is

I never knew how much she hated me until yesterday.

I know where you are coming from - this happened to me with my sister.

She was executor of my mam's will, (dad has died 8 months earlier - on Christmas Day, as it happens) ordered us out of my mm's house after th funeral saying 'We've always hated each other. She's gone so we don't have to pretend any more."

This was the first I knew of it. I told her - "Ive never hated you - I've always loved you. And I'm sorry you've felt I didn't. But I'll go if it upsets you."

And we left and I cried for days.

DH said "She's speaking from grief - she'll calm down."

But she didn't. It got worse. My other sister (who lived in Germany, and who had been happy enough to accept our hospitality for herself and hr two sons whenever she came over to visit) also cut ties, as did my brother. It upset me a lot - we had a very difficult and abusive childhood. I was the oldest and I did a lot to protect/ shield them all, though they couldn't know that (though on one occasion my mam and I (I was about 15) had to physically drag my dad off my sister because he was quite literally throttling her! It was terrifying - we thought he was really going to kill her!)

I still wonder what it is/was about me that made me so easy to hate. Im not perfect by any means - but I don't think I'm a bad person, and I've always tried to be kind. Like you - I don't know what happened in the relationships.

It's a different situation to yours, I know, but I really do know how you feel to be the only part of the family excluded, when prior to this there hadn't been any particular indication that you weren't welcome. That is the hard bit - you think you are part of it, and then find that for all those years, you haven't been and their previous behaviour towards you has been - what? An act? A lie? A trap?

Who knows.

And re: the executer stuff - she did make things difficult. I never got copies of any accounts (to which you have a legal right), I strongly suspect she robbed me and my children, but TBH at the time I was so upset, I couldn't give a toss.

Now, I wish I'd fought for every penny - not for the money itself, but for the principle that if my mother wanted me and my kids to have X, then X we should have.

It is dreadful when you are torn with grief fr a loved parent - you really haven't the energy to take anything more.

Please look after yourself. Try to put their selfish behaviour behind you. You have your DD and you still have time with your dad. Don't let them see how they have hurt you - and don't let them upset him.

God Bless.

Family tensions and dynamics are often at their worst when someone you all love is very seriously ill. People sometimes try to deal with their emotions by venting on someone they see as lower down in the pecking order. Elder step sister won't see leaving you out in that way because she is dealing with her own grief.

I don't mean you are lower down the pecking order with your dad. You are his much loved eldest daughter. All he will want in the present circumstances is peace and unity amongst all of his family.

I think you have to be the bigger person here and just concentrate on loving your dad. Don't mention to him any issues you have with the steps and don't allow yourself to fall out with them.

If there are any issues to be resolved with the steps leave that until after your dad has sadly passed away and you have attended his funeral in a quietly dignified way. Heartfelt sympathy op.

OP, can I please with kindness recommend you forget about the Christmas dinner and try to deal with your family differently in the New Year.

After all your half sisters are losing their dad too. You all sound in your 40's and 50's and perhaps your eldest half sister isnt dealing with her grief well at all. You dont know when the arrangement was made - it could have been finalised 5 minutes before you turned up. And perhaps they were eating cheese sandwiches too. Her and her sister's priority is presumably to support their mum who is losing a very long standing husband?

So please move on - some of your posts on here sound quite dramatic. I am sorry for your future loss and you may not see so much of that side of the family, but it is not worth losing what you do have over a Christmas dinner invite.

I'm sorry you had such an upsetting Christmas OP.

I think it's fairly normal for your step-mother and sisters to want a smaller Christmas with only immediate family. What did you think their plans were? Did you assume none of them would have having Christmas dinner at all?

We don't "do" open chats on Dad's side. We never mention problems, worries, negative stuff. It's all very "naice". HS and SM have it down to a fine art. Open confrontation never, ever happens. So I honestly don't know if my HS and SM actually "hate" me but actions speak louder than words.

Please do stop having a go at me for assuming that the DC and I were invited for Christmas dinner! I wouldn't have wanted to go through the motions without Dad. And we did host Dad's birthday dinner last year, although it was lasagna and salad because we had to eat with plates balanced on our laps. Think about it; I'm divorced, a single mum with two DC. How likely is it that I'm living in a home that can accommodate 11 for a sit-down meal? Before I divorced, I always hosted. For my PIL, my stepdaughters, my own parents, friends...

easily 15 for Christmas lunch (as it was back then) with wedding china, silver, crystal, linen... and I did it all myself because I'm horrible at delegating and XH never lifted a finger to help. My other HS lives alone in a one bedroom flat with 2 cats. So please don't assume things that make no sense. I didn't want to drip feed but some PP are making assumptions that never occurred to me.

Another thing that's very odd; "nice" HS unfriended me from FB after she accused me of not visiting Dad often enough. I assumed she'd calm down eventually but now I'm thinking that they're all slowly but surely cutting ties.

Oh my god this is painful! I love my HS even though I feel like I hate them right now. I'm not just going to lose Dad, it seems, but the family I grew up with.

And when I asked "what the plans were", I meant who would be visiting Dad in the afternoon since unfriendly HS and her crew didn't appear for breakfast. It never even crossed my mind that they'd all be having Xmas dinner without Dad.

As for the inheritance, I don't give a damn about it right now. Or later. They can keep it.

I see what you mean now xmastears, thanks for explaining. I'm sorry about you dad and the situation you are facing

Big hug @xmastears
I'm just so so sorry

OP Yanbu i am sorry it is tough really tough when you know you are going to lose a parent in advance .I cared with my sibling for my DF in the last stage of his terminal illness and it can test the strongest person .I do see where you are coming from ,i dont think you assumed anything ,you are already grieving and yes while your stepfamily are being hurtful they are still family that you grew up with ,that is going to really hurt at a time you truly dont need it .I am sorry for you and your DC
Cherish the time you have with your dad ,please dont let them spoil this for you .Grief can make people behave in ways that we cant fathom and it can sometimes be incredibly hurtful to the person on the receiving end .

This sounds a bit Cinderella & the ugly step sisters. You will see it as a blessing soon that you weren't invited. You got to see your Dad on Christmas Day....everything else is irrelevant. Enjoy your dinner today 💐