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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry & hurt

86 replies

beansontoastfortea · 26/12/2018 02:01

My dd 9 went for the first time ever to have Christmas with her df side of the family in another country... it doesn’t matter which country as it’s not necessarily important and will likely just start a ‘it’s a great Xmas over there and people going into the traditions of that country’ which isn’t really important to what’s happened... they do have some fabulous traditions over there, xmas trees, Santa and food is a huge part of it.

A few months back xdh said he wanted to take her to see his family at Christmas. He said to her no Santa, no sock, no elf on the shelf... didn’t tell her anything she could look forward to and was then annoyed with me that she didn’t want to go..

Eventually he took my advice to tell her all the great things she could look forward to, for example the food and the family and the traditions and what they do over there etc to get her excited about it... after a lot of arguing he eventually agreed to let me pack her a sock from Santa. (I had to pre fill of course and I wanted to) and I also packed 3 gifts.. pjs, t shirt and a doll set. I was thinking she will get some gifts/toys out there and I’ve got her presents for when she comes back as I promised her a second Xmas with her siblings over here.

Anyway... off she goes on the 21st for this Christmas away and even though it breaks my heart to not be with her at Xmas I made sure to encourage her and tell her how exciting it is and how much fun she will have and how her grandma over there will be so excited to see her and Xmas will be the best!!. Called her first day and she said they’d been decorating the tree... I said ‘send me a pic of your tree’... she didn’t, so thinking she forgot I asked again and she was trying to explain that the tree has gaps in it... I said ‘yeah it’s probably a real tree which is why, send me a pic is it beautiful?’ She sends me the pic and the tree is...(it sounds awful but) really quite bad... I hate to be mean to xmas trees and maybe that’s a whole nuther AIBU thread...

Ok so it’s just a tree... I tell her ‘wow, so pretty I love it!!!

Fast forward to this morning... Santa’s been! Great! He’s got her this awesome sock filled with little niknaks and sweets and chocolate!

I call her again at 7pm uk time... they’re two hours ahead... I asked her what she’s been doing and she says ‘playing with my new doll’ I asked what else she’s been playing with and she said ‘mum I can’t play with anything else I only got this doll’ ... I ask what else she got for Xmas... she tells me she got some pjs, T-shirt, and a coat!

I then try and make the best of it with her and say wow show me the coat are the pjs nice etc and then I ask what she’s had to eat...

It was 9pm there and she tells me she’s had a pancake... I ask what about lunch? She said that was lunch... ‘mum we don’t have dinner til 11pm and then i go to bed at 2am... the day before they had dinner at 1am

I’m literally feeling so so so sad for her! And angry at him! She’s a lovely sweet girl and was so excited for Xmas, brave to go and looking forward to it too... and sure presents aren’t everything but there’s no food!?

I can’t even process this actually

I’ve always felt that for xdh that it was his mum that came first in everything and I can’t help but draw the conclusion that his mum wanted dd for Xmas and dd was the gift! Because it really feels like no one has made one ounce of effort for her. I don’t understand how you can have your dd/dgd For Xmas and not do anything to make it special, not bother with the food and not Gift her anything other than a coat! I’m just shocked!

As I’m having this conversation with her on FAceTime I can see them all sitting round a table... I asked what they were doing and dd said they’re sorting out dgm new Samsung smart phone which just made me angrier... so AIBU to be annoyed by this whole Xmas experience she’s had? And what should I do? (If anything)

Of course I’m going to give her the best 2nd xmas when she gets back I just feel so awful for her!

OP posts:
Original poster
beansontoastfortea · 26/12/2018 02:05

And I’m just Fucking thankful that I pressed on for the sock as if she didn’t have that when she woke up I’m sure she would have been devastated and I don’t blame her

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 26/12/2018 02:12

Has she expressed sadness or anger? Because your post seems to be about how you feel Christmas should be. She might see it differently. DD would LOVE to stay up late like that, eat pancakes for lunch and be at the table with the adults. Don't make it tough if she's fine.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2018 02:12

Well she didn't enjoy herself, so she doesn't go again.

If it was a case of Midnight Mass, then home to eat, I can understand the 1am meal. But normally, for children etc, there would be quick light snacks.

It sounds as though they haven't planned for her at all. Which is unacceptable.

You've got to keep level headed and just explain that people have different customs.

KC225 · 26/12/2018 02:19

He is an arse. So the only things she got for Christmas are the gifts you sent, plus a coat. No fancy food, no playing with her. No wonder he is an ex.

Good for you for trying to put a positive spin on it. You know now - if he suggests this again, give your DD permission to say how dull it was.

Its only for a few days, she will be back soon. Proper Christmas then.

Original poster
beansontoastfortea · 26/12/2018 02:21

I’ve tried to keep level headed on the phone to her. I’ve said to her a lot that different people celebrate Christmas in different ways.

She’s cried a couple of times wanting to come home but she’s ‘ok’ .. she’s not as energetic as she usually is. Usually she goes for 2-3 weeks at a time and this time it’s only 6 days so I’ll be seeing her in a couple of days... when my dp spoke to her today he asked her what she got and she said ‘well most of my presents are at home’ so I think that the hope of those are keeping her ‘happy’

And yes I think she’s probably loving being able to stay up til 2am ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
beansontoastfortea · 26/12/2018 02:23

@KC225 yeah he’s a real tit! Everything is about him and the way he looks... I’m sure dd is his trophy to show off and please xmil . I would think differently if there was one ounce of something for her when she went over.

OP posts:
Maryjoyce · 26/12/2018 02:24

Sounds awful but at least she and you know so next time she won’t want go again

Maryjoyce · 26/12/2018 02:25

And it’s easy to prevent as you don’t sign and permission letter to let her go

Original poster
beansontoastfortea · 26/12/2018 02:30

Yes @Maryjoyce I mean if she wants to go again I wouldn’t stop her but there’s no way I’m going to help him and let him know how to ‘convince’ her to want to go... I don’t think she will be wanting to go again somehow which is their loss

OP posts:
Original poster
beansontoastfortea · 26/12/2018 02:33

this is the tree... AIBU? Maybe I’m a tree snob

To be so angry & hurt
OP posts:
Maryjoyce · 26/12/2018 02:41

Looks like it was a road accident but then I like lots on my tree

Maryjoyce · 26/12/2018 02:43

We’re in Thailand and even though it’s nothing here been a Buddhist country we were greeted all yesterday with happy Christmas from loads of people and had a great day

ChocolateCard · 26/12/2018 03:49

I would be devastated by this at an age where you’re into the last precious couple of years of being a ‘believer’.

Would probs now Just vow to massively make it up to her when she gets home, and start planning to go all out next year!

CanuckBC · 26/12/2018 06:09

That is what we in Canada call a Charlie Brown tree. Aka a mess but usually a loved tree due to the fact it’s a shite tree.

They are treating her horribly! Nothing but a coat! And grandma has a new phone so not wanting. I would be disappointed for her as well.

CanuckBC · 26/12/2018 06:15

PS, not the kind of tree I would have if my daughter was coming from abroad for Christmas and I wanted to show her how we celebrated!!!

Namenic · 26/12/2018 06:38

Coats can be expensive. Not fun but practical. Good that you did encourage her to go though (even if it was hard for you).

Strongmummy · 26/12/2018 07:30

Is she upset tho? It’s not your ideal Xmas, but she might be having fun or at least enjoying seeing her relatives? Tbh, I think it’s one of those experiences she’ll love retelling when she’s older. It’s also really important to have experienced her other culture. I speak from experience.

HopeHopity · 26/12/2018 07:40

Am I the only one to be 😳😳😳😳😳 at the OPs perspective?
I guess I am from THAT country.
Or anyway, where I come from which is a different country to this, meals are at completely different time and my family thinks dinner at 5 is just not possible.
When I take DC there one year for Christmas, I want him to experience it like we did, as that heritage is half of him.
No socks, no presents until the 6th of January. {waits for the gasps}
The entire holiday is about family and board games and parades and songs and I loved it as a child. I think one toy and clothes is fantastic anyway but hey that is and different thread.

I doubt that she is going hungry. They might have dinner at 10/12 but I guarantee there is food

I feel a bit sad about the pic of the tree. What is wrong with it? Our tree was probably like that. So what?

I loved Christmas and I hope my DC learns that presents and sticking to one side of traditions are not the done thing.

In my personal foreign Wink opinion, you sound very close minded and your daughter is learning from that

HopeHopity · 26/12/2018 07:41

PS, not the kind of tree I would have if my daughter was coming from abroad for Christmas and I wanted to show her how we celebrated!!!
The point is to show her what and how you celebrate, not to mimic her usual Christmas

Strongmummy · 26/12/2018 07:44

@hopehopity - I completely agree with you. It sounds very much like the OP is sad that her dd Xmas isn’t the Xmas she wanted to give her rather than thinking of the experience she’s having. I also don’t believe there’s no food. It’s just that the main meal is served late. This is why I thank god I am mixed heritage and can appreciate difference

HopeHopity · 26/12/2018 07:46

@Strongmummy 💙 now I am really missing our skinny tree and games 😔

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2018 07:51

Actually I think the tree's quite sweet.

I suspect you are going to hate the coat...I've noticed girls coats from other countries are a very different style from the UK bought costs. And it's a kind gesture.

Your ex did warn her it would be different. I do feel for your DD though, it must be hard going somewhere different over Christmas at that age.

I

ElfOnTheShelfAteMyJoy · 26/12/2018 07:52

Don't want to be one of the 'people are homeless/starving....' but do they make her feel loved, safe? Is the biggest concern not getting lots of presents and different meal timings?

Urbanbeetler · 26/12/2018 07:52

You’re judging her Christmas based on your expectations. She’ll be fine. It doesn’t have to be your way.

LadyGregorysToothbrush · 26/12/2018 07:58

What is actually wrong with the tree?

Confused