To be so angry & hurt

[beansontoastfortea]

My dd 9 went for the first time ever to have Christmas with her df side of the family in another country... it doesn’t matter which country as it’s not necessarily important and will likely just start a ‘it’s a great Xmas over there and people going into the traditions of that country’ which isn’t really important to what’s happened... they do have some fabulous traditions over there, xmas trees, Santa and food is a huge part of it.

A few months back xdh said he wanted to take her to see his family at Christmas. He said to her no Santa, no sock, no elf on the shelf... didn’t tell her anything she could look forward to and was then annoyed with me that she didn’t want to go..

Eventually he took my advice to tell her all the great things she could look forward to, for example the food and the family and the traditions and what they do over there etc to get her excited about it... after a lot of arguing he eventually agreed to let me pack her a sock from Santa. (I had to pre fill of course and I wanted to) and I also packed 3 gifts.. pjs, t shirt and a doll set. I was thinking she will get some gifts/toys out there and I’ve got her presents for when she comes back as I promised her a second Xmas with her siblings over here.

Anyway... off she goes on the 21st for this Christmas away and even though it breaks my heart to not be with her at Xmas I made sure to encourage her and tell her how exciting it is and how much fun she will have and how her grandma over there will be so excited to see her and Xmas will be the best!!. Called her first day and she said they’d been decorating the tree... I said ‘send me a pic of your tree’... she didn’t, so thinking she forgot I asked again and she was trying to explain that the tree has gaps in it... I said ‘yeah it’s probably a real tree which is why, send me a pic is it beautiful?’ She sends me the pic and the tree is...(it sounds awful but) really quite bad... I hate to be mean to xmas trees and maybe that’s a whole nuther AIBU thread...

Ok so it’s just a tree... I tell her ‘wow, so pretty I love it!!!

Fast forward to this morning... Santa’s been! Great! He’s got her this awesome sock filled with little niknaks and sweets and chocolate!

I call her again at 7pm uk time... they’re two hours ahead... I asked her what she’s been doing and she says ‘playing with my new doll’ I asked what else she’s been playing with and she said ‘mum I can’t play with anything else I only got this doll’ ... I ask what else she got for Xmas... she tells me she got some pjs, T-shirt, and a coat!

I then try and make the best of it with her and say wow show me the coat are the pjs nice etc and then I ask what she’s had to eat...

It was 9pm there and she tells me she’s had a pancake... I ask what about lunch? She said that was lunch... ‘mum we don’t have dinner til 11pm and then i go to bed at 2am... the day before they had dinner at 1am

I’m literally feeling so so so sad for her! And angry at him! She’s a lovely sweet girl and was so excited for Xmas, brave to go and looking forward to it too... and sure presents aren’t everything but there’s no food!?

I can’t even process this actually

I’ve always felt that for xdh that it was his mum that came first in everything and I can’t help but draw the conclusion that his mum wanted dd for Xmas and dd was the gift! Because it really feels like no one has made one ounce of effort for her. I don’t understand how you can have your dd/dgd For Xmas and not do anything to make it special, not bother with the food and not Gift her anything other than a coat! I’m just shocked!

As I’m having this conversation with her on FAceTime I can see them all sitting round a table... I asked what they were doing and dd said they’re sorting out dgm new Samsung smart phone which just made me angrier... so AIBU to be annoyed by this whole Xmas experience she’s had? And what should I do? (If anything)

Of course I’m going to give her the best 2nd xmas when she gets back I just feel so awful for her!

@LadyGregorysToothbrush I am now looking at our tree like
I thought ours was beautiful and DC loves it but some people might think I am stealing Christmas 😔

If pp are right, and this is normal in some countries, the issue seems to be that someone should have explained to your daughter the differences between the two Christmas'. This should absolutely be your ex's responsibility. However, if my child was going for Christmas in a different country I would assume there would be differences in celebrations and ask what they would be as part of her preparation for going as well and I find it a bit weird that no one thought to do this.

However, if your ex and I'd dm really are cruel arses and would rather your dd have a miserable Christmas you definitely don't need to send her ever again. Only you can answer that though.

I also think you can use it as a good life lesson to tell her about different cultures and isn't it wonderful that she gets to experience both, even though she (at the age she is) probably prefers the consumerism of the British one.
Which country is it btw?

I think you're being a bit daft really, so the tree and presents aren't up to your standard? At least she's not been given loads of plastic tat and has useful presents, and they have a Christmas tree so not sure what the issue is. Sure, staying up until 2 am isn't ideal but it's a few days and she's not in school so no biggie. I can't believe she's only had pancakes today though, see you sure she's not exaggerating that...seems unlikely to only feed her that

And your thread title is very dramatic, angry and hurt really?

I thinks @LittleMissBrainy has put it all very nicely.

Look on the bright side OP..think of how much you can big yourself up while slagging off your ex when she gets back.
Mummy's tree is better, Mummy's dinner is better, Mummy's presents are better.
Mummy just IS better.
You just won your daughter.

We used to have Christmas a bit like this as my dad was from somewhere else. It never bothered me - I knew it wasn’t as ‘good’ as it was at home but I quite liked the weirdness and used to tell me friends about it when I got back to England. I think you’re doing the right thing by bigging it up to her on the phone - don’t let her know you think it’s rubbish too as that will create divides. She’ll be back soon and you can spoil her properly.

Perhaps you could say which country it is, and other posters could tell you what is the norm in that country.

I get the impression that you are more upset than your daughter.

@LoniceraJaponica I have a feeling that the OP won't disclose that

I agree, I think the country is quite important to really understand

That a great tree. Looks loved than loads of colour matching stuff with no sentiments

It sounds like she wasn't warned enough nearer the time that Christmas would be very different there.

As she has gone before, I assume the late eating is not a shock to her?

Best thing you can do is what you are doing. Be supportive, keep your anger to yourself so she doesn't know and have a great second Christmas when she returns.

Plus two hours puts them in Eastern l/very southern Europe or some parts of Africa. A lot of Eastern Europe puts more focus on Epiphany rather than Christmas Day, so maybe the lack of festivities is down to that?
The picture on the wall looks like it might be some sort of Iconographic/Byzantine style so my inner detective is saying maybe Ukraine?

I think you should leave her alone for a bit. She is having a different christmas to the usual from your point of view.
Be cheerful for her but let her enjoy your time with her family without your prejudice

I agree that it's the DIFFERENCES between a British Christmas (or what the OP thinks of as being Christmas), and how it is celebrated in the other country that appears to be the problem and that is surely also part of the charm? I've lived in other countries and when speaking to people about their Christmas traditions they are indeed very different to ours. In some countries it's all about Christmas Eve - that's when the meal is eaten and the presents opened, in others it's about 6th Jan (Epiphany), so why not encourage her to embrace these other traditions too? I know they're not yours, but they are hers, as much as the British ones are. Your ex may be an arse, but your DD is half his culture too, so please don't belittle the traditions of that other country - they're not the same as our British ones - but that doesn't make them wrong or less important. Perhaps read up a bit on the internet today about the Christmas traditions of that country so you can talk to her, non-judgmentally, when she gets home?

Tree looks fine.

But next time you speak to her, tell her you've asked Santa if he can do a special delivery when she's back. She can hang her stocking and you do a full Christmas day of your own.
When we're away we used to ask Santa just to deliver a couple of presents on Christmas Day and then the rest when we got home.

The children liked it so much that now they don't believe they asked this year if we could do it that way, although we're home, after the visitors go.

I agree that this sounds like a culture clash - not a crappy Christmas, just a different one. Exh did warn you and her that it would be different. You didn't listen and didn't want it to be and tried to recreate something that wouldn't happen. Trees looked a lot like that one when I was a kid in mainland Europe. We don't all get bushy Norwegian pines imported at Christmas. Many of my friends decorated something else - not even a tree, shock horror.

I'm in a very English type of country right now and it's very unChrismassy. England has a very strong and old Christmas tradition. A lot of the world isn't like that. I live in a country in Asia that is super over the top at Christmas but honestly it's more about consumerism and aspirational lifestyles than it is about tradition. They've chosen to import a UK/US model of Christmas to replace other traditions.

OP I'd be devastated for my DC too!
Yes your stupid ex should have told her more about what to expect from Christmas in that country but also you!
If your DC has only experienced Christmas with you then this of course was going to be very different.
I would be worried to death about her

I don't know OP, I think this one's a bit of projection and sadness around your daughter not being around, and the inevitable practicalities after a split.

It sounds like he tried really, really, really hard to say it wouldn't be like the British version at all, and it isn't.

You then "argued" a lot with him to try and make it more British, which (again) it isn't.

By all means, hate your ex and feel miserable that your daughter's away at a time when you have fixed traditions, but the culture clash alone isn't a reason to feel furious.

(Also I think the tree looks nice!)

I struggle to see what's so horribly wrong there.

There is a tree, it's decorated, she's had presents, the one from you and a coat, and the stocking you prepared.

It seems she's not showered with lots of sparkly bits and pieces, but is that really a bad thing?

You are upset because she's not with you and it seems you projecting, quite a bit.

YABU. Just because it's not a typical UK Christmas doesn't mean it's 'bad' or that your dd is missing out. I get it that you feel sad that she didn't get many presents from Santa, but a pp has said, if they celebrate on January 6th or whenever, that's when she will get her presents. Its not bad, its just different (and if its the country I'm thinking of, it's awesome). They eat at different times, too - not everyone eats at the same time as we do in the UK you know! I'm sure that she's getting enough food, just not when YOU expect it. Stop projecting your expectations onto your dd. When she gets home she can tell you if she enjoyed it or not.
You're being shitty about that tree, by the way, there's nothing wrong with it

I would be worried to death about her

Really? Why worried to death, current?

I struggle to see what is wrong as well. I come from a country where traditionally you decorate a boat not a tree, either way is fun. That tree is not very bushy, who cares? They eat late, many people round the world eat late. My wedding started at 9pm and finished at 5am, would you assume it was a horrible day because of that?

If your DD has a boring time with her dad that's his problem. Soon she may refuse to go and it will be up to him to resolve the issue.

Op put a brave face on it while your daughter is still overseas , if she suspects you are upset or annoyed about how they have treated her she may get upset herself and you want be there in person to comfort her...

I'm with you op, they promised her a Christmas before she went to get her hopes up, then gave her a shitty time, a crap tree, and a coat...if you hadn't sent presents all she would have got is a coat...(that's one present from her whole family there...her father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc)...it's not good enough...it's like they lured her there under false pretended (promising her the big Christmas and giving her a shit day)

And that is ridiculous making a child wait until 11pm for dinner..especially when she isn't used to eating at that time and especially when it's probably past her normal bedtime,

When she gets home have another Christmas day with turkey and all the trimmings, tree, crackers, etc and go all out to give her the Christmas experience you wanted her to have and that she didn't get from there...

Also remind yourself in future not to let her go there for any big events in her life as they obviously don't know how to celebrate ,

I remember one of your older posts where you mention the country your ex is from.

I am from the same country but now live in England and do Christmas the British way.

Christmas is very different there but i can assure you it is lovely and as a child i loved it. We don't do elf on the shelf or advent calendars. We also don't go crazy about big expensive presents, Christmas is mostly about spending time with family and about tradition. Presents are not the main thing.

It's common for older family members such as grandparents to give children practical gifts such as socks, clothes, or coats like your daughter received. Some people just give children some money so they can buy whatever they want.

The tree looks like the tree my family used to have. We don't tend to get 'perfect' Christmas tree like you can get in England, they are rare and very expensive. We also don't decorate it until a few days before Christmas and most people decorate it on Christmas Eve.

We do tend to have dinner later (7-8) but 1 am sounds ridiculous. Christmas food where i'm from is very different to English food. My DP who is English doesn't really like any of it. Maybe the reason your daughter had pancakes is because she didn't like the food so someone made her some pancakes? My grandma still makes me pancakes every time i visit, no matter what time of day it is.

Everything is VERY different than here but i can assure you they are happy to have your daughter for the holidays. When you speak to your daughter don't sound worried or concerned so she doesn't sense that. Encourage her to enjoy her time there and learn about the beautiful culture and the beautiful country she is in. After all, that is half of her and it is important.