To be so angry & hurt

[beansontoastfortea]

My dd 9 went for the first time ever to have Christmas with her df side of the family in another country... it doesn’t matter which country as it’s not necessarily important and will likely just start a ‘it’s a great Xmas over there and people going into the traditions of that country’ which isn’t really important to what’s happened... they do have some fabulous traditions over there, xmas trees, Santa and food is a huge part of it.

A few months back xdh said he wanted to take her to see his family at Christmas. He said to her no Santa, no sock, no elf on the shelf... didn’t tell her anything she could look forward to and was then annoyed with me that she didn’t want to go..

Eventually he took my advice to tell her all the great things she could look forward to, for example the food and the family and the traditions and what they do over there etc to get her excited about it... after a lot of arguing he eventually agreed to let me pack her a sock from Santa. (I had to pre fill of course and I wanted to) and I also packed 3 gifts.. pjs, t shirt and a doll set. I was thinking she will get some gifts/toys out there and I’ve got her presents for when she comes back as I promised her a second Xmas with her siblings over here.

Anyway... off she goes on the 21st for this Christmas away and even though it breaks my heart to not be with her at Xmas I made sure to encourage her and tell her how exciting it is and how much fun she will have and how her grandma over there will be so excited to see her and Xmas will be the best!!. Called her first day and she said they’d been decorating the tree... I said ‘send me a pic of your tree’... she didn’t, so thinking she forgot I asked again and she was trying to explain that the tree has gaps in it... I said ‘yeah it’s probably a real tree which is why, send me a pic is it beautiful?’ She sends me the pic and the tree is...(it sounds awful but) really quite bad... I hate to be mean to xmas trees and maybe that’s a whole nuther AIBU thread...

Ok so it’s just a tree... I tell her ‘wow, so pretty I love it!!!

Fast forward to this morning... Santa’s been! Great! He’s got her this awesome sock filled with little niknaks and sweets and chocolate!

I call her again at 7pm uk time... they’re two hours ahead... I asked her what she’s been doing and she says ‘playing with my new doll’ I asked what else she’s been playing with and she said ‘mum I can’t play with anything else I only got this doll’ ... I ask what else she got for Xmas... she tells me she got some pjs, T-shirt, and a coat!

I then try and make the best of it with her and say wow show me the coat are the pjs nice etc and then I ask what she’s had to eat...

It was 9pm there and she tells me she’s had a pancake... I ask what about lunch? She said that was lunch... ‘mum we don’t have dinner til 11pm and then i go to bed at 2am... the day before they had dinner at 1am

I’m literally feeling so so so sad for her! And angry at him! She’s a lovely sweet girl and was so excited for Xmas, brave to go and looking forward to it too... and sure presents aren’t everything but there’s no food!?

I can’t even process this actually

I’ve always felt that for xdh that it was his mum that came first in everything and I can’t help but draw the conclusion that his mum wanted dd for Xmas and dd was the gift! Because it really feels like no one has made one ounce of effort for her. I don’t understand how you can have your dd/dgd For Xmas and not do anything to make it special, not bother with the food and not Gift her anything other than a coat! I’m just shocked!

As I’m having this conversation with her on FAceTime I can see them all sitting round a table... I asked what they were doing and dd said they’re sorting out dgm new Samsung smart phone which just made me angrier... so AIBU to be annoyed by this whole Xmas experience she’s had? And what should I do? (If anything)

Of course I’m going to give her the best 2nd xmas when she gets back I just feel so awful for her!

I’m not sure your phone calls are helping her to be honest. You’re asking her leading questions which are making her see a direct comparison between the two cultures. If she doesn’t enjoy it then she’s going to say no in future, but it could equally be she’s worried about your feelings so she’s leaving out the enjoyable bits. She’s being cared for so try and distract yourself and stop hovering - she’ll be home soon and then you get to do it your way.

• I struggle to see what's so horribly wrong there.

There is a tree, it's decorated, she's had presents, the one from you and a coat, and the stocking you prepared.

It seems she's not showered with lots of sparkly bits and pieces, but is that really a bad thing?

You are upset because she's not with you and it seems you projecting, quite a bit.*
All of this

I never slag him off ever.. my mum did that to me as I was growing up and so i know by experience it’s not the thing to do.

I was excited for her to experience the Christmas he said she would experience and it just feels like he hasn’t done any of what he said he was gonna do

Not about the gifts at all. We don’t have a lot of money ourselves and certainly don’t base Xmas on gifts.

I knew the Xmas would be totally different and I love that she gets to experience a different culture

When we were married it was never dinner at 11pm and we certainly didn’t got to bed at 2am, I’ve seen the culture and traditions there.

• When she gets home have another Christmas day with turkey and all the trimmings, tree, crackers, etc and go all out to give her the Christmas experience you wanted her to have and that she didn't get from there...

Also remind yourself in future not to let her go there for any big events in her life as they obviously don't know how to celebrate ,*
Close-minded much?

I will also add that in my country she might have gone to the late mass at midnight and then had more food at home.
MORE.
So when she is saying "no dinner until 1" I think we have to get the whole picture here.

Tbh just asking her questions about her Xmas because I wanted to show an interest in her and what she’s doing. No pressing questions... I haven’t spoken to her much so I’ll find out more about how she is tomorrow

Oh and FYI, I never slag him off but he loves to slag me off wherever he can to dd

When we were married it was never dinner at 11pm and we certainly didn’t got to bed at 2am, I’ve seen the culture and traditions there.
Please OP enlighten us with which country this is (suspect it is mine) and how many Christmases you have experienced there.
I had dinner at that time.
Maybe more like 10 but sometimes 11
Schedules are different and nobody goes hungry.

I can't see how experience something different could be bad for anyone.

Next year just keep her home.
Actually just keep her home under your wing forever.

Wait so you were married to her dad and you never went to his home country for Christmas and never included his any of his family traditions in your Christmas? You must have known that his version of Christmas would be different and you should have spent some time preparing your daughter before she went??

@HopeHopity it’s not that I wanted her to have my Christmas.. tbh I’m not great at doing Christmas, i thought she would have a great Xmas there with all their traditions but my point is they didn’t do ANY of their traditions... well not like xdh explained them to be like anyway.

Why on earth would you be worried to death. The child is with her father and his family for 6 days. They love her and look after her and she is used to staying there.

Ok OP let me get the whole picture.
You have never experienced Christmas in that country even though she is "half" from there and your husband is too?
And you are now just getting a picture from what she is telling you, comparing with the picture of what your ex told you?

It seems a lot of telling and information lost.

She might be having a bad time because simply she is away or whatever reason but I think you are being unreasonable.

I like the tree

@StorieHoose I did ask him so many questions about what they do at Xmas there so I could tell her all the things and get her excited for it and prepare her for it.

I went over there a lot with him but he never wanted to go for Xmas... he was quite abusive towards me, mainly mentally and often physically and I was very young so I wasn’t going to beg him to take me for Christmas.

I’m happy to let dd be with him because he’s not like that towards her, we had supervised visits in the very beginning and then worked up to him having her alone. I also went over there with them both when dd was 1 & 2 so they could see her and she could get to know them and prepare her for when she would go alone. So I’m not trying to stop her experiencing them and their traditions, ultimately I think it’s good for her but this time just seems like he’s not prepared for her at all.

I’m thinking, maybe they didn’t know she was coming and she was a surprise?

Yeah the Tree is pretty in its own little way... it’s a Christmas tree... it is kinda cute

I’m probably making too many comparisons and getting too caught up in information lost as you say.

Xdh hasn’t had a Xmas there for 15 years or more (we’ve been split for 8 years) so maybe it’s different to how he remembered it

@sweenytoddsrazor did I say I was worried to death? I may have but I’m not worried about her health or safety... I’m mostly worried that she doesn’t eat till after she’s usually in bed and that she’s up til 2am... I’m sure she will be fine overall.... it felt worse last night when I was up at 2am.. now I’ve slept it doesn’t feel half as bad

Xdh hasn’t had a Xmas there for 15 years or more (we’ve been split for 8 years) so maybe it’s different to how he remembered it

Probably. He might have had the idealised version in his mind. maybe he himself embellished it over the years.

But surely they all love your DD and want the best for her? Of course you want her with you, so enjoy your Christmas now and have a slap up Christmas when she's back.

Ahhhh! Xdh hasn’t had a Xmas there for 15 years or more (we’ve been split for 8 years) so maybe it’s different to how he remembered it
Now, this makes sense. Are there any other young ones there?
I have amazing memories of Christmas but now it is different and people have grown older and maybe it will feel different.
If he hasn't been there for 15 years and he told you a past version then this might be adding to the problem

But it is good to experience different things, it can only be good

@ChardonnaysPrettySister

Yeah they do love to see her and she loves to go... just spoke to her, she wanted to show me a photo album she got for Xmas... while she was wearing a new dressing gown I said hang on you said you only got a doll and a coat... she said ‘oh I meant the doll was PRACTICALLY the only toy I got so now I feel like a total fool! Sounds like she got more than she let on!

@HopeHopity yeah I’m sure she will be having a great time, the neighbors kid is round right now so she’s off to play with her... I still have idealised views of my previous Christmas.. it’s a total contrast now that I’m the one who has to orchestrate it all!

just spoke to her, she wanted to show me a photo album she got for Xmas... while she was wearing a new dressing gown 
Ahhh the cheeky monkey had MN up on arms
Next dinner was at 8 not 1 am

I'm not sure which country this is, but the ones I know best in eastern europe all have their main celebration on Christmas Eve, and going to Mass and coming back is the big thing, often meals involving fish as well! No turkey.

Visiting people is important and I'd be surprised if she wasn't given chocolate or a small gift when she visited people.

The idea of having all new Christmas decorations each year would be alien- as would matching trees! That tree is fine, it's not like they didn't have a tree!

It is difficult when things are different. I've done the cross-cultural Christmas and packed a stocking for my children as it's not the thing there.

Family is a 'big thing' though and spending time together and meals that last a very long time are common.

It isn't the same as a British Christmas and over the years we have developed a blend of both!

Your dd isn't missing out, and don't encourage her to think that way. Her Christmas looks just fine. I also wouldn't have a huge one when she returns to 'make up' for this one- this one is traditional and perfectly acceptable, I'd give her her gifts and listen to all her stories and leave it at that.

@HopeHopity yes probably! she’s probably surviving off chocolate through the day if dinner is late and I bet she’s loving.

I think i need to remember that she’s 9 and not 3 or 4 anymore and that she’s probably coping just fine

I can see it from both sides-we do the Christmas that our in laws abroad would see as over indulgent while they hang more onto the traditions fair's etc. Their trees aren't decorated like ours (which looks kind of like your pic but a bit more bonkers;)) and they give one or two gifts. If your ex was so against all of the Christmas stuff then there was your hint but yes you are totally right to be irritated too, just as they have a right to think they did a good job. And I'd always think Ireland and the UK are totally different on food-I dread travelling with the kids

I don't blame you for being nervous though, it's so hard when you send them off and aren't there- and with an ex who wasn't great, that's a hard thing to do. Perhaps she'll have a mixed time- some good bits, some more stressful bits. It's a difficult position to be in as a child as you aren't quite fitting in with your host country as you aren't from there, but everyone expects you to- same here. Don't beat yourself up too much for panicking about her and give her lots of opportunity to process and talk about the visit when she comes home. This isn't really about a tree or food, it's about mixed culture relationships which can be hard work at the best of times.

thats good, it sounds like shes having a nice Xmas after all

Ah, Op. I hope that makes you feel a bit better.

TBH it sounds like you're missing her dreadfully.

She sounds perfectly happy though

Gently, I think her Dad did try and prepare her but then was encouraged strongly to sweeten the pill?

And would it be fair to say you tried to micro manage it a bit?

It does sound like a lovely traditional Christmas where in that country - and it is half of her, so please think about how 'othering' or devaluing those traditions will reverberate.

It's just different from your norm, which is only the norm.

She's lucky this year - she can have both!

And I think the tree looks charming one made for family not for instagram!