To be so angry & hurt

[beansontoastfortea]

My dd 9 went for the first time ever to have Christmas with her df side of the family in another country... it doesn’t matter which country as it’s not necessarily important and will likely just start a ‘it’s a great Xmas over there and people going into the traditions of that country’ which isn’t really important to what’s happened... they do have some fabulous traditions over there, xmas trees, Santa and food is a huge part of it.

A few months back xdh said he wanted to take her to see his family at Christmas. He said to her no Santa, no sock, no elf on the shelf... didn’t tell her anything she could look forward to and was then annoyed with me that she didn’t want to go..

Eventually he took my advice to tell her all the great things she could look forward to, for example the food and the family and the traditions and what they do over there etc to get her excited about it... after a lot of arguing he eventually agreed to let me pack her a sock from Santa. (I had to pre fill of course and I wanted to) and I also packed 3 gifts.. pjs, t shirt and a doll set. I was thinking she will get some gifts/toys out there and I’ve got her presents for when she comes back as I promised her a second Xmas with her siblings over here.

Anyway... off she goes on the 21st for this Christmas away and even though it breaks my heart to not be with her at Xmas I made sure to encourage her and tell her how exciting it is and how much fun she will have and how her grandma over there will be so excited to see her and Xmas will be the best!!. Called her first day and she said they’d been decorating the tree... I said ‘send me a pic of your tree’... she didn’t, so thinking she forgot I asked again and she was trying to explain that the tree has gaps in it... I said ‘yeah it’s probably a real tree which is why, send me a pic is it beautiful?’ She sends me the pic and the tree is...(it sounds awful but) really quite bad... I hate to be mean to xmas trees and maybe that’s a whole nuther AIBU thread...

Ok so it’s just a tree... I tell her ‘wow, so pretty I love it!!!

Fast forward to this morning... Santa’s been! Great! He’s got her this awesome sock filled with little niknaks and sweets and chocolate!

I call her again at 7pm uk time... they’re two hours ahead... I asked her what she’s been doing and she says ‘playing with my new doll’ I asked what else she’s been playing with and she said ‘mum I can’t play with anything else I only got this doll’ ... I ask what else she got for Xmas... she tells me she got some pjs, T-shirt, and a coat!

I then try and make the best of it with her and say wow show me the coat are the pjs nice etc and then I ask what she’s had to eat...

It was 9pm there and she tells me she’s had a pancake... I ask what about lunch? She said that was lunch... ‘mum we don’t have dinner til 11pm and then i go to bed at 2am... the day before they had dinner at 1am

I’m literally feeling so so so sad for her! And angry at him! She’s a lovely sweet girl and was so excited for Xmas, brave to go and looking forward to it too... and sure presents aren’t everything but there’s no food!?

I can’t even process this actually

I’ve always felt that for xdh that it was his mum that came first in everything and I can’t help but draw the conclusion that his mum wanted dd for Xmas and dd was the gift! Because it really feels like no one has made one ounce of effort for her. I don’t understand how you can have your dd/dgd For Xmas and not do anything to make it special, not bother with the food and not Gift her anything other than a coat! I’m just shocked!

As I’m having this conversation with her on FAceTime I can see them all sitting round a table... I asked what they were doing and dd said they’re sorting out dgm new Samsung smart phone which just made me angrier... so AIBU to be annoyed by this whole Xmas experience she’s had? And what should I do? (If anything)

Of course I’m going to give her the best 2nd xmas when she gets back I just feel so awful for her!

SuchAToDo, sorry but you sound so ignorant.

My mum's side of the family celebrates on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day. The food is completely different. I spent the day before Christmas Eve with my mum, making an enormous (and very unhealthful but delicious) salad. We make it every year and it gets farmed out to friends as well as family.

I'm another one charmed by the tree.

OP, give your child a gift that will cost nothing but is priceless, encourage her to be accepting of different cultures and not as blinkered as you seem to be.

You miss your daughter, of course you do. She'll be back with you shortly. I'm sure her dad and his family miss her other times too.

Your way isn't the best way, it's just your way. If you foolishly imprint that on your daughter then a) she will be miserable and b) she will be judgemental-without-a-cause and closed-minded. Don't do that to her.

@beansontoastfortea no you didn't say you were worried to death. That remark was to another poster who had put that.

@OyOy

Yeah I can see that the tree is kinda charming... I wish in a lot of ways for a traditional back to basics/family Xmas.

I don’t think I tried to micromanage other than to help him convince her to go... because he basically said ‘you’re going for Christmas and you’ll like it’ ... to which she was not willing esp when he said to here there will be no presents, Santa and whatever else she asked so I had to tell him that if he wanted her to get excited about it to explain to all the traditions and what she can expect and look forward to.

In hindsight, Maybe I should have stayed out of it

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I wouldn’t ever slag off her Xmas with them to her even if she moans about any of it, I always just say ‘it’s just different that’s all’ I think it’s good that she hasn’t been spoiled and she’s seen how it should be... I’m sure she’s having fun

Lots of countries don't do any presents or sweets for kids at Christmas (they do it at 5 or 6 December at St Nicholas Saints day, or around 6 Jan (Reyes magos) or other days or not at all.

Many countries don't have the overhyped consumerist over-indulgence fest that now seems to make a "traditional" English Christmas....(don't get me started on new "traditions" like elf on the shelf or christmas eve boxes. More "stuff"!)

Try and be open-minded, for your DD sake

Then I will try to be open-minded about the English version

And I can guarantee there will be food and lots of it if the country she is in is Eastern European. I have a Lithuanian DIL and one thing I can be sure of when at hers and my sons house is that food appears from nowhere in bowls and platters with things like small beefburger type things to curd donuts, smoked cheeses and lots of pickles, beetroot, and sausage, black fried bread with garlic etc, so your daughter won't be starving!

I think it's great to experience Christmas in another country, it's a shame that more people can't as it would expose what I consider to be an out of control experience in the UK. You only have to come on Mumsnet to see that for a huge amount of people it is a time of family angst and disappointment.

Christmas in Europe generally starts mid December and not the 1st October like here. It is first and foremost about FAMILY, about coming together and sharing great food. Just about the whole of Europe celebrates on Xmas eve and everyone is back to work on the 26th before they do it all over again for new year. It is interesting to note that England is one of the only European countries not to do this and I think it's because as a nation we don't consider ourselves to be European.

It saddens me to to see children who share 'look what presents I got' videos on social media, where a letter to Santa is more like purchase order, what happened to asking for one thing? The parents would then add extra thoughtful gifts as a surprise. If kids don't provide a present shopping list they can't be disappointed but it gives parents scope to be creative.

My Dh and I are both British but spent a long time living in a mainstream European country, we adapted their Xmas a bit as I wanted my kids to have stockings, we made crackers for Xmas lunch, Christmas pud, and gave mince pies as gifts. We did a bit of both and celebrated on the 24th but also had an English Xmas lunch.

I have been back in the UK for a few years now and remain shocked at what a consumer driven experience it is. I think the focus is all wrong. It would be interesting to hear from other Europeans who now live in the UK to get their take on it because the ones that I have spoken to just don't get and just don't want it.

There is often more distance between families here but surely if families spent more time together during the year there would not be so much fighting and angst at a time of year when we are supposed to be celebrating.

OP you should embrace a different experience for your daughter and not try to foist your version of Xmas on her. Why do you feel that you must do it all again when she gets home? I would guess it's more for you then her.

@Molly499 I think I was just having a 2am worrying session

When she was sad about going because she was upset she was going to miss her usual Xmas I promised her we would have a 2nd xmas... I don’t really enjoy the 1st let alone want to do it again but she wanted it and it helped her to embrace going.

I’m in agreeance with you about the commercialised aspect of British xmasses... for me it’s about family and food! I just felt like what he told her wasn’t what happened but maybe it did and her version of the story isn’t all what it seems

I Much prefer the idea of an Eastern European xmas tbh but ultimately I’m not a big fan of xmas, can’t wait for it to be over and my only concern is that the kids have a blast

I sound like a Scrooge

I see what time you have posted originally!

Don't panic. As I say, let her chat when she gets back- perhaps she did miss out on some things. I wouldn't say how awful it was or how wonderful it was, their Christmas. Let her tell you.

You sound like a lovely mum who was just a bit worried. I'm sure she is having a blast, maybe she's just downplaying it to you to save your feelings.