AUBU to say Christmas has left me feeling a bit... icky

[M0reGinPlease]

DD is 3.5. This is her first Christmas where she has really properly understood what was going on. We bought her a lovely selection of presents plus a stocking, without going overboard in terms of money or stuff.

But she has been given so many presents from family and friends. She hasn't even opened half of them as we didn't want today to descend into 'unwrap... next... unwrap... next' etc. She has three sets of grandparents and two sets of great grandparents plus aunts and uncles and kind friends. She is the baby of the family and I understand people want to spoil her.

But I'm sitting here now looking around the sitting room at it all and it's making me feel kind of... icky. I don't even know the name for what I am feeling to be honest, people have been so kind and generous but she has SO much. Things she will barely play with. It seems excessive and I can't help but think there are children today who will have received nothing.

I will take a selection of things to the charity shops, things she really doesn't need or has barely noticed, or toys she already has that she wants to replace with the new ones. But I can't help but feel that she's only three and it's only going to get worse each year. Short of asking people not to buy her anything, which I don't think is realistic, plus I don't want to seem ungrateful, I don't know how to avoid this next year. It just feels excessive and has left me feeling a bit weird about it all.

Can you select a child associated charity and suggest your family treat it like an extension of yours and send gifts?

I have exactly the same feeling OP. I feel so guilty about it but it's almost a feeling of physical loathing at the excess. We have discussed this with both sets of grandparents who are oblivious. I don't know what the solution is.

Can you ask them to split what they would spend between toys and premium bonds or money for a savings account?

Could you get any of them to commit to 'experiences'/panto tickets/farm park passes/ annual entry etc? With a small toy if they want to see something unwrapped?

Can you ask them to split what they would spend between toys and premium bonds or money for a savings account?

I don't see how without being rude.

My mum asked me what she would like and I said a few things. She chose a gift which goes with something she already has, so that's great.

My MIL never, ever gets what she says she will or if she does ask what to buy she always gets something else anyway. Even if we say she doesn't really need anything she will still buy (usually inappropriate but that's another story) lots of gifts.

We've had lots of presents from people this year I wouldn't expect to buy DD gifts, so I wouldn't dream of saying 'by the way if you were thinking of buying DD a gift, can you not'. I can't really see a way to avoid it and it makes me feel genuinely depressed. It's so, so excessive.

Ask them not to buy her anything made of plastic as she is the one who will have to live with the consequences of crazy levels of landfill, not them. Maybe that can be a route into discussions about excess and that unfortunately in this era, showering people with "stuff" is a curse not a blessing.

I will take a selection of things to the charity shops, things she really doesn't need or has barely noticed

That's a bit sad, they aren't your gifts to give away. Just because your DD couldn't take it all in today doesn't mean she won't come back to it. Can't you just ask family to do it differently moving forward? Activity passes or theatre tickets?

I know how you feel, my 3 are teenagers now so gifts are smaller. I used to request they clubbed together to get big ticket items like outdoor play house or experiences like CBeebies live. Or a collection is good..Lego, Sylvania waters etc. Practical...bike, trainers, swimming lessons, reading scheme books. You absolutely can put some away for Easter and even summer. You can also counterbalance it with your dd by doing stuff like reverse advent calendars etc

Ask them not to buy her anything made of plastic

These are all great suggestions. But how do you do this in practice without being rude? Or if they don't ask?

We've had some of our family go overboard in the past. They have calmed down as more grandchildren have arrived into the family and they have more to buy for. The novility of their first grandchildren clearly wore off over time.
We managed to reduce the quantity of stuff by asking for them to buy West End show tickets or experiences like zoo keeper activities. That has helped and the kids love those activity presents. Presents like that are probably more suitable for slightly older children though.

Surely these presents will last an entire year (and you can have a plan for her birthday). Just rotate them over the year and you won’t need to buy anything else for her.

Just because your DD couldn't take it all in today doesn't mean she won't come back to it

It's excessive. I'm sure she would play with the entire contents of Toys R Us if she had the opportunity but she simply does not need the amount of toys she has received today. It's neither practical nor particularly pleasant to allow her to open a toy which she will play with once before putting in a toy box and not touching again when there are children today who will have received nothing. I would rather those toys she is not going to notice- and believe me she won't in the enormous pile she has received- stay intact in the packaging and go to a child who needs them.

Just take some and hide for her birthday, I used too no one ever found out

I was once present at a birthday that sounds very similar to your Christmas experience.
I totally get the slightly uneasy, icky feeling you describe, though I struggled to articulate it properly at the time as it's hard to comment for fear of upsetting people.

We asked for money towards annual tickets to local farm soft play place, some rellies wanted to get gifts anyway but some obliged so we've got day trips sorted for the year and less plastic tat. suitably grateful pics of delighted dds will be sent regularly to reinforce the value and appreciation.

It is excessive and frankly obscene. I think it's so good you recognise this. Give away whatever you can get away with without causing offence, hide some for birthday etc.

Maybe next yr just give your child one item as you know she'll be given vast amounts by others?

The world needs more people like you, who care and think about the impact of all this .... stuff. It might be hard to have done if these conversations, but do try to have them. Asking for things she'll need, and talking about how you want to limit stuff - if people really do love you and her they will listen. We've completely changed our family's gift giving in the last few years and it's almost entirely charity shop stuff and consumables now. Granted we don't have little kids, but the ethos seems to have really caught on. Today we only opened books, glass jars and bottles (oh and socks!) and it's so great not to look around and feel guilty. And we'll enjoy every single thing.

Op gifts are for the giver. Feel bless, your daughter has made a lot of family and friends happy today.
Cream of the presents that can put in shoebox present scheme.
When asked next year say you're collecting Amazon vouchers for something large climbing frame, cabin bed,trampoline etc.
Or ask for books!

That's lovely @cleanhousewastedlife

I think it's probably endemic of a bigger issue around Christmas really and excess in general.

I remember this from when my first dc was little. The excess made me feel sick to my stomach. It was mostly pil who would arrive with sack loads and hand them to my dd the moment they arrived. DD would be completely overwhelmed and refuse to open anything.

PIL didn’t understand and would comment that it was strange. We always take time to open presents so they are all appreciated.

As dc have gotten older the excess has stopped. We were very grateful but it was too much.

I know how you feel OP. If any of these people asks in future, steer them towards experiences/specific clothes she'll need etc. Otherwise I personally would either keep for birthday, donate to charity, return to the store for a credit note to use against something DD needs in future, or eBay and keep the money for DD. I know how that sounds, but a whole lot of just opened and never played with again toys is the worst option imo.

I would just be open and honest with your entire family: it's too much, it's wasteful when it's viewed from your perspective, so can you all, as a family, do something different? Perhaps put money into a savings account with her name on it for future educational expenses? That will mean a heck of a lot more to her down the line than piles of plastic tat now...

I know how you feel. DH and I both come from large families and the kids end up with too much stuff. I do ask family members for a two present maximum for each DC. I also insist on clothes that we are likely to get more use out of.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, my biggest annoyance is with PIL. Generally everyone else will ask for ideas and stick to that so the DC get something they actually want and will use. PIL buy excessive amounts of cheap tat from places like B&M that DC don't particularly want and that isn't robust enough for 2 boys to be vigorously playing with. So it either gets ignored or breaks within seconds. I wish they would rather not get anything than waste £20.

Can you say that she got lots of duplicates of items and ask for receipts to exchange/ refund. You could then get a refund and put towards a larger summer garden toy or put in a savings account.

I don't buy our DC gifts from me and DH because I know he'll get plenty of toys from other people. I wait and see what other people give him and will take him shopping later this week for something from us/any Christmas money he got. This year he's getting a balance bike for example - he's not yet 3 and it'll last him a few years and DS2 when he comes along. Less pressure and guilt all round.