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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed at no?

87 replies

chocolateandcocktails001 · 25/12/2018 17:56

So before I say anything to him I wanted to see why you guys feel as I do at times appear to over react according to people on here!!
I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We don't live together and we both have have children from previous relationships. I gave him a card which said to the 'one I love' for Christmas but it wasn't soppy at all and was very tasteful. Last year we hadn't been together long and if not met his kids so the card was put away so they couldn't see it. I've now met them quite a few times since then. On Sunday I asked if the kids had mentioned the card. He said they hadn't. They are 12 and 13 too so not little and can understand what's going on.
This morning he sent me a text of when he put the presents out under the tree and I could see the card wasn't in its place. I text and said 'no wonder the kids didn't mention the cards as it's not there is it.' He said that he moved it last night as he was lighting candles but there's another card next to where mine is so why would you move him be and not both? I mentioned that I thought it had been banished to the cupboard again but he just ignored it and changed the subject. I feel upset like after all this time he still feels the need to hide me from his kids. Although the kids know me I don't think he's outright told them I'm his girlfriend and he is never affectionate when at all when I'm there when they are. It just makes me feel rubbish. Am I unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
YoungLennyGodber · 25/12/2018 17:58

Yes. You don’t live together, you’re not engaged and you’ve only been together a year. Why do you care if the card is on display? Why the need to make sure everyone knows you love him, including his kids? Mountain out of a molehill.

HundredMileStare · 25/12/2018 18:01

If its only been a year and the kids have met you a few times then I think this is a massive storm in a teacup from your side.

His reason for hiding the card is probably that he's not introduced you to his kids as "the one he loves", for whatever reason. And I'd say his reasons are up to him. It is that you should be discussing with him- not the card. Maybe he has valid reasons. When kids are involved I'd say a year could be full on or it could be early days still- massively depends on a lot of things including past events and you guys should be open about this.

Basically it shouldn't take a christmas card for you to be having this conversation.

HopeHopity · 25/12/2018 18:05

Gosh Confused I open the cards, read them, feel good and then put them on the pile of random stuff on the counter

I also feel that personal cards are best put away as is a letter

FissionChips · 25/12/2018 18:08

He sounds sensible, probably keeping a healthy distance between you and his children as you haven’t been together very long.

Original poster
chocolateandcocktails001 · 25/12/2018 18:10

We were together for 6 months in 2017 too but split up for 4 months because he felt that he couldn't commit to a long term relationship and a big part of that was someone being part of his kids lives. It's was him who asked me back and said that he is now ready (13 months ago) and I've met them about 6 times since April last year. When I have brought it up he has said he is ok with them knowing that we are a couple but doesn't seem to want to say or do anything about that. What I feel probably most annoyed about is that he lied as he made out he had left the card out. He hasn't told me that he didn't leave it out for whatever reason so I feel confused as he's saying one thing but doing another! Not sure what to say.

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 25/12/2018 18:11

I don't think it's that important in the grand scheme of things. You are both taking things slow for good reason. If he doesn't want his dc know you are 'the love of his life' then that's fair enough for now.

How long was he with their mum? Presumably while together they thought they were the love of each other's life so maybe he doesn't feel it quite right to have that card up.

Original poster
chocolateandcocktails001 · 25/12/2018 18:12

HopeHopity well it's each to their own but he did have the card out on all times I've been recently (including Sunday) so it's not that it wasn't put out.... it's that it was moved intentionally then lied about that upset me x

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 25/12/2018 18:13

Yabvu.

Calm down. You're being suffocating.

ILoveAllRainbows · 25/12/2018 18:15

He felt he had to lie because he knows how you would react if he told you the truth.

Why are you putting so much pressure on him when you don't even live together?

Original poster
chocolateandcocktails001 · 25/12/2018 18:16

Pink princess I haven't said anything about him being the love of my life or vice Versa and I would never expect him to leave a card out that said something like that!! I wouldn't even usually buy one of those 'one I love cards' as it's far too soppy and intense for me but this one wasn't. He was with her for about 13 years but they've been split over 5 years now and their mum has a new partner who lives with them so they are well used to the relationship having ended now

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 25/12/2018 18:16

Honestly you sound a bit needy. I think it's weird you asked what they said in the first place but the further inspection of photos and the questions is just a bit, well Confused crazy for want of a better word

Sirzy · 25/12/2018 18:17

The card is a message for him surely not some big gesture for all to see.

Your looking for problems which aren’t there

Elphie54 · 25/12/2018 18:19

You sound obsessed. You asked, he answered, then you tried to be a detective and persist? That comes across as obsessive and needy. Why do you care if they saw the card?

SoyDora · 25/12/2018 18:19

Why did you ask what the kids said about it?

FissionChips · 25/12/2018 18:19

He lied because he knows you’d react all weird like you have done.

Don’t be so desperate and suffocating, it’s not attractive in a partner. You should be pleased that he cares about his children.

Original poster
chocolateandcocktails001 · 25/12/2018 18:19

I wasn't inspecting photos!! It was in its own with one other card on a windowsill in the photo so it was massively obvious.

I had asked because last year he made a big deal of moving it and he hadn't mentioned moving it so I presume he left it out. I was just checking that they hadn't reacted badly, that's all

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 25/12/2018 18:20

On Sunday I asked if the kids had mentioned the card

Why would the kids have mentioned the card?

Why would you ask if they had?

12 and 13 year olds wouldn't be the least bit interested in cards received by their parents, would they? Am I missing something?

katykins85 · 25/12/2018 18:20

I'm with return OP, you sound incredibly intense! I'd tey to chill out if you want the relationship to go anywhere, jeez!! I wouls lie to you too if this was the kind of reaction I was expecting!

CardsforKittens · 25/12/2018 18:20

What outcome do you want? Do you want to wait as long as it takes him to feel properly ready to tell his kids you're going to be their stepmum? If so, let it go and wait. It could take years. You'd have to be patient. It might never happen.

Or do you want to spend your time with a partner who knows he wants you, makes his feelings clear, and doesn't make you wonder if he's lying to you and others about the significance of the relationship? If so, you probably need to find a different man.

This man has already ended the relationship once. Now you think he's being less than truthful. If I were in your shoes I'd cut my losses. He might be amazing in every other way, but you're not secure and he's not worth it.

Christmasisforadults2 · 25/12/2018 18:21

It's bloody Christmas. You need to get a grip. If you nip pick over this stuff he should leave you.
They are both at problem age and don't care about who their dad dates. He seems like a very thoughtful man and you should be grateful not scanning a picture he sent to see if your cats was still there!

giveitfive · 25/12/2018 18:23

You asked if you are over reacting. You are.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/12/2018 18:24

Clearly this is not about the card. It's about your relationship being out in the open with his children.

But if you raise this with him from the point of view of the all-important card, you're just going to look crazy.

I think it's a good thing you posted asking about this, as yes, you clearly do over-react to things. Or perhaps just fixated on the wrong thing.

Elphie54 · 25/12/2018 18:25

Yes you are being extremely unresonable and need to get a grip. Just because their mother has a new partner does not mean he is ready to introduce you as a steady figure (not just meet them here and there) in his children’s lives yet. Like it or not, their feelings and needs come first. Honestly, if my new partner were behaving like you, it would very quickly be over. You are not their step mom and things will move at his family’s pace. If you can’t accept that, perhaps you should move on.

FascinatingCarrot · 25/12/2018 18:28

You are definately overreacting, definately bvu and need to let go of him so tighly. You are strangling him. It will come in its own good time if you take it at a slower pace.
I bet you wont though, you'll push and push until he dumps you. Again.

Lucyccfc · 25/12/2018 18:28

OP - AIBU

Everyone - yes, over reacting

OP - no I'm not

Zzzzzzzx

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