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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a large grown man shouldn't shout at a child this way

78 replies

truthtopower · 25/12/2018 17:23

For context, I'm sharing Christmas with a friend's family. From my side, me and my dd age 5. From hers 3 generations, I know them all reasonably well, more the women than men.

We had a lovely lunch at theirs, then present opening for them when my dd got a bit bored as they had left her present and mine elsewhere so nothing to open, they did apologise, all was fine.

I played with my DD and another same age, both giggling, running, tickling. Unfortunately they ran behind the Christmas tree which is not too tall on plastic stand, it began to topple. At this point my friend's OH shouted, and I mean really shouted, with a lot of anger and force to them to stop. Everyone went silent noone said anything, it completely changed the mood.

AIBU to be really mad at this guy? The way he shouted was completely disproportionate to what the girls did. It's not a fussy house or carefully set up tree, at all. Bit of tinsel, few plastic baubles and flashing lights. He is well over 6 foot, shouting this way at 2 girls under 5. Not adults, so the power balance is completely off. My DD sees him a few times a year, so doesn't know or trust him enough to be parented by him. And has no male in her life, so I'm aware this is one of hey only interactions with an adult man, I don't want her to think this is normal.

No one said anything. Conversation gradually regards started but not as comfortably as before. I'm very conflict averse. Still wondering whether I should have said something if so what. I was aware of not wanting to spoil the day by causing a row. Still thinking maybe I should have stuck up for dd. Or would others accept this as 'discipline'? I could have taken DD and walked out, I didn't. Would that have been an over reaction on my part? She doesn't have anyone else to stick up for her.

The guy made some comment a whole ago about the kids owing him an apology, whereas if anything I think he owes the girls one for being so aggressive towards 2 children. AIBU?

OP posts:

JamieFraser · 25/12/2018 17:27

It depends...i rarely shout but if ib was b worried that children would be hurt then I would be loud. Was it that he had a fright or did he continue shouting after they'd stopped running?

Elfinablender · 25/12/2018 17:28

Was this man the other kid's father?

clockworklime · 25/12/2018 17:28

Any backstory to this?

PositiveVibez · 25/12/2018 17:30

So kids were being mad, running round and knocked over a Christmas tree. Yes, I'd have been pissed off. I may not have shouted, because that's not how I deal with things that piss me off, but I definitely would have said something.

You say the Christmas tree was nothing special, but it may have been to them.

I wouldn't have let my child play like that in someone else's house tbh.

sackrifice · 25/12/2018 17:30

Erm...why didn't you say he needs to apologise and if he doesn't you take your daughter and leave.

alansleftfoot · 25/12/2018 17:32

So the kids were running around in someone else's house and nearly knocked over the tree ? Did you apologise for that ?

lastqueenofscotland · 25/12/2018 17:32

What did he shout
Was it
STOP THAT NOW or a massive rant. Because I can understand the former if two over excited small children were paying him no attention and were potentially about to knock a tree over

UnknownStuntman · 25/12/2018 17:35

Your child should have learned how to behave in someone else's house and if you can't parent her adequately, then you can't complain when someone else has to discipline her.

Elfinablender · 25/12/2018 17:36

There's a good chance I'd have told my kid to stop with some volume if they were at risk of having a tree, complete with glass baubles and electric lights, toppling on them.

SaucyJack · 25/12/2018 17:37

I dunno if he was U. I wasn’t there, and it’s impossible to tell from your OP.

You’re doing a very good job of underplaying your own part in winding the kids up in the first place tho, so kudos to you for that.

EwItsAHooman · 25/12/2018 17:38

5yo DS toppled our tree the other day due to running around it. At the moment it toppled, DH bellowed "DS, NO! STOP!" mainly because he got a bit of a shock and thought it was going to land on DS. Once we made sure DS was okay and righted the tree, DS was told why it's not alright to run around the tree like that - its unsafe, he could break decorations, and running is for outside not inside - and he was asked to apologise which he did.

More context is needed before it's possible to say if YABU, especially as it sounds like you were encouraging them to run while indoors which is generally a no in our house.

1ndig0 · 25/12/2018 17:39

I think it’s one of those situations where you had to be there tbh.
I would be annoyed if a grown woman was hurtling about with two children and causing the Xmas tree to almost topple. That sounds ridiculous.
Could it be that you’re super/sensitive to a raised voice and are attributing aggression because it came from a man, given that you and your DD aren’t used to this?
Or maybe he did really shout unneccesssarily, I don’t know?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 25/12/2018 17:41

Yabu. Children shouldn’t be running around in someone else’s house.

lastqueenofscotland · 25/12/2018 17:41

Tbf very very very few people have houses big enough to run safely in, so he may have already been slightly wound up and anxious about that. Had to be there I guess

MojoMoon · 25/12/2018 17:41

What did he shout at them? "Stop that" or a full length tirade about how stupid they are?

Former - fine. They were about to knock a tree over - those can do some damage to the house, to a person under it etc, smash glass, require lots of sweeping up.

The latter - then a problem. Should have done something at the time.let it go for today.

MrMeSeeks · 25/12/2018 17:43

It’s their-tree,who are you to say its nothing?
Our tree looks like a piece of crap, but its ours and i’d be pissed off if a friend had no respect for my stuff.

Happygoldfinch · 25/12/2018 17:43

Not adults, so the power balance is completely off - That's the nature of disciplining children, and if no one else was doing it I guess he felt it fell to him. If I had a houseful and kids were running around enough to disrupt the enjoyment of others, I'd have had a go, too. My frustration would also be aimed at the parents who were not modifying their children' behaviour. Could he have shouted so loudly to make a point to the parents as well as to assert his expectations to the children? Maybe the guests went quiet because they all felt relieved that someone had spoken up and were quietly supporting the man.

Pieceofpurplesky · 25/12/2018 17:44

You should have stopped them as you were playing with them - so he didn't need to shout. I would not have been happy if kids went behind my tree - and aren't most trees quite near to a walk to squeeze behind.

Wolfiefan · 25/12/2018 17:44

No way to tell on here how he shouted “this way” at them.
But children shouldn’t be running round the house and hiding behind the tree. Maybe Christmas at home next year?

GinIsIn · 25/12/2018 17:45

I shouted when DS nearly knocked over our tree too - “NO, LOOK OUT!!” As it’s a 7ft tree and he’s 2, so would have been hurt. There’s a difference between a warning shout and an angry rant and you haven’t said which it was.

alansleftfoot · 25/12/2018 17:46

Your snooty dismissal of their tree is uncalled for

UhYeahISureHopeItDoes · 25/12/2018 17:48

You should have patented your child and nobody else would have had to step in. If you don't like someone else's discipline technique you should intervene before they have too. IMO you were in the wrong for letting your child run riot and nearly knock over the tree on Christmas Day. I'm not saying they can't play and shout and have fun, but who really lets 2 under 5's piss about running round the tree? The whole situation would have been avoided if you parented your child.

Pernickity1 · 25/12/2018 17:48

What exactly did he shout OP? If I thought he was really out of order I would probably have told him to lower the tone, I get quite defensive over my DC though (they’re angels don’t you know )

youarenotkiddingme · 25/12/2018 17:49

My ds wouldn't have been freaked out by the big tall man bellowing at him if he'd been running around a Christmas tree (especially someone else's) to the point the nearly knocked it over.

He'd have been pretty silent and still after my reaction though

Point is he shouldn't have to of been the one disciplining them.

OneForTheRoadThen · 25/12/2018 17:52

You and your DD sound like difficult guests. At 5 she should be able to sit and watch others open presents - she would see this at friends birthday parties surely or if not then play quietly or read a book etc.

I'd be pretty pissed off if an adult was running around this way, I'd probably go in the garden if I was in your position and let the kids blow off a bit of steam outside.

All this talk of power imbalance is a bit weird - do you not discipline your daughter then?

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