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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a large grown man shouldn't shout at a child this way

78 replies

truthtopower · 25/12/2018 17:23

For context, I'm sharing Christmas with a friend's family. From my side, me and my dd age 5. From hers 3 generations, I know them all reasonably well, more the women than men.

We had a lovely lunch at theirs, then present opening for them when my dd got a bit bored as they had left her present and mine elsewhere so nothing to open, they did apologise, all was fine.

I played with my DD and another same age, both giggling, running, tickling. Unfortunately they ran behind the Christmas tree which is not too tall on plastic stand, it began to topple. At this point my friend's OH shouted, and I mean really shouted, with a lot of anger and force to them to stop. Everyone went silent noone said anything, it completely changed the mood.

AIBU to be really mad at this guy? The way he shouted was completely disproportionate to what the girls did. It's not a fussy house or carefully set up tree, at all. Bit of tinsel, few plastic baubles and flashing lights. He is well over 6 foot, shouting this way at 2 girls under 5. Not adults, so the power balance is completely off. My DD sees him a few times a year, so doesn't know or trust him enough to be parented by him. And has no male in her life, so I'm aware this is one of hey only interactions with an adult man, I don't want her to think this is normal.

No one said anything. Conversation gradually regards started but not as comfortably as before. I'm very conflict averse. Still wondering whether I should have said something if so what. I was aware of not wanting to spoil the day by causing a row. Still thinking maybe I should have stuck up for dd. Or would others accept this as 'discipline'? I could have taken DD and walked out, I didn't. Would that have been an over reaction on my part? She doesn't have anyone else to stick up for her.

The guy made some comment a whole ago about the kids owing him an apology, whereas if anything I think he owes the girls one for being so aggressive towards 2 children. AIBU?

OP posts:
EwItsAHooman · 25/12/2018 17:52

I have a friend who would come to my house, whip my DC up into giddy levels of excitement and then take the hump when DC ended up in trouble for over the sort of top silliness that leads to accidents, near misses, or breakages. We ended up having words after DD was sent to her room to calm down, I told her I'd be up soon to talk to her about her behaviour and why it wasn't acceptable (a fun fighting game that had escalated and escalated, instructions to stop were ignored, until she thumped her brother full belt in the mouth and burst his lip). Friend "went to the toilet" but actually went to DDs room and when I got there was having a chat with her saying that she knew DD didn't mean to thump her brother and that I was very sorry I raised my voice with her, that she understood why DD was cross about being sent to her room, and so on. We had to have an awkward but much needed conversation about where her friendship ends and my authority as a parent begins.

CaptainsYuleLog · 25/12/2018 17:53

My DCs wouldn't have been running around like that. Your fault.

EwItsAHooman · 25/12/2018 17:56

And yes, if we were guests in someone's home and my DC had been behaving in a way that ultimately resulted in our hosts or another guest having to shout at them then I'd be expecting my my DC to apologise to that person not the other way around!

Doobee · 25/12/2018 18:00

I think it depends on what he shouted and for how long. If it was me, I’d have shouted if kids were about to knock the tree over! That’s potentially lethal! Your attitude to their tree and the fact you were inciting them to charge around is a bit disrespectful to be honest. I think you’re in the wrong here unless he used bad language and threats?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 25/12/2018 18:00

In the absence of any further information, I'm going to have to say YABU.

I would have shouted as well if one or more children, seemingly egged on by a parent, almost knocked over my tree. Your opinion on the tree doesn't matter.

I can see how a big bloke is intimidating, but this wasn't his fault. You owe your hosts an apology IMO.

danni0509 · 25/12/2018 18:02

To be honest it could of been a spare of the moment see danger and panic shout?

I'm not a shouter, i tell dc off but not shout iyswim but if I see a dangerous stop right now situation I'll shout yes.

But not at other people's children I must say.

BumDisease · 25/12/2018 18:04

"It's not a fussy house or carefully set up tree, at all. Bit of tinsel, few plastic baubles and flashing lights."

🙄

Normalnorman · 25/12/2018 18:04

Sounds like most of my older male relatives they can't speak to their wives, partners, children or pets they shout and yell and slam and bully.
I don't have anything to do with them but you can't change or make much difference to someone like that. They are only likely to be increasingly annoyed and agitated by you or your kids just don't visit again.

Papergirl1968 · 25/12/2018 18:05

You sound rather precious.
He wasn’t aggressive towards two children. He yelled at them because they were being wild and nearly knocked his tree over. He doesn’t owe them an apology and yes, it would have been a huge over reaction to take your daughter and leave.
You posted a few weeks ago about your dd having behavioural problems at school, and being unpredictable and at times aggressive. My own (adopted) dds have behavioural problems as a result of past trauma so I’m not unsympathetic but winding her up and allowing her to run wild in a house full of people probably wasn’t the best idea, Christmas or not.

clockworklime · 25/12/2018 18:05

hahaha totally missed this

It's not a fussy house or carefully set up tree

Snooty cah

marvellousnightforamooncup · 25/12/2018 18:05

I'd have shouted if the kids knocked over the Christmas tree if they were my kids or someone else's.

Pavlova31 · 25/12/2018 18:06

They should not have been running anyway especially near the Tree.
Yes they needed calling away. Shards of glass from broken baubles and risk of shock from the lights cable Hmm

Excited101 · 25/12/2018 18:08

I’d be really pissed off us you let your children run around my house op, and would probably yell if they started to knock the tree over- it could well have been the final straw.

Aridane · 25/12/2018 18:09

YABU

Did you apologise?

UnknownStuntman · 25/12/2018 18:11

Norman, the little brats nearly sent the tree tumbling, of course the bloke shouted. He wanted to get their attention to stop them from the inevitable accident.

Maybe you should stop projecting and learn to, you know, read?

GreyGardens88 · 25/12/2018 18:12

Maybe he had to step in because you weren't DOING ANYTHING to stop them running amok??

FrancisCrawford · 25/12/2018 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 25/12/2018 18:12

I would never encourage my DDs to run around in someone else's house, and I would have been mortified and apologetic if they had come close to knocking over the Christmas tree.

Shouting at children is never justified, but it's understandable that your friend's OH was annoyed at your DD's behaviour.

DishingOutDone · 25/12/2018 18:13

Running Amok!! How very dare they!! And they (some idiots eh?) say Christmas is for children?

Clearly not. Hmm

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/12/2018 18:15

Was there nothing else you could have played with your DD? Something that didn’t end up with them all wound up. It sounds dangerous and a bit irritating tbh.

clockworklime · 25/12/2018 18:17

Sockpuppet? 😂

HopeHopity · 25/12/2018 18:18

I don't like shouting.
However it is very hard to get a full picture.
I think our house is "not fussy" as you describe. Every time SIL visited with the children would be endless jumping on sofas/ beds/ running, throwing, shouting...
We never say anything but to be honest it makes me so anxious.
I don't let my DC do certain things unless we are home or the host suggests.
But again, not sure of how the running went on in your case OP

I would be upset if someone shouted at my DC, but I am always quite on top of it if we are out and about

Frankswife87 · 25/12/2018 18:18

If it was my kid running around going daft and knocking stuff down I'd be shouting stop! It's got nothing to do with him being a big scary man over 6 foot op, maybe you should teach your child how to behave respectfully in other people's houses. If he was ranting then obviously he was bang out of order. We had to intervene some while ago otherwise or DNephew would of got seriously hurt, he was running around going daft and ran into our TV and it almost topled on him and would of done damage, said parents were glued to there mobile phones and were very offended because my DH shouted panicked stop! DNephew was certainly not used to being told what to do and cried but I'd rather the alternative then DNephew getting hurt, another occasion DH was driving Dil Dneice and DNephew home and doing 60 miles on the motor way when the door alarm went off because even though DN was in a car seat he tried to open car door now that would off been tragic! DNephew or sil certainly did not like DH screaming out off pure panick and got called grumpy. Sometimes it's necessary op to shout if it prevents an accident.

HopeHopity · 25/12/2018 18:19

Oh, and if he was behaving fine and someone shouted I would say something, because I would be there to judge the behaviour

Ethel36 · 25/12/2018 18:20

If my kids had run around and knocked down anyone's Xmas tree them I would shout, "no, stop it..watch out" then I would have pulled them to one side and told them it was not acceptable to run around wild in someone's house and to calm down, otherwise we will have to leave. I definitley woukd have apologised to the host for knocking over their tree. Your negative opinion of their tree is irrelevant and disrespectful. Why didn't you tell your child off?! Of course someone else had to step in if you didn't stop it. As long as he didn't swear at them or shout for a long time. I think he needed to tell them off, otherwise they'll do it again!

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