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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a large grown man shouldn't shout at a child this way

78 replies

truthtopower · 25/12/2018 17:23

For context, I'm sharing Christmas with a friend's family. From my side, me and my dd age 5. From hers 3 generations, I know them all reasonably well, more the women than men.

We had a lovely lunch at theirs, then present opening for them when my dd got a bit bored as they had left her present and mine elsewhere so nothing to open, they did apologise, all was fine.

I played with my DD and another same age, both giggling, running, tickling. Unfortunately they ran behind the Christmas tree which is not too tall on plastic stand, it began to topple. At this point my friend's OH shouted, and I mean really shouted, with a lot of anger and force to them to stop. Everyone went silent noone said anything, it completely changed the mood.

AIBU to be really mad at this guy? The way he shouted was completely disproportionate to what the girls did. It's not a fussy house or carefully set up tree, at all. Bit of tinsel, few plastic baubles and flashing lights. He is well over 6 foot, shouting this way at 2 girls under 5. Not adults, so the power balance is completely off. My DD sees him a few times a year, so doesn't know or trust him enough to be parented by him. And has no male in her life, so I'm aware this is one of hey only interactions with an adult man, I don't want her to think this is normal.

No one said anything. Conversation gradually regards started but not as comfortably as before. I'm very conflict averse. Still wondering whether I should have said something if so what. I was aware of not wanting to spoil the day by causing a row. Still thinking maybe I should have stuck up for dd. Or would others accept this as 'discipline'? I could have taken DD and walked out, I didn't. Would that have been an over reaction on my part? She doesn't have anyone else to stick up for her.

The guy made some comment a whole ago about the kids owing him an apology, whereas if anything I think he owes the girls one for being so aggressive towards 2 children. AIBU?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2018 18:23

truthtopower my uncle shouted at me at a family dinner when I was about ten. It scared me and I still remember it! That was over 40 years ago.

My mother shouted a fair bit too but it never scared me. Adult males need to know that they can be very scary. Women can be too. But there is something very scary about adult men.

The OP didn't say the tree fell, she said "... they ran behind the Christmas tree which is not too tall on plastic stand, it began to topple..."

So a disproportionate response from the man. I try and always apologise if I shout at my kids and I would never shout at someone else's kids unless I felt they were in danger. Once I knew they were not in danger, I would explain why I shouted, to the kid and the parent.

RebootYourEngine · 25/12/2018 18:25

I shouted at my DNs today. They were running around and nearly broke something of mine. I had asked them a couple of times to stop but they didn't listen so I just shouted 'WILL YOU STOP IT' No harm done. I'd rather they heard that than hurt themselves or break something.

Insomnibrat · 25/12/2018 18:25

YABU

Other people were opening their presents, could your DD not sit or be quietly occupied, even interested in this for like, 20 mins max?

It sounds like he'd had enough of you, plus children tear arseing around the house, sending the Christmas tree spinning while they just wanted to open some gifts. I kind of don't blame him.

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2018 18:29

OneForTheRoadThen

"You and your DD sound like difficult guests."

OP you really do not sound like difficult guests!

" At 5 she should be able to sit and watch others open presents - she would see this at friends birthday parties surely or if not then play quietly or read a book etc." Sorry but I don't know how many 5 years olds you know but I don't know many who would sit and watch others open presents at 5, and not get a present! And take it well, and be quiet and read a book!

OP can you clarify if the tree was actually knocked over.

The point ab out the tree not being fancy is not that it was bad, but that had (horrors!) been knocked over it might have been re-erected quite easily. If it was a massive fir tree decorated with glass baubles and candles this might have explained the reaction.

Our tree is also nothing fancy, if it fell over, we would cope. Did it fall over?

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2018 18:30

"Other people were opening their presents, could your DD not sit or be quietly occupied, even interested in this for like, 20 mins max?"

yeah kids love watching other people opening their presents...

OP I am sorry you are getting a hard time, I can't take this thread seriously if people think 5 year olds are interested in watching other people open presents. They can barely cope when it is someone else's birthday but on Christmas day....

alansleftfoot · 25/12/2018 18:31

Nice name change op

OneForTheRoadThen · 25/12/2018 18:32

Well we will have to agree to disagree then italiangreyhound

Allthewaves · 25/12/2018 18:33

So they were trying to open gifts and you were making the kids run around, squealing and nearly knocked the tree over - yeah I would have shouted

Crimbobimbo · 25/12/2018 18:35

He probably wanted to shout at you.

I think sometimes when adults are worried they 'over shout' so to speak. Hard to say from your op really given you didn't say what he said.

Insomnibrat · 25/12/2018 18:35

There is really nothing other than run round someone else's house like lunatics that you could have done to occupy your DD while this other thing was going on?

Nothing? Colouring? Anything??

OhWotIsItThisTime · 25/12/2018 18:37

I would have shouted. They shouldn’t have been running around the tree - you should have stopped this. He yelled because the tree was toppling. This could have resulted in smashed glass all over the floor plus have ruined the tree.

You should have thought about how to occupy your dd during their present opening.

RebelWitchFace · 25/12/2018 18:37

I shouted at the cat and DD when they were fucking about near the tree and it looked like it was going to topple over. It wasn't in anger it was fear and shock that they might get hurt. It's why we have a fake tree as I'm too worried about a real one falling on top of them. They're both getting better as the years go on.

Lizzie48 · 25/12/2018 18:40

@Papergirl1968

My 2 DDs are adopted as well and DD1 (9) in particular has been challenging. Thankfully we don't have to cope with her running wild now. But DH and I always did our best to keep her calm, we would never have encouraged her or DD2 (now 6) to run wild around someone else's house.

It's called respecting other people's houses. Especially as they're friends who have kindly invited them to come to their house for Christmas.

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2018 18:46

OneForTheRoadThen

"Well we will have to agree to disagree then italiangreyhound" I am always up for agreeing to disagree, especially at Christmas. Smile

Crimbobimbo "He probably wanted to shout at you." I think you have hit the nail on the head!

currentcake · 25/12/2018 18:47

@Frankswife87 no child locks??

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/12/2018 18:56

@truthtopower - I would have shouted too! Playing boisterous chasing/tickling games near the Christmas tree is not safe or sensible, and you, as the adult, should have know this.

Even if nothing on the tree was fragile, someone could still have been hurt when it was knocked over.

YABVU.

jessstan2 · 25/12/2018 18:59

The tree wasn't knocked over, it toppled.

It wasn't just the op's daughter running around but her and another child.

Children do get over excited at Christmas and at birthday parties.

No-one needs to apologise for anything, nothing really happened.

EwItsAHooman · 25/12/2018 19:02

Children do get excited but an adult shouldn't be actively whipping them up when they're already excited enough as it is and certainly shouldn't have been encouraging running indoors.

LynetteScavo · 25/12/2018 19:10

It sounds like you were razzing the children up and it got out of hand.

It doesn't matter how tall the person shouting was, or what sex they were...they were made to feel uncomfortable enough to feel the need to put a stop to the situation. I think you should have realised the way you were interacting with the children wasn't appropriate for indoors, whether the house was smartly or not.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/12/2018 19:11

I think you have well and truly down-played your part in the incident, to a quite noticeable degree. Kids running around inside, with people, presents and trees around is beyond annoying.

But, on the other hand, I can't imagine a single man I know reacting to something like that by shouting. DH would never shout at a 5YO in a million years and I'd be beyond mortified if he did.

Maybe a 'woah - careful!' type yell, but in a friendly, there's nothing to panic about way.

Heatherjayne1972 · 25/12/2018 19:24

I suspect the ‘playing’ you were doing with the children was winding them and him up and the running behind the tree was the last straw

It really gets on my nerves when kids including my own won’t play quietly and roll about on the floor

Op from what you’ve said it sounds like not great parenting in someone else’s home

I think you need to apologise
I wouldn’t invite you again tbh

Santasushi · 25/12/2018 19:28

Depends what he shouted really. ‘Be careful’ or ‘mind the tree’ is completely acceptable imo.

Oblomov18 · 25/12/2018 19:29

I completely disagree. Nothing wrong with shouting. It's not aggressive or abusive. OP sounds too soft and not disciplining her own child enough.

Frankswife87 · 25/12/2018 19:35

@currentcake yes unfortunately my silly DH had deactivated them as they were a bugger to get back off etc plus our kids are older, it was as much our fault with the car incident however sil was more upset that we had shouted In panick and still once we had explained that DN had attempted to open the door that's why we had shouted all we got was you're just grumpy , however lesson learned the child locks got reactivated immediately , sorry i make no sense I've had a glass of wine Xmas Grin

Adviceandguidanceneeded · 25/12/2018 19:39

YABU , I shout over things like this it's not aggression more panic , if the tree was toppling over, however tacky you think it is, that could be dangerous and messy. These people kindly hosted for you which can be stressful anyway , you sound precious