To think my kids are better off without me

[Itsanothernamechange]

Basically that. PS NOT A BEGGING THREAD

Background.

I have 2 kids by 2 men, oldests dad was handy with his fists resulting in him being dragged off by the police, a restraining order and months/years of him being unreasonable with regards to contact. He took the rent money left me in crazy amount of debt due to lying about paying the bills.
Youngest dad walked out on my birthday september this year as he found paying for bills etc was all too much for him. Hes ran back to his mum hasn't paid me maintance at all currently owes me 800. CMS says he should pay some in January. He earns £1900 lives rent/bill free. He yet to return his keys as I still have his tv he can have it but is too busy apparently to come for it.

I work full time oldest in breakfast club youngest at a childminder. I rely on universal credit to help with this.
It took 8 weeks to get universal credit to start paying anything. during this time I was having to live of £35 per week as childcare, rent and bills ate up all my wages plus some. I've had to get payday loans to cover shortfalls This month I wont be able to pay my rent and im going to be 2 weeks late on my childcare because even though my ex said to help me he would pay the council tax gas and electric etc until dec (which he did) he then called up and said he left in sept and got himself a nice refund of nearly 330 council and 200 gas/electric. I now need to pay that. It bloody sucks.

I leave the house at 7 am im not back until 530 and I cant keep a roof over the kids heads. I may have to quit my job because I cant pay the childcare. I have nothing to sell, I don't drive I don't drink, I don't smoke I've never taken drugs, my last holiday was 3 years ago in a caravan.

I feel my kids would be better off in foster care, It will break me but I cant provide for them anymore. Xmas is small this year im thankful I brought stuff before the ex left otherwise it would be very bare under the tree come tomorrow. Luckily the youngest is 1 so doesn't get it and the oldest is easily blagged hes more into the magic than the gifts.

Anyway thanks for reading my pity party post its been cathartic tapping it out

merry xmas everyone x

Didn’t want to read and run but just to say - your kids would not be better off without you. I’d bet my bottom dollar they’d rather have you than anything else. You’re doing an amazing, hard job, and picking up the pieces after two useless men. Things will get easier, and make sure you either change the locks or take the key off your ex, and that the bastards are forced to pay their dues to you. Sending love xxx

op that sounds really tough, I'm so sorry you are in sych a difficult position. Your kids love you and they need you. Have you tried speaking to organisations like shelter and CAB for some advice? If your debts are crippling u9u speak to stepchange about debt management plans.
Have you looked into working part time, you may find you are actually better off.
Once your ex starts paying CM you hopefully wont be struggling so much.
Is there any family who can help you in the short term?
I also think you should speak yo your doc as you sound depressed. I hope things get better for you OP

THEY WOULD NOT BE BETTER OFF !!!! you are doing your absolute best In years to come when adults they won't see not many gifts they'll see what you managed to do with the little you have and will appreciate it, keep going op you can do this this time of year really beings out people's anxieties it's all showy oooh look what I bought or did. But it's not about that, the most important thing is being with family set a little plan in your head of days events paying games watching movies the kids will hardly notice what they have or haven't got,

They would absolutely not be better off without you. They are blessed to have such a committed, hard working, selfless Mum who does everything you do.

You’ve had some amount of shit thrown at you and you’re still standing. Well done! Give yourself credit for everything you’ve achieved, you’ve done it on your own and that’s huge.

Feel free to talk on here if it helps

Sorry to hear you're struggling, OP. And, no, your kids aren't better off without you. On the contrary!

FWIW, I grew up in a naice MC family. By which I mean: I was raised by a mother with a well-paid job that meant my siblings and I never lacked for anything. I don't have a father. I've a man to whom I owe half of my genetics and with whom I basically don't have a relationship. He's also utterly insane and shouldn't be trusted around himself, never mind children, so technically we were certainly better off without him. I'm in my 30s, professionally successful, financially well off and have lovely friends. But, even after counseling, I'll never get over the fact that my father went away. Neither will my siblings.

So, no, unless you're abusive (and the tone of your post suggests nothing of the sort), your kids will never be better off without you.

They definitely wouldn't be better off without you. They will see, as they get older, how hard you're working for them to have a future, providing a positive role model of working hard and not giving up.
I know it looks pretty impossible now but the longer you're in work and as the kids get older, it will get easier.
If you didn't have the debt you'd be ok and that will be paid gradually.
I'm sorry your exs are so useless/abusive/nightmares but you've got this. You're their mummy and you will give them what they need which is love and support.
Do you have any family/friends around for support? (Not necessarily financial but sometimes we all need a real person to get support from.)

thank you, sat here sobbing. (happy tears for your kind words). I know deep down they are better here and a year/decade from now this moment will be long gone but in the present that time seems a long way off.

Love comes for free and that's the most important thing op. I know for a fact it you offered your kids lovely holiday and loads of presents with a new family or to stay with you they would choose you every single time.
Christmas is such a hard time with so many emotions flying around try not to be so hard on yourself it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
Go to the citizen advice and they can probably help you consolidate your debts and give you some advice.

X x

I don't have many people. Im one of those who moved a lot for work so friendships never stuck. I have many aquintences but no one who I could go for a random coffee with iykwim. I have my mum but theres only so much help she can do. shes one of those people where hugs and sympathy don't come natural and is more likely to say "what good is doing being down about it man up and deal with the cards your drawn"...…. my cards bloody suck

It’s ok to be feeling low, and overwhelmed, in fact it’s totally understandable.

But never, ever minimise your worth to your children, because you deserve more than that. You are their constant, their foundation, their safe place and their Mum.

All the money, toys, presents and treats can’t replicate that, nor can it mean anything without love.

Go easy on yourself OP, you’re awesome!

OP they will definitely be better with you, your love for them shines through.
Just remember nothing is permanent - just as the good times have gone right now, so do the bad. You are doing amazing under the circumstances - and know we all believe in you.

Please don't think like that.
My Mum struggled for years with me and brother whilst my Dad was living in a 4 bed house with his child abusing girlfriend who persuaded him to not pay maintenance.
I am now 29 and pregnant with my first and if I can be half as good a Mum as my own then I'll be happy. We didn't have money but I wouldn't have wanted to be with anyone else and the respect I have for her and all that she did is enormous.

Guys your lovely words are sending my into a dribbly mess. Luckily baby asleep and oldest glued to youtube.

Nothing more to add in terms of advice but life can be shit at times and it WILL get better.

Don't ever think of leaving your children, hang in there and it will get easier as time goes on.

Sending . I hope you have a happy day tomorrow

They won't be better off, they will miss you every day

You are doing the most important job in the world, unfortunately it's also the hardest. I was also on my own with 2 boys and it was a huge struggle- after bills, Inc a crippling mortgage, I had £100 a month to live on. Yes I had food, warmth and petrol but day to day was hard. Thankfully the boys were little and didn't see the hardship. Your children are too young to see it, and it will get easier. Please follow the advice above and go to Step change and hassle the powers that be to sort out what you're owed from the government and those useless fathers.

We lived beside a lovely woman whose husband left her when she was pregnant with number 7. She struggled so much, but with the help of her neighbours she got there. Her kids are all grown, all in good jobs and adore their mum for how hard she worked to make sure they had a happy childhood filled with love. They didn't have much but they never needed it with a loving mum.

Take care. We're all here.

No kid is better off without their parent. I say this as a 50 year old who lost her dad at 21 to suicide. The scars of that never leave you as a child!

Sell the bastard's TV.

As you have a child of one years of age, would it be more cost-effective to go part time?

Hugs and , OP.

I'm crap at saying things but there's a lady on you tube the truth Bomb mom Kristina who was in a similar situation and she says to help get through this you should add for now at the end of each sentence I e I'm struggling to pay rent for now. It helps to accept that it's just temporary and it won't always be this bad!

You can do this you've already proved it, your kids love you and you are all that they need!

OP don’t worry about your rent being late this month. Just make sure you have food and heating. It’s horrible that you have to make that choice but it’s what you need to do. I’ve been there. It’s disgusting that families have to live like this in 2018.

Longer term, would it be possibleto move to a smaller/cheaper place to live?

There was a thread running a few days ago about how people knew their mums had loved them. Every single answer was about hugs, cuddles, listening, unconditional love. A sense that, above all, their mum had your back. There were really moving comments from people remembering back 50 or 60 years and they still carry with them memories of tiny acts of thoughtfulness - notes in lunchboxes, warming pyjamas before bedtime. Not one mentioned material comforts.

I just tried to find it but can't track it down, maybe you can or someone else will link to it. If you can read it, it might bring you some comfort. Look after yourself

How could they possibly be better off without you!!??

They have a mother who loves them, works her tripe out to support them as best she may, and in whom they can take a pride.

You are doing so much for them - and you are the lynch pin of their lives.

Ahh OP your children NEED YOU!! Only you! They don't need anything material. As an adult whose mum scrimped to just put food on the table whilst dad swanned in and out with lush gifts I assure you I have all the respect for my mum who tried so so hard . Please don't give up. It sounds hard , really hard but take it one day at a time . If you need to give up work and rely on benefits short term then do, do what you must do but please don't give up your children . Xx

Trust me OP your kids have a mum who loves them and is doing her best to make their Christmas magical and their lives happy. Sadly, there are countless children in the world for whom that would be a dream come true. Don't under value what you are doing for them, it is worth more than money can buy.

All that said, I don't under estimate how incredibly tough things are I practical terms in the here and now. It will get better and I have so much respect for what you are doing.