To think my kids are better off without me

[Itsanothernamechange]

Basically that. PS NOT A BEGGING THREAD

Background.

I have 2 kids by 2 men, oldests dad was handy with his fists resulting in him being dragged off by the police, a restraining order and months/years of him being unreasonable with regards to contact. He took the rent money left me in crazy amount of debt due to lying about paying the bills.
Youngest dad walked out on my birthday september this year as he found paying for bills etc was all too much for him. Hes ran back to his mum hasn't paid me maintance at all currently owes me 800. CMS says he should pay some in January. He earns £1900 lives rent/bill free. He yet to return his keys as I still have his tv he can have it but is too busy apparently to come for it.

I work full time oldest in breakfast club youngest at a childminder. I rely on universal credit to help with this.
It took 8 weeks to get universal credit to start paying anything. during this time I was having to live of £35 per week as childcare, rent and bills ate up all my wages plus some. I've had to get payday loans to cover shortfalls This month I wont be able to pay my rent and im going to be 2 weeks late on my childcare because even though my ex said to help me he would pay the council tax gas and electric etc until dec (which he did) he then called up and said he left in sept and got himself a nice refund of nearly 330 council and 200 gas/electric. I now need to pay that. It bloody sucks.

I leave the house at 7 am im not back until 530 and I cant keep a roof over the kids heads. I may have to quit my job because I cant pay the childcare. I have nothing to sell, I don't drive I don't drink, I don't smoke I've never taken drugs, my last holiday was 3 years ago in a caravan.

I feel my kids would be better off in foster care, It will break me but I cant provide for them anymore. Xmas is small this year im thankful I brought stuff before the ex left otherwise it would be very bare under the tree come tomorrow. Luckily the youngest is 1 so doesn't get it and the oldest is easily blagged hes more into the magic than the gifts.

Anyway thanks for reading my pity party post its been cathartic tapping it out

merry xmas everyone x

You sound like a wonderful mother and they won't be better off without you. Please can you talk to your local authority and see if you can get some help. Certainly those useless men need to be helping their children. Hug them close this week. I know it's not easy with so little money but given the choice they would choose you each and every day. Of that I am certain. I hope you can have a merry Christmas together. Your life is richer than those arseholes that you're better off without.

You are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Don't for a minute think your kids would be better off with anyone else.

There is no way in the world your dc would be better off without you. No way. I have several friends who tried to adopt/foster and it's so so difficult because all the children want is their real parents.

I’m a foster carer. Kids who are abused and neglected are better off in foster care. Your children, who have a mother who loves them and is battling to keep a roof over their heads, would not be better off. Going into care damages and traumatises children, no matter how good the placement is. You are going through a shit time but do not make it even worse for your children by giving up on them. Speak to the school and explain the situation - they might be able to help with after/before school costs. Speak to your friends and family - if people knew how much you were struggling I’m sure they’d want to help. If it was me I’d be visiting my ex’s mum. Does she know he’s not paying a penny for his child while he’s living rent free? I hope you have a nice Christmas with your little family and are able to put the worries to one side for the day.

I would probably not be able to stop myself saying something to his elderly grandmother about getting NO child support. Shame that fucker

She know alright. She babies him. All i used to hear was poor him he works so hard. He needs his rest. You should be doing x y and z for him. Even though i was out of the house longer than he was. He did bugger all on his days off and her answer was.... but its his rest day. I never had a day off. My days off are the weekends where i have both kids. His days off could be in the week but hed still send the baby to childcare. She thinks cms are asking for too much..... 200 out of 1900 when he has no bills to pay to me is too little not too much.

I remember being where you are. Some years down the line and I look back on those times and marvel I got through them, but I did and a much stronger for it. My ds remembers from that time; cuddles and reading together; baking and walks. He remembers making friends innursery that are still his friends now he's a teenager. Your kids will remember the same kinds of things and honestly I think you will be their hero. Things will get better for you...but I bet the kids do t even notice the difficulties and are safe and secure because you love them. Nothing is more important to a child than that. Be kind to yourself-you sound likely are doing a great job.

No. Your kids would not be better without you. You are a good parent and things will change, you won’t need childcare forever. You are their safe haven and that cannot be replaced. Material things cannot replace mother’s love.
The debts can be paid off, you can get a etter job. They however cannot have another mum so do the best you can and keep going. Things do change xx

Definitely not. You sound like you are doing your best given the cards you have been dealt. You have been let down by these men. When you have kids, you should share the cost and time it takes to raise children, and they haven't done this and are behaving like children themselves.

I was from a single parent family that struggled, and although I didn't see it at the time, I realise now how much sacrifice my mum had made and am forever grateful for it. Most of all,I'm glad both of my parents were around and loving people (although my dad could have done more, despite not being at home).

I know a wealthy family who are having the most excessive Xmas ever, but the (adult) kids just have no idea how other the half live at all. If the money was gone tomorrow, they could not stand on their own two feet at all. On the otherhand, I had to do quite a lot for myself growing up, but I'm self-sufficient and don't take anything for granted and always feel extremely lucky when my parents offer to help out (which I often don't like to accept).

I think you are doing a great job. Just enjoy the day, watch some kids movies and let your kids know they are loved. They don't know the cost of anything when they are young, so don't worry about that.

Couldn't just read and run here OP but all I want to say is your doing your absolute upmost for those kids and one day things will be better I promise. Just take things day by day.
All your children need is their mothers love and all you need is theirs. They have food in their tummies and a roof over their heads, that is all that matters
You keep your chin up and soldier on, you'll be just fine ❤️

Universal Credit is doing this to a lot of people unfortunately. It's been made really difficult to actually work. I know it's easier said than done, but please try to keep your chin up, your Children would CERTAINLY NOT be better off without you - they need you and you sound like a wonderful mum xx

Universal Credits will not give the OP an advance, as she has been on it for a while. They will not give her a budgeting loan either as she has earned more than £2600 in the last 6 months.
UC makes low income Parents pay Childcare themselves upfront then try to claim it back, which they often quibble about.
Re the debts, are they being taken from your UC directly?? If so they can take up to £127 a month for debts. They are open again on the 27th so then please call 'debt management' UC phoneline and they may agree to reduce the repayment taken for a few months. If not being taken straight from UC, try to make arrangements with who you owe, to pay small amounts ie £15 a month to each. Debt charities can help with this.

OP, please don't give up hope, your Children need you and I bet are much happier with you even given your financial situation, than when your were with your exes or if they were in care.

Love to you OP xx

As someone who grew up without one of her parents, I PROMISE you OP your kids would not be better off without you.

Have you thought about contacting your local CAB or national debt line who can help with money problems? It’s also worth you doing a benefit calculation to make sure your UC calculation is correct. There’s a really good one if you google the words “entitledto” .

Please don’t think your kids would be better off in foster care. They would be better off with you because you clearly love them.

I really hope everything works out for you.

OP so sorry for you but your kids would never be better off without you 💐💐 focus on cuddles and hugs for them. Do nice things that are free go to the park, hot chocolate and a TV movie, make a den in the front room. You’re a wonderful mum, love and hugs to you 💐💐

First of all Merry Christmas. I couldn't read and run. Trust me a mother's love is worth more than anything. Continue as you are doing a great job and look into getting those A-holes helping you out financially. Don't let them get away with not helping you out. It will take time but it will be worth it in the end and you can get yourself sorted out. Lots of people have debts, I think it's a part of normal life these days. Give yourself a break you're doing a fab job. My dad would give me lots of money as a kid and buy me lots of toys but he was a lousy dad and I used to cry to my mum that all I wanted was to spend time with him and for him not to be on his phone all the time and leave me waiting when he was due to collect me (parents split at an early age). Money really is overrated.. love, health and family is much more important.

Happy Christmas, OP. You sound like a wonderful Mum, and I truly mean that. Wishing you courage, luck, and for things to get easier. What your kids need is you, and the rest will sort itself out with time.

I remember as a child, having to be minded by a relative one night, and I sobbed bitterly for hours. My mother was not a kind mother, but I still missed her dearly.

Don't underestimate the love they have for you. While they're secure with you there with them, they have no need to demonstrate that love, but know that it would break their little hearts and terrify them to be separated from you.
I also think, when you're a single parent, you have an inordinately strong bond with your kids, as it's just you and them.
Enjoy your lovely humble Christmas.

2019 is a new year. Every year my Dad tells me - this could be your year Punto (it never is haha). Where there's life there's hope. Maybe the ex will pay his arrears to you.
When you find yourself walking through hell, keep walking.

You sound like a great mum doing her absolute best. Keep at it OP

There is people in the world with everything but they’re kids are without, they have a loving mother and they’ll know when they look back.

OP it's a horrible feeling, and was me last year. All I can suggest is to call your providers, explain your situation and see if you can arrange an affordable payment plan. I'm in another country, so things may be different here, but a lot of places have hardship departments who can help work out something.

It will get better.

They are too young to understand money now.

In a couple of years the childcare costs will go down.

Your post is heartbreaking. Let down by irresponsible men and an uncaring society. One would like to believe, in the less cynical moments, that the ruling classes can’t actually want this struggle for survival as the pinnacle of democratic society.

Hoping you have a nice day, your kids are lucky to have you.

I have been thinking about you OP. I hope you had a loving and happy day with your children.

Bloody Hell, your ex sounds poisonous. You're doing an amazing job OP. Your children are extremely lucky to have you and they will realise this when they get older and your ex continues to be a waste of space. Merry Christmas. It will get better

Have to say I'm worried about the two payday loans, OP try posting on moneysaving expert for some debt management advice.

They have a good Mum, who is trying her best to shield her kids from the harder realities of your family's life at the moment, to provide for them, not just the basics of life, but also some of the magic, despite the total utter shit that the universe is throwing at her. She's doing it with dignity, class and style.

Do you know how many kids would give their eye teeth for that?

Don't you DARE not realise just what a fantastic human being and Mum you are, and how lucky your kids are to have you. Kia kaha (be strong), aroha nui (much love).