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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my kids are better off without me

99 replies

Itsanothernamechange · 24/12/2018 11:11

Basically that. PS NOT A BEGGING THREAD

Background.

I have 2 kids by 2 men, oldests dad was handy with his fists resulting in him being dragged off by the police, a restraining order and months/years of him being unreasonable with regards to contact. He took the rent money left me in crazy amount of debt due to lying about paying the bills.
Youngest dad walked out on my birthday september this year as he found paying for bills etc was all too much for him. Hes ran back to his mum hasn't paid me maintance at all currently owes me 800. CMS says he should pay some in January. He earns £1900 lives rent/bill free. He yet to return his keys as I still have his tv he can have it but is too busy apparently to come for it.

I work full time oldest in breakfast club youngest at a childminder. I rely on universal credit to help with this.
It took 8 weeks to get universal credit to start paying anything. during this time I was having to live of £35 per week as childcare, rent and bills ate up all my wages plus some. I've had to get payday loans to cover shortfalls This month I wont be able to pay my rent and im going to be 2 weeks late on my childcare because even though my ex said to help me he would pay the council tax gas and electric etc until dec (which he did) he then called up and said he left in sept and got himself a nice refund of nearly 330 council and 200 gas/electric. I now need to pay that. It bloody sucks.

I leave the house at 7 am im not back until 530 and I cant keep a roof over the kids heads. I may have to quit my job because I cant pay the childcare. I have nothing to sell, I don't drive I don't drink, I don't smoke I've never taken drugs, my last holiday was 3 years ago in a caravan.

I feel my kids would be better off in foster care, It will break me but I cant provide for them anymore. Xmas is small this year im thankful I brought stuff before the ex left otherwise it would be very bare under the tree come tomorrow. Luckily the youngest is 1 so doesn't get it and the oldest is easily blagged hes more into the magic than the gifts.

Anyway thanks for reading my pity party post its been cathartic tapping it out

merry xmas everyone x

OP posts:
Mummy0ftwo12 · 26/12/2018 17:47

Oh and also thinking you are doing an amazing job and remember this this will pass.

Floralhousecoat · 26/12/2018 20:57

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3442455-To-ask-if-you-grew-up-poor-what-was-your-life-like

I don't know if anyone has linked this thread. I found it wonderfully inspirational and uplifting to read about those whose parents struggled to raise them but they grew up knowing they were loved.

PinkPanther27 · 26/12/2018 21:02

Don't ever think your children would be better off without you, you are their world. You are the one stabilising and constant feature in their life- if they went into foster care they would feel abandoned by the one person they can depend and rely on. You mean more to them then you will ever know and you sound like a very brave and independent woman. This will get better, take each day at a time and cherish what you have.

Drogosnextwife · 26/12/2018 21:14

No OP your kids wpuld much rather be with their mum.
Tbings will get better, your dickhead ex neefs to start paying maintenance, i would probablybhound him until he got sick of me.
Has your oldest childs father got a job? Sirely he should still have to pay some maintenance even if there is no contact.

Bumblebee39 · 26/12/2018 21:41

They are not better off without you.

I have gone through something similar myself recently with feeling like I just don't have anything left to give my kids but my reserves had just run low and I needed some help.

Is there anyone you can reach out to? An old friend, a family member?
An acquaintance or neighbour even?

I know life can be hard. Much harder than other people can even comprehend. But you're kids are better off with you.

Please don't give up on yourself.

Floralhousecoat · 21/08/2021 22:52

I'm resurrecting this thread as wondering how you have been op? Hope things are looking up for you. Would love an uodate, if you'd like to share.

All the best.

tegannotsovegan · 21/08/2021 23:28

Hey OP,

I hope things are better now, or that you at least feel more hopeful.

Sending flowers either way. Be kind to yourself Flowers

EmeraldShamrock · 21/08/2021 23:33

They definitely would never be better off without you. I'm so sorry you're in this situation it is a horrible heavy dark situation I've been there.
Things change they always do, keep the faith.
Your ex is an absolute bastard stealing food from his child, the cms is not worth shit in England.
I'm not sure if you can bring a court order against him.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/08/2021 23:35

I'm resurrecting this thread as wondering how you have been op? Hope things are looking up for you. Would love an uodate, if you'd like to share.
Why not PM?
Didn't realise it was a zombie.

tegannotsovegan · 21/08/2021 23:51

@EmeraldShamrock

Really? Don’t be a twat.

Original poster
Itsanothernamechange · 22/08/2021 00:02

OMG thanks for thinking of me, I saw this pop up on active threads.

Well....... where do i start.
Looking back through my post I cant believe I am where i am now. That post was written on one of many very dark days. and believe me when i say I thought there was no way up.

Thankfully the stars aligned somehow and life is so much better/easier (if working ft with two kids is ever easy haha).
I still have my job. Some days i love it some days I hate it. My kids are mix of butter wouldn't melt and borderline feral.
I am relatively debt free i.e. my payments are small and manageable and should all be cleared before xmas. I have moved and I am now in lovely house instead of a condensation riddled flat, Its in dire need of carpeting but that will happen sometime in the future. All my bills are paid on time and I have money left over at the end of the month. Actually we only came back off holiday last night. I am no longer skipping meals to feed my kids and I've been able to afford to send them to clubs. Its been hard to get where I am. Lots of switching providers/making small changes but the main change was no longer having a massive childcare bill due to my dc being 3 and being able to take advantage of the 30hrs schemes so I'm no longer paying upwards of a grand a month.
My dd no longer sees her dad. Not for the lack of me trying. I agreed to all his terms in court because 1, I believe she should see her dad and 2 i need a break but he never stuck to it and eventually stopped turning up or answering calls/texts though he does pay now so that's more than a lots of women get. My ds spends lots of time with his dad and he's upped his contributions as in his words "he's getting older so he's becoming more expensive" he also pays for all of ds's school uniform.
Reading my post feels like reading someone else's. It doesn't feel like it was me that wrote it. But thank you for resurrecting it. I hope my update shows someone that even when life hands you a bag of shit there's always hope and at some point things will get better and "this too shall pass"

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsanothernamechange · 22/08/2021 00:04

@EmeraldShamrock
Even if the poster PM'D me I probably wouldn't have seen it. I don't check the inbox very often as its usually just "poll updates"

OP posts:
Dontjudgeme101 · 22/08/2021 00:16

That’s brilliant news. I am so glad that your in a positive frame of mind now.💐💐

ladyface69 · 22/08/2021 00:38

I saw this thread and thought 'oh god, no' but what a happy ending! So pleased things worked out for you - and it sounds like you put a lot of time into getting yourself and your kids back on track. What a heartwarmer!

EmeraldShamrock · 22/08/2021 00:45

@Itsanothernamechange I didn't think you'd update. Blush What a brilliant positive update I'm glad life is much better.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/08/2021 00:48

Really? Don’t be a twat. @tegannotsovegan charming, now don't be a dick. How many threads are resurrected when the OP doesn't come back.
The come back is rare.
Resurrected threads are not.

Bettysnow · 22/08/2021 00:49

Ahhh well done op you truly are an inspiration! Your original post was heartbreaking but you got back up, dusted yourself down and fought like a champion to make a better life for you and your children! Im absolutely delighted for youFlowers

Catflapkitkat · 22/08/2021 04:43

Wow OP. I love an update and what a great one. Well done for all that you have have achieved. It must have been quite humbling to read your original post. Thank you for updating.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/08/2021 07:43

Lovely news. You're awesome op.

tegannotsovegan · 22/08/2021 08:24

@EmeraldShamrock I just think you were incredibly rude to comment such a thing about a PP not PMing the OP, yet you also posted a comment. You're a bit hypocritical. Oftentimes, PM's can be seen are more intrusive than just resurrecting a thread.

tegannotsovegan · 22/08/2021 08:27

@Itsanothernamechange

Hey, OP. I'm so glad that you're doing much better now. You seem to be in a much more positive mindset and I am so happy about that. Thank you for updating us Flowers

Floralhousecoat · 22/08/2021 09:42

Thanks so much for the update @Itsanothernamechange, it's brought tears to my eyes. You're doing amazingly, your dc are so lucky to have such an awesome mum. You've worked so hard to turn things around for you and dc, what an inspiration.

Best of luck for the future!

EmeraldShamrock · 22/08/2021 09:52

@tegannotsovegan I made the comment after a posted mu personal experience on a zombie thread.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/08/2021 10:00

I'm glad you have come out the other side. You did brilliantly. Flowers I'm sorry your daughter's dad is a wanker.

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