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Original poster

To think my kids are better off without me

99 replies

Itsanothernamechange · 24/12/2018 11:11

Basically that. PS NOT A BEGGING THREAD

Background.

I have 2 kids by 2 men, oldests dad was handy with his fists resulting in him being dragged off by the police, a restraining order and months/years of him being unreasonable with regards to contact. He took the rent money left me in crazy amount of debt due to lying about paying the bills.
Youngest dad walked out on my birthday september this year as he found paying for bills etc was all too much for him. Hes ran back to his mum hasn't paid me maintance at all currently owes me 800. CMS says he should pay some in January. He earns £1900 lives rent/bill free. He yet to return his keys as I still have his tv he can have it but is too busy apparently to come for it.

I work full time oldest in breakfast club youngest at a childminder. I rely on universal credit to help with this.
It took 8 weeks to get universal credit to start paying anything. during this time I was having to live of £35 per week as childcare, rent and bills ate up all my wages plus some. I've had to get payday loans to cover shortfalls This month I wont be able to pay my rent and im going to be 2 weeks late on my childcare because even though my ex said to help me he would pay the council tax gas and electric etc until dec (which he did) he then called up and said he left in sept and got himself a nice refund of nearly 330 council and 200 gas/electric. I now need to pay that. It bloody sucks.

I leave the house at 7 am im not back until 530 and I cant keep a roof over the kids heads. I may have to quit my job because I cant pay the childcare. I have nothing to sell, I don't drive I don't drink, I don't smoke I've never taken drugs, my last holiday was 3 years ago in a caravan.

I feel my kids would be better off in foster care, It will break me but I cant provide for them anymore. Xmas is small this year im thankful I brought stuff before the ex left otherwise it would be very bare under the tree come tomorrow. Luckily the youngest is 1 so doesn't get it and the oldest is easily blagged hes more into the magic than the gifts.

Anyway thanks for reading my pity party post its been cathartic tapping it out

merry xmas everyone x

OP posts:
ASAS · 24/12/2018 12:13

They would not be better without you.

They wouldn't.

Take care xxx

Notwhoyouthink35 · 24/12/2018 12:16

The kids would definitely not be better off without you!

You are doing an amazing job just cooing month to month. It’s hard, I’ve been there (and still am to some extent) but it’s gets easier. The children will one day both be in school and things will get much easier from then. You cannot be evicted for paying your rent late. Are you getting all the benefits your entitled too? Have a look on a benefit calculator online. Deadbeat ex’s should be ashamed.

Notwhoyouthink35 · 24/12/2018 12:17

*coping

Original poster
Itsanothernamechange · 24/12/2018 12:20

I like the comment about adding "for now". As I know deep down this too shall pass. Its just shit that in 2018 that even though im working and barely seeing my kids I have ended up in this situation. as by the time we're home and dinner bath etc has been done then its basically bed time. I feel im working their childhood away for nothing except a shit ton of debt and barrel load of stress.

I cant sell the basterds tv as much as I want too. The fuckwit is a copper he'd think nothing of getting me nicked

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 24/12/2018 12:24

Believe me they really and truly would not be better off without you. Life is a struggle at times, it will get better.
Your life sounds really tough at the moment and your doing it. Would you be better off financially giving work up for some time.
Your DC need you more than anything else.
An old friend committed suicide in November, she felt her life was shit for her and her DC. Now life is really shit for the DC and all they want is their Mam.
Is there a charity that can help with bills, I know the Vincent depal give some financial help.
Please stay strong.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 24/12/2018 12:26

You bloody can sell the TV. He owes you more than the value of the TV doesn't he? Sell it to recover some of what he owes. I'd like to see him explain to his colleagues how he has left you, and his DC in such a mess at Christmas, and try to persuade them that you had committed any crime. You sound pretty tough, I hope things improve for you soon! And the DC would be better off living in a tent with you, than in foster care!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/12/2018 12:28

The fuckwit is a copper he'd think nothing of getting me nicked

So he is employed. You can get an attachment of earnings order made through child maintenance service. I would make that a priority.

FFSFFSFFS · 24/12/2018 12:39

Materially your children are way better off than most other children in the world. So - from a material perspective - and I know it doesn't feel like it - but they are actually doing very well if you can look it like that.

Agree that love the most one hundred per cent important ingredient.

FFSFFSFFS · 24/12/2018 12:40

So he is employed. You can get an attachment of earnings order made through child maintenance service. I would make that a priority.

this

Original poster
Itsanothernamechange · 24/12/2018 12:46

Ive tried saying that to cms. But they are of the thought that keep asking nicely and one day he might pay. They said if he doesn't pay in January to call again after he's five days late. I think they are so over stretched that they don't really want to start that yet. and yes I really need the £800 but its just a drop in the ocean of what many parents are owed.

Yes he's employed. He spent all of £20 on his daughter for her birthday which was at the beginning of the month. his reasoning was that he has xmas to pay for. well sorry mate that not good enough its not her fault that she came out of my fanny in an inconvienient month for you. His other kids birthday is not far after xmas im sure he will get plenty spent on him as per usual. Last year he had no trouble paying a couple of hundred for his other child. and he gets maintence. It may sound that im jealous of the other child I'm not at all he's a great kid im just jealous that one child gets treated a lot better.

OP posts:
Crookedcolours · 24/12/2018 12:53

Hugs op x

Cms have to go through the steps,

My abusive ex hasn't paid for over a year and they're only just now starting enforcement action, give it time.

You're doing the best you can and you'll get through it, you can't be replaced, you're their mum and they love you Thanks

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/12/2018 12:54

But they are of the thought that keep asking nicely and one day he might pay. They said if he doesn't pay in January to call again after he's five days late.

So that’s what you do. On the fifth day after it’s due you ring them and tell them they are to start proceedings for an attachment of earnings order immediately. You tell them, you don’t ask, you are their client, you tell them the service you want. They get paid for it. Do not accept any further fobbing off or delaying tactics. You’ve waited long enough. Tell them firmly the next step to be taken.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/12/2018 12:57

Make a real nusicance of yourself with CMS. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

HannahnotAgnes · 24/12/2018 13:06

In a million years, they'll never be better off without you. Times are hard now but they will get better (& agree with the others about keeping on at CMS to get what you're owed).

thethoughtfox · 24/12/2018 13:12

All they need is you. Just make everything a game for them. We had to run away from home one day in our pyjamas and I remember mum making up silly songs for us to sing as we walked in our bare feet. All they need is you.

AnneTwackie · 24/12/2018 13:13

For what it’s worth OP I’ve been in a similar situation and my kids are now teens. They have nothing but good memories of their childhoods because they knew they were loved. They both love stories about how far we’ve come, this will pass, give yourself a break x

Original poster
Itsanothernamechange · 24/12/2018 13:17

I'm going to. Have a reminder set for the 26th of jan. It annoys me that he's dicking about like this. I'm sure the guys in the station would look at him differently if they knew. He portray the doting dad act very well. Makes out im refusing contact to anyone who'll listen. Ive never refused. Once he drove off when I refused to bring her down as my other child wasn't up yet and asked him to come up (we are on the 3rd floor). he wouldn't so he drove away without her. Hes sending his elderly mother on boxing day as he doesn't want to see me.

Im hoping in 6 months time i'll be back here updating on being sorted fingers crossed

OP posts:
medusa83 · 24/12/2018 13:23

They would not be better off without you. You are run down, that's all.

Sandbox · 24/12/2018 13:25

My ex left us, dropped us off at my mums for the day, sold/chucked everything we owned and told me it was over. Mum said we couldn’t stay there and ds was 3 months old and I was pregnant. No benefits, ex left me in thousands of pounds of debt.
It was fucking hard.
My poor son has moved ten times for various issues and he’s only 8. I have spent years in courts fighting him and years paying his debt while waiting for the 10,000 he now owes in child maintenance. I starved myself to feed my ds.
Your children need you. That’s it.
It’s not going to be easy, take one day at a time, check what you’re entitled to financially. Leaving your job means you won’t get benefits in most cases, can you talk to work and ask for better/fewer hours or a pay rise?
It’s taken 8 years for me to get us to the point we are at now with no debt, a nice home, settled and a Miracle happened this Christmas, I had a child support payment!
Honestly it’s a shit situation but it will get better I promise Flowers

Gotanabusiveex · 24/12/2018 13:35

I agree, your children need you more than they need toys! Re rent and childcare, have you considered applying for a universal credit advance? Council tax should agree a payment plan and electric will just have to wait. They are likely to have a trust that can help with arrears, google charis grants. You could also potentially get help with rent arrears (if you can’t pay) with a discretionary housing payment from the council.

PinkHeart5914 · 24/12/2018 13:35

Of course they wouldn’t be better off, you are there Mum and they know you now, they love you now so would miss you.

Also the care system isn’t faultless, it fails many children. At least with you yours are guaranteed love is nothing else at the moment, there is a lot to be said for felling loved when you look back on your childhood.

Yes you’ve currently got a shit life but hopefully things will improve, sometimes it’s like we are staring down a dark tunnel but most times some light will come along sooner or later.

Yes to keep calling the child maintenance people

Cailleachian · 24/12/2018 13:42

Do you know about the warm homes initative?

I'm so sorry you've ended up in this situation. It will get better. Its hard to get maintainance if he is determined not to pay, but you can get it in the end.

If you are on universal credit with children under 5, you should get £140 credit towards your electric which would give you a little more wiggle room.

Have you looked into Criminal Injuries Compensation for your first husband? If there were injuries and they were reported to police, you may be able to get a payment from the CIC Board. Even a small payment might offset some of the financial damage he did to you.

TeachesOfPeaches · 24/12/2018 13:43

Have a look at the 'entitled to' calculator to see if universals credit would cover you if you dropped some hours at work. Not a long term solution but will give you a bit of breathing space and some time with your children. Good luck

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/12/2018 13:50

I'm sorry OP. None of this is fair. Your kids will be proud of you for working so hard when they're older. I hope you manage to forget it all over Christmas and enjoy it

campbellsmum · 24/12/2018 14:04

Reading your thread actually broke my heart. Those useless men have really landed you in a tough situation but you are really all that your kids need! Once Christmas is out the way you can look to the year ahead with fresh eyes and everything will be ok! You sound like an absolutely amazing mum, doing everything you can for your kids and they will understand that one day!
I don't really have any practical advice but you're kids need you and love you and are so much better off with you than with foster carers. Merry Christmas, happy new year and I hope everything turns out ok for you lovely x