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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should DD (14) give up her room for MIL over Christmas?

125 replies

Bogger · 24/12/2018 10:12

DP and I have a two year old and I have 3 DC from previous marriage.

When DP’s DM comes to stay DD sleeps on with her two younger brothers. They have a very large room so it’s not cramped - but not ideal, she doesn’t really like sharing with them.

Our 2 year old has his own room with a trundle bed, but dd probably wouldn’t want to sleep in there either.

Should DP’s mum sleep in with 2 year old or should DD give up her room for DP’s mum?

OP posts:

Eilaianne · 24/12/2018 14:39

Not cool for a 14 year old female to move rooms every single time for guests, my parents did that and I was an embarrassing nightmare - the room was where I had stuff like my diary, sanpro, clothes - sharing with siblings every time anyone stayed over still makes me feel annoyed every time I think of it.

It was like my space/privacy didn't matter.

And everyone else's did!!

Troels · 24/12/2018 14:48

When we had visitors and a 2 year old in a two bed house, I used to put the 2yo to bed in his own bed, then lift him out and onto the blow up bed in our room, once we were going to bed. My Mum then slept in his bed.

Gobblebox · 24/12/2018 14:53

Out of respect the MIL should have her own room however you make that happen. We sleep on sofa bed when in laws visit for however long

Greensleeves · 24/12/2018 14:56

My ds2 is 14 and moves in with his 16yo brother when his Grandad comes to stay. My dad is elderly, gets tired easily and has early stage dementia. He needs a retreat from noisy family life, he needs to sleep well and he needs to feel welcome.

It's not ideal for ds2, but we did discuss it when he moved into that room (the boys shared by choice until a couple of years ago and ds1's room still has bunk beds). Luckily he adores his Grandad and has never complained or been awkward about it.

Jent13c · 24/12/2018 15:01

fuzzycustard

My MIL would love to have the grandchildren in with her, especially if she was on her own. If we have ever stayed with her she asks to take our son in. Even when he was up a few times
The only spare bed space in our small flat is in with my son and my mum always elects to sleep in there with him rather than us take him through. It's their grandchild! You must have a very different relationship to your DIL than I have with my MIL.

YoThePussy · 24/12/2018 15:08

One of my DGMs used to come to us for Christmas every year. One year for three weeks. My DSis used to move in with me for the duration. It was hell, we still talk about it. Our DM was not one bit happy about the three week visit.

FuzzyCustard · 24/12/2018 15:12

You must have a very different relationship to your DIL than I have with my MIL.

I expect I do...(DDs, not DILs) but neither is right or wrong. And we don't know on which part of the continuum the MIL in the OP falls.

HollaHolla · 24/12/2018 15:27

I was the teenager who always had to move for any visitors. I had a double bed, and my brother had the smaller room with bunks. I hated it, and actually came to resent anyone who stayed for more than a couple of nights. I threw an epic tantrum at about 14, and refused to move from the bed.... so my middle-aged aunt had to sleep in with me, or on the top bunk in my brother’s room. After that, we got a sofa bed in the dining room, and unless the guests were older, or staying for more than a night or two, I got to keep my bed.

I’d echo that it’s a delicate age, and space is really important - so move the toddler in with you, and let MIL have his room. It’s especially galling when it’s not even her grandma 👵🏻.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/12/2018 15:45

We have two old sofa cushions in the attic to put 3yo DS on when we have guests. He comes in with us on the cushions with a little kids sleeping bag. He's usually hyped up by having guests so he's also usually quite tired at bed time. We do all the usual routine except it's in his new location. He doesn't tend to wander and is usually asleep quite quickly.

I'd give it a go so at least you can show your 14yo she isn't always the one who has to move.

Purpleartichoke · 24/12/2018 15:51

14yo should not be moved. My first choice would be a hotel for guests, but barring that, toddler goes in your room.

TheMincePiesAreMine · 24/12/2018 15:51

I'm surprised by the level of resentment from teenagers having to move in the past. Having the bigger room - or the single one normally while your siblings share - and having to move occasionally for guests seems like a fair deal to me. Isn't it just part of family life? I was a boarder so I really do understand the yearning for privacy, but the odd few nights don't seem a big deal to me when so many children and teenagers have to grow up sharing permanently with siblings (or less commonly, in dorms!)

That said, I still think in OP's case the 2 year old should be the one to share with someone. If it were a 3 bed house, girl on her own, and boys permanently sharing it would be different. But asking the 14 year old to keep moving and leaving the 2 year old's room sacrosanct every time feels a bit like favouritism, especially in a blended family and when the toddler's room has space for 3.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/12/2018 15:57

Only on MN would a 4 bed house with 5 people and a guest be classed as overcrowded.

Thanks all, I’m not sure two year old will settle in a new room full of new toys, I can imagine he’ll be up and out of bed in minutes. He also goes to sleep an hour earlier than his older brothers, they’ll wake him up when they go to sleep.

He may settle in our room but he’s a massive fidget and will likely get up and wander about!

So ok yo put him in with MIL but not you. Nice

currentcake · 24/12/2018 16:17

We have family come to stay from the other side of the world and I still will not give up my DS bedroom. He is at an age of routine and it's me left to pick up the pieces when they leave regarding complete mess of routine and it leaves me knackered and infuriated.
I now suggest they stay in a nearby hotel or if they really want to stay with us a blow up in the lounge. Like it or lump it

MerryChristmasArthur · 24/12/2018 16:52

Dh & I are in the lounge so mil can have our bed. I wouldn't expect a 70 year old to sleep on the sofa or share with her grandchildren but I also know my teens need their space.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/12/2018 16:56

currentcake nothing like being made to feel welcome is there? Why can't you have thd blow up!?

Feb2018mumma · 24/12/2018 16:58

Am I the only one who wouldn't let someone kick their child out a room for me?! Why is MIL coming to stay if you don't have a room? She must know that one of your children has to be moved for her? DH should have booked her in a hotel surely? My mum doesn't have space in her house so me and my grandma are in a hotel? I am so confused why she should give her room up Christmas night in her own house becuase MIL needs to stay? (Also this isn't MIL bashing, anyone shouldn't impose if there aren't enough rooms!)

Eilaianne · 24/12/2018 17:30

Feb2018mumma exactly!

As the grown up DD of this situation, guests shouldn't be invited to stay if there's nowhere like a guest room or away-at-uni/etc spare bed.. that's what B&Bs, hotels and day visitors are for... Not just automatically kicking a teen DD out of her room when she doesn't get a say in when or for how long those guests are staying!

You do the inviting when no spare bed = you give up your bed imho.

OP your DD will grow up to resent being bottom priority in these situations.

Bluelady · 24/12/2018 17:35

So we're still the only people who give up their bed to guests? I'm genuinely surprised.

Limensoda · 24/12/2018 19:09

So we're still the only people who give up their bed to guests? I'm genuinely surprised

I have done. When my parents stayed and also when my sister and husband came over from abroad. My children were little then but once they were teenagers I would have expected one of them to give up a room for a visiting grandparent.
I'm shocked that people don't expect their teenager to want to make that sacrifice.

Cachailleacha · 24/12/2018 19:19

Either MIL or 14 year old in two year old's room. Two year old either stays in their room or goes in with you.

I wouldn't put a 14 year old girl in with her other younger brothers, but sleeping in a room with two year old is different.

Wonkysack · 24/12/2018 19:23

Ok then. So you go in with the boys, your DP shares with the 2yo, and you give MIL your room. I don’t think it’s fair to ask your 14yo to give up her room and share with 2 younger brothers when it’s not even her GM
This. You're accommodating an adult, give them an adult room. When we visit my brother he gives his bedroom up. A teenager shouldn't have to move and if it will fuck up the toddler's routine then this is the only way round it.
Do you have a 4 bed house?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/12/2018 19:25

My GM used to share my room with me over Christmas when I was a teenager, would that be a possibility?

Iloveacurry · 24/12/2018 19:30

You and your DH should go in with your 2yr old, or they go in with you. After all, your MIL isn’t your DD’s grandparent, and she’s14yrs old and probably wants her own space. You’ve got the rest of house obviously.

blueskiesandforests · 24/12/2018 19:31

I hated having to give up my room to guests because it was always me - I had 3 younger siblings, all of us had our own rooms. It was always me who had to give up my room. Always, without exception.

Although I lived my grandmother she smoked out of my window and my room stank of smoke. I hated my misogynistic uncle who made creepy personal comments, ate with his mouth open and spoke over us. I had to give up my room for him too, as well as occasionally to friends of my parents I didn't know.

I hated the fact other people had slept in my bed.

I didn't learn life lessons about making sacrifices, and dislike adult overnight guests even now (though I'm more than happy for the kids to have their friends overnight in their own rooms with fold out beds).

2 year old's room is the place for grandma in the OP's case, expecting the same teen to give up their bedroom and bed every visit in a 4 bedroom house is shitty, and a teen needs space in a house full of little siblings in the way a 2 year old does not.

Generally I think whoever did the inviting should give up their own bed, if beds need giving up, or take the brunt of whatever unconvince moving a baby or toddler will bring, rather than it falling on one teenage girl every time.

currentcake · 24/12/2018 22:25

@PigletWasPoohsFriend because it's my house

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