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Original poster

Not wanting to host at Christmas.

84 replies

Nousernameforme · 23/12/2018 16:29

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-46383297
I just read this and I'm not sure why but it has annoyed me.

It's a load of adults presumably representing a larger group of adults who go to their parents houses at Christmas. They don't want the stress or expense of hosting but are quite happy for their parents to suck it up year on year.
I'm sure in some, maybe even most cases the parents are keen for this to continue and have no problem with providing Christmas for their adult children.
I don't think it's jealousy, I wouldn't want to be cosseted in that way as I would find it stifling.
It just doesn't sit right with me. I suppose I think that 30-40 year olds should grow up look after themselves.
I have visions of a poor aging woman stressing over providing yet another picture perfect nostalgic Christmas whilst wishing she was on a beach somewhere warm with a good book and a glass of something strong instead.

I certainly won't be doing this with mine as they get to that age as I would hope they had their own families and yes we or they could visit or do a joint Christmas where everyone chips in and helps with the workload.

I know I shouldn't judge each to their own etc but I do a bit.

OP posts:
YoungLennyGodber · 23/12/2018 16:33

I read it earlier, and it annoyed me. Selfish little gits. All this crap about wanting to be pampered and cosseted and treated like a child at Christmas. Your parents have done it for donkey’s years, maybe give them a break? Angry

AnOtherNomdePlume · 23/12/2018 16:34

Failure to launch imo.

Have a heart and stop flogging your tired out parents (mothers a lot of the time.)

YoungLennyGodber · 23/12/2018 16:34

And I’m the same age, and certainly don’t expect this from my parents.

LoudBatPerson · 23/12/2018 16:37

I felt exactly the same when I read that earlier. Since we first got our own place (thinks back wistfully to be 21 again) we started hosting. Over the years we have had numbers from 7-15 for the actual dinner and it normally goes up to around 30-35 people for the evening buffet.

I enjoy being able host in our own house and giving everyone else a great Christmas. However if all of my DCs are still expecting me to host everything by the time they are 30-40 I will be disappointed. By then I expect to be able to take a step back and break from it.

My DCs get involved in the hosting now so they won't have an excuse of not know what to do.

Insomnibrat · 23/12/2018 16:38

I haven't read the link admittedly, but I'm 37 and my Bro is 34 and our DM all but sends up a flare to summon us to hers for Christmas. It's absolutely expected and out of the question that we'd make other plans.

She makes a HUGE deal of Xmas, always has, and we've both offered to host only to be shot down in flames entirely.
She doesn't like to feel like a guest in someone else's house and wouldn't enjoy it, I don't think.

I've done a lot to help her prep for this, including taking a week off and doing all the shopping etc but I honestly can't see it changing unless she becomes too old/ill not to it and has to begrudgingly hand over the gauntlet.

Christmas has always been a very tense, stressful and prescribed time for us, and then there's the post Christmas 'come down' where she goes into a depression once it's over, blaming something or other for 'ruining Christmas'.

halcyondays · 23/12/2018 16:38

Yes, this annoyed me a lot. you're 30 time to grow up and realise that nobody wants to "do" Christmas every year but if you want to sit down to a nice Christmas dinner, then some poor bugger has to do it.
They sound like they're still about 10 and think that their parents are just there to run after them.

ilovesooty · 23/12/2018 16:39

I went to my mother every year. She'd have been upset if I didn't. However I paid for the meat and quite a lot of other heavier shopping and brought it with me, and helped to prepare and cook everything. I didn't expect to be cosseted. The travel fell to me - and that's the way she wanted it.

Busybusybust · 23/12/2018 16:40

Yup, I am that poor ageing woman! Kids aged 39 to 29 all home for Christmas. I’ve been doing this for 45 years and really would like to take a back seat now, but none of them are in a position to host. I do love having them here and they do help, but I am remembering something my mother used to say:

‘Nice to see you, nice to see you go’!

Thentherewascake · 23/12/2018 16:42

you do realise that some parents actually enjoy hosting Christmas and have all their children and families coming over?

Some of us actually like Christmas and organise it the way it suits them. I know MN is full of posters drowning under the massive chore and extravaganza that they think is Christmas, but there are also plenty who look forward to it, don't feel like they have to show off and go over the top, and have a nice family gathering.

Some people, even MN posters, would be mortally offended if their children were booking a holiday in the Caribbean instead of spending Christmas day with them.

wishingitwasfriday · 23/12/2018 16:42

My brother and his wife have never hosted Christmas. They always go to either her parents or mine. Never offer to host as much as coffee and mince pies over the festive period. Drives me mad as my parents have always said they'd like to go away but feel they have to host.

MummyFoxy · 23/12/2018 16:43

I read this earlier and it made my skin crawl. I can understand people in their 20s and 30s not being in a position to host if they live in a small flat/house (I'm 34 and this is the first year we'll be hosting), but it was all the stuff about getting "treated like a kid", "spoilt" and "not doing a thing" - grow up and help your mum and dad wrap some sausages in bacon, for goodness sake!

AnOtherNomdePlume · 23/12/2018 16:43

Our mum made Christmas become miserable by the time we were teenagers. It was all too much and we didn't/ couldn't help a lot.

Eventually we rebelled and told her that the next year we ( grown up but single children) were cooking it as a joint enterprise.

It worked out well (enough!)

isseywithcats · 23/12/2018 16:45

im the mom who does the hosting for my grown up children on christmas day and i dont mind in the slightest, im a good cook, its nice to have my children and grandchildren all together and as i have to work boxing day a holiday would be out of the question any way , my kids homes are not suitable for hosting christmas day and eating out is too expensive meal for meal

Sandsnake · 23/12/2018 16:45

Mid thirties and with a three year old DS and we’ve never hosted Christmas. We alternate between his parents and have done for ages. Our house just isn’t big enough, it would simply make zero sense. Both parents have houses large enough to host comfortably and put us up. We also live near London, in an area where we have no family ties and so everyone would have to travel to us.

Both sets of parents love having us and (obviously) we help and contribute. We are lucky and admit to enjoy being ‘looked after’ a bit at Christmas. But I promise both sets of parents want us there and would be gutted if we skipped this year. I can understand why some of the people in the article seem a bit grating but don’t tar us all with the same brush!

Merry Christmas all - wherever you’re spending it!

BottleOfJameson · 23/12/2018 16:46

TO be fair their parents might well want to host and not do the travelling. That said they sound rather childish - you don't just turn up and eat. They should be helping out and definitely doing the washing up!

Stephisaur · 23/12/2018 16:47

My Mum loves doing Christmas. I am the worst daughter ever because I decided to up and have a baby last week and don’t want to travel to hers for Christmas dinner this year.

We have no issues having Christmas here and would happily host, but we don’t have the room to host my family and DH’s.

AnOtherNomdePlume · 23/12/2018 16:47

You can cook a meal and wash up after in your parents home though.

MrsStrowman · 23/12/2018 16:47

We hosted Christmas last year, first time we haven't been to PILs or my parents' DM found it tricky to take a step back, I had everything in hand and didn't need any help, she kept wandering about asking to help, in the end I poured her a glass of champagne pulled her up a stool at the breakfast bar and told her I'd appreciate some company and a chat while I finished some bits off in the kitchen. She laughed and kept saying it felt weird not to be rushing about, but it's a good change. This year I have a three week old and SIL a six week old so DM is cooking, she's over the moon and wouldn't say it was a burden

AnOtherNomdePlume · 23/12/2018 16:48

Sorry that wasn't directed at a particular poster. Just meaning generally.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 23/12/2018 16:49

I go to my parents but I cook the dinner there

LittleLlamaontheduskyroad · 23/12/2018 16:51

I was annoyed reading it earlier - "I don't want to host Christmas" - well probably neither does mummy dearest! There was one lady saying about she doesn't have to cook, clean, wash up, buy food etc... So she doesn't even make a contribution, or at least offer to help? Just sits there like the queen of england being waited on? I hope my DC aren't like this when they grow up. Made me raging it did.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2018 16:54

We love hosting at Christmas and our grown up kids are (will be) welcome anytime.

This year (as usual) there'll be me, DH, DS(16), DS(19), DS(26), his girlfriend (24), my dad (86) and my DB(51).

But then again, I have nothing to do with cooking Christmas dinner as DH always does it.

Original poster
Nousernameforme · 23/12/2018 16:54

I think there is a distinction to make in being hosted and being babied. The expectations of people in that article were certainly that they were there to be looked after by their parents.
It is different if you provide bits and help with the cooking and washing up.
The way they make it sound as if they turn up put there feet up and stay that way for the duration.

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 23/12/2018 16:56

Failure to launch absolutely - but a significant minority of parents want their children to fail to launch. Quite a lot of of parents actively encourage this kind of relationship with at least one of their "adult" children and quite a lot of parents actively expect and want the "matriarch" or "patriarch" role.

The kind of person who talks about a "forever house" expects their children to remain somewhat infantile and to treat the parental manor as "home" and take on a satellite role revolving around the "heads" of the family and their "Forever house" and collecting back their for all high days and holidays even once they've got a home of their own and in a long term relationship, and even when they're married with kids.

ClinkyMonkey · 23/12/2018 16:58

Before I had children, I went back to my parents' for Christmas. I was vegetarian and there was no way anybody would have wanted me to host Christmas! I just brought my veggie alternative and helped out with preparing and cooking everything. I certainly didn't expect to be waited on hand and foot.

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