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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to host at Christmas.

84 replies

Nousernameforme · 23/12/2018 16:29

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-46383297
I just read this and I'm not sure why but it has annoyed me.

It's a load of adults presumably representing a larger group of adults who go to their parents houses at Christmas. They don't want the stress or expense of hosting but are quite happy for their parents to suck it up year on year.
I'm sure in some, maybe even most cases the parents are keen for this to continue and have no problem with providing Christmas for their adult children.
I don't think it's jealousy, I wouldn't want to be cosseted in that way as I would find it stifling.
It just doesn't sit right with me. I suppose I think that 30-40 year olds should grow up look after themselves.
I have visions of a poor aging woman stressing over providing yet another picture perfect nostalgic Christmas whilst wishing she was on a beach somewhere warm with a good book and a glass of something strong instead.

I certainly won't be doing this with mine as they get to that age as I would hope they had their own families and yes we or they could visit or do a joint Christmas where everyone chips in and helps with the workload.

I know I shouldn't judge each to their own etc but I do a bit.

OP posts:

Pachyderm1 · 23/12/2018 18:46

They do sound spoiled. I understand that many people that age can’t host because there isn’t room - that’s fair enough. But if you’re going home to parents for Christmas you should bloody well chip in! My siblings and I are all late 20s / early 30s and go home for Christmas but we bring fancy food and gifts, help with the cooking and do absolutely all of the clearing up.

ilovepixie · 23/12/2018 18:51

I'm 50 and my partner and I still go to my mums for Christmas dinner along with my sister and my sisters kids. My mum expects it and would be disappointed if we didn't go and we love going. We all help, I buy the turkey and ham and my sister buys the puddings and we all help with the cooking and clearing up. It's a lovely Christmas Day and we all enjoy it.

Weepingwillows12 · 23/12/2018 18:54

I have never hosted Christmas Dinner. We alternate parents houses. We have talked about hosting but our house isn't really big enough. We do barbecues etc in summer when the garden can be used so it's not that we never host anything but our indoor dining area is small. However, we always contribute money towards food, bring drinks etc and help serve and clear up. I am heading over tomorrow to prep as much as we can in advance. We all chip in and that's part of the fun.

The people in that article sounded like spoilt brats..

Holidayshopping · 23/12/2018 18:55

It's a load of adults presumably representing a larger group of adults who go to their parents houses at Christmas.

Is it a load of adults or just those two?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 23/12/2018 19:21

I'm expected home for Christmas. I'm only, it's just the three of us and I can sleep in my own room and enjoy being at home. - If we did it the other way around, I have no room for them to stay and it would be far more stressful and a much shorter day as no one could unwind with an xmas drink or get too cosy- no where to stay over. I also cope with living out of a bag far more easily than my 84 yo dad could.

My DGM also used to be very disorganised and unready for Xmas, DM hated going home to nothing ready for her, so she also takes huge pride in having the house ready for Christmas and for me and doing it "properly" in her own mind. Also, I pitch in and help with some things food wise- I am making starters and puddings for xmas and catering xmas eve dinner.

MinecraftHolmes · 23/12/2018 19:27

Ugh at getting spoiled! We go to MIL's for Christmas dinner (ww2 would break out if we didn't), but it is very much an atmosphere of shared hosting - keeping everyones drinks topped up, SIL and I chipping in with the food buying, cooking and serving then DH and BIL cracking on with all the washing up while we keep the kids out of trouble. It's at PILs because they have the space - still in the family home that they all grew up in, compared to two bed flat/terraces that the rest of us stay in.

MinecraftHolmes · 23/12/2018 19:27

WW3, obviously. That's my Autocorrect of the Day.

Geekster1963 · 23/12/2018 19:28

Yes me and my Sisters and brother are all adults and married with our own children and my parents have started taking it in turns to come to each of us for Christmas. They came to us last year and it was nice for DD to be at home so she could play with her presents all day and it was more relaxing for my Mum and Dad.

We will have them once every four years. We tend to have DH’s parents the other years as he’s an only child and Dd an only grandchild.

mortifiedmama · 23/12/2018 20:22

We've hosted DHs parents. And offered to host mine. My mum was very put out. I think sometimes the refusal to break tradition goes both ways!

TheABC · 23/12/2018 20:29

My parents are hosting this year with my siblings, my family and assorted children all descending. We are all contributing some thing to eat or drink and DH and myself are planning to tie mum down (with a sherry), so we do the washing up for them.
It's going to be noisy, chaotic and totally OTT. I can't wait and neither can they. :-)

Desperado40 · 23/12/2018 20:43

I think a lot of is to do with the practicality and space. My inlaws host because they have a large house that can accommodate a large family. Even if we only invited inlaws and hosted, it would be a real squeeze and stressful in terms of space. I am not sure what the solution is tbh. We are stuck in out 2 up to down for a forseeable future.

Raven88 · 23/12/2018 20:47

I'm 30 and I would love to host Christmas for my mum but she won't let me, she loves to cook, I just bring wine and make sure she gets lots of gifts.

Neoflex · 23/12/2018 20:51

Spending Christmas with my DM, we are in our 30s and have a 1 year old Dd. Reading this I am trying to think what would happen if I tried to help cook the meal or clean up. What a mine field. From thinking she is incapable to trying to steal her thunder, there is so much potential for an argument I think I would rather hide in the living room sneaking more baileys into my coffee than interfere with what actually is "her" day.
Plus, I have hardly got my dd anything because every time I mentioned I would like to get her something my dm went out and got it as a gift from her. I got her one special gift (a rocking horse) that dm knew about since November. But a few days ago she sent me photos of the rocking unicorn she has just gone and bought because it was such a bargain and it can just stay at nanas.
She's a great person. I am not resentful (maybe slightly over the horse) but some parents will never give up Christmas so the adult kids just accept they will always be the guests. Easier than starting a turf war.

Turquoisetamborine · 23/12/2018 21:01

My mam absolutely loves hosting Christmas. My stepdad is a great help to her with cooking and prep and she’s only 63 so not too old or infirm to do it. I do always offer but she enjoys it.

They have plenty of money so it’s no issue to fund it. We always bring the starter so we do contribute. My brother brings the dessert if they aren’t at my SIL house. Last year there was only 6 of us, this year 12.

It does help that we all have houses within a couple of miles so we go home after a few hours so there are no overnight stays.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/12/2018 21:46

Many parents enjoy hosting - I do, though it's not every year now - and often have more time, money and space to do it. Some are positively put out if anyone suggests that they stop. I know someone who was seriously put out when her dd of nearly 50, with teen DCs, said they'd like to stay in their own home for once. Serious offence was taken - it was ridiculous.

Having said that, for 40 odd years my lovely MiL (RIP) hosted for hordes in a tiny kitchen. Dh and I were living in the Middle East, where (unlike summer) winter weather is lovely, and invited her and FiL for Christmas.

Mil jumped at it. Fil however grumbled, said they couldn't possibly come, couldn't leave the house in winter, what if the pipes froze, etc. (In London, where it's rarely that cold).

Mil said, 'Well, you can do what you like - I'm going!'
In the end they both came, had a lovely time - and no pipes froze.

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/12/2018 21:57

We are lucky and admit to enjoy being ‘looked after’ a bit at Christmas.

Do when do your DP get to be 'looked after' a bit at Christmas?

NoShelfElf · 23/12/2018 22:25

It was along time in my relationship withDH that he was prepared to not return to the fold for Christmas. But over the years, he has grown up and realised perhaps his ideals are different now (the men go to the pub over the road while the women mind the children and cook the dinner. The women ring when food is ready. The men arrive an hour or so later, worse for wear).

homeishere · 23/12/2018 22:26

We offered to host this year, and put up my parents and MiL, FiL and SISiL and her husband. Just had to cancel as I’m being sick with a bug that my two children have had. Imagine my DH will get it soon. Spag Bol for us - made a gaunt one for tomorrow (luckily DH hasn’t done the Xmas day food shop yet).

homeishere · 23/12/2018 22:26

*giant, not gaunt.

tillytrotter1 · 23/12/2018 23:00

Referring to the BBC article, that slob wouldn't sit down to a meal I've cooked still in his pyjamas.

ferntwist · 24/12/2018 07:30

What’s missing from this article is the pictures and quotes from the parents - that would have been really interesting and made the piece much more revealing.

Deadbudgie · 24/12/2018 07:38

God I’d do anything to host Christmas rather than trailing round the country, two days in we’ve already had one night in a shitty hotel and dine 400 miles, only another 2 nights in hotels and 500 miles to go (anc doing Christmas for our family of 3 (inc all the cooking and cleaning, shopping) inbetween

PaintingOwls · 24/12/2018 07:38

*NoShelfElf

The men go to the pub over the road while the women mind the children and cook the dinner. The women ring when food is ready. The men arrive an hour or so later, worse for wear).

That's awful!

Fairylea · 24/12/2018 07:39

Maybe some of it is.... I think younger people are losing the art of home cooking, and to me that’s part of it. I say that as someone who is 38, a lot of my friends and younger acquaintances just think a roast dinner (which is basically what Christmas dinner is!) is really difficult to cook and all kinds of panic flashes across their face if anyone even suggests it.

Everyone is always in such a rush nowadays the thought of trying to time a meal with several different bits to be ready at the same time feels too complex for a lot of people... so they just go back to their mums / partners mums etc.

I make a big effort to teach my dc how to cook stuff like roasts, proper meals etc. It really isn’t difficult but I think it all just intimidates people.

Lovelydovey · 24/12/2018 07:44

In our family hosting means providing the house but the rest of us chip in with providing the food and alcohol and with clearing up etc. So this year Xmas day is at my parents but my brother and I will cook and we’ll all put up guests in our own homes before and after.

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