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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to host at Christmas.

84 replies

Nousernameforme · 23/12/2018 16:29

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-46383297
I just read this and I'm not sure why but it has annoyed me.

It's a load of adults presumably representing a larger group of adults who go to their parents houses at Christmas. They don't want the stress or expense of hosting but are quite happy for their parents to suck it up year on year.
I'm sure in some, maybe even most cases the parents are keen for this to continue and have no problem with providing Christmas for their adult children.
I don't think it's jealousy, I wouldn't want to be cosseted in that way as I would find it stifling.
It just doesn't sit right with me. I suppose I think that 30-40 year olds should grow up look after themselves.
I have visions of a poor aging woman stressing over providing yet another picture perfect nostalgic Christmas whilst wishing she was on a beach somewhere warm with a good book and a glass of something strong instead.

I certainly won't be doing this with mine as they get to that age as I would hope they had their own families and yes we or they could visit or do a joint Christmas where everyone chips in and helps with the workload.

I know I shouldn't judge each to their own etc but I do a bit.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 23/12/2018 17:01

It was the one who said she didn't want to do it because it was so expensive that got me - so it's okay for your folks to fork out a fortune but not you then love? Hmm I hope her parents see it and ask for a financial contribution.

Jaxhog · 23/12/2018 17:03

I'd happily host, if my siblings would come to me! But they mostly have kids, so we go to them. Or rather, whoever is hosting my mum. But we take lots of crackers and presents.

AnnaMariaDreams · 23/12/2018 17:06

We host my parents and MIL here and have ever since we got together 15 years ago. Reasons- my mum can’t cook. Over cooked veg, ready done roasties, just not great. MIL can but helpfully doesn’t invite my parents (I’m an only child).
When DS is grown we will love hosting him still, for as long as we can. We both love Christmas and DH is a fantastic cook. We’ll happily go to him and if there is the odd year when he’s not free, as long as we know well in advance we’ll go on holiday.

Frouby · 23/12/2018 17:07

I have done my own Christmas since being 20. For about 6 years I hosted my mum and younger siblings. Then a few years doing Christmas for my mum and her new dh or ILS. These days I always offer my mum to come but we prefer a quieter day with dcs at the moment.

I actually thought about this the other day. Dd is 14 and I suppose in the next 5 years or so she may be making her own plans and that makes me sad. I would like my dcs to keep coming home for Christmas. But also me and dh like a holiday in December so can see us reaching a point when we want to be on holiday for Christmas.

I think that people should do what suits them. If hosting Christmas doesn't suit anymore then people should just say. So a conversation in September. 'Just to let you know, we aren't hosting Christmas day this year, we are planning either the pub or an M and S dinner ding unless we get invited elsewhere. Just letting you know so you can make plans'. It's all it takes really.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2018 17:08

Well wait until they have children, What are they going to do! When eventually their parent's pass away.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/12/2018 17:17

I did my first at 31. Second at 32. Second time pil, sil and dn basically ate, opened presents and fucked off. I sent a text that night saying I was not doing it again and I haven’t.

Which is why my late 70’s mil will be cooking a Christmas dinner this year & I’ll be having a very relaxed day cooking ours with dh.

XingMing · 23/12/2018 17:21

As a family, we share the hosting duties around, but inevitably, someone has the most convenient location or house for a gathering. We all have to travel regardless, and have both very young and very aged relatives, and some like DS (in hospitality) will be working right through the holiday, providing for people who want to pay to be relieved of all the work.

Cherries101 · 23/12/2018 17:22

Amongst Indian families it’s common to go back to parents for Christmas / Diwali etc but with the kids cooking / cleaning etc. Same with most of the Non-Indian people I know. This idea of going home and expecting the parents to cook is a specifically British / American thing.

wowfudge · 23/12/2018 17:26

One woman said she didn't know how to cook a roask dinner, which is Franky pathetic.It really isn't very difficult and there are literally thousands of recipes, videos, etc online. I wonder if some of the parents never taught their kids to cook? We were helping in the kitchen and watching how things were done from the age of around 8.

AnOtherNomdePlume · 23/12/2018 17:27

In think hosting a Sunday roast type dinner would be a good practice run.

It should be their New year's resolution!

blueskiesandforests · 23/12/2018 17:28

Their parents have to be complicit in this.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 23/12/2018 17:28

I’m 33, DH is 37 and we love going to the parents for Christmas, though we do contribute (dessert and pigs in blankets this year). The main reason we don’t host though is because of the space, the reality is for DH family their would be 10 adults and 3 children and for mine there would be 7 adults and 2 kids and our table/house isn’t big enough. I would love to host more, I actually quite enjoy it, but the reality is we won’t be moving for at least 5 years so it’s a while off yet!

OhTheRoses · 23/12/2018 17:34

I have been hosting for 27 years. We have the biggest house. MIL is here. DC are 20/23. Over 5 days I'll dish up 50 dinners. As time goes on we'll go with the flow. have fantasies about side of smoked salmon and champagne in bed

For as long as I'm able and dc want to come, I'll do it. I do remember when DS was tiny we were so skint we were jolly pleased to go to my parents. Although they over exvited ds so much he went to sleep at 5.30am boxing day.

eddiemairswife · 23/12/2018 17:37

I've various children coming and going over the Christmas period. I have bought all the food, but they can do all the cooking.

Soconfusedbylife · 23/12/2018 17:42

It really irritates me too that article! Before Children me and DH used to drive 2.5 hours on Christmas Day to spend half the day with my parents and half with his. It was expected of us that we would go to our parents for them to host.

When we had children we decided to host and my family have loved coming every year, my Mum was desperate to stop doing it! My in laws have still forgiven us and have so far joined us once in 7 years. They ask every year for us to go to them but we love hosting and find it much easier and better for the children.

The ones in the article sounded like they needed to grow up though

knittedmouse · 23/12/2018 17:43

We had to go to the in laws house every year and I hated it. It was utter crap. I can't understand anyone wanting to go to the same place year after year. It's nice to be in your own home for some xmases.

Whoopsies · 23/12/2018 17:47

Both my parents and pils LOVE hosting Christmas!! I have tried, but neither set wants me to host. They want to host (we alternate every year) they honestly have no problem with it. I don't expect it, but I do love it!

LostaraYil · 23/12/2018 17:49

We're 40ish with teenage DCs, but my ILs wouldn't hear of us not going to theirs. They told DH they would be very disappointed if we didn't go. I've managed to cut back to just going for Christmas lunch this year, and DH does help with cooking. I can't wait till we're in a big enough house to be able to host them so we can stay at home!

Snugglepiggy · 23/12/2018 17:51

I'm torn on this one.Been hosting it for years.Not just our adult DCs and partners but the elderly relatives who live on their own.In all fairness one of my DCs offered to host this year but we have more room ,and dogs come too !But then we all enjoy the walks as a family.On one hand I love it,and DH and I have got the big Xmas meal off pat.I've spent all day today prepping.But it's hardly relaxing no matter how much I prepare,and also expensive.This year I have delegated and asked for some food to be brought.
I am partly to blame because I love being in my own home, but definitely want a year off soon.On the other hand it's lovely that we all get on and our DCs enjoy spending time with us.
I wouldn't ever want them to feel they couldn't opt out or do their own thing though.DH and I might enjoy beans on toast or a curry for a change one year !

Sugarformyhoney · 23/12/2018 17:57

The opppsiye here. Dm insists on having Xmas ‘in her own home’ and refuses to go away or come to us. I have a dc with a disability so can’t really travel to her so therefore we never spend Xmas together. My dbro would like to come to me, but doesn’t want to leave our mum on her own. Therefore I get left out of family Xmas every year.
So annoying when people think they are the only prole who can host and wont give anyone else the opportunity

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2018 18:07

Oh I don't know, reading it again I think it's been given a certain slant. I mean they've not interviewed the parents who may be like mine and many of my friends parents who actually expect everyone to come to them for Christmas. Despite telling all and sundry how stressful it is! I've seen it a lot on MN too over the years - pressure to travel to parents or ILs when people would quite like to stay home and have everyone to them but the older generation are reluctant.

Friends of ours will set off with their 7 and 4 year old dc at 10am Christmas Day for a 4 hour drive because "mum expects us and I'd feel awful if they didn't get to see the gc Christmas Day". No, mum and dad don't want to come to them Hmm. Mine certainly like to do Christmas their way and for years we went because it was expected and we didn't want to disappoint them. We now have our Christmas in our own home but it's just the four of us, I've given up inviting them at this stage and my other siblings don't feel like they can say "actually let's all go to CantSleeps for a change. We've more space, a big kitchen, a dining table to fit everyone but no, they like their own home and their own way of doing things.

I will say though that DH and I always contributed. We'd provide a selection of desserts, a couple of bottles of Prosecco, usually 6 bottles of wine, tin of nice biscuits and boxes of chocolates and help with the washing up. It is costly to host and while adult dc might enjoy the traditional Christmas of their childhood they're not dependent children and absolutely should contribute.

SongforSal · 23/12/2018 18:13

I have cooked the Christmas Dinner every year since I was 16!

I'm 36 this year, and it's the first time I will not be hosting. Parents have gone abroad for Christmas with my Dsis for a change.

It's just me, Dp, and our teenage Dcs at home. Dp is cooking, so this will be the very first year in my adult life, someone will be cooking for me for a change.

I am so excited! For the first time I can watch tv, play games, and enjoy relaxing with the Dcs without being a host, and on my feet constantly. Smile

AnxiousMcAnxiousFace · 23/12/2018 18:38

My mum was OUTRAGED last year when I suggested hosting. She thought I was implying that she was now too old to host and refused to entertain the idea.

To be fair it is easier in terms of space. She has a massive house and table. Also, they can drink lots. I do find it difficult going to theirs as my own children don’t get time at home until the 27th. The same applies at DH house. Outraged parents thinking we thought they were past it.

PatchworkElmer · 23/12/2018 18:43

We’re hosting for the first time this year (I’m 31). I confess that it’s a lot of work and expense, and I’m not doing cartwheels about the prospect. BUT my parents have done it for my whole life, they deserve a break, and to have a proper chance to play with their Grandchild on Christmas Day.

For the record, it’s taken DH and I 3 years to persuade them to let us host. We broke them in gently last year by hosting Christmas Eve dinner.

Myglassesareknackered · 23/12/2018 18:45

My DSis and BIL are like this. They never ever host. Not anything. Happy to come to ours, happy to come to parents, but never ever think to offer to host. They have a large house and no children. Lots of room. Invite their friends over for dinner and Sunday lunch regularly, but never family.
My parents and DH and I alternate hosting Christmas each year.