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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Older cousin not being encouraged to share toys

77 replies

stiltonontoast · 23/12/2018 09:14

This is in no way a big deal to me - I'm just interested in other peoples opinions.

Went to see my SIL yesterday with my 9 month old DD, SIL has a 2.5 year old DS we'll call 'cousin' - cousin isn't very good at playing with other children despite going to nursery full time. Can't be trusted at softplays and isn't allowed to play freely because he will snatch things / push others.

Cousin has a specific toy he loves very much - he has many versions of this toy.

My DD is playing happily with other toys and then spots one of cousins beloved toys and starts stroking it. Immediately SIL snatches the toy away and gives it back to cousin (even though he wasn't playing with it in the first place) she then says 'toy' is sacred and can't be touched by others! So my DD is only allowed to gaze at the toy accross the room while Cousin hogs it.

I think its ridiculous! Its basically showing Cousin that he does not have to share his toys if he doesn't want to.

OP posts:

Sunshineandalltherainbows · 23/12/2018 09:16

Was it all toys or just this particular toy?

needsahouseboy · 23/12/2018 09:17

Well I don't think she handled it well but do you share all your stuff with everyone???

I think its perfectly acceptable to have one toy that they don't have to share with everyone. He was letting your daughter play with other toys. Its his favourite at this time and there is nothing wrong with teaching your child that she can't always play with what she wants and some things are precious to others and she is not entitled to play with everything

pinkdelight · 23/12/2018 09:18

I think your 9mo will be fine about it - gazing across the room at it sounds a bit flowery. I think SIL prob just wants to avoid the aggro. Don't all 2.5yos need supervising at softplay? It's usually a rule that they're supervised as none of them are great at playing beautifully together. In summary, I agree this is in no way a big deal.

EmUntitled · 23/12/2018 09:18

If it's just that one toy it's not a big deal, presumably she was allowed to play with his other toys. She probably shouldn't have snatched the toy away but if the alternative is the toddler shoving the baby or having a huge tantrum, its probably worth it. Your 9 month old probably forgot about it 20 seconds later

ThePeppermintMonkey · 23/12/2018 09:20

There's nothing wrong with children having special toys that they don't want others to play with, especially when the visiting child in question is a nine month old and therefore extremely unlikely to take any care at all with them and likely to drool and chew on them. If it was a play date I'd tell them to share some but to put any extra special toys away before the visitor arrived.

Adults don't share every gadget or belonging that they have, or even most of them. I've never understood why children must be forced to share everything they own.

MaidenMotherCrone · 23/12/2018 09:20

I’m not saying SIL’s handling of this situation is right by any means but perhaps she was taking the easiest way out of an impending tantrum that would’ve disrupted your visit.
You might feel differently when your child has reached the terrible two’s.
Disclaimer.... my children didn’t go to nursery, shared nicely and didn’t have tantrums ( I appreciate I gave birth 3 times to bizarre creatures😁).

Original poster

stiltonontoast · 23/12/2018 09:21

No it was just one in particular toy - but he has a lot of them identical.

Cousin wasn't even bothered until SIL reacted. I guess she was maybe trying to stop a tantrum before it happened.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 23/12/2018 09:21

Although I think in general sharing should be encouraged I also don’t see an issue of not always sharing favourites. It is fine to have some things which are yours and not for sharing.

IceRebel · 23/12/2018 09:21

A toy for a 2.5 year old could be possibly be unsuitable for a 9 month old, and if cousin is very attached to these particular toys then I can see why it would be removed. He wasn't refusing to share all of his toys, as you say your daughter was already playing with toys which I assume belonged to him.

Hermagsjesty · 23/12/2018 09:21

I think kids are absolutely entitled to have special toys that they don’t share - as an adult, I don’t share all my favourite, most precious things with everybody who comes around to my house so I don’t believe kids should be forced to either. I’d usually get my kids to put the things that didn’t want to share away somewhere safe before a play date though.

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/12/2018 09:22

I would think this no big deal too. The cousin is only 2 And so has plenty of time to learn.

AllYeFaithful · 23/12/2018 09:22

I think when you have a 2.5 year old, you have to pick your battles. There are other ways to teach sharing - sharing food, taking turns in a game etc. At that age it’s fairly common to have an attachment to certain toys and find it difficult to share them. Maybe she just wanted to avoid a toddler meltdown? Especially if he struggles with social stuff anyway...

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 09:23

Your child isn’t entitled to the things of others. Special toys should be put away when others are visiting.

Wenttoseainasieve · 23/12/2018 09:23

He's only 2.5. Also, why should children have to share all their belongings? I don't share all my special things, do you?

Kitkatmonster · 23/12/2018 09:24

2.5 year olds aren’t really designed to understand the concept of sharing, they’re still very much learning about how things work. If it was a special toy then it’s ok not to share, though I agree your SIL could have handled it better.

Shmithecat · 23/12/2018 09:26

Sounds fairly typical for a 2yo tbh. Next time you visit, take some of your dcs toys with you. I'm not massive advocate of making kids share their toys - to a 2yo, that toy might mean the world to them. As an adult, I absolutely love my car. No one would make me share it with anyone else, so I really can't understand why small children are expected to share their prized possessions either 🤷‍♀️

Jiminybikkit · 23/12/2018 09:26

I'm dying to know what the toy is

Original poster

stiltonontoast · 23/12/2018 09:26

"He's only 2.5. Also, why should children have to share all their belongings? I don't share all my special things, do you?"

Obviously no, but I do think at least when they're little they should be encouraged to share, rather than encouraged to not share.

OP posts:

Original poster

stiltonontoast · 23/12/2018 09:27

@Jiminybikkit its one of the ikea cuddlies!

OP posts:

GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 23/12/2018 09:27

A special toy is special. It's ok to have toys that are off limits, though I'd suggest putting them away when someone is over.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to change the age and sex of your child though.

RandomMess · 23/12/2018 09:27

They don't share at this age, taking in turns is the best strategy to start with.

I reckon she didn't want cousin kicking off or hurting your baby.

Not how I would have dealt with it though!

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 09:28

At 2.5 you really do need to pick your battles. Presumably there were other toys shared?

IceRebel · 23/12/2018 09:28

they should be encouraged to share, rather than encouraged to not share.

But he was being encouraged to share. There were other toys, which I presume belonged to him that your daughter was playing with.

SockEatingMonster · 23/12/2018 09:29

It sounds like the mother could have handled it better, but I don’t think we should make children share special toys, especially when it’s a younger child who is likely to gum it or damage it in some way.

kaytee87 · 23/12/2018 09:29

2yo's are crap at sharing (actually I wouldn't like someone using my stuff either), they all need supervising at soft play. Sil's reaction was a bit strange if that's exactly how it happened but she was likely trying to preempt a tantrum as you'll learn to when you have a toddler.
Oh and most toddlers snatch, a lot of them push too. Going to nursery full time some studies say actually makes toddlers more aggressive, not more sociable.
I thought I knew how to be a perfect toddler mum too when mine was a baby

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