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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Older cousin not being encouraged to share toys

77 replies

stiltonontoast · 23/12/2018 09:14

This is in no way a big deal to me - I'm just interested in other peoples opinions.

Went to see my SIL yesterday with my 9 month old DD, SIL has a 2.5 year old DS we'll call 'cousin' - cousin isn't very good at playing with other children despite going to nursery full time. Can't be trusted at softplays and isn't allowed to play freely because he will snatch things / push others.

Cousin has a specific toy he loves very much - he has many versions of this toy.

My DD is playing happily with other toys and then spots one of cousins beloved toys and starts stroking it. Immediately SIL snatches the toy away and gives it back to cousin (even though he wasn't playing with it in the first place) she then says 'toy' is sacred and can't be touched by others! So my DD is only allowed to gaze at the toy accross the room while Cousin hogs it.

I think its ridiculous! Its basically showing Cousin that he does not have to share his toys if he doesn't want to.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2018 09:48

My almost 3 year old will grudgingly let other children play with most of her things but she has a couple of special teddies that she will not. These sleep with her, she talks to them, she loves them. It is very distressing for her for another child to play with them, she panics that they might take them. I wouldn't make her share those and would swiftly take them off another child before things kicked off, while apologising to them, explaining they're special and offering something else. She's learning to share but that doesn't make all her things a free for all.

Osirus · 23/12/2018 09:48

And yes, please don’t leave your child when it turns 2 unsupervised at soft play. They are the worst parents (you’ll see! ).

ncasouting · 23/12/2018 09:48

He’s not 2.5.
If he’s attached to particular toys that’s fine not to share - if it’s those Ikea cuddlies then it’s actually pretty smart of his parents to get him attached to more than one (we lost teddy on a boat. And nearly left him on a plane)

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 09:48

The child is sharing Bluelady. He is being brought up to share. He is also being brought up to know it’s ok to say no sometimes.

The baby is too young, but will in time learn that some things are off limits.

Cheerbear23 · 23/12/2018 09:50

I too used to hide any toys I didn’t want my kids to share when we had visitors. A 9 month old could damage puke, dribble, smash a toy in the floor.
2.5 is still very young you know, She probably intervened to stop her child from kicking off and having a tantrum.

MinecraftHolmes · 23/12/2018 09:50

You've not had a 2 year old yet. They're shit at sharing. A lot of 3 year olds are still spectacularly shit at it. She's probably had a lot of play dates that have ended in disaster because of these sort of situations, that the trigger toys will have to get hidden away during to avoid the tantrums. Most 2 years olds will have certain toys that have to get hidden away for the greater good, or that just can't be shared nicely.

They have their whole lives to share and comply - having a special interest toy/set that isn't for sharing isn't going to turn them into selfish arses as adults.

Neverunderfed · 23/12/2018 09:50

You don't like him very much do you! He's 2.5. If anything going to nursery full time at well teach him to be protective of his toys. I certainly remind my kids to put anything precious to them away before guests come if they don't want them touched.

At 9 months my kids wouldn't care a jot if you took a toy, and actually would just slobber all over it anyway so I can understand why they might not want that happening to a soft toy.

Neverunderfed · 23/12/2018 09:53

I will lend other adults all sorts of things. I'm an adult perfectly able to rationalise my emotions around objects, I have the control and ability to be able to say no if I want to, and replace if I need to. Very different to a 2.5yr old.

StoppinBy · 23/12/2018 09:55

@bluelady I have shared all those things with my friends/family but I still encourage 'taking turns' rather than 'sharing as being ok and also allow my child to have things that she doesn't have to share.

It actually really annoys me when another parent tries to remove something from my child's possession just because they think my child has had it long enough and their kid wants a go.... no way buddy, I wont let my child take it from mine anymore than I will allow my child to take it from another.

IntentsAndPorpoises · 23/12/2018 10:00

I've lent things to friends too. But when they've asked and I've considered whether I want to based on the value to me, the friend, the reason, the length of time. I wouldn't be too impressed if a friend came to my house and just started borrowing clothes from my wardrobe or just picked up my car keys and drive off.

Bluelady · 23/12/2018 10:02

What's taking turns if it isn't sharing? Same thing in my book. And the kid's mother took the toy away, so I think we're on the same page, StoppinBy.

Aragog · 23/12/2018 10:08

The little one will learn with time. It's fine to have special toys that are not for sharing. However these should be put away out of reach/sight during the visit of other children.

StoppinBy · 23/12/2018 10:12

@bluelady

IMO - Sharing means playing with the same toy at the same time, say if a child has a ball and another child wants to join in playing rolly polly/catch etc but my child (or vice versa) wants to just play by themselves a lot of parents would expect Child one to play the game that suits both children, I don't, I would accept that choosing to play by oneself with the ball is an acceptable choice to make.

Taking turns = Child 2 waiting until Child 1 is finished playing with the ball then Child 1 will hand it over so Child 2 can have a go with it.

From your post it sounds like you were saying the Mum should have not removed the toy and simply allowed the baby to have whatever they wanted? Sorry if I misread that.

StoppinBy · 23/12/2018 10:15

I see what you mean now reading my post back. Sorry, I meant that if my child has a communal toy that I would not be happy with having it taken from them but if a parent explained that they toy was a special one and should have been put away but wasn't then I would for sure explain that to my child (or swap them another toy if it was a young baby) that it had to be given back and we would find something else.

BottleOfJameson · 23/12/2018 10:17

To be fair OP's accepted the responses really well. My only advice would be to not be too judgemental about the kids of close family. Everyone's a bit precious when their own kids are involved especially babies but try to find solutions which keep them all happy (bring your own toys?). If you're secretly thinking your nephew is annoying - too grabby, can't share etc your sil will pick up on it. Kids have different temperaments - some are more challenging than others (just like some babies are more unsettled than others) but if they're family try to focus on the good bits and don't be judgemental. It won't be long before your own DC goes through a phase which doesn't exactly cover them in glory.

Branleuse · 23/12/2018 10:23

Shes obviously hot on what her ds will be triggered by and wants everyone to have a pleasant time. She sounds like shes going to great lengths to avoid her ds not having his special toy, by having duplicates, and shes even stopped going to certain places to avoid conflict. You do not need to judge her parenting or what she needs to do better.

Cheerbear23 · 23/12/2018 10:30

Spot on BottleOfJameson

youarenotkiddingme · 23/12/2018 11:23

2yo can be very possessive over particular toys. I expect she was trying to avoid a scene.

However having said that if it's a toy he won't share or doesn't want to be should be taught it remains away when he has visitors.

BigusBumus · 23/12/2018 12:49

When my DS was 2.5y he was a dreadful sharer. When we had friends over, rather than have a massive scene and ruin the visit, I would hide all his most precious toys beforehand and tell him I was keeping them safe for him. He was actually pleased about that, in a massively selfish way! We still laugh about that now he's 16. I think your SIL is fairly normal tbh.

Thentherewascake · 23/12/2018 13:02

BUT if they don't want to share it when others are over then they need to put it away.

exactly that.

Cherries101 · 23/12/2018 13:03

At 9 months old my dn put absolutely everything in her mouth. Most of my cousins (even those with similar aged babies) put plush / soft toys away when she came round because of that because of the hygiene factor. It’s nothing to take offence about!

Spikeyball · 23/12/2018 13:04

"It's fine to have special toys that are not for sharing. However these should be put away out of reach/sight during the visit of other children."

My son has 'coping' toys that he has multiple copies of. If another child picked one up he would take it off them. I would tell another parent this but would then expect them to respect that this is one of his needs.

HopeGarden · 23/12/2018 14:14

One of my DC has a special toy that he’s been very attached to since he was a baby.

Once we realised how much he liked the toy, we got multiple copies of it (at least 3 of which have been permanently lost outside the house).

DS does not share this toy, even now that he’s school aged. If, when he was a toddler, he’d put special toy down for a bit, and then seen another child playing with it, then all hell would break loose. Putting it away never really worked well because he wanted special toy near him all the time. So yes, if he’d put special toy down, and I saw another child picking it up, then I’d be removing the special toy immediately. It’s the one toy he had that wasn’t for sharing at all.

So if this toy belonging to the cousin was a very special toy, I can understand your SILs actions. It sounds like he was sharing the other toys with your DD?

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2018 14:21

Not many kids play that well together at 2.5yrs and would definitely need supervision at softplay.

Teaching turn-taking is more sensible but you don’t have to share everything. If that’s his special toy then I wouldn’t expect him to share if your child is allowed to play with all the rest.

Sharing is overrated. It’s more important to teach them to be kind and thoughtful.

AJPTaylor · 23/12/2018 14:27

Mum knows her child.
Difference between 9 mos and 2.5 years is massive.kids learn different things at different times.most small children struggle to share.

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