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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older cousin not being encouraged to share toys

77 replies

stiltonontoast · 23/12/2018 09:14

This is in no way a big deal to me - I'm just interested in other peoples opinions.

Went to see my SIL yesterday with my 9 month old DD, SIL has a 2.5 year old DS we'll call 'cousin' - cousin isn't very good at playing with other children despite going to nursery full time. Can't be trusted at softplays and isn't allowed to play freely because he will snatch things / push others.

Cousin has a specific toy he loves very much - he has many versions of this toy.

My DD is playing happily with other toys and then spots one of cousins beloved toys and starts stroking it. Immediately SIL snatches the toy away and gives it back to cousin (even though he wasn't playing with it in the first place) she then says 'toy' is sacred and can't be touched by others! So my DD is only allowed to gaze at the toy accross the room while Cousin hogs it.

I think its ridiculous! Its basically showing Cousin that he does not have to share his toys if he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 23/12/2018 09:30

Sounds fine. Most 2 year old shave special toys which aren't for sharing - totally normal. If your DC was older I'd say the special toy should be put away but a 9 month old isn't going to care so I don't see the problem. When yours is older she'll probably snatch and push sometimes too.

toomuchtooold · 23/12/2018 09:31

2 year olds don't really get sharing. They might get the concept of taking turns, but they don't usually do it with much grace, usually preferring (IME) to lie on the floor and cry until it's their turn again. It's only really once they're about 3 or 4 that they start caring about getting into trouble with adults and 4 or 5 till they are OK with sharing in order to stay friends with another kid. Add to that, little kids get emotionally attached to some objects (usually soft toys but it could be anything) and I think it gives them a feeling of safety in a new and confusing world to know that that thing is theirs and theirs only, that nobody is going to take it off them. One option is to put those sorts of things away when other kids visit, although he may like having it by him. DD2 used to go upstairs herself and get her favourite soft toy, he came everywhere with us.

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 23/12/2018 09:32

He was sharing, all the other toys.

She sounds a bit precious, but you're obviously quite irritated about this on your 9month olds behalf so surely you have some insight into how she feels wanting to protect her child's feelings?

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2018 09:32

Most 2.5 year olds aren't old enough to get sharing, it will come with time. I would never make my toddler share her special toy. I would and have taken it off another child that's picked it up.
Let's wait until your 9 month old is 2 and see if your opinion changes.

kaytee87 · 23/12/2018 09:32

but they don't usually do it with much grace, usually preferring (IME) to lie on the floor and cry until it's their turn again

😂😂 or go stiff as a board in your arms shouting 'no mummy, nooooooo'

PoutySprout · 23/12/2018 09:33

My BIL took a toy from my DD to give to his DD, along with an abrupt “share”.

I took his cup of tea off him, said “share” and drank it. Got the point across nicely.

Original poster
stiltonontoast · 23/12/2018 09:35

Alright then, interesting! I don't have much experience with 2 year olds really so I didn't really realise that sharing was such a big deal. In my eyes I just saw it as a weird parenting move.

@GimmeGimmeHellYeah you never know who might be reading. Impressive detective skills tho... Hmm

OP posts:
colditz · 23/12/2018 09:36

I know he seems massive to you, but he really is just a baby and maybe his mum wanted to avoid a two hour screaming fit over something that didn't matter to anyone else.

Bluelady · 23/12/2018 09:37

As always, I'm going against the grain. Not only is this child not being encouraged to share his stuff, he's being actively discouraged from doing so. Pretty crap parenting in my view.

StoppinBy · 23/12/2018 09:38

I don't expect my kids to share everything BUT if they don't want to share it when others are over then they need to put it away.

That also includes my daughter (5yrs) not having to share everything with our son (19mth) but if she leaves it out in the lounge and he gets it then I do make her let him have a turn as long as it's not a damageable toy and then when he is done she puts it away again pretty quickly haha.

I would not snatch a toy from a child though, I would trade a baby that young for something else or talk to an older child about how that certain toy is meant to be away and while I am sorry I am going to have to take it away and put it somewhere safe, then take it and put it out of eyesight until play date is over.

Enidblyton1 · 23/12/2018 09:39

Sounds fine OP.
SiL may have jumped in a bit quickly on this occasion because of previous experience, but it’s not unusual for children to have a favourite toy which they don’t share with others.

Jackshouse · 23/12/2018 09:39

When is the last time you shared your clothes, make up or car with your friends? Sharing is a difficult concept for a child and it’s nothing something they see modelled by adults.

I don’t make my 2.5 year old share her toys, obviously if she is with others then she has to share some things but she is not allowed to snatch from other.

Kintan · 23/12/2018 09:39

I'm another who doesn't see what your SiL has done wrong. From your description of 'cousin' focusing only on their negative behaviour makes it sound like you aren't too fond of the child in general anyway. Wait until your child reaches two and see how 'ridiculous' you think this situation was looking back!

DeepanKrispanEven · 23/12/2018 09:40

Its basically showing Cousin that he does not have to share his toys if he doesn't want to

Well, that's fine, because he doesn't.

Mudmonster · 23/12/2018 09:40

YABU. Cousin is allowed to have a special toy that no one else is allowed to play with.
Just because they are children doesn’t mean that everything they have becomes communal property.
I have lots of things that are special to me that I don’t share with anyone else.
Surely a 9m old baby just chews and bangs toys anyway and doesn’t really play in the way a 2.5 year old does and sil didn’t want the toy to be broken or slobbered on.

LuvSmallDogs · 23/12/2018 09:41

When I was little I remember my mum gathering my most precious toys (MLP cuddly toys) and hiding them on top of my wardrobe before my friends visited. 20+ years later, I share beautifully.Wink

You wouldn’t encourage your DC to take their most special teddy to the Teddy Bear’s picnic at school, or wear their favourite dressing up outfit to do a messy activity in, would you? Because they would be very upset should they get dirty/damaged/lost? Whereas your child would be less upset if one of their normal toys were dirty/damaged/lost.

staydazzling · 23/12/2018 09:41

LOL all 2.5 year olds need to be supervised at soft play.

IceRebel · 23/12/2018 09:42

From your description of 'cousin' focusing only on their negative behaviour makes it sound like you aren't too fond of the child in general anyway.

I also picked up on that, I don't see a single positive comment about him. Sad Also OP hasn't confirmed if the other toys her daughter was playing with belonged to the "cousin", If so he was being very kind sharing with a child much younger than himself.

winsinbin · 23/12/2018 09:42

Some toys are special and shouldn’t be shared. If the cousin shares well generally I would respect the not touching of his special one. Your SIL was ungracious in snatching from your child, it sounds like she could have been gentler in her approach but learning that not everything can be touched at will is as important a life lesson for children as learning to share.

Bluelady · 23/12/2018 09:43

I've lent friends clothes and make up and, on one occasion, my car. I was brought up to share so I guess that's the difference.

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 09:43

You’ve now learnt that special toys need to go away when other children visit. Remember that in two years time.

You just aren’t there yet. Don’t judge anyone else’s parenting until you are.

Osirus · 23/12/2018 09:46

Grin Wait until you have a two year old! I guess you’ve not had one before!?

It doesn’t matter whether he goes to nursery or not - they are just not emotionally capable to be willing and understand sharing. Sometimes they learn they have to, but they still don’t want to.

My toddler will hold on to toys she wants but will hand ove something else nearby as a kind of “negotiation”. I see this a lot with other toddlers too.

Just wait until you have a toddler!

Thewifipasswordis · 23/12/2018 09:46

"Its basically showing Cousin that he does not have to share his toys if he doesn't want to."

But... he does not have to if he doesn't want to Hmm

What is with the trend to push children to share absolutely everything... just to be naice Confused

Do you do that as an adult? Just give your macbook or phone to someone because they 'want to play with it'? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Kids should be encouraged to share when they want to. That is teaching them kindness. Telling them and expecting them to share every toy is teaching entitlement and shitty attitudes. YABU Op.

IceRebel · 23/12/2018 09:48

I was brought up to share so I guess that's the difference.

Now you're just being ridiculous. Hmm Almost everyone is bought up to share, but a car and make-up can be expensive and are personal to those who buy them. Some things don't need to be shared, and that's ok.

PattiStanger · 23/12/2018 09:48

It wouldn't bother me at all but then I think teaching sharing is overrated, why should small children be forced to share for the sake of it.

It's equally as valid to learn that you can't always get what you want

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