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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not meet DD's 'boyfriend' yet?

89 replies

GreenMonster1500 · 22/12/2018 15:01

DD is 20 and has been speaking to someone online for 18 months. They met a few months ago. He is now coming here to meet up with her. She now considers him her 'boyfriend' - I suppose I have 2 AIBUs. AIBU to think he can't really be considered boyfriend at this stage? Which leads to my second AIBU... AIBU to then not meet him?

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 22/12/2018 15:03

Why wouldn't you?

JaiNotJay · 22/12/2018 15:04

YABU on both counts. I mean, I wouldn't go out of my way to meet him (unless my DD asked me to) but if I would chat to him if my DD brought him round.

Lazypuppy · 22/12/2018 15:04

Why would they not be bf/gf yet? Even ignoring the 18months of talking, i was bf/gf after about 3 weeks of dating my partner

FissionChips · 22/12/2018 15:04

Why can’t he be a boyfriend by now? I met DH online, after the first meeting we became bf/gf.

Santaisonthesherry · 22/12/2018 15:05

The more supportive (not nosey!)you are, the more chance she will suggest you meet him. Please don't let her go alone -

DurhamDurham · 22/12/2018 15:06

I'm not sure why you'd refuse to meet him? Do you insist that they've been going out for a certain period of time before agreeing to meet your daughter's boyfriends?

ColouringPencils · 22/12/2018 15:09

If your child wants you to meet someone she is close to, why would you not want to? Unless you have had to put up with loads of this kind of thing in the past, I can't imagine not wanting to. I am far too nosy, for a start!

Theoryofmould · 22/12/2018 15:10

My dd has a new boyfriend of two months. I'll be meeting him very soon to interrogate him because she wants me to.

Gina2012 · 22/12/2018 15:14

AIBU to think he can't really be considered boyfriend at this stage?

Yes. You ABU. And you're wrong

Which leads to my second AIBU... AIBU to then not meet him?

If he's NOT her boyfriend but he IS her friend, why would you NOT meet him???!!!!

If he IS her boyfriend (which he is because she says he is) you should meet him.

Why all the fucking drama? Just meet the boy.

Didiusfalco · 22/12/2018 15:14

Why wouldn’t you meet him? In this situation I’d be even more keen to vet meet him.

user1493413286 · 22/12/2018 15:15

I’m also not sure why you wouldn’t want to meet him.

ravenmum · 22/12/2018 15:24

They met IRL a few months ago, so why would you say he isn't her boyfriend?

My daughter met her boyfriend on Instagram (I have no clue how that works . He was definitely her boyfriend after a couple of weeks. What else would you call him?

curiousierandcouriser · 22/12/2018 15:30

I'm confused as well - why do you consider him "not her bf"? Even IF he wasn't her bf, why would you refuse to meet him?

YABVU

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 22/12/2018 15:32

Surely it would be better to meet him even just so you can secretly check him out put a face to the name.

It doesn't really matter what your opinion is on wether he's her boyfriend or not that's for her to decide and label because she's an adult.

By taking the stance that he's not her boyfriend and not wanting to meet you could end up with her not wanting or feeling like it's worth sharing things with you which isolates her if he turns out to be a bad one because she won't come to you for support.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 15:34

Why would you refuse to meet him? What's your problem here?

Floralnomad · 22/12/2018 15:34

Loads of people meet online nowadays , infact it’s probably the norm and I can’t see what your issue is , if they are going out exclusively with each other then they are bf/gf .

Original poster

GreenMonster1500 · 22/12/2018 15:36

Oh 😂 guess I'm in the wrong here! Really thought I'd seemed unusual and didn't particularly want to agree to have him here for dinner.

OP posts:

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 22/12/2018 15:36

YABU my best friend met his now husband online, he was in the US so it was a few months until they actually met face to face. But it was absolutely a real relationship Surely its better to meet him and scope him out then completely be unsupportive because of the way they met

Butchyrestingface · 22/12/2018 15:37

AIBU to then not meet him?

Of course YANBU. Don't listen to the peasants on this thread.

The boy needs to learn his place and wait for the royal summons.

Write · 22/12/2018 15:38

YABVU
I can’t understand your issue at all tbh. Most parents would be happy their DC wants them to meet their boyfriend/girlfriend and why is it odd that after a few months she considers him her bf?

blueskiesandforests · 22/12/2018 15:38

Whether you consider him her boyfriend inside your own head orbit, your 20 year old has been chatting online to someone since she was 18, is now almost certainly having sex with him and thinks (rightly or wrongly) that he's her boyfriend. If you think she's being taken in or fooled wouldn't that make most mothers more likely to want to meet him, given the gift of the fact she actually wants you to!

blackcat86 · 22/12/2018 15:41

If you're not welcoming you run the risk of alienating your DD. Obviously if he's treating DD like shit or is clearly an arsehole when you meet him then that's different but she's 20, and this could turn into a serious relationship or even the one. They probably know each other better than a lot of couples if they've chatted online for that long and it would suggest that he feels a deeper connection to your DD. If he was only after one thing he would have got bored long before 18 months.

StroppyWoman · 22/12/2018 15:42

YABU and also a bit mental. Who are you to decide whether your adult daughter has a 'real' boyfriend or not? Just because they met online doesn't mean it isn't a real relationship.

SassitudeandSparkle · 22/12/2018 15:42

I think most people would want to meet him, to vet him as a PP said! Seems odd to refuse to meet him or have him over for dinner.

What would be the tipping point to make you want to meet him then, OP, is there something in particular (eg more than a set number of dates as it sounds as if they have only met up once or twice) that you were expecting first, does the relationship feel a bit new to you?

Original poster

GreenMonster1500 · 22/12/2018 15:42

He lives in Germany. They have spoken online for 18 months. Then 3 months ago, she went to Germany (with a few friends) and met him there, ended up spending the week with him. She then came home and hasn't met him since. He now is coming here in a few weeks. This is what I think is odd. She has only seen him in real life for a week and considers him her boyfriend and wanting him to come here for dinner like they have been dating a while.

OP posts:

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