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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should leave your DH alone when he's out having fun!?

100 replies

HoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 22/12/2018 13:00

BIL is out for his Xmas 'do. He works hard , goes out every few months and SIL is a SAHM well provided for. So today he has left for a xmas day and night drinking with colleagues. SIL visits after he has left and has letters with her to open. Letters are confirming the operation she just had (fertility issues) and the next steps. So she's texting him now because she feels rubbish due to these letters. She shows me the letters, there is nothing new in these letters.

AIBU to think it's just attention seeking and guilt tripping him for her to message him that she is 'upset and on her own with their children while he is out having fun? I think that he is entitled to have a blow out and forget about these issues for a day?

I'm not unsympathetic to the issues at all but just think it's ok to be upset and tell your DH later when he is not out trying to enjoy himself. FWIW, there are still lots of options available to them in regards to fertility so it's not that they are dealing with the worst, (though not to downplay their issues either!)

OP posts:
IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 22/12/2018 13:03

No. He's not entitled to forget his family and have a blow out. Hmm
Why shouldn't she seek support from her partner, it's not like she's nagging him to go home early or anything like that.

Ellisandra · 22/12/2018 13:05

Their fertility issues don’t sound catastrophic if she’s at home with their children!

TBH, I’m a bit Hmm at your comment that she’s a “well provided for” SAHM. And that is relevant how, exactly? Do you ever call him a “well supported and enabled WOHP”? It does come across like you have a bit of an attitude about her.

Mainly though, you have no idea what goes on in someone else’s marriage. Maybe she’s an arse interrupting his rare night out. Maybe she’s fucking fed up with him over a million other things.

I’d say this is not your one to judge can and to keep your beak out!

Jaxtellerswife · 22/12/2018 13:06

My partner would want to know if I was upset and vice Versa.

Limensoda · 22/12/2018 13:09

I agree. Your SIL could wait until he's home. It's not urgent.

3WildOnes · 22/12/2018 13:10

If my husband only went out every few months I would think it could wait. Me and my husband both go out more regularly than that. And I think everyone deserves the occasional night off where they can forget their responsibilities.

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/12/2018 13:11

It could have waited until the next day especially as it's not a new development.

Cherries101 · 22/12/2018 13:12

I disagree. The healthiest relationships have open lines of communication no matter what the other person is doing and with infertility issues you are encouraged not to bottle things up. I’ve texted my dh when we are both at work when things get too much and he’ll always find time to reply.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/12/2018 13:12

Same as Jaxtellerswife. Likewise, if I was out and DH was upset about something I'd much rather he let me know.

Celebelly · 22/12/2018 13:13

Yeah I do think it's a bit off if he's out for a special event. Obviously if it was something major or it had been really bad news, that's different, but otherwise I'd just wait till he came home/the next day as there would be no point in him being worried about it, especially as there's nothing that can really be done. I'm perfectly able to be a bit sad on my own or seek support from friends/family for a few hours on the relatively rare occasion my partner is out at a social event without me.

SweetheartNeckline · 22/12/2018 13:14

My DH would want to know. When I take DC to the GP or visit the midwife I text him straight away even if it's just a check up. Presumably they've been waiting for these results as a couple and he is actually keen to know?! My DH would also usually offer to come home but I'd encourage him to stay out unless I needed him.

blackteasplease · 22/12/2018 13:15

I wondered if "well provided for" was at all relevant.

Tbh real life carries on regardless of drinking dos. Not bothering him with it is treating him like child.

CoughLaughFart · 22/12/2018 13:15

No. He's not entitled to forget his family and have a blow out. Hmm

Jesus tapdancing Christ, it’s one night out. He hasn’t stuck her in a nunnery and sold the kids into slavery.

Mushroomsarehorrible · 22/12/2018 13:16

Yanbu

Your sil sounds pretty selfish to me and as you say, it smacks of attention seeking. I want my DH to enjoy himself when he is out with friends, I would only bother him with an emergency. Sounds like she is resentful of him being out without her

BottleOfJameson · 22/12/2018 13:19

I agree with PP that her being a SAHM is hardly relevant - if anything it means he gets to go out to work and forget these issues everyday while she's at home with the kids worrying about it.

As to the actual issue it really depends on the personalities involved. If she's not desperately upset and he's likely to be stressed out by her texts and not enjoy the evening then yes I think she should have waited. If he's able to send her a supportive text then get on with his day out I don't see the issue.

Ellisandra · 22/12/2018 13:20

She’s not just seeking support about the letter though. She’s complaining about being at home with kids whilst he’s out having fun.

All OP has is a brief widow on someone else’s domestic.

She might be a total dick who never lets him enjoy a deserved break.

Or she may be at the end of her tether always stuck with the kids whether he’s home or not, in a family where people that as a “well provided for SAHM” Hmm she should just suck it up. (I’ve no axe to grind - have never been a SAHM!)

OP can’t posdinly know the details of their relationships from both sides, so I find it a bit off to bitch about her on here.

Before I divorced, in isolation, some of my texts to my now XH would make me look ‘at fault’ but were just the culmination of years of tosserism from him 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheBigBangRocks · 22/12/2018 13:21

I think it's selfish, it would have to be an emergency for me to contact DH and vice versa if out on a special event.

She's got all day every day to enjoy herself and do as she pleases yet wants to put a dampener on his first night out in months. She could always return to work if she's jealous of his social occasion with colleagues.

BirdieInTheHand · 22/12/2018 13:21

If this isn't a wind up perhaps consider why you are being such a bitch?

Dig at SAHM status - check
Dig at "well provided for" - check
Dig at fertility status "not being worst" - check
Total dismissal of SIL natural disappointment and distress - check

God only knows why your SIL has come to you - I hope she has much better support available to her Shock Hmm

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/12/2018 13:21

Yanbu.

It would have been the kind thing not to worry him. It’s not new, and he’s not out for long.

WolfhoundsofLove · 22/12/2018 13:23

I think you should mind your own business.

theredjellybean · 22/12/2018 13:23

"Jesus tapdancing Christ, it’s one night out. He hasn’t stuck her in a nunnery and sold the kids into slavery."

this x 1000

nothing new or catostrophic
he is having some down time
i can see the responses now is it was a woman who had gone on the beloved mn 'spa day' and her dh was texting her he had had letter about something and was feeling upset....

line of communication is important but so is respecting your partner is an adult and an individual who needs to have a separate identity from yourself and is not solely there to ensure you are 100% happy, supported, protected from life's little unpleasantness all the time

scrivette · 22/12/2018 13:24

I wouldn't bother DH with something like that, it could wait until morning or until he got home. However, I know plenty of people (both SAHP and WOTH parents) who would.

bridezilla1 · 22/12/2018 13:27

He is only able to "work hard" which I assume you mean work long hours, because she is staying at home with the children, his children who he is supporting not just her. It is a partnership so completely not relevant to the question and just sounds bitchy.

In relation to the actual question, my DC has health issues and we receive letters after each appointment detailing things that were said, next steps etc. Despite the fact it isn't new information it still often hurts and can be upsetting reading it in their medical terms. I don't think she is unreasonable to ask him for a bit of support as it sounds like she gets little if he is out working a lot of the time.

chillpizza · 22/12/2018 13:28

Well it’s only 1pm and he left today so I doubt it’s affecting his day and night out drinking as surely not much drinking will of happened yet. He can comfort her via text then get off with his night out. Job done they are a couple they share things. You don’t sound like you like her very much.

Vampiratequeen · 22/12/2018 13:28

It doesn't matter how well provided for she is, what matters is does SHE ever get a night off? When he isn't at work dies he help her with the children and housework or does he get home and sit doing nothing saying I have been at work all day? If he does help out and she gets days/nights off then she IBU. If he does nothing to help at home or with the children the she INBU.

chillpizza · 22/12/2018 13:29

It’s works hard also code for never really home and when he is, is no help really?

All the money in the world being provided for doesn’t make up for a partner that’s not there emotionally and actually helping.