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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should leave your DH alone when he's out having fun!?

100 replies

HoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 22/12/2018 13:00

BIL is out for his Xmas 'do. He works hard , goes out every few months and SIL is a SAHM well provided for. So today he has left for a xmas day and night drinking with colleagues. SIL visits after he has left and has letters with her to open. Letters are confirming the operation she just had (fertility issues) and the next steps. So she's texting him now because she feels rubbish due to these letters. She shows me the letters, there is nothing new in these letters.

AIBU to think it's just attention seeking and guilt tripping him for her to message him that she is 'upset and on her own with their children while he is out having fun? I think that he is entitled to have a blow out and forget about these issues for a day?

I'm not unsympathetic to the issues at all but just think it's ok to be upset and tell your DH later when he is not out trying to enjoy himself. FWIW, there are still lots of options available to them in regards to fertility so it's not that they are dealing with the worst, (though not to downplay their issues either!)

OP posts:

CoughLaughFart · 22/12/2018 17:37

Going on an all day bender preplanned to go on into the night and starting well before lunch time, on the Saturday before Christmas, with work colleagues? Not odd? Even for a married parent? Bloody odd in in world, thankfully! Who spends that number of hours drinking with work colleagues on the Saturday before Christmas?

Why do you keep saying ‘work colleagues’ in a tone that suggests this is akin to going drinking with complete strangers, or grabbing a bottle of meths and settling down with the tramps under a bridge? I’m good friends with my work colleagues. We go out on a social basis quite regularly. None of their partners have spontaneously combusted. Occasionally they even join us.

Purpleartichoke · 22/12/2018 17:45

Why are people so obsessed with marathon drinking binges? What makes that outing so important or special?

A person was upset and contacted their spouse for support. Seems reasonable to me.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 22/12/2018 17:57

Who said it was a drinking binge? My DH went out for an afternoon (after work) and into the evening with work colleagues for Christmas. He got home around 11pm and although was probably over the limit to drive (which he wasn’t) he certainly wasn’t “drunk”. They had a small lunch, went on an “experience” (escape room thing) then onto a gastro pub where they had more food and a few drinks. Not once during the day did I feel the need to contact him but he did text me when he was on the train so I knew when he’d be home.

blueskiesandforests · 22/12/2018 18:02

CoughLaughFart because going on an all day and into the night bender with your colleagues is unprofessional.

Additionally you've spent Monday to Friday with them - why on earth not spend Saturday with someone else? Especially when your spouse is home with your young children Monday to Friday while you're with those same colleagues all day.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 22/12/2018 18:21

You sound like a fucking nightmare op. Get your nosey beak out of your brothers marriage.

Elphie54 · 22/12/2018 18:38

I personally would not have opened such sensitive letters without my partner there, especially if I thought they could make me upset.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 18:40

I personally would not have opened such sensitive letters without my partner there, especially if I thought they could make me upset

How would you know what they are until you opened them?

RedPanda2 · 22/12/2018 19:00

I can't abide partners that can't leave each other alone when out with friends. I can understand the odd text but to take his attention away is ridiculous and jealous behaviour. It's one fucking night!

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 22/12/2018 19:13

Some couples like to be in regular contact. It doesn't necessarily mean controlling or manipulative behaviour. My DH is out tonight and we've already exchanged a couple of texts - just general conversation but it nice and part of how we are as a couple.

Elphie54 · 22/12/2018 19:14

“How would you know what they are until you opened them?“

Letters or bills coming from a medical
Office would be a huge clue, especially if going through a medical issue.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 19:16

Letters or bills coming from a medical
Office would be a huge clue, especially if going through a medical issue

Any medical letter I’ve ever had literally comes in a white envelope. Nothing to indicate what it is until opened.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/12/2018 19:23

I leave my DP if he is on a night out which is rare for him. I enjoy the peace.
Some couples are needy others not so I wouldn't interfere in their relationship.

CoughLaughFart · 22/12/2018 19:32

because going on an all day and into the night bender with your colleagues is unprofessional.

If you’ve blocked your work diaries out with meetings but actually gone to the pub, then yes, it’s unprofessional. If you’re adult friends who happen to work together choosing to spend time together, it’s fine and you should take the stick out.

Additionally you've spent Monday to Friday with them - why on earth not spend Saturday with someone else?

No one is forcing him to spend time with them. Presumably he likes them?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 22/12/2018 19:32

It's not needy - that has very negative connotations. Needy suggests someone needing reassurance and attention. It can just been pure pleasure from conversing with someone. In our case it's always spontaneous and an extension to our conversations at home.....sometimes it can be fairly regular where as other times it might just be a text to say you're on your way home.

CoughLaughFart · 22/12/2018 19:33

How would you know what they are until you opened them?

Why did she take them to her sister/in/law’s house to open them in the first place?

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 19:35

Why did she take them to her sister/in/law’s house to open them in the first place?

Meh. I’m not her so I don’t know. I have however taken mail with me to my parents because I happened to run into the postman when going out to the car. Or not had chance to read so grabbed from the letterbox on the way out.

Surely any number of reasons!

CoughLaughFart · 22/12/2018 19:37

Yeah - one of them being she knew what was coming and fancied an audience.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 19:38

Yeah - one of them being she knew what was coming and fancied an audience

Goodness I’d do the lottery if I were you.

I actually had no idea I would get fertility results through the post. I presumed the appointment we had would cover that.

Myheartbelongsto · 22/12/2018 19:42

I aģree, smacks of attention seeking.

My boyfriend would never text me on a night out, nor me him.

I'm robbing Jesus tapdancing Christ!

blueskiesandforests · 22/12/2018 20:19

CoughLaughFart Monday to Friday with colleagues while spouse stays at home and looks after the kids, all day the Saturday before Christmas drinking with colleagues while spouse looks after the kids, on into Saturday night drinking with colleagues while spouse looks after the kids - yes, clearly he likes his colleagues - his spouse and kids not so much, presumably [santa]

However as the OP is a plopper therw is no point sparing any more thought for the imaginary scenario.

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 22/12/2018 20:23

At no point does the OP suggest BIL was unhappy with this contact. It's a bit strange OP is so invested in this

Why have you started a whole thread about a non-issue? About another woman who's upset contacting their husband, it's purely to bitch about SIL.

Personally, if my DP was upset about something and texted me on my night out I wouldn't mind, I would happily reply. It takes 30 seconds to send a text. BIL might feel the same.

Also I am childless, living in city centre and tbh I only go on a night out every couple of months! It's hardly like he's deprived. I think ive had one day this year where ive started celebrations at lunch and carried onto the evening, this is entirely through choice, every couple of months sounda a perfevtly normal bight our schedule. It's not like a night out is this godly time, you can have a night out have fun and still think about your family.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 22/12/2018 20:25

YANBU. When my husband is out with friends I only text him for a major development or if he needs something. E.g. I called him on his work Xmas do yesterday to tell him our harmony screening test for our unborn came back with good results and to tell him he was having a daughter. I wouldn't have called him to say I was worried about the test as we had been waiting for results for 5 days.
He often comments and says thank you for letting him enjoy himself when out with friends, as some of his friends wives or girlfriends will call and text regularly and then get angry when they don't reply. I just don't get it.

CoughLaughFart · 22/12/2018 20:28

Goodness I’d do the lottery if I were you.

Or look at the return address on the back of the letter.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 20:31

Or look at the return address on the back of the letter

Because of course all medical letters have those 🙄. As I said earlier anything medical I receive comes in literally a white envelope. No distinguishing marks.

So yes, she may have been attention seeking. Or she may not. You seem bizarrely sure - do you find thinking about different scenarios tough?

CoughLaughFart · 22/12/2018 20:37

*Because of course all medical letters have those 🙄. As I said earlier anything medical I receive comes in literally a white envelope. No distinguishing marks.

So yes, she may have been attention seeking. Or she may not. You seem bizarrely sure - do you find thinking about different scenarios tough?*

You seem bizarrely sure that any medical letter comes in a plain envelope with no sign of identification, purely on the basis of letters you personally have received. Do YOU find it tough thinking about different scenarios?

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