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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should leave your DH alone when he's out having fun!?

100 replies

HoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 22/12/2018 13:00

BIL is out for his Xmas 'do. He works hard , goes out every few months and SIL is a SAHM well provided for. So today he has left for a xmas day and night drinking with colleagues. SIL visits after he has left and has letters with her to open. Letters are confirming the operation she just had (fertility issues) and the next steps. So she's texting him now because she feels rubbish due to these letters. She shows me the letters, there is nothing new in these letters.

AIBU to think it's just attention seeking and guilt tripping him for her to message him that she is 'upset and on her own with their children while he is out having fun? I think that he is entitled to have a blow out and forget about these issues for a day?

I'm not unsympathetic to the issues at all but just think it's ok to be upset and tell your DH later when he is not out trying to enjoy himself. FWIW, there are still lots of options available to them in regards to fertility so it's not that they are dealing with the worst, (though not to downplay their issues either!)

OP posts:
Pernickity1 · 22/12/2018 14:10

She's got all day every day to enjoy herself and do as she pleases yet wants to put a dampener on his first night out in months.

Yes. Because being a SAHM is one big party Hmm

I think it’s a little unreasonable of her to tell him when it can wait but maybe they have that sort of relationship where they do this kind of thing? I wouldn’t personally as he might feel obligated to come home now and he shouldn’t have to.

CrookedMe · 22/12/2018 14:14

Me and DH are in pretty much constant text contact: I don't mean every minute, but we'd certainly happily have a text convo while one of us is out.

It sounds like a big deal for them - and honestly, it sounds like you don't like her much. How they conduct their communication is really nothing to do with you.

formerbabe · 22/12/2018 14:19

If it was the woman on the night out and the man texting her whilst she's out to say he's upset, he'd be ripped to shreds.

I agree with you op. It strikes me as manipulative behaviour.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 14:20

If it was the woman on the night out and the man texting her whilst she's out to say he's upset, he'd be ripped to shreds

If it was over the same issues as in the OP, I would still say exactly the same Confused

ChipsAreLife · 22/12/2018 14:21

Everyone is different. I probably wouldn't text DH in those circumstances and would wait. That said I have plenty of great friends and family to prove emotional support instead. Sounds like she may not?

I think life can be tough and draining and personally think everyone is entitled to switch off from their problems for a day on occasion and have a blow out. Unless of course it was an emergency or bad news. It could be just me though!

HolesinTheSoles · 22/12/2018 14:22

If it was the woman on the night out and the man texting her whilst she's out to say he's upset, he'd be ripped to shreds.

Total straw man there. It absolutely depends, if my DH was worried about something I'd be happy for him to text me while I was out. If it was something that was likely to stress me out and ruin my night then yes I'd rather he waits. We don't know what the husband in this case is like - maybe he can happily send her a text and carry on enjoying himself, maybe he can't.

twattymctwatterson · 22/12/2018 14:25

You have no idea what their marriage looks like from the inside and you sound like a misogynist. HTH

OliviaStabler · 22/12/2018 14:27

Jesus tapdancing Christ, it’s one night out. He hasn’t stuck her in a nunnery and sold the kids into slavery.

This ^^

It's one night. I'd let him have a night out and talk about it tomorrow.

grimupnorth1 · 22/12/2018 14:34

I don't think it's really your place to decide what's right for her to text him and when.
I was feeling unwell and a bit down the other night, nothing sinister thankfully and left my DH to his work night out as not to bother him. When I told him when he returned, he said he wished I had let him know as he would have come home early.

Different strokes for different folks and all that.

AGHHHH · 22/12/2018 14:38

Yanbu it could have waited don't ruin the few hours he is out.

brizzledrizzle · 22/12/2018 14:38

I'm not unsympathetic to the issues at all but just think it's ok to be upset and tell your DH later when he is not out trying to enjoy himself. FWIW, there are still lots of options available to them in regards to fertility so it's not that they are dealing with the worst, (though not to downplay their issues either!)

Until you have walked a mile in their shoes try minding your own business.

blueskiesandforests · 22/12/2018 14:39

Why are there so many misogynistic posts on MN now and so many women, and / or people who say they are women, on MN now falling over themselves to be the one shouting loudest about poor men, or trying to insist that reversing the sexes in a situation would give a different set of posts when if all the details remained the same it wouldn't...

Worriedmummybekind · 22/12/2018 14:43

You don’t sound very supportive. To be honest, if you’re a sahm and you are left caring for kids all day sat as well it’s tough. You won’t have friends from work so can lead to feeling isolated. Regardless, it’s not your marriage. Personally I’m not sure what in what planet texting your husband about a medical issue could ever be an issue. He isn’t being told he must come home at once. She is sharing her feelings. I txt my husband about far more frivolous things! Texts are like sending a letter but faster. You aren’t interrupting someone by sending it. If they choose to reply it’s because they want to.

BeanTownNancy · 22/12/2018 14:43

My husband and I always keep in touch on nights out, talk about how our kids are, how the meal is, what we're watching on TV at home, etc. We just like talking to each other and want to know that both people are having a nice evening, it's not a problem, that's just what makes us happy. If one of us was having a bad evening because of the kids, physical health, bad news etc, we would want to know. It wouldn't affect the night out, we wouldn't expect the other person to come home early or anything, but at least we would be prewarned before we got home.

You're not him, you don't know how he is going to feel about it, so it's best to withhold judgement. You do you, and let them do them.

blueskiesandforests · 22/12/2018 14:43

Also the OP, written at lunch time, states "So today he has left for a xmas day and night drinking with colleagues"

That's not a few hours, that's a bloody long binge - with colleagues? A little odd, and definitely not a "few hours"

OhLemons · 22/12/2018 14:44

I wouldn't text or call my husband in a night out unless absolutely necessary but I wouldn't judge anyone that does. What's right for one relationship is wrong for another. MYOB.

jelliebelly · 22/12/2018 14:44

YANBU - it would have waited - what did she want him to do as a result of reading the text? Come home? Call her? Worry all night? He's on a night out let him enjoy himself and deal with it together tomorrow - texts are for time critical messages surely.

Awrite · 22/12/2018 14:46

I'm sure your bil can handle a text or two on a night out without needing your sympathy.

Poor sil, bad news and, well - you.

Hoopaloop · 22/12/2018 14:48

*Also the OP, written at lunch time, states "So today he has left for a xmas day and night drinking with colleagues"

That's not a few hours, that's a bloody long binge - with colleagues? A little odd, and definitely not a "few hours"*

How is it odd?

blueskiesandforests · 22/12/2018 14:54

Hoopaloop how is it odd? Going on an all day bender preplanned to go on into the night and starting well before lunch time, on the Saturday before Christmas, with work colleagues? Not odd? Even for a married parent? Bloody odd in in world, thankfully! Who spends that number of hours drinking with work colleagues on the Saturday before Christmas?

brizzledrizzle · 22/12/2018 15:37

Why are there so many misogynistic posts on MN now and so many women, and / or people who say they are women, on MN now falling over themselves to be the one shouting loudest about poor men,

Answers on a postcard....I can think of one glaringly obvious reason, can you?

It's not Putin

RJnomore1 · 22/12/2018 15:42

If it was me who was out and my dh had a letter that upset him about anything I'd want to know cos I love him.

End of.

Especially if it was early enough I could still be sensible and supportive to him.

Gobblebox · 22/12/2018 15:42

Yanbu. How you sound a bit jealous of her ‘lifestyle’. Sorry

Mumberjack · 22/12/2018 16:09

All she was doing was telling him about the letter, while it may be ‘nothing new’ bad news is still upsetting.

For those saying the SIL is manipulative - a session of boozing loads could affect sperm count slightly, with potential consequences for any treatment within the next 3 months. Maybe she is resentful that while ‘they’ are going through fertility issues, so much falls to the woman and him having a ‘well deserved’ night out could feel like a slap in the face. I say this as someone who struggled with fertility issues in the past. Seeing my DH get drunk despite doctors orders felt so undermining and my response wasn’t exactly Stepford Wife territory.

Oblomov18 · 22/12/2018 16:13

I think it's unfair, when he only goes out occasionally, and she doesn't have anything specific or new to tell him.