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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been so considerate (in my opinion)

96 replies

AutumnFlowers · 22/12/2018 06:57

A small group friends and I decided to try and get concert tickets for next year. Two of us agreed we would get up early and try to get the tickets. One of the girls said that she thinks our top limit should be £50 but when it came down to it the cheapest tickets available were £95 as the cheapest had sold out by the time I managed to get through. The other girl didn't manage to get through at all.

After posting on the group chat that I'd been able to get tickets but they were more expensive but it was those or nothing I gave people a number of options if they wanted the ticket but couldn't pay straight away eg to pay in instalments or if really not possible to let me know and we would see if we could divide the extra bit between us or I can resell. Everyone was really happy other than 1 girl who wanted the £50 limit who didn't acknowledge any of it. I'm very aware that although everyone involved is reasonably financially secure that not everyone wants to spend their money on this sort of thing.

I found it she had called one of the other ladies to say what an awful person I was and that I was embarrassing her and why should she pay. 2 months later having not heard anything from her (or payment) I messaged her and received this big rant about how unfair it was that she had set a limit and I was making her look like a charity case and that none of us should be going.

I really thought I was doing the right thing. I'm angry about it all now and no longer willing to pay the extra £45 which I feel was a goodwill gesture at the time.

AIBU? Would it have been less unfair if I had bought the rest tickets and not her?

OP posts:

HoneysuckIejasmine · 22/12/2018 06:59

Fair enough if she says she isn't prepared to pay that much and therefore doesn't want to go. But she can't say that therefore none of you can.

Sirzy · 22/12/2018 07:00

Doubling the budget will annoy people if they are in a position of having tight finances.

Although it was done with good intention I think you can still accept that it made her feel uncomfy.

hidinginthenightgarden · 22/12/2018 07:01

I think she was telling you that the most you could spend was £50 and you ignored her. Could you not have rung her and explained as you were about to buy them? At least then she could have dropped out.
Did anyone else agree to the £50 limit or just her?

loubluee · 22/12/2018 07:02

I can’t see what she’s ranting about personally. It’s not your fault the price of the tickets! If it was my group of friends I would have been honest and said ‘sorry I can’t afford’. No doubt my friends would have either split the cost between them or said we’ll pay and could you give us a £5/£10 a month to cover it. I wouldn’t have seen it as charity. I would have seen it as my friends helping me out so that I didn’t miss out.

You can’t do right for wrong with some people!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2018 07:03

Yanbu. She was lucky to have options. She should have said no thank you and bowed out leaving you to get a refund/re-sell.

I recently waved off a group of my friends to an expensive event I was invited to but didn’t want to spend that much time/money on. I am a music fan but would be unlikely to spend £95 on a single night. Don’t mind if others do.

Awrite · 22/12/2018 07:04

I suppose you were insensitive. £95 is almost double what you agreed.

She hasn't covered herself in glory either.

She will feel it when you all go off to this concert.

Not handled well all round.

Puggles123 · 22/12/2018 07:04

Sell her ticket.

Huntawaymama · 22/12/2018 07:06

I think she would have been gutted if you'd come on the group chat and said "I've got tickets for us all apart from X as the cheapest they had was £95 and I know you wanted the max to be £50". One of those can't win either way situations but she can't expect the rest of you not to go. Yanbu

Gina2012 · 22/12/2018 07:08

She could have said no when you asked if £95 was too much for her to spend

I expect she got embarrassed and then didn't know what to say and then decided to be nasty about you to hide her own inadequacies

I'd be magnanimous and offer her the ticket at £50

If she continues to kick off about charity I'd sell it for £150 ☺️ And keep the money

WhirlwindHugs · 22/12/2018 07:08

I think yabu. When the tickets were twice her limit you should not have brought one for her.

You have put her in a really shit position.

I sympathise, as I have less money than my friends and they are always promising to do something reasonably priced then adding extra one that makes it way more expensive!

OliviaStabler · 22/12/2018 07:11

Could you not have rung her and explained as you were about to buy them?

There is rarely that opportunity when buying tickets. It is usually buy them or walk away. I bought some the other day and they time your checkout and it expires after a few minutes. No time to call and talk to friends.

I think you did the right thing. You didn't want to leave her out but did have in your head her £50 limit so you gave her a number of options. Sounds to me like she is upset at her financial situation and is taking it out on you.

SnuggyBuggy · 22/12/2018 07:14

It's not your fault she can't afford £95, why should you all have to miss out? She either pays and takes up the ticket or she doesn't and you can pass it on to someone else.

KTheGrey · 22/12/2018 07:22

Sell the ticket. Message her to say you wanted to give her the option but realise it was a mistake. I don't think it calls for an apology as you did what you thought best and she just doesn't agree. Say that you won't include her in future as you can't control the ticketing in these cases, and that as far as saying you're a horrible person, she's out of order and projecting. You meant well, acted generously and kept communications open & civil - all you can do in life & more than she's managed. .Paddington Hard Stare & mic drop.

SexNotJenga · 22/12/2018 07:23

You know that you had no intention of humiliating her, but that is what happened.

If you want to save the friendship (and consider the impact on the entire group if you don't) then

apologise. Just straight up "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I'll listen next time" try to keep it brief
sell her ticket
go to the concert, have a good time, avoid mentioning it in front of the non attendee
arrange something else that is a bit special and affordable asap.

It is absolutely horrible being forced into a position where you have to admit that you cannot afford things that your peers just assume you can.
By offering to pay for her, you were trying to be kind and inclusive, but what it actually did was just emphasise the point that you have more money than her.

Juells · 22/12/2018 07:30

She sounds like hard work. Sell the ticket.

Original poster

AutumnFlowers · 22/12/2018 07:32

@SexNotJenga
Thanks for that. I hadn't seen it that way and that was definitely not how I wanted her to feel.

I'm just not sure it's about the money. Her parents brought her flat and she's in a well paid job.

Thanks for all the replies! I was really struggling to see what I could have done differently

OP posts:

Bungleinthejungle · 22/12/2018 07:39

I think she is being unreasonable. She should have said at the outset, only buy me a ticket it if there's a fifty pound ticket. She can't impose a limit on the rest of you so that you can't go. And it's very passive aggressive to first refuse to even acknowledge you and then to go behind your back and complain about you being an awful person rather than just saying she wasn't going now and could you sell the ticket.

What do your other friends say?

brizzledrizzle · 22/12/2018 07:44

I'd have felt incredibly embarrassed if I was your friend but I can see that you meant well. She was wrong to publicly criticise you like that, she should have just said no thanks and left it at that.

sollyfromsurrey · 22/12/2018 07:48

She should have been clearer and stated that SHE would only go if tickets were under £50. She has no right to dictate what the rest of you do. It's all on her. You acted in good faith.

Bluebonnieblue · 22/12/2018 07:53

She is being unreasonable, petty and rude.

Clare45BST · 22/12/2018 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 22/12/2018 07:57

To be fair it does seem she did make it clear that £50 was her upper limit

HSMMaCM · 22/12/2018 08:06

You would have been criticised for not buying her a ticket too. It's a no win situation. Apologise, ask her if she wants the ticket for £50, otherwise you'll sell it on. She can't tell the rest of you not to go.

Petalflowers · 22/12/2018 08:13

I think you have been fair.

You offered different options, ie. pay in instalments, or if they didn’t want the ticket to resell it.

It’s unfair of her to say that no one should go.

I think you should offer the ticket ap (at full price) one more time, adding that if she doesn’t want it or pay by a certain date, then you will sell it.

I don’t know how many tickets you bought, but that would have been a huge financial outlay for you,

Enjoy the concert.

Cranky17 · 22/12/2018 08:13

I think she should have given you more options, I.e if the ticket price is over 50 I don’t want one.
I think unintentionally you embarrassed her and she feels humiliated

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