To have been so considerate (in my opinion)

[AutumnFlowers]

A small group friends and I decided to try and get concert tickets for next year. Two of us agreed we would get up early and try to get the tickets. One of the girls said that she thinks our top limit should be £50 but when it came down to it the cheapest tickets available were £95 as the cheapest had sold out by the time I managed to get through. The other girl didn't manage to get through at all.

After posting on the group chat that I'd been able to get tickets but they were more expensive but it was those or nothing I gave people a number of options if they wanted the ticket but couldn't pay straight away eg to pay in instalments or if really not possible to let me know and we would see if we could divide the extra bit between us or I can resell. Everyone was really happy other than 1 girl who wanted the £50 limit who didn't acknowledge any of it. I'm very aware that although everyone involved is reasonably financially secure that not everyone wants to spend their money on this sort of thing.

I found it she had called one of the other ladies to say what an awful person I was and that I was embarrassing her and why should she pay. 2 months later having not heard anything from her (or payment) I messaged her and received this big rant about how unfair it was that she had set a limit and I was making her look like a charity case and that none of us should be going.

I really thought I was doing the right thing. I'm angry about it all now and no longer willing to pay the extra £45 which I feel was a goodwill gesture at the time.

AIBU? Would it have been less unfair if I had bought the rest tickets and not her?

Tbh I would be most pissed off with the shit stirring gossiping friend. Somebody told her something in confidence and she ran straight to you with it. I would guess the other friend has reacted as she is because she feels like you are all sitting around gossiping about her and her financial difficulties, hence the not a charity case comment, and she's not wrong. Your other friend is a disgrace. Never tell her anything important op.

She was clear on the limit from the start, so what you should have done is offer the instalment option - which was kind of you , or to resale.

To suggest to split the difference between the rest of you is embarrassing frankly. It doesn't matter if she can afford the high price or not, no one wants to look petty or like a charity case.

Her parents brought her flat and she's in a well paid job. I hate that kind of comments, so what? You don't know all the details and it's very reasonable to put a budget on things. Just because you can afford to pay for something doesn't mean you want to.

You did nothing wrong in the circumstances , OP - when buying in demand tickets, you often only have a split second to decide whether to buy at thst price or lose them. You have been more than accommodating in offering for her to pay in instalments and she was ridiculous in suggesting that nobody else should go. Sounds so remarkably ungrateful for your efforts, but it is usually those who don’t make any effort themselves who criticise the loudest.

She appears to be able to afford it so why should she be embarrassed? The ticket isn't worth that much to her so she should have said "No thanks, not worth that much to me please resell" like an adult. Why would the rest of you miss out? Nothing you could have done differently.

Actually I think she humiliated herself. You’ve done nothing wrong. Fine if £50 was her limit, but it wasn’t yours or anyone else’s. She didn’t make it clear what she expected to happen if cheaper tickets weren’t available and you did a kind thing, got her one and gave her options to try and make it viable for her to pay. She’s had a hissy fit because you didn’t mind read what she wanted, and in doing that humiliated herself and made this bigger than it needed to be all because you and the group could afford more expensive tickets and she doesn’t like that.

I think you are in a situation where had you not got her a ticket, you would still be in the wrong.

Yes, she had a budget in mind but that budget was unrealistic if you weren't able to get the cheap seats.

She could have said prior to booking that it was her max whatever was available and you wouldn't have bought her one. Instead you took the hit for the extra outlay and gave her options to ensure she could still attend.

Apologise to her for unintentionally exceeding her budget but you had wanted to give her the option of going instead of her feeling completely left out.

Sell the ticket on and hopefully once your friend has had some time to think, she will realise you were trying to do a nice thing between you.

That she has a well paid job and her parents bought her flat is neither here nor there. She could still be paying them rent for the flat. They might have bought because she otherwise couldn't afford to leave home and managing the bills etc on her own might take all of her income. She might just be really shit with money or she might have a chip on her shoulder about not being able to do everything her friends do.

But if the friendship is otherwise fine, it's not worth a massive fall out when selling the ticket on means no one is out of pocket (hopefully) and her budget remains unchanged. She might be able to get a single seat cheaper and still go if she doesn't sit with you.

I can see you meant well, that you tried and your friend is overreacting, however, I found myself irritated and twitchy when reading your OP. It was all your options that made me twitch. All you had to do was post "The cheapest was £95, I took a chance and got 4 anyway thinking I can always resell if necessary. Let me know what you want to do." The options showed up your assumptions about the other people.

You ignored her ,I wouldn't be best pleased in her shoes either.you should of asked everyone what their limit was before hand..you have been unfair

I think it was the fact that you discussed in a group about basically subsidising her.
People are (over) sensitive about these things. You don’t know what else is going on I. Her life; struggling to pay for Xmas etc.
FWIW, OP, I think you did a nice thing. The only thing which could have been handled differently was the offering to subsidise her. However hindsight is a wonderful;thing.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t
I would ask another friend to talk to her once this has all calmed down in the new year.
I think your friend was very rude & ungracious behind your back. But she was probably trying to save face // justify it to herself....

I would have done exactly the same thing. You have to make a split second choice and everyone else was happy with your decision.

I think you just need to say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry, I had to make a split second decision, I had not intention of putting you in an awkward situation but do you want the ticket or not?'

ie put up or shut up.

Well, you said you were happy to resell if people didn't want the tickets, so she should have replied straight away to say sorry, she didn't want the ticket at that price and didn't want to abuse the generosity of her friends, but thanks for trying, anyway. Of course you should all have been more clear about whether the £50 limit was an absolute limit, or just the agreed price if you managed to get on when those tickets were still available, and she is probably upset because to her mind, that was what had been agreed, but I really don't have much sympathy for sulkers. I would apologise for the misunderstanding, but would frankly also expect an apology for her astonishingly childish reaction. She has no right to say nobody is allowed to go to the concert unless the tickets cost no more than £50.

and that none of us should be going.

She doesn't get to dictate that. Sell her ticket and go without her.

At some point everyone in my friend group has had the "won't be able to afford it" moment. Depending on the concert, the ticket either gets offered to someone else or we chip in and pay it as a Christmas or birthday present.

I agree with PP on this one. I can see that you were trying to do something nice, but people can be incredibly sensitive where money is concerned. I would contact your friend privately, apologise if you have unintentionally upset her, and ask her what you can do now to make things right.

Don't beat yourself up though OP, you were coming from a good place

When the tickets were twice her limit you should not have brought one for her. But that's also not right, is it?

I think it was a bit shortsighted to not look at prices and say to everyone, prior to going "if the 50pound tickets are sold out, are you happy to go to 95 for the next ones"

Doesn't sound well planed.

Her parents brought her flat

Could she be jealous that you all can afford it? She seems very entitled.

You got the best option you could.
She can choose if you wants to go, or resell.
YANBU

Fine if £50 was her limit, but it wasn’t yours or anyone else’s. But we have no idea how many of the others have just swallowed the cost for the sake of it.

At times I would find it hard to go from 50 to 95. But I wouldn't have said anything and just wore it, for the sake of keeping face, and enjoying the night with friends.

She IBU. All she had to do was say straightaway that she wasn't going to pay the higher price and wish you all a good time. No big deal.

Thanks for everyone's opinions and advice!

I've messaged her and apologised is she felt that I had ignored her but that I took a chance and bought the tickets given there wasn't much time to decide and if that of course we would love her to be there but that i can easily resell the ticket.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off!!

If she says she only wants to pay £50, tell her no, you need the full £95.

And don't give her the ticket until she has transferred the £95 across to your accounts.

Have the others everyone to transfer the money.

Too many threads where people have failed or delayed to pay what they owe.

The thing is the group set a limit. Which if I read correctly was a musketeer decision, one for all and all for one. The limit was £50 and if more you were not to buy for the group. But you ignored that, not just by a bit but by nearly 100%.

You were completely in the wrong and should have put your hands up and apologised. Then asked them what they wanted to do as a group. But of course by then the situation had changed and you had tickets so the original decision was in any case undermined. This became your decision and your judgement on what they should pay. A classic power play and you could look like you actively undermined the collective decision and put yourself in charge. Maybe you are controlling. The comment about the house purchase implies you are judgemental and had in any case decided she could afford it.

If I had to call this situation, you are butting heads with her over control of the group. She made the first move by setting the limit, then you pushed in with the purchase undermining that decision. But in a “considerate” way.

Maybe you don’t realise it but you are a player in a power game. But I think you do know it.

Could she be jealous that you all can afford it? She seems very entitled.

no she doesn't but you seem jealous and like you are projecting your own feelings of inadequacy.

@Thentherewascake

You think someone who tells a group of people that they shouldn't go to an event just because she personally isn't willing to spend £50 isn't entitled?

You're probably just as entitled as she is and projecting those feelings here.

Learn what entitled means before posting on a grown-ups website, dear.

@LemonTT
You haven't read correctly I'm afraid. No one else had spoken about a limit which was not very organised of us but it is most definitely not a power struggle or jealousy.