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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting accused of things by bf

125 replies

Puptup123 · 21/12/2018 08:25

apologise for long thread
My BF and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we are 20 so work part time whilst studying. We have the same job as this is were we met. He accuses me 24/7 of flirting with other people I don’t even talk to (no exaggeration) even when he’s off I get abusive messages calling me a disgrace and a whore/tramp. It is my fault when someone looks at me also and he argues 24/7. I know in my head I don’t flirt with people or even talk to them. It’s getting to the point I have to walk with my head down so no one says hello to me just so he isn’t mad at me. But even still he will be for some reason and I believe I am going crazy. He says I look a mess in my work clothes because they are tight, I crave attention, or I look like a whore l. (I work in McDonald’s so have to wear a uniform). If I put some make up on and have my hair down and nice he would be in a bad mood that day. He even said if I got raped it would be my fault basically and I want it🤢.

I am a student nurse and I just feel I can’t cope with the stress anymore. We try to talk about it but when I make valid points he will block my number or hang up on me? But will call me back to scream more when he’s ready. I just feel lost and trapped. My parents hate him but I just can’t seem to let go.

Anyone able to give me advice on what to do/say? I’m going crazy

OP posts:

LadyFairfaxSake · 21/12/2018 11:15

Bin him off. Walk away. Don't look back. Reward yourself for a job well done.

Littleraindrop15 · 21/12/2018 11:19

You are a Student nurse these are signs of emotional abuse get some help from friends and uni to leave him.

It will only get worse one day it will escalate to domestic violence he is a gaslighting prick.

Leave him and don't look back

Pachyderm1 · 21/12/2018 11:22

Oh my god, leave him. You’re 20!! Are you really willing to waste another second of your life with someone who treats you this way? Please just ditch him, do it right now, you will never look back.

dentydown · 21/12/2018 11:27

I had exactly the same boyfriend when i was 19/20 he had a weird control over me (well he was going to petrol bomb my house if I left him and I believed him).
If I wore a skirt (down to my ankles) I wanted sex. In the end I wore leggings, body suit, jeans -10 sizes too big done up with a tight belt (to stop people getting their hands down my trousers) and two big baggy T-shirts one tucked in, one over to hide my figure.
This still didn’t stop the abuse. He still tried to sexually assault me to “prove” men could have sex with me the way I dressed.
In the end he moved away and nwanted me to follow him. I wouldn’t.

Get rid now. Get an escape plan. Start saving for a place of your own in a secret bank account if necessary. I lost the fun part of my 20s going out with him. You shouldn’t.

CaptainsYuleLog · 21/12/2018 11:29

Just dump him. He's a prick.

LordPickle · 21/12/2018 11:39

What you have described is a highly toxic relationship. Read back what you have written and think of the advice you would give someone who wrote that. You'd tell them they are obviously being emotionally and mentally abused and to get out of the relationship immediately.

Obviously you know it's wrong to live in fear of upsetting your BF. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? I'm betting the answer is no. So don't waste another day with this douchebag.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/12/2018 11:42

This bloke is a person with some serious problems and they are not of your making.

His behaviour towards you is coming from a position of weakness and the only way he can feel strong is to inflict pain and insecurity on you. The longer this goes on the weaker and less self-confident you are likely to feel. It's a bit like Stockholm syndrome, he's binding you to him because he's trying to make you feel that no-one else will ever want you because you are worthless. But that's wrong: he's the one who is worthless. And he's also a danger to you, both mentally and physically. He's been training you for a long time but I hope the scales have fallen from your eyes now, and you can see a future without this abusive fucker in your life.

If there's any advice or counselling available through your nursing studies, take it. Now.

Make a plan and get rid of him, please!

SingingSands · 21/12/2018 11:42

You say you want to cry out for help. Please do that. Ask your parents to help you, they will want to. Ask your manager to help you transfer to another branch. Ask your course supervisors where you can access help, they will help you.

The more people you talk you about this, the stronger you will become. If you keep on the way you are, you will find yourself in a very dangerous situation with a very dangerous man. But he's a coward. Shout for help, do it loudly, let people know in real life what he's done to you and you won't see him for dust.

Strength to you.

GreenyBlueEyes · 21/12/2018 11:44

Please bite the bullet, end things by message and block. I know it's hard but you've said your studies and career are being compromised with the stress. Don't let him ruin your entire life.

iamaLeafontheWind · 21/12/2018 12:01

It IS happening for a reason, he’s predatory and he’s spotted you.

You’re looking for the way out and the Universe has shown you various ways. But you have take those steps. Things happen for a reason, but you are not passive in this. You have to make the decision to deserve more and the Universe will reward you for getting through it.

posthistoricmonsters · 21/12/2018 12:21

Do you know what the next steps are?

Do you know what happens to many, many women with partners you describe?

Do you know how many are beaten within an inch of their lives and how many are killed?

People commenting have tried to be nice. I'm laying it out differently. Abusers escalate their abuse. Particularly during pregnancy - what if you had kids together? (I'm assuming you don't, unless I've skipped a page I didn't see you mention any).

I was you, I had three abusive relationships in a row and the middle one was like yours.

fadehead · 21/12/2018 12:28

You can just leave. You’ll be fine. No, more than fine...happy! Worse it will get, if you stay with this abusive fuck wit.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/12/2018 12:28

Get rid of him, and protect yourself while doing it, men like this do not like to be dumped or challenged. Put a plan together and work towards getting away. He will never change.
Would you seriously considering marrying someone like him, I doubt it, so move on now quickly and safely.

Sidelook · 21/12/2018 12:39

He is a cunt, get rid of him. Gain back your self respect. Focus on your degree and not him. You can do it.

WTBE · 21/12/2018 12:43

This is horrible

He is a nasty piece of shit OP. In all honesty you need to try and forget your feelings (I know only it was that easy) because realistically where is this going? Because you certainly can't bring a child into this situation (if you want Children) the worse thing you could do is marry this guy and be tied to him. And I wouldn't advise buying a house together. So that leaves him just abusing you, that is no relationship. That's a nightmare.

All the best OP. Hope you get out quickly.

Heatherjayne1972 · 21/12/2018 12:46

Dump this loser pronto

There’s someone out there a million times better

EKGEMS · 21/12/2018 12:58

As a Registered nurse if I had a patient tell me what you posted I'd have no choice but to report them to the police as a victim of DV as I'm mandated to report abuse or neglect or I could be prosecuted and lose my license here in the USA and I suspect the same in the UK.
Get out before he kills you. You deserve so much better.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/12/2018 13:18

Unless he is the manager, I would show your manager the messages and any female supervisors, and let them deal with him. If they don't take it seriously escalate it up through their HR.

Give yourself a decent Xmas present and make the rest of your life how you want it, he is an insecure fuckwit with zero self esteem and self awareness, he is not your problem but he is making it yours.

BlueSuffragette · 21/12/2018 17:33

Just wondering if you have spoken to him since you received all of this advice? I hope you really take the opportunity to move on and free yourself from this bully.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 21/12/2018 17:57

Leave, block and don't become a DV statistic. Seriously.

Keep his texts in case you need a restraining order, ask your folks if they can help you while you get a different job.

It'll be hard at first but after 30 days, you won't long for him, remember how he smelt or anything that makes it seem romantic.

Qcng · 21/12/2018 19:27

I believe everything happens for a reason so what is the reason that’s all

You are being treated badly by a person, because that person is a someone who will treat people badly, that is the reason.

He will treat his next girlfriend badly too.
Just be glad to be out of it when you get out of it.

It's nothing you've done.

ALongHardWinter · 21/12/2018 19:40

OMG please dump him. If you had a daughter,or a friend who told you that their partner treated them like this,what would you think?

Zwischenwasser · 21/12/2018 19:41

i believe everything happens for a reason

But that’s just a belief. Your belief. It’s wrong. Sometimes shit just happens. You can stay and accept the shit or you can walk away.

If you HAVE to have a reason. It’s simple.

He’s broken.

You cannot fix it.

Bin him and move on.

sackrifice · 21/12/2018 20:00

Like I believe everything happens for a reason so what is the reason that’s all. Not as in I’m the only person who goes through it because I’m certainly not.

The reason is because he is an abusive piece of shit.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/12/2018 20:39

Reason is that some people are abusers and sometimes we make mistakes when choosing partners. Does not mean you will have to keep enduring the mistake. Maybe the reason is that you can appreciate a decent boyfriend next?

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