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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting accused of things by bf

125 replies

Puptup123 · 21/12/2018 08:25

apologise for long thread
My BF and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we are 20 so work part time whilst studying. We have the same job as this is were we met. He accuses me 24/7 of flirting with other people I don’t even talk to (no exaggeration) even when he’s off I get abusive messages calling me a disgrace and a whore/tramp. It is my fault when someone looks at me also and he argues 24/7. I know in my head I don’t flirt with people or even talk to them. It’s getting to the point I have to walk with my head down so no one says hello to me just so he isn’t mad at me. But even still he will be for some reason and I believe I am going crazy. He says I look a mess in my work clothes because they are tight, I crave attention, or I look like a whore l. (I work in McDonald’s so have to wear a uniform). If I put some make up on and have my hair down and nice he would be in a bad mood that day. He even said if I got raped it would be my fault basically and I want it🤢.

I am a student nurse and I just feel I can’t cope with the stress anymore. We try to talk about it but when I make valid points he will block my number or hang up on me? But will call me back to scream more when he’s ready. I just feel lost and trapped. My parents hate him but I just can’t seem to let go.

Anyone able to give me advice on what to do/say? I’m going crazy

OP posts:
room32 · 21/12/2018 09:54

OP, you need to get out of this relationship, you deserve so much better, you know that. It won't be easy but you can do it. It's actually good that your parents hate him - are you able to confide in them and ask for their support (practical and emotional)? You need to get this man 100% out of your life, he is a dangerous bully.

It is a problem that you work with him - in an ideal world you should be able to report this to management and they should fire him, but unfortunately that's not how it always works. Start looking for another job now as the first step to leaving him. Don't tell him what you are doing, just find something and go. You will look back and be so glad you got out, I promise.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2018 09:54

You need to leave him
Have a happier new year without him

Bliss3333 · 21/12/2018 09:54

This will not get better. You need to take care of yourself.
My sister was married to someone just like this and it took her years to escape. Now she is happily married to someone wonderful. Don't despair.

Sonders · 21/12/2018 09:56

I was in a relationship like this from 16-18. Most people think of abusive relationships being between two long-married middle-aged people, and I did too - so like you I thought my relationship was wrong because I was guilty of these horrid things.

Abusive middle-aged men were once abusive teenage boys and 20 year-olds. I didn't realise until maybe a decade later how wrong that relationship was, but it seems like you're getting there much quicker which is amazing. Get rid - it'll hurt like hell for a while but when you're 30 and an amazing nurse, you can look back and realise how strong you were to get out and move on.

Miffymeow · 21/12/2018 09:58

I was in a relationship like this. I looked it up and found it often leads to physical abuse too. A few months later he started pulling my hair out and pushing me over in the street. Eventually he violently raped me.

Get out, get out, get out.

I really wish I had. He has done a lot of damage to me, but now I am in a loving caring equal relationship with a man who truly loves me for everything that I am, and everything that I'm not. He takes me at face value, appreciates me, and is my partner in life and my best friend.

I know it seems impossible at the time, but tell your parents so that they know the situation, and get out asap. Even if it doesn't escalate further, this is already extreme emotional abuse.

BlueSuffragette · 21/12/2018 10:00

Do you think your parents would be delighted to know you've dumped him? They could offer you so much support. Give yourself and them a wonderful start to a new year and dump him. Text dump him then block. Get new p/t job (or ask managers at McDonald's to keep you on different shifts until you do). This is not your fault, nothing to do with deserving it, he's just an abusive cowardly bully. Parents and siblings of yours could help you once they know the truth.

ilovesooty · 21/12/2018 10:02

End the relationship. If he says anything to threaten you at work report him.

nooddsocksforme · 21/12/2018 10:04

This sounds like pathological jealousy which will get worse and potentially lead to physical violence which can be extreme. It is fuelled by his insecurity and not by you -so you can’t fix it . I have never told anyone to leave a relationship because that’s not my decision to ,aid for anyone but you will be miserable If you stay and possibly putting yourself into a dangerous situation.

blackteasplease · 21/12/2018 10:05

Dump him. And just feel hapoy you don't live with him, have kids with him or financial ties.

ChocolateCoins567 · 21/12/2018 10:06

OP you're a student nurse which means you're clever (the requirements aren't easy), kind and focused. You deserve so much more than this prick emotionally abusing you.

You are not a slut. He is a twat.
You are not a whore. He is a twat.
You do not deserve this. He is a twat.

Can you work at a different McDonalds, change your number and end the relationship?

KatharinaRosalie · 21/12/2018 10:11

OP, I have been married for many years. My DH has never said or done anything to intentionally hurt me. Not once. That's not exceptional, that's normal. Wouldn't you want this instead of a person who does everything to grind you down?

Tighnabruaich · 21/12/2018 10:11

Puptup123 are you listening to what posters are saying? This is not right, and it's not your fault. He's a horrible, controlling bully. Seriously, there's something wrong with him. Why are you putting up with this? You are young, you should be with someone who loves you, cherishes you, supports you. Not this excuse for a man who humiliates, dominates and abuses. You think everything happens for a reason, do you think this is your fate, your future? You are totally miserable, this is no way to live. Please, please get rid of this man - you will be 100% happier.

lborgia · 21/12/2018 10:15

Oh lovey, I'm so sorry it was not clear, but maybe because you're so used to being blamed, but I don't think you're speaking as if it only ever happened to you. What I'm Trying to say is that it can happen to anyone, so DON'T feel as if you've made it happen.

It really is him, not you.

Chloe84 · 21/12/2018 10:19

What is making you stay with him, OP? What are you getting out of this relationship? Might be helpful to do a pros and cons list?

CountessVonBoobs · 21/12/2018 10:20

I think you probably know what you need to do but doing it feels a bit overwhelming. Why not start small?

  1. Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They can offer advice and support. You may not be able to speak to someone straight away but they will do their best to get back to you.
  2. request a meeting with your supervisor at work and tell her your BF is abusive and controlling and you are scared of him. McDonalds is a big company with proper HR and this will not be the first time they have had this issue. They probably have a policy and support for your manager to help you. When I was a retail manager we had a rota for escorting a staff member who was fleeing a violent ex to her car every day and changing her shifts so that he couldn't track her. Let your employer help you.
Flowerpot2005 · 21/12/2018 10:22

Definitely get rid of him.

He's abusive & controlling, you're 20, far too young to be caught in this kind of relationship.

Dump him, wear tighter clothing with a look that says f**k you!

Bluebonnieblue · 21/12/2018 10:27

Literally dump him right now

hipposarerad · 21/12/2018 10:34

It's not you at all. If you get away from him he'll get another girlfriend and do the same to her.

Fadingmemory · 21/12/2018 10:42

Your situation is not your fault. Your doubts and lack of self esteem are due entirely to the abusive, controlling bully with whom you live. You are worth far, far more ie someone who cares, shares and loves you, not a man who saps the joy from your life. You are a student nurse so you know about caring for others. He cares only for himself. Keep his vile messages on your phone & if you have somewhere safe to go, pack a bag. Again, please!!

isseywithcats · 21/12/2018 10:45

run away as fast as you can it will only get worse

Tellem2 · 21/12/2018 11:04

Only a matter of time before he starts to beat you. Run and run away fast.

JoeElliotsMullet · 21/12/2018 11:05

Ok, you say this: You're a horrible person and you're dumped. Don't contact me. It's over. Goodbye.

And then you do this: Walk away. Block his number. Get a different job.

For goodness sake, run for the hills. He's AWFUL.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/12/2018 11:08

Only a matter of time before he starts to beat you - OP has a previous thread and some bruises to show already

loubluee · 21/12/2018 11:11

Please lovely end this now. This is going to get drastically worse quickly. Please, please, please!!

loubluee · 21/12/2018 11:14

You have 4 pages telling you to leave him and PP sharing their experiences. Please listen to the experience and wisdom of people on here.