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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting accused of things by bf

125 replies

Puptup123 · 21/12/2018 08:25

apologise for long thread
My BF and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we are 20 so work part time whilst studying. We have the same job as this is were we met. He accuses me 24/7 of flirting with other people I don’t even talk to (no exaggeration) even when he’s off I get abusive messages calling me a disgrace and a whore/tramp. It is my fault when someone looks at me also and he argues 24/7. I know in my head I don’t flirt with people or even talk to them. It’s getting to the point I have to walk with my head down so no one says hello to me just so he isn’t mad at me. But even still he will be for some reason and I believe I am going crazy. He says I look a mess in my work clothes because they are tight, I crave attention, or I look like a whore l. (I work in McDonald’s so have to wear a uniform). If I put some make up on and have my hair down and nice he would be in a bad mood that day. He even said if I got raped it would be my fault basically and I want it🤢.

I am a student nurse and I just feel I can’t cope with the stress anymore. We try to talk about it but when I make valid points he will block my number or hang up on me? But will call me back to scream more when he’s ready. I just feel lost and trapped. My parents hate him but I just can’t seem to let go.

Anyone able to give me advice on what to do/say? I’m going crazy

OP posts:
steff13 · 21/12/2018 08:37

It will only get worse, and harder to leave the longer you're with him. Leave him now.

Kittenrush · 21/12/2018 08:39

He isn’t going to change if that’s what you’re waiting for. I promise you that. You say you try and get through to him with valid points and he blocks your number, that’s because he doesn’t want to listen to your point of view. He doesn’t care. He has you exactly where he wants you and his behaviour will likely get worse. Is this what you want from your life?

CupoBlood · 21/12/2018 08:41

Please leave him. He will never change. He will only get worse. Go to your parents, tell them and move jobs.

You can do it. You can live a happy life without any fear that he is going to go crazy.

enoughisenough2 · 21/12/2018 08:42

Dump the abusing idiot you’re so young and there’s plenty of fish in the sea concentrate on your course it’s hard as it is you don’t need that extra shit

TheViceOfReason · 21/12/2018 08:44

I really hope this is a fake post as it is so desperately sad that someone values them self so little that will allow them self to be treated like this.

Send him a message telling him never to contact you again and then block his number.

Just do it. There is no fixing or salvaging this "relationship".

AlwaysWantedToBeATenenbaum · 21/12/2018 08:45

He’s emotionally abusing you and trying to bring you down to the point where you will believe exactly what he’s calling you. You’re so young and have a bright future ahead of you it sounds like so get rid of him. You will find someone who’s amazing, just as you deserve. And do not believe what he’s telling you, he’s the one with the problem, not you!!! X

Topseyt · 21/12/2018 08:46

Your parents are absolutely right. Dump him.

jessstan2 · 21/12/2018 08:46

This is dangerous stuff. Please dump him, he is controlling and abusive. He'll go on being like that too and you are worth more.

It's a tragic situation, you are both only 20 and for a chap to be like that at 20 is almost beyond belief! They are usually a bit shy at that age and really chuffed to have a nice girl. However better he shows his true colours now than when you have a ring on your finger.

Get rid of him, try and find another job or at least make sure you aren't working the same shifts - and take care! This man is dangerous.

Flowers
gamerchick · 21/12/2018 08:50

Send him a text and dump the twat. Then tell your parents you've dumped Jim and ask them for help. He's not going to go quietly.

Don't waste your 20s on this arse. Life is better than that.

Bananalanacake · 21/12/2018 08:51

What a nasty piece of shit. There are nice men out there who would love to date you.

mummmy2017 · 21/12/2018 08:54

Most of the time, this is transference...
He is doing all this so thinks you are as well.
He gets his jollys by making you feel bad.
It makes him feel big and clever...
The next step is too get you pregnant and claim you did it on purpose.. So he ties you too this abuse for ever...
Please don't answer the phone...
Text him first, say it is over good bye...
Tell your mum and dad....
Please give yourself freedom as an Xmas gift.

Hollygoverylightly · 21/12/2018 08:54

Leave him right now! Never speak to him again! I spent years justifying things I had never done and it only got worse until it got critical.

whiteworld · 21/12/2018 08:55

He accuses me 24/7 of flirting with other people I don’t even talk to.
I get abusive messages calling me a disgrace and a whore/tramp.
He even said if I got raped it would be my fault basically.

What would you say to a friend who told you any of these?

This would be unacceptable from a stranger. But he's meant to be your partner - he's meant to love you! Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who loves you? No.

Dump him immediately. What a bastard. Tell your friends and family what's been going on so they can help you.

Then do the Freedom Programme or read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?'

vampirethriller · 21/12/2018 08:55

Please leave him! It won't get better. Only worse.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/12/2018 08:55

A partner should make your life more pleasant. Easier. You should feel loved, cared, supported.

You feel anxious and scared, don't you? Dump him. He's abusive. You cannot say or do anything to change that.

WilburforceRaven · 21/12/2018 08:55

He's abusive. You need to 'let go' before he steps up his abuse to the physical and kills you, because that's a reality when you stay with an abusive person. If I were your parent I'd be extremely worried.

violenceagainstwomen

Fadingmemory · 21/12/2018 08:57

What do you fear OP? Being without a man? What do you hope? That he will just stop his controlling & abusive behaviour? Direct your hopes into living an independent, fulfilling life. You are 20. Clearly you are suffering. Do you wish to feel like this for another hour, day, month, year? What would you say to a friend being treated thus? Leave him, he sounds potentially very dangerous. Leaving is hard from emotional, practical & financial points of view but your psychological & physical health are paramount. Can you stay with your family or a friend? Protect yourself, please!

AlphaJuno · 21/12/2018 08:57

Please leave him. Someone like this doesn't deserve you. I was with someone like this for three years who spoke to me discustingly, accuses me of the most insane things and eventually attacked me a couple of times. I kept thinking it would get better and it never did. I eventually broke free but it has taken me a few years to heal from the abusive behaviour and trauma. I've met someone nice who made me realise that I should never have put up with that shit. I was still modifying my behaviour, say if I was talking to a male as was so used to be accused. My new partner however would never do that. A normal person won't.

Please you are young enough and you will meet someone who gives you the respect you deserve. There's a reason your family hate him. Mine hated my ex. I now hate him too but he's the one who lost out.

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/12/2018 08:58

"I just can't seem to let go"

That's because after 2.5 years of this your self esteem is so low you feel you can't.

BUT you CAN. Everyone on MN will tell you that. Your parents will support you in RL.

You have the rest of your life in front of you, and you deserve to be loved and respected; don't spend any more time dealing with this stress.

PixieCutRegret · 21/12/2018 08:58

This is abuse, no two ways about it Sad You are in the prime of your life, dump the twat and start enjoying it.

Quandary2018 · 21/12/2018 09:01

From someone who, at 22, entered a relationship not too dissimilar to the way yours sounds, believe me it will only get worse and you don’t want to be rebuilding your life and self esteem like I am now at 36.
Please, please, end it now and never speak to him again.
He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t care about you and he certainly doesn’t love you.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/12/2018 09:01

Please end it OP.

I was you 30 yrs ago, met my now exh very young, moved in with him, lost all my friends, was constantly accused of cheating, flirting, lying, non of which were true. I grew up thinking this was a normal relationship. It took me 10 yrs to get out. Was an awful abusive situation I thought was the norm.

WildFlower2018 · 21/12/2018 09:02

He's horrible ✅
He's bullying and controlling ✅
He's making you miserable ✅
Your parents hate him ✅

The answer is obvious, dump him!!!!

Iooselipssinkships · 21/12/2018 09:04

I echo previous posters and truly advise that this will only get worse, never better. You need that little light to go on and get the hell out.
That worn down feeling would eventually dissipate and you'll think what the hell was I ever doing with a nasty bully like that.
Staying away is hard but staying is gonna be even harder. There's a reason your parents dislike him.

OrdinarySnowflake · 21/12/2018 09:09

Op I echo everyone else. You are in an abusive relationship. The level of abuse only goes one way, getting worse, it never improves.

This is the best behaviour you'll see from him.

End it. Start 2019 single.