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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting accused of things by bf

125 replies

Puptup123 · 21/12/2018 08:25

apologise for long thread
My BF and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we are 20 so work part time whilst studying. We have the same job as this is were we met. He accuses me 24/7 of flirting with other people I don’t even talk to (no exaggeration) even when he’s off I get abusive messages calling me a disgrace and a whore/tramp. It is my fault when someone looks at me also and he argues 24/7. I know in my head I don’t flirt with people or even talk to them. It’s getting to the point I have to walk with my head down so no one says hello to me just so he isn’t mad at me. But even still he will be for some reason and I believe I am going crazy. He says I look a mess in my work clothes because they are tight, I crave attention, or I look like a whore l. (I work in McDonald’s so have to wear a uniform). If I put some make up on and have my hair down and nice he would be in a bad mood that day. He even said if I got raped it would be my fault basically and I want it🤢.

I am a student nurse and I just feel I can’t cope with the stress anymore. We try to talk about it but when I make valid points he will block my number or hang up on me? But will call me back to scream more when he’s ready. I just feel lost and trapped. My parents hate him but I just can’t seem to let go.

Anyone able to give me advice on what to do/say? I’m going crazy

OP posts:

MaluCachu · 21/12/2018 09:10

Walk away,you deserve so much better

lborgia · 21/12/2018 09:11

Dear OP

I met my ex boyfriend when I was 18.

6 weeks in we had our first row when he criticised me. I almost immediately stopped contradicting him.

At 21 we split up, but I went back within 6 weeks.
At 22 he started hitting me.
At 23 he strangled me till I was unconscious. I left, and went back after 6 months.
At 24 he left me for an 18 year old who got pregnant soon after.

I've never written out the timeline like that but you need to see. What you are experiencing is a first stage. The stages will get more and more violent. It will always be your fault. You will try harder and harder, but nothing will quiet the monster.

At some point you may be murdered, and he will still think it's your fault.

If you can't leave for yourself, please leave for your parents. If, at the moment, you don't think you're important enough to save, do it as a favour to all those who love you and want you safe.

Take care.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/12/2018 09:14

I read your other thread. He hit you, spat in your face and called you a whore. You're still there. Why? Do you think you can change him and he will become a loving boyfriend?

mummmy2017 · 21/12/2018 09:17

I think you will find he is the reason your unhappy...

Piffle11 · 21/12/2018 09:22

You must leave. He will NEVER change and things WILL get worse. I was with someone like this and kept making excuses for him … we've been together so long, he's just insecure, when he's good he's so lovely … I was kidding myself. He started getting controlling - that's what your BF is trying to do, control you - and it was always, 'I'll feel better when we've bought a house together' … we bought a house. Nothing changed. 'I'll feel better when we're engaged' … we got engaged. Nothing changed. 'I'll feel better when we're married' … no you won't. I knew I couldn't be with this man: his behaviour got worse and worse. We would be walking along a road and if a single man walked by us, my BF would be watching me out of the corner of his eye to see if I was looking at the man. He accused me of having an affair with this particular man who we passed on our way to work each day: I was never alone (worked for same company, lived together, never went out as I was always accused of flirting with waiters/bar staff/shop assistants/colleagues) so I don't know when I was having this affair! He would call me horrible names, then when I stood up for myself he would dissolve into tears, saying it was because I 'was too good' for him, and how he always knew he would never be able to keep hold of me. I became an absolute wreck. I would walk along the road with my head down in case I dared catch anyone's eye. I had to wear baggier clothes as he claimed people were looking down my top or looking at my legs. I started turning down invitations with female friends as he was so vile to me after I'd been out, wondering what I'd been up to. Please leave this man. Leaving my ex was the best thing I ever did. There was a campaign about domestic abuse that came out just before I ended the relationship: it had a sort of checklist and at the end it said that if you ticked yes to some of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship (mental and emotional abuse rather than physical). I ticked them all.

EnglishRose13 · 21/12/2018 09:22

My ex was exactly like this. It escalated to physical violence if a man so much as glanced at me. I put up with it for three years.

Dump him. Don't look back.

Piffle11 · 21/12/2018 09:23

And by the way - he started to get physically abusive, throwing things at me, and pushed me over. Kept saying 'have I raised a hand at you? NO!!' because he was pushing me with his arms folded in front of him - sort of barging into me. I knew it wouldn't end well.

0ccamsRazor · 21/12/2018 09:26

Every single person on your thread says dump him, that he is abusive and block him.

How does this make you feel op?

IRanSoFarAway · 21/12/2018 09:30

Agree with others, get rid of him! I had a boyfriend at age 17 to nearly 21. He eventually split with me, I was devastated as I was scared of being on my own. He wasn't abusive but had alcohol issues. Looking back it was the best thing ever to have split up, he wanted to get back together later but I had moved on by then. I was a student nurse then too, honestly once you qualify, the world is your oyster. I've worked abroad, travelled a lot, always been able to work and earn money. You won't look back, he is abusive. Good luck.

IRanSoFarAway · 21/12/2018 09:32

Also you may need to get another part time job but it will be worth it.

G5000 · 21/12/2018 09:34

Why do you feel trapped? You don't have children with him, or joint mortgage. All you need to do is dump and block him. Your parents will fully support you any way you need. Your friends would do, but I'm guessing he has managed to alienate you from most of them. Because they're not good for you and don't understand your special relationship, right?

Raglansleeve · 21/12/2018 09:34

This behaviour is coming from someone who should make you feel loved, make you feel happy and good about yourself. He is supposed to be your boyfriend, someone who thinks you're the bee's knees, beautiful, clever, interesting.

Yet, he obviously makes you feel like shit.

What would you do if another staff member at McDonalds told you that you were a whore and looked a mess? You'd report them, and they'd be sacked. Same will happen when you are working in the NHS, if a colleague told you if you got raped it would be your fault they would be severely disciplined.

Yet you accept it from someone who is supposed to love you.

Get rid of him. Your parents are right to hate him. they love you and don't want you treated in this appalling manner. And before you start seeing anyone else, make sure you look into Women's Aid Freedom programme, and read up on abuse and control in relationships.

You are so young, and you deserve so much more.

Original poster

Puptup123 · 21/12/2018 09:35

Thanks so much for all the kind comments and support I appreciate it all especially those who shared their story. I know I should and I don’t feel like I need a man, I just need someone at all. Every single person I just want to cry out to them and ask for help, even strangers now I just want someone to take all the pain away. He will always find a way to says it’s my fault no matter what there’s no winning. And yes he is a bully, I need to work to get money to fund university but it’s getting to the point I literally ask to leave early so it’s less time getting accused of things but of course he can stay as long as he wants and make all the money he wants. Of course he can afford the newest iPhone and Mac book so close to Christmas, (no I’m not jealous) but it makes me think why why is it happening to me, so I deserve it? Am I this horrible slut he calls me? (Even though he was the first person I was with for anything).

OP posts:

bobstersmum · 21/12/2018 09:41

This will escalate to him murdering you or something op, he sounds totally deranged, what a twat. Block him, keep away and move on.

Slaymill · 21/12/2018 09:42

I had an ex like this you do not need that kind of abuse. Move on to someone who loves and cherishes you. He sadly will move onto the next person and do exactly the same thing.

Read the book The Charm Syndrome.

G5000 · 21/12/2018 09:43

I just want someone to take all the pain away

HE is the one causing the pain. Dump and block.

Wineandrosesagain · 21/12/2018 09:43

So. What are you going to do Op? Without exception you’re being advised to dump him. Are you going to do that?

bobstersmum · 21/12/2018 09:44

Op I've just reread and realised you work with him. Report his behaviour to management.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 21/12/2018 09:45

OP, if your questions are genuine then I strongly advise you to see a counsellor. He has got you doubting yourself and you should really address that so that your next relationship is healthier.

YOU can take the pain away - get rid of him. What you will be sad to lose is the hope of something - not the actual relationship.

I know it is easier said than done, but what about changing where you work? Are in you in a place that has more than one McD's? Could you ask to transfer to the next branch? Or just look around for somewhere else.

If I was in your position, I'd take a deep breath, finish the relationship and start the New Year fresh and with a world of new possibilities. I trust your family will support you.

lborgia · 21/12/2018 09:46

Without wishing to sound rude, you're no different to so many other women. You say why me? It's probably more a case of why not.

All sorts of women end up where you are now. However much some would like to think they wouldn't end up in a DV relationship, these guys exist everywhere.

It's not really to do with you. It's like colliding with a lorry that's on the wrong side of the road. But at least with a lorry you would try and get out of the way.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/12/2018 09:47

He’a horrible and abusive. Tell your parents everything, and dump him. Leave the job, you need a clean break. You can always find another job but you need to be safe and that means no more contact with this vile man.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/12/2018 09:49

Tell your parents. Tell your boss. Say that you have dumped him and need their help to keep you away - abusers often become super nice love bombers when dumped, and will do everything to lure you back in.

Original poster

Puptup123 · 21/12/2018 09:50

The only reason I say why me, in otherwards it has me thinking that it is ME in the wrong. Like I believe everything happens for a reason so what is the reason that’s all. Not as in I’m the only person who goes through it because I’m certainly not.

OP posts:

Eatmycheese · 21/12/2018 09:51

None of this is about you. You could be any woman. It's entirely about him and his abusive, fucked up-ness.

I implore you, as has everybody else here to remove yourself from this toxic, potentially fatal situation. You think it is bad now? This will feel like a walk in the park if you stay.

He is preying on your vulnerabilities and he will manipulate you and ruin your head, your self esteem, your health in every way and definitely your life.

Learn to love and value yourself. He never will.

Suziepoozie · 21/12/2018 09:51

I could have written this four years ago. I work in childcare and was accused of only doing it so I could flirt with the dads. I was miserable, my friends were angry with me but I was too scared to leave because I honestly thought I would never be free

One night I snapped, kicked him out. He bombarded me for months, stalked me for a bit but I never engaged. I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted; I realised I wasn’t a slut or a whore I was just an ordinary woman.

Now I’m in love with someone who loves everything about me, who calls me an idiot when I worry about something stupid, who holds me when I cry.

Your parents don’t like him - will they help you? Can you go stay with them? I think you will get much more support than you think you will. You don’t deserve this life. Break free and find a life that is full of happiness and support rather than accusations and control. You can do this, I promise!!!

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