Dumped by Mum friend due to kids having SEN - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

I have two year old twin boys who are absolutely wonderful. They are affectionate, funny and sweet but they both have difficulties. One has many health issues including a visual impairment and has recently been diagnosed with ASD. His brother is extremely bright but delayed in some areas and it’s looking likely he will be diagnosed with ASD too.

I made a lovely Mum friend about a year ago this year - we hit it off right away and would chat and visit often. She has two children, one is a similar age to my boys and one is younger.

She’s been very quiet recently, I know she’s had some other stuff going on - I’ve been supportive but obviously we haven’t known each other too long so I’ve just offered support whenever she needs it.

I haven’t seen her for a while and I messaged her recently asking if she’d like to meet up. She asked about the boys and I told her about the ASD diagnosis. She said that she doesn’t think we should hang out any more because it’s not good for her children’s development to “be around children who are challenged” (exact quote).

I could understand it if my boys had behavioural issues or were aggressive in some way but they aren’t at all - have never even pushed another child which I think is quite rare for toddlers! They don’t have tantrums or behave in a negative way that other kids could copy. They mainly just keep to themselves when others are around and don’t interact much, but I can’t see how that could be too damaging. When they come round it’s mainly for us to chat and the kids just play and do their own thing.

It has really deeply upset me - i’d rather she said she didn’t like me or some other personal issue with me. The thought that people are already using their difficulties to exclude them is just breaking my heart.

Is she being unreasonable or am I? Obviously I’m not going to stay in touch with her if this is how she feels, I’m just trying to get an unbiased opinion on whether she’s being reasonable here and whether this is just what’s going to keep happening now.

I've had other mums ignore/blank me as I'm a single parent and am therefore not to be trusted

There's a mum at my son's school who, upon finding out I'm currently a sahp to my two young girls and school-aged son, won't talk to me at all. My husband however is apparently worthy of her regard, lol.

She also won't talk to single parents. She's one of those "I'm a holy than thou" types though, so. Everyone else is lovely, which is nice.

2 of my children have ASD, and it means people can be more reticent around you (particularly if they see behavioural issues, which my two have at times). This woman is a total dick and not someone you need in your life. As for not wanting her kid to be around children with Sen? That’s revolting. My middle child is NT, and has buckets of understanding and compassion because she is around two autistic siblings everyday. They enrich all of our lives.

Single Mums just want to have with your husband.
Kids with SEN are contagious.

Surely everyone knows that?

What is bad for her children’s development is having an arsehole of a mother like her. What a shame for them. You on the other hand sound like a lovely mum

I've long held the opinion that the worst thing about asd is a lack of empathy, the lack of empathy in the NT population. It's other people that can make SN so isolating at times. Being an sn parent has given me some insight into the discrimination that other groups have been subjected to, be it racism, homophobia etc.

Things are changing but too slowly, we need a seachange in attitudes like we've enjoyed with lgbt. Such attitudes as the one we see in the op need to be called out and challenged vociferously. I will not be ashamed of my children and the way they interact with the world. I have taught them to be open about their asd because there is a taboo about it that needs dismantling.

I was once pulled aside by a TA at school to tell me in hushed tones that my son had been talking about his autism dx during a class discussion and was I okay with this. It's gutting that I was having to educate someone who is so influential in children's lives. I asked her if we'd be having this discussion if he shared with the class his dx of asthma?

I think if anything it’s beneficial for kids to be around “challenged” (as she put it) kids as it teaches them understanding, empathy, tolerance among lots of other things.

as it teaches them understanding, empathy, tolerance among lots of other things
It also teaches them to see how strong some children are, how everyone has their own talents and abilities, how different can mean at least as good as. It shouldnt just be about them being nice to the poor SEN kids. I want my sons peers to see how flipping awesome he is, not just how to feel empathy for his challenges.

I think many parents in your situation have had similar experiences. My son had ASD as one of his many diagnoses, as well as cognitive learning difficulty and several other problems. None of them were behavioural and he has always been very easy going and amenable. I had a couple of parents who made it very obvious they weren't happy about 'exposing' their children to his difficulties and it really hurt at the time. Looking back, I quickly came to the conclusion that he didn't need bigotry in his life so it was a good decision on their part!

Ironically, last year I saw one of the parents in the local supermarket and asked after her daughter. She told me she had had difficulty at school and with friendships and had recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She then said, 'I'm sorry if it ever came across that I shunned your son!' and then unloaded how isolated she'd felt with the problems her daughter had had. I think realisation, tolerance and acceptance of differences only came when she had experience of it herself.

What an absolute bitch. I would be raging and would let her know about it!

Sorry to hear about this horrible experience with this ‘friend’. I have twin boys with an ASD diagnosis who are the joy of my life. They are also kind, loving and have a great sense of humour ( not just me saying that but also their teachers and friends at school/ home too!).

Yes, there are some learning difficulties but I would be horrified to think that another parent would shun them in such a way just because of their ASD diagnosis.

Unfortunately there are people that have no understanding of autism/ autism spectrum and so just see negative stereotypes.

Hopefully you and your children will meet more open minded and thoughtful friends in the future who accept your children for who they are.

Oh I was ready to come on and say Yabu as I was expecting ou to say your children hit and scream at hers and I was ready to say that Sen can be difficult to deal with and she is just reducing the impact on her children. I have a child with asd and wouldn’t expect people to want to be around them if they got hurt. But after your description I think yanbu at all.
I imagine she has some concerns about her own kids development that she is unfairly blaming your children for. But even if your kids don’t interact much surely hers can still interact with each other when you meet up? And you aren’t spending the bulk of your time together.
She isn’t a very nice woman but take heart that most wont feel the same way. She is likely protecting her own feelings and if her children have delays she has convinced herself that distancing her family from your children will fix things.

I want my sons peers to see how flipping awesome he is, not just how to feel empathy for his challenges

Fabulous! I agree, I don’t think I ever said the opposite! Children who aren’t exposed to such things at home WON’T learn such things though hence why being surrounded by differences teaches people exactly what you’re saying which was all I was advocating. Empathy and understanding are the foundations of this being successful.

How shocking is this thread of all us mum's of children with sen and all the times we have been treated like shit by other people, madness. Just goes to show you ain't on your own. Still shocked at how common it actually is to be treated like that. And with the number of sen and autism on the rise aswell. Some people can just be nasty dicks. Keep ur head high n keep doing the amazing job with your boys. Same for the rest of u mum's on this thread aswell. Our kids are amazing, we are amazing mum's and we can and will do this with or without approval by snotty nasty misunderstood dicks. Seems we all in one way or another have had similar experiences xx

This happened to us. ASC ds said to Mother concerned that he would be the lawyer representing her child. As it is he's doing his masters in Lit.

She is vile.

Sadly, and I speak as a parent of a severely disabled teen, this happens a lot. Society can be horrible at times.

Disbelieved, despite all the people here who’ve experienced similar? It’s lovely that some people think that this is an implausible situation - they must have a better opinion of people than I do these days. I lost a lot of friends years ago when my health deteriorated, and some of them were equally as blatant about it. Now my kids are experiencing the same. It’s bloody painful.

Anyone can search my history and see that I’ve been posting about my twins and their difficulties for many many months. Why would I make this up? Not what I needed today.

But of course some MNers think that anyone who says they have twins is automatically a liar - which is weird because all of my mum friends bar two have twins (thanks to the local twin club). I guess we are all imaginary?!

I am so sorry that so many of you have experienced similar things. Our kids have enough to deal with, without having to deal with so much discrimination. Like all toddlers my boys have their good and bad sides but overall they are lovely to be around (not just my opinion!) - always happy, always smiling (except when film credits end, which is apparently the equivalent of the death of a puppy to them), never nasty or aggressive. And I’m not saying it’s okay to discriminate against ND kids who are aggressive but I can understand that it must be more difficult to maintain friendships if they are violent to others.

Sending to everyone with ND children, and all the kind people who’ve offered me support here. It really is much appreciated.

That Reddit thread has really angered me - as usual it’s the fact I have twins that apparently makes it instantly bullshit. Do people honestly think twins are that rare? They’re not.

Here’s my hallway - my double buggy, and two sets of coats, shoes and hats because, you know, there are two of them. FFS.

I have so many words.
My daughter is on the ASD and has dyspraxia and ADHD. She is an adult now, but still really struggles. I feel your pain.
This woman is a feckless bitch. I would be super sweet and say to her, 'I can understand why you wouldn't want your children to grow up to be thoughtful and considerate towards people that are different. If they had empathy, how would you relate to them as someone who has none?'
You are well shut of her.

@SinkGirl just ignore the negative people. Only someone who has been treated in such a bad way could understand what you have been through. As there is alot of nasty people out there there is also some really lovley people who have or are going through the same thing as you have and them friendships will help you through. You will look back on this one day and laugh at the utter shit personality that your friend had and you will be glad your away from her. It does hurt and it does upset you, but it's that hurt that will make you stronger in the long run. I myself over the years have been in unfortunate situations regarding my son and it's only made me stronger and more willing to fight for my son and his needs and for him to be accepted. From reading other people's experiences on here i guess it's just what happens and it's how you deal with it and move on and use it to make you an even stronger person. Fuck the negative people off they don't matter you and your children do. 💐 wish all you sen mum's a very merry Xmas and all the best for the new year xxx

I opened this thread expecting it to be something like a child with SEN was being violent or really upsetting the other mother’s child each time they met. But no, the other mother is just being a dick.

And for the troll hunters frankly this is a perfectly plausible situation. Some humans get weird and behave that things like SEN and stillbirths and disabilities after car crashes and so forth are somehow contagious if you hang around with those affected. And sometimes it is People who otherwise seem pretty normal until these things crop up.

Thank you both. This year has been so bloody hard - one twin has had so many examinations, tests, assessments, an MRI, fasting tests, and three new diagnoses. He’s had lots of health problems since birth but at the start of this year things seemed to be looking up - then he had a huge regression, then we found out he has a visual impairment that can’t be treated or improved in any way. We’ve been through genetic testing, his brain scan showed brain damage, it’s been fucking awful. Then coming to the realisation that his twin also has social and communication problems and realising I hadn’t noticed how bad it was because we were so focussed on his brother.... it’s just been one thing after another all bloody year and this has really just been the last nail in the coffin of the shitfest that has been 2018.

I have some lovely twin Mum friends who have been so supportive because they understand having two at once, but it’s hard for them to understand having two with SEN and I don’t want to bang on about it all the time and push them away too so I mainly keep it to myself.

Just hoping next year is better!

That Reddit thread has really angered me

Aah but it was started by the fantasist multi birthdayed pretend teacher Mad Maye, pay no attention. She’s the biggest troll on there