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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 20/12/2018 20:43

I can't believe her behaviour! I've never heard of anything like it. I would end the friendship. I feel so sorry for her children.

HollowTalk · 20/12/2018 20:43

I think you should phone the NSPCC. I had to do that once and they took it really seriously. You won't hear what happens afterwards, but they will definitely act on it.

WYP2018 · 20/12/2018 20:47

A lot of people are saying to completely block her from your life, but do you think the kids would be safe? Can you imagine leaving your children with a friend like that for an entire weekend? I really think you need to contact social services with all of the information you’ve posted here. She has effectively abandoned her babies. I am so concerned for them.

Furiousatlife25 · 20/12/2018 20:50

She abandoned her kids for 3 days and didn’t contact you didn’t think to call social or police ?

homeishere · 20/12/2018 20:55

Take them on Saturday and when she’s uncontactabke on Sunday call social services.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 20/12/2018 21:00

Honestly - I'd not only completely end the so-called friendship I'd also be noting concerns with social services that she was apparently happy to abandon her very young children for days on end. She sounds incredibly immature, totally selfish and frankly not fit to be a parent.

Nat6999 · 20/12/2018 21:07

I had a "friend" who used to pull that trick, leave her kids on a play date at mine while she nipped to the shops, then didn't show up again till bedtime. She gave me sob stories about her abusive partner, how he used to control her money, after she had supposedly left him she claimed he had her bank account frozen she asked to borrow £300, she gave me a cheque which bounced several times, I never got my money back. I stopped having anything to do with her, the kids moved on to secondary school & my DS moved to a school nearer home. Earlier this year there was a picture of her in the local paper, she had been found guilty of stealing £48,000 from her eldest son's trust fund that he had been left when his dad died. She is serving 30 months in prison now & she will never regain any trust from him.

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 20/12/2018 22:11

Am I the only one who is thinking you should try and do all you can to maintain a relationship with these kids? You might be the only consistent and caring adult in their lives. Yes please contact SS but don’t stop contact with the kids- they are probably deeply attached to you and your family and will be devastated to lose you.

pennysays · 20/12/2018 22:12

RUN RUN RUN

MissB83 · 20/12/2018 22:15

This whole post makes me so angry (not at you OP, you must be a saint!). I know you have done your best to be a good friend but you're just enabling her to be a poor mother. I am a single mum to a 9mo whose father does absolutely F all to help either of us... and I would NEVER go off and leave my child like this! It's hard work being a single mum but there's no excuse for this type of behaviour. SS must be involved going forwards.

GreenBea · 20/12/2018 22:18

Tell her to Foxtrot Oscar and block and delete her. She is an irresponsible and neglectful CF. It is not your job to facilitate HER social life.

Worsethingshappen · 20/12/2018 22:23

It is obvious that you need to inform social services. These kids are at risk from a mother who behaves like this.

user10001999 · 20/12/2018 22:24

@DBN1
I never said she had children with multiple fathers but clearly she jumps into relationships based on what the op said that her partner left her when pregnant and having 2 very young children and starting a relationship so soon .
I am making a assumption that she will have a baby with the next fella so if it upsets you so much I'll take that bit back . Jeez why get so touchy Hmm

Rosalise · 20/12/2018 22:25

She's not your friend. To her you're "just a mum" because she wants you to be her mum. She needs to grow up and be a mum herself and I think you need to leave her to it.

MuncheysMummy · 20/12/2018 22:27

If you don’t contact social services then you are literally not doing the only thing for those poor children that could help them she REALLY doesn’t deserve them.

sj257 · 20/12/2018 22:33

Massive alarm bells ringing for the kids welfare here. You need to report this. And block her. Poor kids....my youngest is almost 2, can’t imagine leaving him like that, he would be devastated 😞

SugarNyx · 20/12/2018 22:42

Please call social services before you block her, sounds like you’ve protected them from a lot of neglect and no one will be there once you go.

Pernickity1 · 20/12/2018 22:42

My two DDs are similar ages to your friends children and my heart ached for them reading that post. What sort of upbringing are they going to have? Sad

Report her - she is a shit show of a “mother” and will fuck those poor babies futures up if she carries on. You’ve been a very good friend but it’s time to do what’s best for those children not their mother.

CallMeRachel · 20/12/2018 22:42

I've never in my years on MN actually read a post with my jaw hanging wide open and getting wider and wider as I read on!!

You are a saint and have been an absolute gem to her and her girls BUT she sees you as a means to an end, not a friend.

Those kids are at risk imo. This has red flags all over it. New boyfriend on the scene, her spending all weekend in bed with him with absolutely zero regard for her kids or any thought to check on them??

So many child abuse/death cases happen when mother becomes involved heavily and quickly with new man and he doesn't want the kids cockblocking his access to her body so kids get shoved in buggy, bouncer whatever and left for hours neglected.

You owe her nothing, you owe these kids the right to have their voices heard by reporting their mother on their behalf. You're not acting out of spite, purely as a decent human being.

Fatted · 20/12/2018 22:44

Block her and report her to social services for abandoning the kids.

Member869894 · 20/12/2018 22:57

I'm amazed you have to ask!! how stupid can you be?? this is not a friend

Yeahnahyeah · 20/12/2018 22:58

This reply has been deleted

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ilovepinkgin33 · 20/12/2018 22:59

You definitely need to report her to social services as soon as possible, there is always a duty officer working 7 days a week.
You owe it to those little children to report her, who is safeguarding them when they aren't at yours, she literally abandoned them with you to have a 3 day bender with her fella. At the very least a child in need plan needs to be put in place.
Are there concerns about drugs excessive alcohol ?
Keep your call logs and messages as well as proof. She is taking the piss out of you but worst of all she is neglectful to her children

PatchworkElmer · 20/12/2018 23:08

Another one saying this needs reporting. My 2 year old would be heartbroken if I left him like this 💔

hibbledibble · 20/12/2018 23:10

I'm surprised you didnt give up on the friendship a long time ago. It doesn't sound like a friendship at all, just her using you.

Absolutely cut contact, and report her to social services. By constantly babysitting these children, you are enabling her irresponsible behaviour. Ultimately, you are also not responsible for their welfare, but should report your concerns, and leave it to social services to decide how to proceed.

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