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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

advice on how to decline CF

80 replies

justbeginit · 19/12/2018 13:23

Person maybe on here so not going to post too many details.

Single parent with ex 6 hours away
Other parent sends kid round (8yo) and goes out.
Constantly asks favors as they cant figure out some online stuff.
Works constantly and not around for kids.
Is loaded (100k+) but doesn't pay for professional childcare.
When I say No, she questions why as we are about anyway.
Leaves us in the lurch, agrees to babysit then travels for work and doesn't let us know so we have to cancel or rush around to get another babysitter.

I've committed to a few thing over x mas but need to know how to get out of future engagements without ruining the kids friendship?

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 19/12/2018 13:25

That doesn't work for me/bit busy that day/I can't do that

As an aside, what are you getting out of this friendship? Is it worth keeping

WhatsUpHun · 19/12/2018 13:26

Sorry I can't

Or

No that doesn't work for me

heather1 · 19/12/2018 13:26

I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me. And repeat. Good luck. It’s hard to change a dynamic but it can be done. Pick your mantra and stick to it. Just repeat.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/12/2018 13:27

Just say “No, that doesn’t work for us.”

You do not need to justify yourself to this CF!

Original poster
justbeginit · 19/12/2018 13:33

I don't get anything out of. Kids friendship is the main thing I get out of it.
Ive tried the no, sorry we are busy and she's very good at turning it into something else. For example,
Her - can you babysit Tuesday night,
me - No sorry.
Her - oh when can you do, as I have a really big work deadline.
me- I dont know, I can't commit to anything as we are up and down over the next few weeks.
Her - it'll only be a couple of hours, the kids can just play out the back. And your having "child friend 2" on thursday after so they can all play together.

I have a younger kid so am at home a fair bit.

OP posts:
janthea · 19/12/2018 13:34

What's a CF??

BMW6 · 19/12/2018 13:34

I find "no, because I don't want to" says it all. Just keep repeating "I don't want to" if they are rude enough to persist.

Entitled fuckers can get the fuck out of your life OP, no loss to you.

flumpybear · 19/12/2018 13:38

I think you should tell her she needs to get a childcare provider whether that's a paid babysitter or au pair

I'd also say I was happy if this is reciprocated but you always let me down and it's becoming, to be frank, really cheeky

flumpybear · 19/12/2018 13:38

@janthea - cheeky fucker

Phillipa12 · 19/12/2018 13:42

Her, can you babysit tuesday night,
You, no, sorry,
Her, oh, when can you do as i have a big work deadline.
You, ive said no, because i dont want to babysit, your work deadline is not my problem.
Her, well that was rude
You, and so is keeping using me as free childcare........
That should do the trick nicely!

Lunde · 19/12/2018 13:44

Sorry I can't commit to anything. Maybe it would be best to arrange some childcare.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/12/2018 13:50

^ exactly what Phillipa12 said!

ravenmum · 19/12/2018 13:52

You: No
Her: Why not? You are about anyway.
You: Childminding is a paid job for a reason.

If the kids like each other, they'll meet at school / in the park etc. They are unlikely to be bothered by whether their mums get on.

ElspethFlashman · 19/12/2018 13:53

Her - it'll only be a couple of hours, the kids can just play out the back. And your having "child friend 2" on thursday after so they can all play together

Honestly I wouldn't even answer that text. I'd just blank it.

And if she comes back again, I'd just express suprise "oh I thought you got my last text? As I said, no can do, sorry"

paintinmyhairAgain · 19/12/2018 13:54

curious..never heard anyone outside mn say 'it doesn't work for me' Confused, 'sorry, can't do it' plenty of times.

ElspethFlashman · 19/12/2018 13:55

If she pushes it you are going to have to do the whole "I'm not actually a childminder and this is getting really awkward, sorry."

Grace212 · 19/12/2018 13:56

um, that conversation takes a very odd turn

when she says "oh when can you do, as I have a really big work deadline" - surely you say "haven't you sorted out childcare yet?"

This person is clearly very entitled so there may not be a way to get out of it without ruining the DC friendship but I'm afraid that's just the way it's got to be unless you want to keep indulging her.

NonaGrey · 19/12/2018 13:57

You just have to politely say “no, I’m not going to change my mind” and then stick to it.

It will feel hard the first few times but you’ll get better at it and when she realises you are standing firm she’ll find someone else to annoy.

“But you are having x child anyway”
“And having more doesn’t suit me”

Stop telling her about your life and your plans.

You don’t work for her, she can’t demand you do things, say no. Repeatedly, with a smile.

JudasPrudy · 19/12/2018 13:59

'Sorry no, maybe you could find a childminder?'

DarlingNikita · 19/12/2018 13:59

Other parent sends kid round (8yo) and goes out.
Next time, when the kid goes home, go with them and say to the parent 'We will not have your child again if you send them round like this. We'll take them to the police station and say they've been left out of their house.'
Constantly asks favors as they cant figure out some online stuff. 'No, I haven't got time.' Repeat as needed.
Works constantly and not around for kids. Not in itself your business.
Is loaded (100k+) but doesn't pay for professional childcare. See above.
When I say No, she questions why as we are about anyway. 'Because I can't.' Repeat as needed.
Leaves us in the lurch, agrees to babysit then travels for work and doesn't let us know so we have to cancel or rush around to get another babysitter. Stop asking her.

AdamNichol · 19/12/2018 14:00

What's a CF

cheeky fucker

Or rhymes with hunt space, depending on the vocab of your choice.

SummerStrong · 19/12/2018 14:01

You: no
Her: why not? When can you help then?
You: the reason I've said no is because you are relying on me for too much childcare. I cannot be your childcare solution when you are busy at work, you need to pay a professional for childcare.

SassitudeandSparkle · 19/12/2018 14:05

Don't get drawn into making excuses or justifying, a simple 'no' will do the job even if you have to say it repeatedly. If she asks when you are free, say 'I am not' or 'I will not be looking after your child'.

UpstartCrow · 19/12/2018 14:05

She persists because you give in to her in the end. Say 'no', mean it and don't do it.

'No, I'm not negotiating, I'm saying 'no'.
Repeat and do not do the favour.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/12/2018 14:06

What I would do is write out a list of nanny services and babysitting services that work in your area and the next time she asks, say "No, that doesn't work for me so I've prepared a list of suitable childcare providers in the area that may be able to squeeze you in at such short notice. I won't be able to do it." and then hand her the list.

A little bit of leg work (or online browser work) may pay dividends in the long run.

Best of luck!