advice on how to decline CF

[justbeginit]

Person maybe on here so not going to post too many details.

Single parent with ex 6 hours away
Other parent sends kid round (8yo) and goes out.
Constantly asks favors as they cant figure out some online stuff.
Works constantly and not around for kids.
Is loaded (100k+) but doesn't pay for professional childcare.
When I say No, she questions why as we are about anyway.
Leaves us in the lurch, agrees to babysit then travels for work and doesn't let us know so we have to cancel or rush around to get another babysitter.

I've committed to a few thing over x mas but need to know how to get out of future engagements without ruining the kids friendship?

Just say no! Say you have enough on your plate. Suggest she gets childcare sorted to meet whatever her needs are. Tell her in 2019 you are focusing on you and your family. When she can’t use you she will vanish.

I had this situation.

Try ‘very politely’

CF- can they not all just play together?
OP- I’m sorry, (DC) wants a play date with X, it’s rare they get time alone- I’m sure you understand.
CF- ....but (about to launch into some no doubt CF comeback)
OP- ...if you need childcare why don’t you get a sitter, I can ask around for a recommendation? 😬

Which should spell out clearly where you stand - be prepared for CF to get a little shirty as CF’s often do. But imagine politeness like a water pistol putting out there little fire!

If CF is too persistent I’d fall back on (last resort).

OP ‘I can’t really commit as I have too much on and may have to cancel last minute!

Then when she pushes you agree- then go out and don’t be there at the agreed time. Follow it up with a

• oh gosh I forgot- like I said I’m very busy atm. I’m sure you understand - it often happens to you 😬

Don't waffle. Be polite, maybe using some words suggested here that you feel comfortable with. If (or when!) she gets stroppy then it's easy - meet her at the same level - "I don't know how I can make this any clearer. We don't have time or the inclination to be your unpaid childminders any more."

Dear friend, please let me just say no and let that be the end of the conversation.

I like the ‘no can do sorry’ response. Straight to the point. Doesn’t leave open for another suggestion. If she replies ignore. You answered the question. No one should feel harassed into looking after someone else’s child and you do not have to justify it!

Never apologise. Just be assertive and repeat
"No, I'm not doing that"

She's probably on a big salary because she's had plenty of practise at manipulating people at work.
But you're not her employee. You owe her nothing.

When she finally accepts that she can't manipulate you to do her bidding, she'll find some one else. Her sort always does.

Don't feel bad about losing her friendship. She was never your friend to begin with.

She's just a user.

Why can't you just take control of your own life?

I agree with PP SandandSea, get in now with a pre-emptive strike text before she contacts you again saying that whilst you are happy to continue with the sports activity, you cannot do any other childcare going forward. I'm afraid she lis likely to drop you like a hot potato once you are no use to her though.

I’m thinking of becoming a child minder. The money would be useful and I’ve got a fair amount of experience now, can I count on you for a reference?

Her - can you babysit Tuesday night,
me - No I don't do babysitting.
Her - oh when can you do, as I have a really big work deadline.
me- I dont do babysitting.
Her - it'll only be a couple of hours, the kids can just play out the back. And your having "child friend 2" on thursday after so they can all play together.
me- child friend 2 mother is at home and at hand so can be sent home anytime I choose. I don't do babysitting.

Why isn't it possible to tell people like this they're taking the piss, so no?

If they take the hump and never speak to you again then surely that's a good result.

'No' is a complete sentence.

Your kids are old enough to maintain their own friendships, even if that means only seeing each other in school.

You need to say 'No, I don't want to' instead of 'That doesn't work for us'.

She can't argue with that. If she presses further tell her she needs to pay for proper childcare and piss off.

@AdamNichol that gave me a nice cackle

I would text her now OP, whilst you are in the frame of mind, to do so.
Tell her you can no longer do Christmas, as something has cropped up, and that you would appreciate it if she doesn't ask again, as it's not working for you. You hope she understands, because you wouldn't want her to be offended if she asks again, and you refuse.
Just wish her a 'Happy Christmas, and all the best for 2019', job done.
Don't reply to any wheedling. You'll feel empowered, when you assert yourself. You can do this !

I've told you I can't have Jemima, you'll need to make other arrangements.

This. Don't find her alternatives - that isn't your job either.

Keep saying no, she is a user, even delete and block her number as well, what a CF. Also you could be direct to her, tell her that you are fed up of looking after her kids all the time, as you feel that you are being used for free childcare and are now putting a stop to it. Bet as soon as you say that, she will cut you dead.

I like ForgiveIsDivines response. You just don't want to have a big conversation or negotiation each time.

Don't ask her to babysit for you again. Its sending mixed messages and she may try to use it as a bargaining tool.

"Thats fine, I better inform you that I charge £150 per hour for childcare"
That should do it, or you are coming into money 😀.

Why not just say I want some more “our” time with son, therefore I will not commit to any childminding. We will be happy to have your son round when we invite him to play, but this will be when it suits us.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

No details. Nothing further needed.

If she is willing to disrupt the children's friendship that is her business, you don't need to do any more favours for her.

I think the CF has made this very very easy for you.

'No, the gravy train has stopped and here's where you get off'

Change number and block.

She is not a friend. She is a parasite.