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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

advice on how to decline CF

80 replies

justbeginit · 19/12/2018 13:23

Person maybe on here so not going to post too many details.

Single parent with ex 6 hours away
Other parent sends kid round (8yo) and goes out.
Constantly asks favors as they cant figure out some online stuff.
Works constantly and not around for kids.
Is loaded (100k+) but doesn't pay for professional childcare.
When I say No, she questions why as we are about anyway.
Leaves us in the lurch, agrees to babysit then travels for work and doesn't let us know so we have to cancel or rush around to get another babysitter.

I've committed to a few thing over x mas but need to know how to get out of future engagements without ruining the kids friendship?

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 19/12/2018 14:06

She's being really pushy and will act offended if you push back. Let her be offended. She clearly doesn't care much about your feelings, so you have no obligation to care about hers.

INeedanInterestingUsername · 19/12/2018 14:06

You just need to be firm OP. Is this person texting you or coming to your door to ask? If it's a text I would reply 'Sorry, no I can't' and then I wouldn't answer any further texts. If she's coming to the door I just wouldn't answer the door. If she catches you out just say 'My children and I were really busy and wanted to focus on our family time' (I've found from experience if you say 'Sorry I didn't hear the door' they just bang louder and louder next time and start walking around the house to try to get into other doors or look through the windows, etc)

Just because you live close by and are home most of the time doesn't mean you need always be available to this woman. She has a child, finding childcare for her child is her responsibility, not yours. She's not offering to pay you, she's not watching your children on alternate days or anything. She's just using you. Be firm. Say 'no' and then ignore. The children will still play at school or whatever.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2018 14:08

TBH, after you give her a flat 'no' 2 or 3 times, she'll drop the 'friendship' like a hot potato and you won't have to be bothered by her again.

glitterfarts · 19/12/2018 14:10

CF: Can you have x on Thursday night?
You: Sure, I now charge £15/hour payable in advance for babysitting.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 19/12/2018 14:14

I wouldn't worry about offending her or damaging the kids friendship. She sounds like she'll offload her child at any opportunity so it's not like she'll say no when you do offer to have them for a play date.

Suggest she finds a babysitter, there are websites for them just send her the links.

Regnamechanger · 19/12/2018 14:14

Her - can you babysit Tuesday night,
me - No --sorry-.
Her - oh when can you do, as I have a really big work deadline.
me- Actually, I was planning to speak to you about this. We've decided to stop babysitting all together. It's not working for us.
Her - it'll only be a couple of hours, the kids can just play out the back. And your having "child friend 2" on thursday after so they can all play together.
You - No, as I said, it's not working for us any more. You need to make other arrangements.
Her - But... I really need this, you're letting me down badly, it won't be any trouble for you.
You - I appreciate that you think it won't be any trouble, however we've decided that we aren't going to do this any more.

Regnamechanger · 19/12/2018 14:14

I was trying to strikeout the word "sorry" and failed miserably. You're not sorry for anything.

eddielizzard · 19/12/2018 14:17

She sounds absolutely awful. I'd have no compunction about saying fuck off. Invite the child for playdates when convenient, otherwise say no. You've got nothing to lose.

ohwellinthatcasetryprunes · 19/12/2018 14:22

"I have a really big work deadline"

"You have a really big salary, so pay a childminder to look after your dc"

DeepanKrispanEven · 19/12/2018 14:27

Her - it'll only be a couple of hours, the kids can just play out the back. And you're having "child friend 2" on thursday after so they can all play together.

You - Yes, that's why I don't want to be responsible for a second child.
Her - Why not, it's no more trouble?
You - I've told you I can't have Jemima, you'll need to make other arrangements.

SandAndSea · 19/12/2018 14:33

"Hi! Just to let you know that from January, I'll be offering a paid childminding service. If you're interested, you'll need to book in and pay in advance - £x ph. Tell your friends!"

Or,

"Hi! Just to let you know that from January, I'll no longer be able to help you with childcare. New year, new start! Take care, x"

Mickeysminnie2 · 19/12/2018 14:38

Tell her now that something has come up over Christmas and you can no longer have her child.
Stop being a complete fucking doormat.

Original poster

justbeginit · 19/12/2018 14:39

My only concern is that the kids do a regular sports thing together and i take this 1 and another 2. I cant say im busy but it is walk to mine snack, go and then drop off.

OP posts:

underneaththeash · 19/12/2018 14:39

I'd suggest she gets an au pair to help out.

I'd also stop asking her to babysit at all for you and then there's no tit for tat.

SandAndSea · 19/12/2018 14:44

"Hi! Just to let you know that, apart from the weekly sports thing, I won't be available to do any more childcare from January. So, you'll need to make alternative arrangements. Take care, OP"

eddielizzard · 19/12/2018 14:49

So then you just do the sports thing, but nothing extra. Quite nice actually, because you don't need to do play dates with this kid since yours sees them every week anyway.

BMW6 · 19/12/2018 14:53

Then you simply tell her that you are happy to do the sport thing, but nothing else!
Come on OP. time to pull up your big girl pants and just say NO to things that you don't want to do!

ravenmum · 19/12/2018 14:57

You know, it is very liberating when you allow people not to like you.

dustarr73 · 19/12/2018 15:02

The first time you say no is the hardest.But it does get easier.

I have this im a sahm and i have kids over.No problm cause usually they head off somewhere else.But theres this one kid,hes a lovely child.No problem but its like its being expected.And he just kind of drifts down here.

So i told my son the other day,i dont mind the odd day but its getting too much.So i am going to have to say something to the parents after Christmas.You just cant e the back up all the time.

M3lon · 19/12/2018 15:07

ravenmum amen to that. Women of the world - you do not have to be liked by everyone. True fact.

WilburforceRaven · 19/12/2018 15:15

Jesus wept! She's not a friend. She's a using twat. You just tell her 'NO. I told you NO. I'm not offering any more free childcare. You need to pay someone.' Fuck even having a conversation with her! Don't answer when she rings and stick to texts as above. Fuck apologising or telling her you charge for childcare, making her lists of childcare providers or suggesting alternatives to her. That's her lookout.

She drops him round?

You don't open the door! Tell him to go back home. 'I can't, my mum left,' you text her that you told her you weren't providing free childcare, you're sick of being used and if she doesn't turn around and pick him in 5 minutes you're calling the police. And then fucking do it.

She's not a friend and she'll fuck off as soon as she realises she can't use you.

BerylStreep · 19/12/2018 15:17

'Hi, this is beginning to feel like childcare rather than playdates. You need to organise something else as it isn't working for us anymore.'

However, if you do this you also need to ensure that you are not asking anything off her. I wouldn't worry about the children being friends - they are very resilient to this. They can be friends in school.

NonaGrey · 19/12/2018 15:20

It’s not all or nothing OP!!

You can say no to some things and yes to others at your own convenience.

You get to decide if, where, when and for how long. You aren’t obliged to look after her child at any time unless you want to.

The sign of a CF is someone who argues with you when you decline to do them a favour.

CornishMaid1 · 19/12/2018 17:00

How about "that is fine and it will be £15 an hour for babysitting. If you can let me have the money in advance and paypal is fine".

dustarr73 · 19/12/2018 17:34

How about "that is fine and it will be £15 an hour for babysitting. If you can let me have the money in advance and paypal is fine".

A cf like her will never pay.Promise to pay but you wont ever get it.

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