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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

CF alert - apparently iabu to not share my au pair

113 replies

WontShareMyAuPair · 19/12/2018 11:30

I was approached by a school mum today as she's having issues with holiday childcare yes, I know, she should have sorted it before the last day of term and she asked if our au pair could look after her DC whilst she was working on the days between Xmas and new year.

I said I think au pair has arranged a couple of meet ups with some of her friends during those days but would ask au pair of she'd rather babysit for CF to earn some extra money.

CF was aghast that she would be expected to pay my au pair to babysit her DC as "you guys already pay her for childcare, and you won't be needing her that week".

I just stood there and kind of stuttered a reply that that's not really how au pairs work and mumbled something about a local sport club providing a holiday activities that maybe her DC could go to. CF then flounced off and proceeded to glare at me across the playground.

OP posts:

busyhonestchildcarer · 20/12/2018 18:14

Tell her that of course your au pair will work for free just as she does when she goes out to work

marvellousnightforamooncup · 20/12/2018 18:16

Mymomsbetterthanyomom

Turquoise123 · 20/12/2018 18:17

I never let my nanny work for anyone else, for free, late or anything else that was clearly inappropriate. We worked very well together for 7 years and remain close a decade later. Coincidence???

Bekstar · 20/12/2018 18:50

Seriously some people are just beyond reasonable.

A doctor friend once told me of a CF along the same lines, my friend always hired nannies, but used an agency and they were subject to change. Her DC where all school age n part of the job was that Nanny would have to attend an after school activity club with two of them. Basically any child under 8 had to have a parent or guardian with them. As there where 3 groups of kids at the school on the same night and only limited staff. Parents where expected to look after their own child. (Posh school not short of funds just after school staff) but after school activity was a choice rather than a must. So parents where expected to provide care for those unable to watch themselves as teacher ran the activities.
One week a nanny wasnt available and my friend managed to get her 19 year old cousin to go in (she had no childcare qualifications but had babysat the kids before so was fine) but was shocked when her cousin came back quite upset.
She had been shouted at by a teacher because supposingly she wasnt as good as a nanny because for some time unknown to friend the staff had been using the nanny as free childcare to make up numbers for some pupils whose parents couldnt make it or didnt want to provide a parent or guardian and that her nannies had been acting as a member of school staff and that the young cousin had been asked to take a group of them to one side and do an activity with them in a room with no other adults barring one parent she didnt know. When she said she wasnt comfortable as she wasn't CRB checked the teacher had the audacity to get angry that they didnt have the free use of a registered child minder that could do their job. Supposingly they had decreased the staff available for these clubs by using thess nannies. But each nanny had just assumed it was normal and part of the arrangement as the previous one had mentioned it etc. It had been going on a year. When friend spoke to her kids she was told that the nanny always did that cos a certain teacher asked them to and that the nanny didnt really watch her DC's at the club due to been busy doing an activity with often the younger kids. They were even printing off basic lesson plans for them as if they were teachers.

When friend phoned school she said the teacher who had been planning it all had answered quite nastily and said "You could have warned us that your childminder wasnt registered it left us in a pickle and we had to ask a member if staff to stay back who normally wouldn't. When friend told them they were bang out of order ahe was met with an attitude and told "You pay them to mind your children, so what harm has been caused by using them to make our numbers up, our teachers shouldnt have to stay behind if they dont want to when there is a perfectly good childminders service available.
Friend had nanny agency investigate with nannies how long it had gone on for, it was nearly a year I think. Supposingly when the agency found out they were livid because the staff to child ratio was different for them than the school or something and they insisted in refunding my friend for the hours her children should have been looked after and sent the school a bill for the hours they used alongside a very strongly worded letter stating it would not be allowed to happen again and that their staff had been mislead into believing it was part of the contract when it wasnt and that if a member if their staff attended any school events they were doing so only as a guardian to my friends children. Sad thing is its one of those schools my friend pays a fortune for her kids to go to and they think they are entitled to use their nanny as a staff member. I believe after an investigation from LEA due to complaint they were found to have used other kids nannies and childminders in a similar way (although not to the same degree). Not aure if the agenxy ever got the money might have to ask her now its joghed my memory.

MrsBombastic · 20/12/2018 18:59

Wow! The audacity!

That women is 10 gallons of crazy in a 2 gallon bucket!

wide berth

ALongHardWinter · 20/12/2018 19:01

Just,wow! YANBU. She is a mega CF!

ToftyAC · 20/12/2018 19:16

Jesus wept! 😂 Tell that massive CF to fuck the fuckity fuck off! Unbelievable 🤦🏼‍♀️

ToftyAC · 20/12/2018 19:19

@bekstar
Wow! Just.... wow!!!!

Daisydrum · 20/12/2018 20:22

Wow! The audacity! Do ask her if she will be working for someone else for free on her annual leave days because of course she’s already getting paid from her employer. (What a self-righteous idiot).

user1499173618 · 20/12/2018 20:26

It never fails to amaze me when someone thinks they can have someone else's time or labour for free and then gets upset at being told No

This. It happens so often!

cstaff · 20/12/2018 20:50

Bekstar - and that is a private school. CFs of the highest order.

NorthbyNorthwest22 · 20/12/2018 22:24

There will always be a cf trying to take advantage.
I worked as a nanny in my late teens to early 20s. The 3 children were 18 months, 5yrs and 8yrs.
One day after school 5yr old had a birthday party at a play barn. 330-5pm just opposite the school.
Mum had given me money for other 2 to play, all good. After 10 minutes one of the other mums announced she could do with nipping to the post office before it shut. Asked in my direction would I be able to keep an eye on little poppet for 5 minutes. I said fine, kids were all happily playing.
Fast forward to party end. Cf still not back. Host parent hangs around for a bit but had a newborn so I told her it was fine to go.
This was late 90s so I didn’t have a mobile and knew mum got home around 5 and would be wondering where we were. 545pm and my employer now frantic arrives at the play barn. Furious but obviously not with me. Poppets mum then casually walks in wondering what all the fuss was about. Apparently she thought the party ended at 6 so thought she would go to Sainsbury’s while the “nanny” looked after poppet.
My by then livid employer tore strips off her in front of a still busy play barn informing her that she worked for social services (which she did) and what she had done was no different to leaving her child with a complete stranger in the park. Neither I or she knew this cf or poppet apart from seeing them in the playground.
Cf then huffed off with a retorting what the point in having paid help!
A few days later I then heard from another nanny that cf had said I had tried to leave little poppet alone in the play barn and she had to call my employer to inform her of my lax child care skills!
I continued to get evils every day in the playground from cf for the next 2 years!

Pollaidh · 20/12/2018 23:12

When we're briefing our nannies at the start of employment, we warn them about certain CF in the playground, and also make clear they are not expected to look after any additional children, and any requests should be declined and referred to me. They're quite young and find it hard to stand up to certain bolshy confident mums, and sometimes the CF mothers make it seem like it's something i've approved.

We do, however, check whether, in a genuine emergency, the nanny would be ok with bringing child a, b, or c, home too, with the justification that if the nanny is ever ill or on holiday, it is usually parents a, b, or c, who help us out at last minute, so we'd like to repay the favour. They always seem ok with this, and it's limited to specific (and well-behaved) children. Plus it's actually only happened maybe once in a couple of years.

Munchkingoat · 21/12/2018 00:10

Mymomsbetterthanyomom

Oh do fuck offski dear

Sparklesocks · 21/12/2018 00:17

It’s rude, and also suggests she doesn’t value the au pair’s labour or time

Sparklesocks · 21/12/2018 00:20

Mymomsbetterthanyomom that’s great, but if you had even a slight resemblance of awareness or understanding you would understand that is a luxury not everyone has.

Leapfrog44 · 21/12/2018 08:57

For most people having an au pair is a kind of legal exploitation so if you're not wringing every last ounce of energy out of her and under-paying her, then well done you.

The woman is def. CF

Fairyhill · 21/12/2018 11:28

Can I lend your au pair ? I ll pay her in cake 🍰🤣

Genevieva · 21/12/2018 11:45

@whatwillbewillbe03 you don't have to explain yourself to strangers. You are clearly not a CF. You have an arrangement that works with some Mums of your DD's friends. One happens to do childcare for the other. I think we all like to help our friends when we can. particularly when they have delightful children. What we don't want is to feel used. There is no evidence your friends feel used. Don't bother to engage with a criticism from someone who doesn't know you.

OP's situation is CFery of the highest order. CFs rely on other people's politeness to get away with audacious behaviour. Well done for standing up to her and protecting your au pair. I would tell your au pair about the incident, so she knows to avoid this woman and has a reply prepared if she is accosted.

Pollaidh · 21/12/2018 13:42

Definitely warn your au pair about this woman and make sure she knows what you replied. Some very pushy mothers can persuade a young, uncertain au pair or nanny that they've got this agreement with the mother.

nannykatherine · 21/12/2018 18:41

yes of course she’s one of them !! au pairs or nannies are not people so not entitied to any days off !!!!!!!!

Enthymeme · 21/12/2018 21:52

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.! LOL

Maelstrop · 21/12/2018 22:09

My employer was discussing childcare arrangements with her mum one day. I was the au pair for her 4 year old and the new born, sole charge. For the summer holiday, she'd decided to offer my services to her brother and I would look after his two kids over the holiday as well. It was at this point that I decided to go home early. She wasn't happy but nor was I, not having been consulted!

KeiTeNgeNge · 21/12/2018 23:35

Some cheeky people here

Deidre21 · 21/12/2018 23:55

Mental. Where do some of these people come from? You are clearly not unreasonable.

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