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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF alert - apparently iabu to not share my au pair

113 replies

WontShareMyAuPair · 19/12/2018 11:30

I was approached by a school mum today as she's having issues with holiday childcare yes, I know, she should have sorted it before the last day of term and she asked if our au pair could look after her DC whilst she was working on the days between Xmas and new year.

I said I think au pair has arranged a couple of meet ups with some of her friends during those days but would ask au pair of she'd rather babysit for CF to earn some extra money.

CF was aghast that she would be expected to pay my au pair to babysit her DC as "you guys already pay her for childcare, and you won't be needing her that week".

I just stood there and kind of stuttered a reply that that's not really how au pairs work and mumbled something about a local sport club providing a holiday activities that maybe her DC could go to. CF then flounced off and proceeded to glare at me across the playground.

OP posts:
whatwillbewillbe03 · 19/12/2018 13:25

@BitOutOfPractice I have been friends with the employer of the nanny for nearly 8 years.. we meet through NCT, our girls went to the same childminder and go the same school, in the same class. The nanny was employed taking on my DD. I have offered to pay on numerous occasion and she will not take it.

I help her out whenever required. Have done many school runs for her children with drop off at 7am in the morning, taking girls weekend events, to and from parties, sleepovers etc. I am by no means taking advantage and will be the first to go out of my way should either of them need help with anything.

WilburforceRaven · 19/12/2018 13:29

Oh, there was a thread not too long ago featuring an OP who was about to retire. Her 'friend' expected her to look after her daughter's young baby 5 days/week for free because the daughter's husband didn't want to pay half for childcare. And the OP was actually asking if she was BU to say no!

CountessVonBoobs · 19/12/2018 13:30

Who won't take the money, whatwillbe? The nanny or the mum?

My nanny occasionally says she will look after another child on e.g. a playdate basis for free, because she is too nice for her own good. And I tell her no, and ensure she gets paid for it. If it's the nanny who says no, insist. If it's the mum who says no, pay the nanny directly.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 19/12/2018 13:33

This is a wonderful late entry for the CF of the year award (There is an award, right?)

OP, you are missing a trick here. If YOU (not the nanny) charge other people for the hours you aren't utilising with the nanny, you could potentially end up with a nanny that pays for herself!! Wink

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 19/12/2018 13:35

I swear there is no more entitled time of year than Christmas, it brings out all the CFuckery.

nevermorelenore · 19/12/2018 13:36

I can’t believe people wait until the last day of term to sort this stuff out. It makes me feel all panicky to even think about being this disorganised. I guess CFers just swan around expecting everyone else to sort things out for them.

DogMamma · 19/12/2018 13:37

I've never hired an au pair however I'm pretty sure you PAY them for thier services!
CF is utter bat shit!

whatwillbewillbe03 · 19/12/2018 13:38

She's not a professional nanny shes a school mum with a child also in the same class and also a friend.

Neither will take payment and i would 100% would do the same for either of them.

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 19/12/2018 13:39

How was that ever ok when she played that conversation in her head :-/
So effectively you would be paying her childcare!?

CountessVonBoobs · 19/12/2018 13:40

She's not a professional nanny shes a school mum with a child also in the same class and also a friend.

You described her as "a nanny" in your previous post. If she normally receives money for childcare she is a professional nanny, and if she is looking after your child she should be paid for it.

GertrudeCB · 19/12/2018 13:44

I wonder if CF is related to the neighbour who stood at my front door and screeched at me that is ruined her Xmas Eve when I had to unexpectedly go into work for a few hours so popped my DC into the local play scheme - this was the night before Xmas Eve that she knocked on to see if I could have her 2 DC for a play date the next day. I laughed and told her to sort out her own childcare .

Dotty1970 · 19/12/2018 13:45

Complete dick , tell her so.

whatwillbewillbe03 · 19/12/2018 13:50

@CountessVonBoobs she was a school mum working in another profession completely before being employed by mum friend as her nanny and she does this and another line of work in between.

We are all friends and the set up has worked for all of us for a long time now. I agree she should be paid but neither will hear if it. I would never accept payment from my friend long before the nanny was in place for filling in the the CM when she was off/sick and having her kids dropped to me at 7am and collecting from school, doing activity runs at the weekend or looking after her children if she needed. We all help eachother out when and where we can. Thats what friends are for.

Kardashianlove · 19/12/2018 13:58

She's not a professional nanny shes a school mum with a child also in the same class and also a friend.

This is totally different to what you described though! You said your friend employs a nanny who also takes care of your DD once a week. You said you don’t pay but buy them occasional bottles of wine, which does sound like you are taking advantage.

If she isn’t a professional nanny and it’s a friend helping you out then this isn’t really related to the thread which is about people being CF in terms of paid childcare!

CountessVonBoobs · 19/12/2018 14:18

She's still a professional nanny. She takes care of children, professionally. And it's pretty low that all of a sudden she's not a "professional" when people point out that she's doing her job for you for free.

Her employer is really not in a position to be saying that she will also look after yours for free. It should be up to the nanny. It honestly sounds like your friend is exploiting her nanny under the cover of you all being "friends". At best this is v poor boundaries. I hope your friend fulfils her legal responsibilities as an employer and pays into pension etc.

lalalalyra · 19/12/2018 14:30

@WontShareMyAuPair It was bloody awful - CF'er basically let people think (or actively told them) that our lovely au pair was meant to walk her DS home and had just left him so people thought she was being paid for it. We only realised the extent of it when someone told me they were surprised I trusted her with mine after what she'd done. One of the families she occasionally babysat for never trusted her again as they were too nervous that she had neglected a child which was really unfair as she's a lovely girl.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/12/2018 14:39

I think @whatwillbewillbe03 is getting a bit of a hard time here. She clearly has an arrangement that works for all parties, and has gone above and beyond to make sure that she is not being a cheeky fucker - and I doubt that she mentioned that the nanny concerned is not a professional because she wants to excuse being a c f - I assume it is a statement of fact - the nanny did not train in child care/has no professional nannying qualifications - this doesn’t mean the OP values her any less!

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 19/12/2018 16:21

I think @whatwillbewillbe03 is getting a bit of a hard time here. She clearly has an arrangement that works for all parties,

^ What genius has said.

whatwillbewillbe03 · 19/12/2018 16:37

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius thank you.. you are completely right.. to me she is a nanny and i value her and my friend very much. She was aware of the set up from the moment she was employed and she took the job on that arrangement and it works for all of us. If it was to end tomorrow we would all still be friends.

Both ladies know that if they need anything they only have to ask.. even if it mean changing my plans or going out of my way to help without a second thought i would do it.

Deathraystare · 20/12/2018 08:56

Wow! Just wow! How do these people sleep at night? (Answer - very well, well they are not out of pocket are they??!!)

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2018 10:22

@whatwillbewillbe03 if you read my first post to you I said you might be straying into CF territory. Not that you're a CF. And that it might be worth doing a regular "are you sure you're still ok with this" check. I think both of those statements are still valid. But I'm glad you do check and reciprocate and it's all working well for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2018 10:22

For you all, I meant to say

Racecardriver · 20/12/2018 10:27

I don’t even know where to begin. I just can’t comprehend this. It’s like hiring lawyer and then your neighbour expecting them to give them free legal advice if your meeting ends early.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 20/12/2018 17:43

I enjoy raising my own children✌

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2018 17:51

Well good for you Mymomsbetterthanyomom Biscuit