AIBU to expect boyfriend to contribute to housework?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I am 23, he is 36. We don't live together although we are planning to move in together next year after i finish my master's degree. I stay at his place for weeks at a time, even months during the summer.

I don't work but i have my own money. Less than him, but enough to cover my rent, bills, food, travel and necessities.

Generally we get along well and things are good. However there is one major problem that has been bothering me. When i stay at his place for a long period of time i do EVERYTHING. I do laundry,i fold it and put it in the wardrobe, i cook dinner every single night, durink the weekend i also make us breakfast and lunch, i do the dishes every single day, i pack his lunch for work, i clean the flat,i take bins out, i even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I also do a food shop every week (i don't drive so i have to carry bags uphill for half an hour).

He works Monday to Friday from 9 to 5. Desk job. When i tell him that he should do some stuff around the flat too he says things like 'Well i work every day so we can have a flat, food and afford nice things'. Which is fair, but it's not like i am dependant on him. I pay rent for my own flat, i pay my own bills, i pay for what i need for myself, i buy food for the both of us.

If i don't do the housework he still doesn't do it and i can't live in filth. If he makes a sandwich or toast he lives the buttery knife on the counter, crumbs everywhere. He is very messy. We had an argument a while ago because the bin was full and i did not take it out that day and he said to me: 'I feel like when you are here you treat this flat like a holiday home'. Then i told him every single thing i do around his flat and again i got the 'i go to work every day so we can have this and this' response.

I did a big expensive Christmas food shop the other day. But we still need the turkey, veg, fruit and drinks that are difficult to carry. I keep asking him to go get them but all i get is 'i am tired, just make me a list and i'll grab some things during lunch break". I said no, we need to go one day when you come home from work. He just tells me he's tired and that i can get the rest of what we need because i have nothing to do. Last year was my first Christmas with him. We had a Christmas lunch with his family then for the rest of Christmas we ate cheese sandwiches because he was too unorganized and lazy to do a food shop.

I now have doubts about moving in with him next year. I'll have a full time job too by then and i don't want to come home from work, do everything while he is relaxing on the sofa waiting for dinner to be ready.

Besides this he is affectionate, funny, caring and we enjoy our time together. His family is great and they like me. I really don't know what to do.

Can you imagine if you have children with him and when you're on maternity leave or go back part time...he will think he doesn't have to lift a finger because he 'works' in a 'proper job' and you'll have to do everything - all the nights all the days all the weekends as he needs a rest from work. Mums net is full of threads where people thought their partner would grow up and do an equal share after becoming a parent and they never do

Nooooooo. You are 23. So young. Plenty of time to meet someone who's not such a man child. DO NOT MOVE IN.

she told me that their mum told her great things about me and how good i am to her son

You are being set up to take over mummy's position as chief bottle washer for this man-child. it is not any woman's job to parent a romantic partner or to "train" them up to adulthood. Please at least stop spending time at his flat and running around after him, pull right back and keep yourself busy at your own home or with family and friends over Christmas and see how he reacts, will he miss you or all the little jobs you do to make his life easier. Run for the hills and don't waste your 20's cleaning up after a lazy git.

Disrespecting him? Respect has to be earned. What exactly has he done to earn your respect?

Adding my voice to the chorus: LTB.

Are you inclined to try and please everyone a bit too much? I can't think of any other way you would be doing all this for him. If so, you need to be more willing to risk people's displeasure.

It is not necessarily a good think that his mother likes you.

She approves of you because she can see you stepping into her shoes and taking responsibility for her son.

Do you think she will still like you when you tell her how lazy and disrespectful her son is, and what a poor job she has done in teaching him to behave like an adult. You are not going to tell them both this, because you are too nice. But that is what they need to understand before they would even contemplate starting to make the changes that might make this an acceptable prospect for you.

36 year old lazy slob - highly unlikely he'll change and at your age you may possibly be thinking of having children too, someone like this won't help with that either.

You have 3 choices

1 stop doing it all, stop letting him claim his being an employee means he doesn't need to do the basics of running a home and IF he does finally "get it" then consider moving in BUT have a clear conversation of expectations beforehand. As I say it's highly unlikely he'll change.

2 leave him - recommended

3 accept that's how he is & be a doormat but be prepared that you will always have to do everything inc all that's involved with children if you have them.

What's his relationship history?

"Is he from the 1950's?" I hate this response. My dad and granda's were "traditional" in their roles at home - they still weren't lazy! They did the "men's" jobs (DIY, home and garden maintenance, car maintenance - which in those days meant something needed doing most days, anything "heavy" eg no way would they have let their wives carry heavy shopping uphill for half hour! And they wouldn't dream of being so lazy and disrespectful as to not tidy up after their own backsides!) at least plus did manual jobs outside the home often 60+ hours.

He's a fucking nerve bitching about the bin! It's his bin! Again - traditionally a male job, but even so you don't live there and he does fuck all else without being prompted (which anyone over 16 really shouldn't need barring health/disability issues). Nah. He's paying lip service cos he probably senses you're at the end of your tether. That's why I asked about relationship history - I'm willing to bet this may well be WHY at 36 he's single!

What does he do when he's at yours? Does he even lift a finger?

Oh ffs then your post about his mum & her expectations/assumptions... RUN!

Why on earth are you doing his housework, are you a cleaning lady? Why are you cooking his dinner? Why are you doing his laundry? My God what on earth?!!! I wouldn't even bother trying to sort this out I'd just be gone. He asked you to apologise for not taking out his bin!!! Are you serious?!!! You've only got yourself to blame if you continue to stay in this situation. Get out of there he's only going to get worse, much worse!!

You need to up your standards OP - and find your self respect.

If i don't do the housework he still doesn't do it and i can't live in filth
MUG!!!!!!
He's already got you trained like a dog.
He has NO incentive to do his own dirty work nor learn how to keep a house clean when you're right there itching to jump in and do it for him.
Remember - if you move in then this will be your unpaid second job - skivvy and housemaid.

He said that he doesn't know what needs to be done around the flat and that i need to tell him. So i printed a chores chart and stuck it on the fridge
Such a child - and you fell for the trap and DID IT FOR HIM!
You're not his mother OP.

'Well i work every day so we can have a flat, food and afford nice things'
If you have kids with him and go on maternity/part time job THIS is what will be thrown in your face everytime you ask him to behave like a responsible adult around the house.

With little/no income and a baby you will be trapped or find it a lot more difficult to get away from him.

He's got no respect for you - you do know that?
He already expects you to do his yhousework and doesn't even thank you for it, in fact he twists it around and finds fault with you instead over emptying HIS bin ffs!
He's a grown man of 36 but 'doesn't know' how to do basic chores - he's a LOSER!

You can't change him OP so wise up and see the light before you make a drastic mistake.

Still can't get my head round you packing his lunch for him and doing his ironing....doesn't it make your relationship feel slightly incestuous with you having to mother him all the time regards everything?

He's got to 36 being a lazy slob, he won't change, so you either decide you can live this way or finish it. Harsh I'm afraid but it's the reality

Odd that it's 'disrespecting him' when you miss the odd bin emptying. But not in the least 'disrespecting' when he treats you like a skivvy day in, day out.

He won't change.

This will get worse when you move in together.

It will become untenable when you have children.

He has spent his adult years working his way through women who understandably couldn't put up with him. Now, he's trying you on for size.

Dump.

Don't get drawn in by any urges to take responsibility for him- DUMP!

When you met him, he was 33. Let me tell you now, as a 33-year-old- I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Might have done at 20, because being the grown-up when it came to the cleaning would have given me something to feel superior about.

That's why he's with you. Dump, dump and dump again.

Can you imagine if he needed a chart and to be told everything to do at work? He would have been out on his ear.

It's not that he is so pathetic he can't do it it is that won't do it. As far as he is concerned it is a woman's place to do the dirty grunt work (or think about how it should be done so he doesn't have to). You and your time are not as important as him.

Yea I too am thinking he's gone for someone younger & less confident because he knows women his own age wouldn't tolerate his bullshit!

Can you imagine if he needed a chart and to be told everything to do at work? He would have been out on his ear.

This! I'll bet he's one of those 50/50 types, to the penny, except when it comes to lifework.

I really hope you are listening, OP, because your life doesn't have to be like this at all.

A chore chart, that's what you use for children. He knows what needs to be done, but he thinks it's your job to do it.

Hills. >>>>>

You are a fool.

OP these years should be really fun for you not full of drudgery running after a lazy filthy arsehole who says you're disrespectful for not taking HIS bins out??

And you drew up a chore list - after that you STILL want to sleep with him????? 🙄😲

He's got you well trained op.

I'm not saying that you're an animal , he is treating you like one though.

No more charts , no more waiting for him to change. Just leave. Either that or I'll see your thread in a few years time when you're on your knees because you're running a home and looking after two kids while he sits and makes orders.

When I was 23, I was saving up to go off traveling, on the cusp of the most fun years of my life.

Not emptying some man's bins and washing his grotty underwear.

This is you for the rest of your life - decades and decades stretching out ahead of you.

As the old saying goes “you sunk into his arms and ended up with your arms in his sink”.

Leave him.

He likes living in filth you don't so you are incompatible.

You are 23 you have plenty of time to find another long term boyfriend, and with your level of education I suggest you do unless you want to be divorced by the time you are 30.

Is this the man you want as the father of your children? It isn't the kind of man I'd pick. The warning signs are there, you'll be doing it all. You have age on your side, think long term and get out.

I couldn’t respect a man who has his own place but says he needs to know what to do. Its just putting you in charge of the shitwork as well as doing all the shitwork. And the disrespect thing is a red flag. I think you can do better.

Ultimatum time. Although I wouldn't actually give him that privilege. Op this is not how it should be....you deserve so much more x

Why are you in any way involved in any of his housework? This weekend fuck cleaning his flat. Go back to yours, put your feet up and watch TV all weekend. He can clean his own flat and you can come back when he's done.