AIBU to expect boyfriend to contribute to housework?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I am 23, he is 36. We don't live together although we are planning to move in together next year after i finish my master's degree. I stay at his place for weeks at a time, even months during the summer.

I don't work but i have my own money. Less than him, but enough to cover my rent, bills, food, travel and necessities.

Generally we get along well and things are good. However there is one major problem that has been bothering me. When i stay at his place for a long period of time i do EVERYTHING. I do laundry,i fold it and put it in the wardrobe, i cook dinner every single night, durink the weekend i also make us breakfast and lunch, i do the dishes every single day, i pack his lunch for work, i clean the flat,i take bins out, i even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I also do a food shop every week (i don't drive so i have to carry bags uphill for half an hour).

He works Monday to Friday from 9 to 5. Desk job. When i tell him that he should do some stuff around the flat too he says things like 'Well i work every day so we can have a flat, food and afford nice things'. Which is fair, but it's not like i am dependant on him. I pay rent for my own flat, i pay my own bills, i pay for what i need for myself, i buy food for the both of us.

If i don't do the housework he still doesn't do it and i can't live in filth. If he makes a sandwich or toast he lives the buttery knife on the counter, crumbs everywhere. He is very messy. We had an argument a while ago because the bin was full and i did not take it out that day and he said to me: 'I feel like when you are here you treat this flat like a holiday home'. Then i told him every single thing i do around his flat and again i got the 'i go to work every day so we can have this and this' response.

I did a big expensive Christmas food shop the other day. But we still need the turkey, veg, fruit and drinks that are difficult to carry. I keep asking him to go get them but all i get is 'i am tired, just make me a list and i'll grab some things during lunch break". I said no, we need to go one day when you come home from work. He just tells me he's tired and that i can get the rest of what we need because i have nothing to do. Last year was my first Christmas with him. We had a Christmas lunch with his family then for the rest of Christmas we ate cheese sandwiches because he was too unorganized and lazy to do a food shop.

I now have doubts about moving in with him next year. I'll have a full time job too by then and i don't want to come home from work, do everything while he is relaxing on the sofa waiting for dinner to be ready.

Besides this he is affectionate, funny, caring and we enjoy our time together. His family is great and they like me. I really don't know what to do.

Why would you expect him to change if you move in?! You're getting a sneak preview of how it would be, and his attitude to you.

You say he's lovely otherwise, and caring, but this isn't caring for you is it.

It will get worse if you have kids. I say this from experience.

Incidentally, what does he do when his servant you aren't there? Presumably he packs his own lunch and sweeps his own floors?

Google the Freedom Programme, specifically read about "King of the Castle". It's a form of abuse.

He doesn't want to take responsibility. That means he can blame you for everything that goes wrong or he doesn't like.

You are right. A 36 year old should know what needs to be done to keep his own home in order. He shouldn't need a girlfriend to educate him.

His little attack over the bins was just a feeble attempt to restore the pecking order that he prefers.

It might be worth remembering when you are talking to him that adult to adult communications are likely to work best. So assume he is an adult and he will rise to the task. Assume you are the parent and he is a child, and he will have to re-establish control.

'We need to clean the flat' ?! It's his flat not yours, if anyone's cleaning it should be him. As as for you 'disrespecting ' him! Does he think he's superior to you and that you should do what he says? And if you don't then there's consequences?

Pleas don't move in with this sexist arsehole. Your life will be miserable.

What the actual fuck! My mind is blown!

It’s HIS FLAT! He’s a grown man!

You ‘disrespect’ him by not following his orders to empty HIS BIN!!

Get as far away as you can from this man child!

Sorry about the exclamation marks, but seriously get the fuck out

Do you want to look back on your 20s and remember how much fun you had, how much you learnt and the great people you met?

Or do you want to remember washing your manchild boyfriend's pants, and being told off for not taking the bins out?

The choice is yours.

Don't move in with him. If you want to stay there, frankly, it's his flat and he's happy in squalor so if you value your comfort, clean up. Get an online delivery for Christmas food. Enjoy it. After Christmas give your mutual future serious thought as he's not going to change.

Tell him to jog on. Disrespecting him, indeed. He talks like he's your father but acts like he's your son. Chore charts ffs, he's 36. How did he live before you came along? Tell him you don't find man-children attractive.

OP you sound reasonably mature for your age, but all the same I think when you are 33 yourself you will look back and realise how ridiculous it was that you imagined even for a moment that when you first met this man he saw a 20-year-old as an equal. He pretty obviously saw you as a pushover, and still does.

Please get out. There are SO MANY men available when you’re in your early 20s. It would be wrong to settle for this nonsense at any age, but even more so when you have endless options.

I strongly suspect his behaviour is because of his mum and the way he was raised. Up until a couple of years ago she used to do his laundry.

A few months ago we went to his parents and his mum asked me 'DSs hoodie is crinkled, do you overload the dryer?' So she just assumed that i am the one doing his laundry.
She also offered me some cookbooks. She handed them to me even though her son was next to me and said 'There are some nice dinner ideas in there'.

When i tell him that he should do some stuff around the flat too he says things like 'Well i work every day so we can have a flat, food and afford nice things'.

During our talk he pointed out that i hadn't taken the bin out once or twice in the past few weeks and he feels that i disrespect him greatly by doing that because the first time it happened he asked me to take it out when it is full. So he wanted an apology for disrespecting him.

He does not see you as his partner because he does not see women as his equal. Do yourself a favour, stop trying to fix him and leave.

‘he wanted an apology for disrespecting him’

My only apology would be ‘sorry but you are on your own’.

New year is on it’s way op, make a fresh start. Finish your masters, find a job and have some fun. Let him live with his over flowing bin and let him make his own packed lunch.

Given his age you aren't the first woman in his life. I think a chat with an ex or two might help clear your head. Definitely not got a winner there.

Egad. You only get one life, OP. Don't waste your twenties with this loser.

A former colleague of mine found he was very tired after a day at the chalkface and really didn't fancy domestic chores (no shit, Sherlock!), so he paid for a cleaning and ironing service and considered it money well spent. This man has found somebody to do the grunt work for free - why on earth should he put himself out, from his POV?
I think the age difference is significant; do you think he might have tried this tactic before with his peers, who have gotten wise to him, and place more value on their time and efforts?
So he casts around for someone a bit younger and more impressionable; how unfortunate for him that you are on to his game, despite being his junior by 13 years.
"His family is great and they like me" - well I bet his DM is particularly keen to shunt the manchild on to the next generation......if you see his family over the holiday, I'd cast a discreet but beady eye over the dynamics; you many see the future he has planned for you playing out.

OP, when I was 19 I started going out with a successful businessman aged 32. I was so in love thought I never loved anybody as much. Followed this guy to his work placement abroad and got engaged.

He had a huge fight with me because the dry cleaning 'I chose' messed up his shirt, would get terribly upset at me for stuff I could never anticipate and talked me into stuff in bed I would never do today.
Not abusive by any strech but I was starting to feel smaller and smaller and walking on eggshells.

One day I went home for christmas, broke it off, cryied my heart out and a week later I had forgotten all about him and remembered all about me. Thats how quickly one recuperates at that age.

I'm now 35 and no way do I think a 23 year old is my equal, too much shit goes down in those years. And all the guys I know that date girls that young can't hold on to women more their age as they don't have that much to offer. sorry just what I see.

All I'm trying to say is your twenties are for making many mistakes, not just one.

This summer i went on holiday with his family. I got to meet his sister(she lives far away). We were laughing and chatting about random things and she told me that their mum told her great things about me and how good i am to her son.
She then asked me if her brother is still as messy as he used to be. I said yes. She then told me not to do his laundry and clean up after him because he'll get used to it.
I should have listened to his sister...

Apologise for disrespecting him about the bin today, apologise for being a stupid fucking slut two or three years from now. Don't believe me? Look at the Freedom Programme anyway. Just in case this bin argument isn't a trivial one-off.

As everyone else has said, he will not improve so I wouldn't move in with him. Start staying in your own flat- even if he lives like a slob he will have to get used to doing his own laundry and lunch/tea again. I can see how you got sucked into to doing everything for him if you were only 20 when you started seeing him but in the future, if you live with anyone, don't even begin behaving like their maid. He really took advantage of your naivety.

Do you honestly think he'll change?

He's 13 years older than you. Which one is the adult?

I wouldn't move in until this issue was resolved. You will be his live in skivvy, resentments will build and the relationship will be doomed. I wouldn't spend another night at his place until he gets the message that you are equals in the relationship. If he cannot see that he needs to do his share then Id rethink my relationship with him as he clearly doesn't respect you.

Eeeeek. You've set the standard now. Will be so hard to break once you move in together

'i go to work every day so we can have this and this'

Tell him you don't NEED his 'nice things' as you already have your own.

How did he eat before meeting you? Clean the house?

Don't get me wrong sometimes I will nudge DP to do something in the house but more of a 'oh crap DS needs this for tomorrow can you shove the wash on while I'm cooking tea?' rather than being expected to do it all!

He said that he doesn't know what needs to be done around the flat and that i need to tell him.
And yet the one thing he does know needs doing - the bins - turns out to be your job. Strange that.
You must have met loads of people at University. You know that this isn't the modern way for couples to live. Get shot of him. Go and have fun and an exciting life with people your own age.

Run run run for the hills.
He expects you to wait on him and and foot as does his mother, so no support for you there.
Do. Not. Move. In. With. Him.
He will never change, not even if you have babies together. In fact he would probably get worse.

Op get out and enjoy your youth. You just wasted your precious life writing a list of how to tidy a house for a grown man.

He needs a list from you to understand how dirty clothes get clean ???

He knows what to do Op please get out and enjoy life. The thought of you wasting your amazing twenties tidying this man's house and picking up his laundry is too sad.