AIBU to expect boyfriend to contribute to housework?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I am 23, he is 36. We don't live together although we are planning to move in together next year after i finish my master's degree. I stay at his place for weeks at a time, even months during the summer.

I don't work but i have my own money. Less than him, but enough to cover my rent, bills, food, travel and necessities.

Generally we get along well and things are good. However there is one major problem that has been bothering me. When i stay at his place for a long period of time i do EVERYTHING. I do laundry,i fold it and put it in the wardrobe, i cook dinner every single night, durink the weekend i also make us breakfast and lunch, i do the dishes every single day, i pack his lunch for work, i clean the flat,i take bins out, i even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I also do a food shop every week (i don't drive so i have to carry bags uphill for half an hour).

He works Monday to Friday from 9 to 5. Desk job. When i tell him that he should do some stuff around the flat too he says things like 'Well i work every day so we can have a flat, food and afford nice things'. Which is fair, but it's not like i am dependant on him. I pay rent for my own flat, i pay my own bills, i pay for what i need for myself, i buy food for the both of us.

If i don't do the housework he still doesn't do it and i can't live in filth. If he makes a sandwich or toast he lives the buttery knife on the counter, crumbs everywhere. He is very messy. We had an argument a while ago because the bin was full and i did not take it out that day and he said to me: 'I feel like when you are here you treat this flat like a holiday home'. Then i told him every single thing i do around his flat and again i got the 'i go to work every day so we can have this and this' response.

I did a big expensive Christmas food shop the other day. But we still need the turkey, veg, fruit and drinks that are difficult to carry. I keep asking him to go get them but all i get is 'i am tired, just make me a list and i'll grab some things during lunch break". I said no, we need to go one day when you come home from work. He just tells me he's tired and that i can get the rest of what we need because i have nothing to do. Last year was my first Christmas with him. We had a Christmas lunch with his family then for the rest of Christmas we ate cheese sandwiches because he was too unorganized and lazy to do a food shop.

I now have doubts about moving in with him next year. I'll have a full time job too by then and i don't want to come home from work, do everything while he is relaxing on the sofa waiting for dinner to be ready.

Besides this he is affectionate, funny, caring and we enjoy our time together. His family is great and they like me. I really don't know what to do.

I just can't get over the packed lunch.

I know! My 10-year-old makes his own packed lunch. He even writes down on a chalkboard in the kitchen when he's running low on certain lunch items. He gets £5/week pocket money for doing some chores round the house and does his own washing.

My teenage daughter studies FT, has a PT job, volunteers, is in several sports clubs and still manages to often cook for all of us (she likes it) a couple of times a week, bakes, keeps her room tidy, also does her own washing. She does chores for pocket money, too, as she's saving the money from her job to pay for her driving lessons next year.

This loser is useless.

You're seeing your future. You can take it or you can leave it.

Up to you.

You're 23. Stop wasting your time on a man who needs babying.

First time I've said this but LTB!

You are clearly a smart woman with her shit together and he is a man child who can't function like an adult. It will NEVER improve.

RUN FORREST, RUN!

Yup. What they all said!

He’s showing you who he hpreally is.

Run like fuck! The selfish lazy twat!

I've just read your OP again, amd to be honest it doesn't sound like he actually likes you very much. I'm sure he LOVES having a young woman on his arm who is also a free maid. I hope you find the strength to dump his useless arse and you are ok

I don't want to come home from work, do everything while he is relaxing on the sofa waiting for dinner to be ready.

Well that's what your life will be like if you move in with him.

Get out now.

Run for the hills op!

You are young, you will be starting a new job shortly, the world is your oyster.

Do not shackle yourself to this lazy individual. He's nearly 40, he's not going to change now. This situation will not improve once you move in. Do NOT have children with this man.

Leave him and tell him why. You deserve so much better.

Run.
What's bad now will be worse later.

Does he have a car? If so why on earth is he letting you lug heavy shopping home?

How on earth did he manage to survive before he met you or did his previous girlfriend skivvy for him as well?

Why settle for this at 23?

I can understand you doing some of the things if you don't want to live in filth- I don't agree with you doing them but I understand why.

But - his laundry? His lunches? His dinner every night?

STOP!!

Then move out.

The OP never came back. Hope she doesn't do so in 5 years having procreated with this lazy git and then given up her career to facilitate his entitled life but remained unmarried and is then skint and had it up to here with his disrespect and lack of adulting.

Another first time poster who hasn't been back on their own thread within 24 hours. Remember some schools have broken up already.

Firstly, he won't change. If I was you I wouldn't move in with him, because these patterns will continue. Yes he might be lovely in every other respect, but soon enough the resentment you feel about housework will overshadow everything else.

Secondly, there was one thing I couldn't tell from your post. Does he do all the housework when you aren't there but refuses when you are there, or is he happy to live in a mess when you aren't there but you aren't when you are there? Either way I doubt the relationship can work, but it does change things slightly. If it's the first one he's a massive knobhead, if it's the second it's an issue with different standards/ expectations of cleanliness.

I was in a similar situation, I got a cleaner and ironer. Cost me the same price as a takeaway/meal out

A cleaner might solve his problem. But he might say that you have to pay for it, because it is only necessary because your standards are too high....

Jesus wept! So now it's her lookout to enable this lazy arse cockwomble with a fucking cleaner? Yeah. The OP hasn't been back so you know,

He won't change. Why should he? He has you to do everything for him and also expects you to be grateful for it. Definitely do not move in with him. You're so young and settling by yourself up for for a life of servitude and resentment. He needs to look after his own house. You focus on you.

People don't change. Not unless they desperately want to and make huge efforts not to slip into old ways. He's v clearly shown you who he is, no way would I move in with him.

Erm, what did I just read???? Are you his skivvy? He's a lazy git who won't change - why should he? He's treated like a king who doesn't have to lift a finger! His own personal cook, cleaner, laundry maid and bed warmer has it all under control.
Don't be a mug!

Don't move in with him, it will not get better. If he's like this now, imagine how he'd behave if you were on maternity leave.

I don't think the OP is coming back...

I had a talk to him last night after reading all your comments. I basically told him what i wrote in my post. He said that he doesn't know what needs to be done around the flat and that i need to tell him. So i printed a chores chart and stuck it on the fridge. It feels a bit stupid though because he is 36 years old and he shouldn't need a freaking chart on the fridge to know that he needs to vacuum or clean the kitchen or whatever.

He did the dishes after dinner last night, this morning before work he picked up his clothes and put them in the laundry basket for the first time in forever.

I told him that this weekend we need to clean the flat together. He agreed. Also we made a shopping list together and we are going to the supermarket on Friday.

During our talk he pointed out that i hadn't taken the bin out once or twice in the past few weeks and he feels that i disrespect him greatly by doing that because the first time it happened he asked me to take it out when it is full. So he wanted an apology for disrespecting him. Which pissed me off.

Given his age, he's not going to change. If he was in his early 20s too, I'd say maybe he just needs some time to learn how to live independently, but at 36 he is a fully formed adult and this is what he thinks his life should look like.

To be fair, you are practically living together and not working, so there is a case to be made for you doing more of the household stuff, but as you are also studying, you should be putting your time and effort into that and also you are setting a precedent for what life will be like once you're officially living together.

He won't suddenly step up and take responsibility for himself once you get a full time job, and once you have kids you'll be back here, at home more than him, but with your hands full, expected to pick up his dirty pants and being told that you're lucky to have him giving your a roof over your head.

If you love him enough to stay with him, don't stay over at his house, stop doing all his chores for him, invite him to yours and brightly say "would you wash up those pots while I make dinner" etc to set an expectation that you will be sharing tasks while he's with you. It feels nice to look after someone and to be the caring nurturing one in a relationship, but he doesn't appreciate you, he's making it clear that your practical help around his house isn't taken as an act of love, but as an expectation for the pleasure of his company.

You need to value yourself more than this.

Oh dear. Your update sounds quite positive until....

During our talk he pointed out that i hadn't taken the bin out once or twice in the past few weeks and he feels that i disrespect him greatly by doing that because the first time it happened he asked me to take it out when it is full. So he wanted an apology for disrespecting him. Which pissed me off.

I do hope you didn't apologise for not taking HIS bin out in amongst all the other shit you do for him.

Is there a controlling dynamic here, or some father figure shit going on? I know a big age gap doesn't always mean there's an imbalance, but this guy clearly feels superior to you.