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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at this comment about poverty?

552 replies

abacucat · 18/12/2018 23:52

I have been thinking for a few days about a comment a MNer made on a thread about poverty. She said that she has nearly been in tears because a woman at the toddler group she went to had a hole in her shoe and thus had wet feet.
I have a hole in my shoe. I got a wet foot today. I don't think this is a big deal or worthy of "nearly being in tears". Surely it is pretty normal to have to wait a bit to be able to afford to replace things like shoes?
I just do't see it as a big deal at all, and I think this comment was OTT.
AIBU?

OP posts:
gggggogogo · 19/12/2018 09:40

I have one pair of boots for dog walking and a pair of leather boots for going anywhere else. My going out boots are maybe 3 years old and very worn out. Nearly at hole point.

I can't afford to replace them plus they are super comfortable, bought in the sale and I expect would cost me more than £40 to replace. I do feel like people look at my shoes and judge me. But then they match my clothes Grin It's just life. I prioritise my DS so he has clothes, proper shoes, Christmas presents and I can do without.

My summer sandals died at the end of the season and I just have one pair of interview/ funeral type black heels which to be honest, I can't really walk miles in.

So I own 3 pairs of shoes. It is luxury to own multiple shoes. I did buy some shoes for a wedding but resold them on eBay after as needed some cash for toddler shoes.

Pandamodium · 19/12/2018 09:44

and ensured before I had children I would not bring them into a life of poverty.

I had savings when pregnant then I had a critically ill baby. DH had to take 2 months off work (self employed) as we were both so ill.

If it wasn't for an understanding landlord and family help we likely would of been made homeless.

SaveKevin · 19/12/2018 09:47

I cried when mine had a hole in as I didn’t know when I’d be able to afford to replace them.
It took a few months and I managed to get some with the double up nectar points.

It’s normal for me, but I don’t think it is normal.

PickledChutney · 19/12/2018 09:48

i would be surprised if someone didn’t own other shoes that they could wear until they could afford new ones. Who doesn’t own more than one pair of shoes?

MrsScamander · 19/12/2018 09:53

I have holes in the boots I'm wearing right now. I can afford to get a new pair, I just have stupidly large and awkward feet that I cannot easily buy shoes for. I do have other shoes, but they're not as comfy as my trusty black boots.

I also cannot get my size shoes in shops that produce good quality shoes, so I end up getting mid-range shoes from one of the only shops that does my size. Unfortunately they're not good quality and break after a few months Angry

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 09:53

I think there are so many very well off people on this site, that they have no idea how ordinary people live

I think this comment indicates that you think anyone who can afford not to wear holey shoes is in some way well off. This isn't the case. Or that they are not ordinary, again this isn't the case.

Take a look the next time you're out, it's really not the case that most folk are walking about with holes in their shoes and wet feet. Having to spend weeks through thr winter with cold wet feet because you can't afford to replace your only pair doesn't in some way make you not the norm.

I think it's the word, poverty, that's causing the emotion here, people are reticent to say they live in poverty so will argue it's the norm.

sanpelle · 19/12/2018 09:54

Broken shoes are not a sign of poverty. I have plenty of vintagewear that has stains and holes in them. They certainly weren’t cheap. ‘Steve’ with dints and dirt all over his BMW wouldn’t be judged and accused of living in poverty so why does ‘Kate’ with a broken sole on her H&M shoes get all the stick? So many sheltered people on this site I’m sure I’ve said that before. Many people have reasons why their shoes (or any of their possessions) are broken such as waiting for pay day, spending all money on christmas presents etc. Poverty is not being able to afford any shoes in the first place or even a roof above your head. Shoes are a man made concept anyway and we wouldn’t be using them if the world wasn’t such a dirt hole now, so no not a good meter for poverty judgement

Kismetjayn · 19/12/2018 09:55

Perhaps the woman crying knew more of the context. I would have been a little uncomfortable knowing we moved someone to tears when I couldn't afford DD's shoes (the buggy broke, she had learned to walk, so we walked everywhere and her shoes got very holey, but it was hot out, so we made do) but we were definitely in poverty, it was before benefits came in so we paid rent & bills and everything else came secondary.

We are a happy-go-lucky pair so I could see someone being that moved by DD's holey shoes given a lot are aware that we don't live to the same standard as they do (wealthy area, only young mother in the locale, no wider family support). We were given a pair of hand-me-downs to tide us over.

And in winter if DD, clothed in hand-me-downs and things from the local children's charity, was accompanied by me with wet feet (you have to take shoes off for the mats at baby group so no hiding it) again I can see some of the mothers there potentially being reacting that way.

I have a bit of money coming in now so it's not so bad but for many here we are the only people they know skating the poverty line, it's just not common here and we are only living here down to blind luck with a nice landlord. If we were living elsewhere it would still be poverty to not be able to afford shoes (and leads to foot problems) but may not elicit the same reaction.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 19/12/2018 09:57

Well I’m heartened to see most people here agree that not being to afford a pair of shoes in the depth of winter is classed as poverty.

We need to stop normalising relative poverty. Being able to feed, clothe and shelter yourself are the absolute basics. So many people are living hand to mouth in the uk now, one step away from financial disaster, it’s very sad.

Kismetjayn · 19/12/2018 09:58

@sanpelle because a BMW costs way more than a pair of shoes not only to buy but to run on a daily basis?

Shoes are a man made concept, wtaf

sobeyondthehills · 19/12/2018 09:59

i would be surprised if someone didn’t own other shoes that they could wear until they could afford new ones. Who doesn’t own more than one pair of shoes?

I would fall under this, I own 3 pairs of shoes, a pair of trainers, a pair of high heel and a pair of wellies, if my trainers go, which to be fair they are about to, then I am left with the wellingtons, we really can't afford a spare tenner since my PIP got taken away, we are just hanging on as it is

sanpelle · 19/12/2018 10:00

What does telling random people on the internet that they live in poverty really do for you? Is it fun, does it give you a big rush? Aimed at any PP who has done that on this thread. Anyone who has been accused of living in poverty this close to Christmas please send me a direct message and I will see what I can do to help!

FourRustedHorses · 19/12/2018 10:00

Broken shoes are not a sign of poverty. I have plenty of vintagewear that has stains and holes in them. They certainly weren’t cheap. these are a choice. choosing to buy vintage you know its pre loved and well used.

‘Steve’ with dints and dirt all over his BMW wouldn’t be judged and accused of living in poverty so why does ‘Kate’ with a broken sole on her H&M shoes get all the stick? because a car is a luxury and a pair of shoes isn't.

Poverty is not being able to afford any shoes in the first place yep. so having a broken pair and not being able to afford to replace them is exactly the same thing.

or even a roof above your head. this is homelessness and a very severe level of poverty

Shoes are a man made concept anyway and we wouldn’t be using them if the world wasn’t such a dirt hole now, so no not a good meter for poverty judgement so are houses and clothes but we use them all to keep us warm and sheltered and healthy. Shoes stop us from getting things like tetanus from stepping on rusty nails and broken glass.

sanpelle · 19/12/2018 10:03

😂😂😂😂 classic mumsnet here we go. So you could just walk into a JD store and grab a pair of trainers in 2000 BC? Why are people getting judged over things that technically shouldn’t exist. It was an example to say why do people get judged on cheap things rather than expensive things. It’s obvious really. Sarcasm, didn’t expect you to understand sorry! Anyway anyone that is struggling please message me as I’d like to bring some love and generosity back to the site

Whatthefoxgoingon · 19/12/2018 10:04

Thanks for that comprehensive comment fourhourses breaking down some really disingenuous arguments there.

Bombardier25966 · 19/12/2018 10:04

We need to stop normalising relative poverty.

This. Poverty in the UK is about not being able to afford absolute essentials, and a pair of shoes that protect your feet is an absolute essential.

Atalune · 19/12/2018 10:06

sanpelle you are being ridiculous

And you’re opening yourself up to the boards defending to scam you. It’s rife all over MN at the time of year.

Kismetjayn · 19/12/2018 10:07

@sanpelle I am so confused
Nothing about modern life resembles 2000BC but it should be more comfortable ideally? Within several thousand years I'd hope we could make some advances on quality of life...

FlorencesHunger · 19/12/2018 10:07

Can't say I've noticed anyone walking around with holes in their shoes but I would find it unusual, some might literally love wearing their shoes to death and some might not be able to afford new shoes at the time. You can't really tell which it is.

I don't have lots of shoes, but I always buy what I think I need or want a month or two in advance. As its out of season I usually get a good quality bargain.
I buy the odd 2nd hand pair and got a pair of ugg winter style vibram boots (not the traditional ugg style) out of a charity shop for about £15. Quality and cozy feet without breaking the bank.

If I was ever desperate for shoes I'd go to a charity shop £2-£10 for shoes and boots there usually.

sanpelle · 19/12/2018 10:07

How do you know the shoes or clothes you see that are broken aren’t vintage or the owner wants them to look like that? That was my point. Don’t judge people that you don’t know. Just going to say it one more time for the people at the back. SHOES ARE NOT AN INDICATION OF WEALTH. My father is incredibly well off yet has been wearing the same pair of sketchers for the part 2 years. I think they have holes in them. He’s not poor. Simple.

PookieDo · 19/12/2018 10:08

It is a shame people who feel this is poverty are assumed to have wealth. I don’t by any stretch, single parent 2 jobs do not get much CSA to help me out, don’t have family handouts, don’t own a home. If you use a poverty calculator I am on the edge of poverty on ‘paper’ due to rent and council tax costs. But I don’t go on holidays or nights out. I don’t class myself as poor, because I would be able to afford a pair of shoes and I can afford food.

Lizzie48 · 19/12/2018 10:09

We live on just my DH's salary, as I'm not in a position to work because our DD1 (9) has SEN. He's on a reasonable salary, but by the last week before payday I would need to wait until the money had come into the account to pay for new shoes.

It could also be that the mum in question simply hadn't had the time to buy new shoes for herself, or didn't want to do it with a toddler running around. That did use to happen to me when I had toddlers. I always made sure my DDs had new shoes when required, but didn't worry about buying new shoes for myself.

I would have felt mortified if another mum at the group felt sorry for me.

PookieDo · 19/12/2018 10:10

Many posters are not enjoying telling people it’s poverty. They are saying that it’s not ‘ordinary’. Agree I wouldn’t be able to make a judgment from one look as to someone’s circumstances but if someone told me they couldn’t afford shoes then this is what I would base it on

Bugbabe1970 · 19/12/2018 10:12

I don't think it's normal to have holes in your shoes and get wet feet sorry.
With places like Primark and shoe Zone I would have thought it wouldn't be unreasonable to think anyone could afford to get a pair of cheap shoes without holes.

Tanith · 19/12/2018 10:15

Yesterday I noticed two of my neighbours at the foodbank.

We are the 7th largest economy in the World; were the 5th until the Brexit insanity took over. Our Government has several multimillionaires.

IT IS A NATIONAL DISGRACE THAT PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY SHOULD HAVE TO WEAR BROKEN SHOES AND VISIT FOODBANKS TO SURVIVE

I am getting so sick of better off people dismissing poverty.

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