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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU here? Warning PIL related.

87 replies

GrinchyGrump · 18/12/2018 13:03

My MIL is very annoyed and upset because my DC have said they don't want to go stay in her house over the holidays. I have 3 boys age (nearly) 15, 12 and 8.

The only time she sees them is when she has wanted them to stay over with her and FIL. She also won't have them if it benefits me e.g. we want to go away for weekend, out one night or if I am sick. It is always on her terms. She has babysat for us once in 15 years. Her reasons are that she doesn't want me around when she is with them. She hasn't had them once at her house for the past 2 years because she has been busy with friends and always been playing bowls or on a cruise somewhere. Meanwhile my 2 eldest grew up.

She has asked to have them for 3 nights during the holidays (between Christmas and NY when DH is rarely off and we have lots of family plans) and my 2 eldest have said they don't want to go. They say it is boring and they just want to stay home or go out with their friends. My youngest doesn't want to go either. They say they just sit round watching TV what FIL wants to watchand do nothing and all PILs friends come round to see them and chat or they go round to PILs friends' houses to introduce them.

MIL has of course blamed me as usual. I am controlling and turned them against her. She has said that when they are older she will just go straight to them without having to go via me. I block her apparently.

I've told my DH that I am very happy for them to drive over and pick up DC and take them out. I've even suggested places e.g. films they want to watch, places they want to go to or lunch out but they don't. They just want them sat on their sofa.

I've told my DS's that they don't have to go if they don't want to. MIL has had a hissy fit though. My anxiety has gone up because whenever I don't tow the line I get some kind of punishment. I don't know what it will be, but it will be forthcoming. She hasn't dished it out yet so it is going to be a good one.

FYI, DH agrees with me and does stand up to her, but I am the one who clearly is manipulating him and my DC as he wasn't like that never said no before he met me Hmm. My eldest actually told me recently that he thinks PIL are pretty disrespectful to me.

AIBU to think that at some point DC stop wanting to sleep over at their GPs and I need to respect that? They also keep talking about taking DC on holiday abroad with them, but at our own expense. My DC don't want to go. Of course, that is my fault as usual. If I wasn't around DC and DH would do as they are told as do the rest of the men in the family.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 18/12/2018 13:06

Just carry on as you are and try and turn a deaf ear to their ramblings. Sounds like your DC are getting their measure.

FestiveNut · 18/12/2018 13:07

Sorry, punishment? Could you give an example?

I stopped sleeping over at my grandparents when I was about 10.

MRex · 18/12/2018 13:08

They sound a bit strange. Your older kids are old enough to make their own decisions, so I'd let them chat with PIL. Get them to think about what they want to say; e.g. we can do X with you on Y date but have other plans on other days and don't want to stay over.

Moneypenny007 · 18/12/2018 13:09

Ignore her. She is being a d...head.
Spend your Christmas with your boys and enjoy it. What's the worst she can do? By the sound of things they aren't overly involved either. Go low contact if she starts and block her number.
She is just acting like a spoilt child.

GhostSauce · 18/12/2018 13:09

Is she mad? Of course 3 boys of those ages don't want to just sit around the GP's house for 3 days and meet their friends. How is that fun for them?

Of course they would rather be with their mates at that age. She's barking.

Your DH needs to step up and reiterate to her that you have no hand in this, you do not speak ill of her to them, and it's only natural that 3 teen/pre-teen boys don't fancy that kind of thing anymore.

Santaispackinghissleigh · 18/12/2018 13:10

Your dc sound very well adjusted.
Unlike their GPS!
Block them right now.
Let dh deal with them.

Omzlas · 18/12/2018 13:11

YANBU and I think you know you're not

Give your MIL a massively wide berth from here on in, it sounds like she's manipulative, bitter and plain nasty. Sounds like your kids have sensible heads on their shoulders

Sexnotgender · 18/12/2018 13:11

They sound odd. YANBU.

NonaGrey · 18/12/2018 13:12

She sounds extremely difficult.

You sound like you are maintaining boundaries sensibly.

You need to detach a little from being so concerned about what she thinks of you though.

You know you aren’t blocking or manipulating your boys, your DH knows it and the boys know it.

Does it really matter what your controlling MIL thinks? It’s hurtful to be blamed obviously but it’s her issue not yours.

Escolar · 18/12/2018 13:12

YANBU. Stay firm, OP. You are right not to make your DC go.

Brakebackcyclebot · 18/12/2018 13:14

YANBU. Hold your nerve OP. Whenever you set a boundary with someone like this, they will inevitably push back. You have DH and your DCs in agreement with you. Couldn't DH help you out more? You seem to be bearing the brunt of a) communication of DCs' wishes, and b) her reaction. Why doesn't HE communicate these to his own mother?

PrettyLovely · 18/12/2018 13:15

I always find it really strange when people who cant be bothered with kids normally think they have the right to see children because its christmas.
Your kids dont want to stay dont make them, Sounds like her shitty behaviour towards you is coming back on herself as your children start to realise what she is really like.
Dont make your children go.

Brakebackcyclebot · 18/12/2018 13:15

Agree also with Nona - this is all about her, not you. She is projecting her own nastiness onto you. Don't accept it in your head.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/12/2018 13:16

Stop responding to these arrogant controlling People, they are clearly not relevant in your lives and bring nothing but anxiety so just ignore them. Switch off and relax, plus your DH really should be sorting this crap out not you.

lau888 · 18/12/2018 13:18

You are not being unreasonable. Absolutely, she can try tempting them to visit when they are older. I doubt they will have forgotten her behaviour right now though. You can't ask to borrow a person for 3 nights; people aren't things. You invite people to visit you. They've said no.

DeepanKrispanEven · 18/12/2018 13:28

She has said that when they are older she will just go straight to them without having to go via me.

Tell her she's free to talk to the 15 year old now, assuming that he's happy to tell her what he's told you.

CantWaitToRetire · 18/12/2018 13:29

I'm not surprised the boys don't want to stay over. At that age kids just want to be with their friends, on their gadgets, or if you're lucky, doing stuff with mum and dad, not having sleepovers with their DGPs! I agree with PPs that your MIL sounds completely batshit. What is it with these MILs who want to have their DGC without the mother being around?

I think your DH can do more to support you against her. He needs to be telling his DM that he won't have you spoken to/treated in this manner. He too can tell her that your DC do not wish to sleep over and he respects their choice.

I'm intrigued about the 'punishment' that she's going to dish out. What sort of thing has she done in the past?

RiverTam · 18/12/2018 13:30

Just turn a deaf ear to her, your kids are old enough to make their own minds up. She’s reaped what she’s sown.

StormTreader · 18/12/2018 13:34

She sounds like she very much enjoys being The Matriarch and having all the boys dance attendance. Taking them on holiday without you, at your expense? You're their mum, not the governess.

DarlingNikita · 18/12/2018 13:35

Her reasons are that she doesn't want me around when she is with them.

What a cunt.

Just ignore her and her 'punishment'.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/12/2018 13:36

I think if the GP did or had done loads of nice stuff with the grandchildren or helped you out loads it would be a nice thing to do as relationships work both ways.

As it is, they don't have the best relationship with them as they haven't bothered. Of course they're not going to want to go and why should they if GP aren't going to compromise and plan any child friendly activities. I'd get your husband to have a word.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/12/2018 13:37

She is the one with the issues, not your or your DS's. Just ignore her.

What sort of punishments does she use against you?

CottonTailRabbit · 18/12/2018 13:39

Punishment? Pah. Laugh in the face of it.

BarbaraRoyale · 18/12/2018 13:40

you are a better person than me , I would have ignored her years ago
She is now reaping what she sowed , she cant manipulate your children and she hates it
For what its worth , I think you have done a brilliant job of raising your children , they sound well balanced

Blessthekids · 18/12/2018 13:40

Stand firm. They didn't put the time in, they didn't engage their GC in fun activities and build up a bond and yet they expect to have some sort of amazing relationship? It doesn't work that way.

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