Who is BU here? Warning PIL related.

[GrinchyGrump]

My MIL is very annoyed and upset because my DC have said they don't want to go stay in her house over the holidays. I have 3 boys age (nearly) 15, 12 and 8.

The only time she sees them is when she has wanted them to stay over with her and FIL. She also won't have them if it benefits me e.g. we want to go away for weekend, out one night or if I am sick. It is always on her terms. She has babysat for us once in 15 years. Her reasons are that she doesn't want me around when she is with them. She hasn't had them once at her house for the past 2 years because she has been busy with friends and always been playing bowls or on a cruise somewhere. Meanwhile my 2 eldest grew up.

She has asked to have them for 3 nights during the holidays (between Christmas and NY when DH is rarely off and we have lots of family plans) and my 2 eldest have said they don't want to go. They say it is boring and they just want to stay home or go out with their friends. My youngest doesn't want to go either. They say they just sit round watching TV what FIL wants to watchand do nothing and all PILs friends come round to see them and chat or they go round to PILs friends' houses to introduce them.

MIL has of course blamed me as usual. I am controlling and turned them against her. She has said that when they are older she will just go straight to them without having to go via me. I block her apparently.

I've told my DH that I am very happy for them to drive over and pick up DC and take them out. I've even suggested places e.g. films they want to watch, places they want to go to or lunch out but they don't. They just want them sat on their sofa.

I've told my DS's that they don't have to go if they don't want to. MIL has had a hissy fit though. My anxiety has gone up because whenever I don't tow the line I get some kind of punishment. I don't know what it will be, but it will be forthcoming. She hasn't dished it out yet so it is going to be a good one.

FYI, DH agrees with me and does stand up to her, but I am the one who clearly is manipulating him and my DC as he wasn't like that never said no before he met me . My eldest actually told me recently that he thinks PIL are pretty disrespectful to me.

AIBU to think that at some point DC stop wanting to sleep over at their GPs and I need to respect that? They also keep talking about taking DC on holiday abroad with them, but at our own expense. My DC don't want to go. Of course, that is my fault as usual. If I wasn't around DC and DH would do as they are told as do the rest of the men in the family.

she doesn't want me around when she is with them

Wow. Quite the bitch, isn't she. Just tell her that you've asked them if they want to go, and they've said no.

Given that you are already in her bad books, @GrinchyGrump, I would be blunt with her:

"The children don't want to come and stay with you and their grandfather because they have such a boring time. Kids want to do more than sit on the couch watching FIL's choice of TV, or being shown off to your friends. If you want to have a relationship with them, you have to do things they will enjoy - like taking them out to the pictures - and make them feel you want to spend time with them, not just parade them round as a status symbol".

She’s being a twat.

Let it go and have a lovely holiday/break festive time with your family.

You’ve given her options which she doesn’t want. Not your fault

Of course they don’t have to go. You’ve suggested lots of alternative ideas, it’s up to PIL whether or not they do them.
If DH is on your side, and you don’t see PIL, how can you be “punished”?

Ignore and don’t give her headspace.

She’s gotten what she sowed.

What teenager would want to go somewhere and just sit on a sofa?

I'd have gone NC with them yonks ago. DH can deal with them and take the kids to see them is they want to go. which they don't and have clued up to their behaviour towards you

A very wise MNetter once said 'abusing the mother is abusing the child.'

What do you mean by punishment? Their is nothing she can do!

*there arrrgh

Perhaps punishment is too strong a word. Basically, if she doesn't get her own way, there are consequences. She does this to her other DC too. Maybe you won't think they are bad punishments. So, some examples include that once we didn't go see her on her exact birthday (went a few days later) so she didn't call us or answer her phone for a month. If her other DC don't tow the line they get ignored for weeks on end and sometimes DH's siblings call us up to see if we have heard from PIL just to make sure they are still alive! She does this to my DH too.

Over the years she stopped buying me birthday and Christmas gifts after I didn't do as I was told. She also gets FIL and SILs to send me to Coventry if she is not happy with me.

My punishment will be something like my name is not on the Christmas card or she will call up on Christmas morning and cancel our visit because "I don't make them feel welcome" or they will all ignore me Christmas Day. After all these years though she still hasn't learnt because when she calls up to be PA and say she is not coming or cancels on us my DH says "No, OK then" and just laughs. In a way I do think I have influenced my DH because he would never have had the guts to do this on his own. I do tell him that I won't stand for tantrums and that is how to deal with her.

Support your very mature sounding boys to tell her what is wrong with her plans. Let her put her case, let them demolish it.
She'll have nothing left.
FWIW I have two grandsons and I'm well aware that if I can't meet them in their interests to some extent we've got no grounds for relationship. So I make an effort. I watch films of their choice. I've cultivated a non-judgemental non-sneering conversational stance on Fortnite. It's work, like parenting. It's a challenge. They are fabulous lovely boys and I'm hoping it'll pay off and we'll stay connected. But I'd never, ever foist my company on them if they've got more age-appropriate things to do. What an idiot she is, seriously.

If I've said this once I've said it a thousand times.

There is no need for you to enable relationships for your children, with family members who show you no respect. It is a terrible message to send your children.

Given that your DH is onside, disengage. Ignore any direct messages to you, and tell DH that you don't want to hear any of her batshittery second hand. Ignore any punishment.

I have a relative of my parents' generation with whom my parents have no contact. They tried to maintain a direct relationship with me. I have no interest. They have given up. Your children will do the same. And it will give her something to bitch about at the bowls club. More power to her elbow!

What on earth do you mean by punishment?! She sounds mad

Your punishment is that she ignores you?? Why would you be worried about that? Sounds great!

cross-posted with you OP. You're doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing and have a lovely Christmas.

Your DH sounds like a good 'un.

Oh those punishments are hilarious. I do hope you are teaching your children to laugh at how ludicrously juvenile she is and to absolutely ignore such grantrums.

You are wasting too much mental energy on this. Step back. Breathe deep. Laugh. Carry on with your life.

If she acts like this id cancel Christmas visit now. Is she near to you. Suggest dh and any of the boys go round to see her on boxing day or when it suits all of you.

Don't view it as punishment, think of it as peace and quiet!

If your DH tells her to get lost, follow his lead.

Do any of those "punishments" actually hurt you in any way, OP? I'd have thought it's a bit of a bonus if she won't talk to you, I doubt that her Christmas and birthday presents are worth having, and if she leaves your name off a card, again it doesn't harm you. I hope you don't give her presents either?

As for cancelling on you at the last minute, just don't invite her. Tell your DH that you've had enough of going to all the trouble of cooking and preparing for her visits only for her to cancel at the last minute. If she invites you, either refuse or work on the basis that there's a good chance she will cancel, and be ready to say "Great, I can go out to XYZ now, I've been desperate to go."

Right. This needs to stop. You have given over too much control to this woman. Get your DH to speak to her and tell her she is never to behave like this to any of you again.

That punishment sounds like a reward given her batshit behaviour

She sounds exactly like my SIL - I've now got to the point where I've decided "why am I making the effort with someone who doesn't like me?" Would you encourage your boys to keep trying to be friends with a child who bullied them? So why do we do this, as adults?

My SIL didn't speak to me at all last Christmas (pretty much all of December) and complained that she had now spent 2 Christmas lunches without her baby brother (32 year old DH) because of me

My crime - asking DH if we could have lunch at home, just the 2 of us as it was my first without my DM and I was devastated (the previous Christmas lunch DH had with me and DM as we knew it was her last!)

Her reasons are that she doesn't want me around when she is with them.

My kids wouldn’t be spending any alone time with someone who said this. Very odd.

once we didn't go see her on her exact birthday (went a few days later) so she didn't call us or answer her phone for a month

Over the years she stopped buying me birthday and Christmas gifts after I didn't do as I was told. She also gets FIL and SILs to send me to Coventry if she is not happy with me.

My punishment will be something like my name is not on the Christmas card or she will call up on Christmas morning and cancel our visit because "I don't make them feel welcome" or they will all ignore me Christmas Day

All of these sound like ways off the hook/lucky escapes rather than punishments. You don't need to give a rat's ass if she isn't speaking to you or getting you presents.

Who asks now about Xmas? It's too late, people have made plans.
She's a nasty piece of work, ignore her. Dh is not putting you under pressure, you are under no obligation, nor are your kids.