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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU here? Warning PIL related.

87 replies

GrinchyGrump · 18/12/2018 13:03

My MIL is very annoyed and upset because my DC have said they don't want to go stay in her house over the holidays. I have 3 boys age (nearly) 15, 12 and 8.

The only time she sees them is when she has wanted them to stay over with her and FIL. She also won't have them if it benefits me e.g. we want to go away for weekend, out one night or if I am sick. It is always on her terms. She has babysat for us once in 15 years. Her reasons are that she doesn't want me around when she is with them. She hasn't had them once at her house for the past 2 years because she has been busy with friends and always been playing bowls or on a cruise somewhere. Meanwhile my 2 eldest grew up.

She has asked to have them for 3 nights during the holidays (between Christmas and NY when DH is rarely off and we have lots of family plans) and my 2 eldest have said they don't want to go. They say it is boring and they just want to stay home or go out with their friends. My youngest doesn't want to go either. They say they just sit round watching TV what FIL wants to watchand do nothing and all PILs friends come round to see them and chat or they go round to PILs friends' houses to introduce them.

MIL has of course blamed me as usual. I am controlling and turned them against her. She has said that when they are older she will just go straight to them without having to go via me. I block her apparently.

I've told my DH that I am very happy for them to drive over and pick up DC and take them out. I've even suggested places e.g. films they want to watch, places they want to go to or lunch out but they don't. They just want them sat on their sofa.

I've told my DS's that they don't have to go if they don't want to. MIL has had a hissy fit though. My anxiety has gone up because whenever I don't tow the line I get some kind of punishment. I don't know what it will be, but it will be forthcoming. She hasn't dished it out yet so it is going to be a good one.

FYI, DH agrees with me and does stand up to her, but I am the one who clearly is manipulating him and my DC as he wasn't like that never said no before he met me . My eldest actually told me recently that he thinks PIL are pretty disrespectful to me.

AIBU to think that at some point DC stop wanting to sleep over at their GPs and I need to respect that? They also keep talking about taking DC on holiday abroad with them, but at our own expense. My DC don't want to go. Of course, that is my fault as usual. If I wasn't around DC and DH would do as they are told as do the rest of the men in the family.

OP posts:

3timeslucky · 18/12/2018 14:11

Of course she's BU. Your children are well within their rights to not want to spend nights away with their GPs. I would't even engage with justifying or explaining. They don't plan to go this year. End of.

pippistrelle · 18/12/2018 14:12

Yes, those are bonuses, not punishments: embrace them!

neurotransmittens · 18/12/2018 14:13

Your PIL have had opportunity when the boys were growing up to spend quality time with their DGS's.
They chose other options. Fine.
Your DS's are old enough now to decide if they would rather spend their holiday time at home or with grandparents.
You have asked the boys and the answer is no.
That's really where this ends.

Ignore your MIL and her hissy fits. Get your DH to put a face on this (regardless of what his DM thinks) and let him deal with any animosity coming your way.

Have a lovely family Christmas with your boys without GP rules and regulations.

icannotremember · 18/12/2018 14:14

Her reasons are that she doesn't want me around when she is with them.

I would have stopped their visits as soon as she said that, tbh. And her 'punishments' sound like rewards actually- not having to speak to or spend time with someone who behaves as she does can hardly be counted as a punishment!

CemetaryGates · 18/12/2018 14:14

If she has the audacity to ignore you on Christmas Day / when you visit her, you simply leave, and let her know why.

She doesn't get to play grandmother of the year when it suits her either, it's no surprise that your boys don't want to sit on her couch minding their manners, or being trotted out like show and tell exhibits for her friends.

As for her "punishments" -laugh and let her get on with it. If your name isn't on the card, send it back to her. If she ignores you when you visit, leave. If she tells FIL and SIL to ignore you, let them go ahead and do it -but they can do so from the comfort of their own homes, and you can enjoy the peace in your own home.

neurotransmittens · 18/12/2018 14:14

To answer your question, they are BU

GinIsIn · 18/12/2018 14:14

If she doesn’t answer calls or texts then take the wind out of her sails - don’t call or text in the first place.

Mickeysminnie2 · 18/12/2018 14:16

Seriously? Buy her a mirror for Christmas and tell her she needs to take a good long look at herself, because you will not tolerate her tantrums.

Motoko · 18/12/2018 14:21

She might think those are punishments, but they're actually blessings. The longer she doesn't talk to you, or contact you, the better.

Really, you need to stop allowing her so much headspace. You might not give in to her tantrums, but she still has power over you all the while you worry about the consequences.

Don't go there at Christmas, if that's the plan. Have a nice day at home.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 18/12/2018 14:23

I'm surprised you put up with this for this long! My DD is 5 and the past year or so she has said she doesn't want to stay at nanny's as it's boring and I don't force her to go. I told my MIL that she doesn't find it interesting and that she has to actually spend time with her and listen to DD about what she's interested in, not what she thinks she should be interested in.

Grandparents need to show interest in their grandchildren otherwise the relationship fails. At 15 & 12 I'm not surprised they don;t want to go. Who wants to waste their Christmas holiday sat on someone's sofa when they could be out with friends and actually making use of that free time.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2018 14:28

My DS pretty much stopped overnights with their GPs when they were probably 12. And their GPs were wonderful GPs who kept them entertained and were very active with them! It's the nature of the beast, eventually children 'detach' from the grownups in their lives and focus on their friends.

I agree that her 'punishments' are pretty self-defeating! But I think it's the anxiety of waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop that's getting to you. Perhaps you should focus on that? Since it sounds like everyone in the family agrees that she's unreasonable, start by remembering that NO ONE thinks that you are to blame or being obstructive. I think if you could get rid of the anxiety 'Sword of Damocles' that she tries to hang over your head you'll feel better. And chances are she'll stop (or reduce) her 'punishments' when she realizes that not only to they not work, but that they're actually a reward!

ScrantonTheElectricCity · 18/12/2018 14:28

Why on earth are you even having dealings with her?? She is your DH's responsibility not yours. Step right away, block her number if necessary so he HAS to deal with her/ and her him.

Bluetrews25 · 18/12/2018 14:28

Oh, so she wants to be seen (by the neighbours) as the adored grandmother, then? That's why they have to go to her, when she wants. If she really cared about them, she would have wanted to see them at any time, any place, even if it were to suit you, OP!
Ha. Doesn't work like that.
My ILs were just the same.
My DCs did not get too bothered when they died.
They were gutted to lose Granny who always minded them when they were sick, and read to them and baked with them when they were little, and let them get on with their own stuff when they were older, and never, ever insisted on a duty visit.

NonaGrey · 18/12/2018 14:28

Ok so the punishment it to not speak to you. That’s easily and entertainingly dealt with if you take the right attitude to it.

Big smiles, breezy tone, cheerful response to any snide comments. Get the whole family to join in with determined cheerfulness and extreme courtesy.

Giving the silent treatment only works if the person you are doing it to reacts with upset. If they carry on about their business cheerfully and politely it’s ineffective but more importantly drives the person doing it bonkers.

Be calm, be polite, be kind but be resolute.

Only good behaviour is praised, ignore tantrums just like toddlers.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 18/12/2018 14:29

Ah, she wants display grandchildren. Like ordinary grandchildren, but purely for the purposes of showing off to her friends. It's a good thing that your kids can now see her for what she is and obviously if they don't want to go they shouldn't have to.

I'd say it's time for the gloves to come off now. You don't need to do anything to facilitate a relationship with your children and you don't need to be polite to someone who cares so little about your feelings.

Piffle11 · 18/12/2018 14:29

I wouldn't want my DC around people like that. Step away and let DH deal with them, on the understanding that the DC don't go anywhere near them. PIL clearly can't be bothered to actually do stuff with your DC, it's like they just want them to make life a bit difficult for you.

Returnofthesmileybar · 18/12/2018 14:31

Ok seriously you need to cop the fuck on, I am all for being nice to the il's, letting a certain amount slide because you respect they are your dh's family but you have done that so long you are actually allowing her to treat you like shit, why? Why would you do that? Even your kids see it ffs, grow a back bone!!

She needs the shock and awe treatment a sudden and sharp "oh for fuck sake, give over, they don't go because of you, because it's boring, delude yourself all you like and say it's me, whatever makes you feel better but you are only fooling yourself, this is all down to you! And do your worst, stop ringing, leave my name off cards because my new years resolution is to not see you for as long as physically possible you aul bag"

And then sit back and enjoy the relief not having her in your life brings

EhlanaOfElenia · 18/12/2018 14:43

If they don't answer your phone calls, send them a message telling that you will be respecting their wishes and not phoning. Then don't phone. Don't give them something to ignore!

If they drop your name from the card, send the card back to them, 'helpfully' pointing out their error.

If they don't buy you a gift, either don't give them one, or give them something ridiculous or horrible. A potted hyacinth that stinks out their house springs to mind....

If they ignore you at their house, you all pack yup and leave. If they cancel you at the last minute - "Brilliant we can do X, I was wondering how we'd manage to fit it in."

They only get the power you are willing to give them. Clearly they've already lost a lot of power, their DS doesn't play ball anymore, and neither do their GC.

Gina2012 · 18/12/2018 14:50

Why on earth are you even having dealings with her?? She is your DH's responsibility not yours. Step right away, block her number if necessary so he HAS to deal with her/ and her him.

This

You are enabling her behaviour

Pinkprincess1978 · 18/12/2018 14:52

It's perfectly normal for children to want to stop having sleep overs at grandparents. I'm lucky my in laws are fab grandparents and have them whenever we ask but at 11 my oldest really doesn't enjoy going anymore. He would rather be at home playing on his PS4 or able to go out with his mates.

Carry on as you are, let it wash over you and leave communication to DH.

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 18/12/2018 14:57

Stop giving this woman any head room. Stop trying to have a relationship with her. Polite, distant and if she ignores you just leave with your family. You are being far too passive.

Santaispackinghissleigh · 18/12/2018 14:59

When are you actually seeing her over Christmas?

MsTSwift · 18/12/2018 15:07

I remember a wise granny and mother of 5 herself at a playgroup with her grandson saying she was making the most spending time with him then as when they get to 12 you “lose them for a few years”. It doesn’t work the way your mil thinks it works.

Fluffyears · 18/12/2018 19:37

Punishment? I’d be pushing her buttons so I could be ignored!

ohtheholidays · 21/12/2018 04:06

Honestly being as your DH is on your side(which is brilliant I know not all DH's stand up for and by they're wifes when they're Mother's are involved)I'd go NC or LC with your Mil,Fil and Sil,your Mil sounds evil and your FIL and SIL are sheep going along with your MIL's behaviour towards you.

Stand by your DC's decision and teach them that you don't have to always do what someone else wants you to do!It will be a good lesson for them when they're older!

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