Mil - Is this normal behaviour or interfering/controlling?

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For every birthday she texts or rings DH to make sure he sends a card and present, then rings him later to make sure he has done it. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend (like trying to get DH to get a 50 pound birthday present for his aunt when she gets him nothing, sometimes not even a card). She even does this for thank you cards as well, telling us when we must send them. We didn't send thank you cards for the gifts we received for our son soon after having him so she send us a pack of thank you cards in the post to send people (we were busy and would have got round to it later). She even told DH who to send our baby scan pictures to, and that we must announce the birth on facebook. Just lots of make sure you do this then calls later to make sure he does it.

She didn’t want us to have a baby telling my DH "I hope your not trying for a baby". When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house step FIL sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right etc (worded in the nicest possible way and I’m sure it was MIL’s idea). She told my DH the maximum amount he should spend on an engagement ring. At my sons christening we were trying to take pictures and she was in my DH's face saying we need to donate (we were going to after taking some photos) and she was demanding to know how much. His brother once went on a blind date with a women 5 years older than him and she was shouting and shouting about the age difference (I was staying at her house and could hear the yelling through the walls). She once thought I said I was a couple of years older than I am and the look on her face. When we first started dating she said I should really make an effort and wear makeup. If he puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments like "ow dear". We have decided I will be a sahm because with the cost of travel and childcare I would be just about breaking even or paying to work depending on how many days I can work from home. MIL is not happy with this telling my DH I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery (not an option because she would hold this over our head).

She constantly talks to me and DH as if we are children. When DH told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. For the first month after giving birth she would ring every day, giving unsolicited advice and pointing out the obvious. I really have to grit my teeth when talking to her because she constantly talks to me like a child.

She uses emotional blackmail to try and get what she wants. Like after always spending Christmas at her house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas". One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I had a bad mastitis infection and I was devastated we had to top up with formula because our baby was losing weight. I especially didn't want to see her because she has been against breastfeeding since I have got pregnant making negative comments. She was constantly telling my husband "my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier, and they got a prep machine and it was so much easier, ill get you one and you can formula feed". She also came into my bedroom when I was trying to breastfeed and she told me “its just so difficult, there is really no shame in giving up”. Because she couldn't visit that weekend she was shouting at DH over the phone saying "I'm just trying to help", and then she didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from visiting and when will I be able to see my grandchild (we were just stopping her that one weekend). She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something.

She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here or say “I’m just trying to help”. She will deny things when its really obvious she is lying. She once made my DH buy a dress for me and his sister when they were in a store together. Mine mysteriously disappeared and his sister got it as a gift from MIL and when my DH asked where the dress was she denied all knowledge of its existence.

AIBU to be annoyed by this? Is this normal standard parent/ Mil behaviour?

OP, you need to put your dc first, it can't be good for you neither being with such a wet lettuce, obviously not attractive.
Why do you think he'd take the kids to his mums, they should be with you at home, let him go.
You and your kids are worth more than this and your dh is incapable of being a good father because he is like his mother.

Yes captainawkward.com

I have a terrible controlling mother in law. The only way to deal with them is to reduce contact to an absolute minimum. We see them one weekend a year and stay overnight in a hotel. Occasionally DH will take the children for a couple of days to see her but that is very rare and I don't like it because God only knows what my children will be told about me when I am not there and DH would not say anything to defend me in this situation.

It is a source of big tension between DH and me but at least we have come to this arrangement and that's that. He is not happy with it but I am afraid that's all I am prepared to put up with given her behaviour.

He talks to her on the phone and while I have asked him not to tell her anything about me he still does (because she is asking) and she then uses this information to have diggs at me when I do see her once a year. In response I tend to dismiss her judgemental questions/comments by just shrugging my shoulders and not saying anything further. Last time I sincerely could not help it and ended up rolling my eyes at her latest digg even though I didn't mean to. It was still a pretty effective response.

Occasionally DH will try and push to say that he wants to see his mother more. My standard response is that she is welcome to visit us (not overnight - her sister in law lives nearby and has a huge house and we don't so plenty of room for her to stay in comfort over there.) She hardly ever comes to visit because if it's not on her terms she won't come.

So the next step then is for DH to push for us to visit more often. I have learned over the years to simply mirror his mothers controlling behaviour and give him the silent treatment for 24 hours for every attempt undertaken in this direction and this is very effective in stopping them. It's utterly dysfunctional behaviour but I have spent over a decade explaining to him how unacceptable her behaviour is all to no avail. Simply mirroring her controlling behaviour for a short while works much better. I am not proud of all of this but this is the only possible way I have found to still maintain some sort of relationship with her without going insane.

whittingtonmum I can understand that. The only option, if you don't want to leave, is to make ignoring your wishes and feelings, have the same, or worse, consequences than than those his mother dishes out. It's the only thing he understands.

Trouble is, that then makes you as bad as her.

whittingtonmum Thanks for the reply, really resonated with me.
spent over a decade explaining to him how unacceptable her behaviour is all to no avail That's my DH, he just thinks that's just the way she is and accepts her

God only knows what my children will be told about me when I am not there and DH would not say anything to defend me in this situation I doubt my DH would defend me, and I also am worried what MIL will say to my DC when he is older, especially if its one on one contact. Probably things like "mummy doesn't really love you but I do, blah blah, she is so mean for not letting us spend time together". I am sure she will try bribery like "I would buy you more toys if we spent time together, but mummy is stopping it". (She has used bribery many times in the past to try to get what she wants)

He talks to her on the phone and while I have asked him not to tell her anything about me he still does (because she is asking) I have almost given up telling my DH to stop sharing with his mother because I doubt he ever will.

I have learned over the years to simply mirror his mothers controlling behaviour think this is the only thing that can/ will work and the only way to stay in the marriage and stay sane. Agree with what you say Motoko but feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place

You have to decide what's more important to you. Being married to a man who refuses; to be a team, to put his wife and family before his mother, to stand up for his wife, and protect her and his children from her toxicity.

I would have to leave, because I couldn't live with that lack of respect. I respect myself too much to allow that shit.

Oh, I forgot to add "Or leave".

Wow I wish I was part of this group years ago, my children are 11 and 6 and we were about 10 miles away from his parents, but the struggle we have us my husband runs his dads business so constant pressure gut him. I have gritted my teeth been nice and I have an added issue of a sister in law who has also been awful but she finally has met someone now which helps a bit. I have always blamed my self we have ended up a sure start for parenting courses and how to bring up the children, as they got older, it resentless. My husband still listens to her, he even has someone where we live working for him and he sees all of it as well!! I think if I leave she would love it do she can look after the children, I have just started saying fuck off under my breath all of the time, my parent have moved away to the other side of sussex and she has turned them against me!! I am saying fuck off even now.. husband is still clueless and throwing himself into rugby..

MIL here was terribly controlling for a long, long time. I let it slide, thinking it was the path of least resistance, and for a few years it was. When we has DS2 it all came to a head and we now see her once every 6 months or so; not NC but VLC.

DH and I came the closest we've ever been to splitting up; I was very calm, very definite that either he and I were a team, united, or he would choose to leave, because I couldn't remain in a marriage that contained three people. As awful as it was at the time, I wish I'd set out my stall much earlier. Now that DH has been through the worst of it it's almost as though he had to grieve for what he lost, which was so hard on him, but he's happier now he's not got to jump through hoops for anyone. Our relationship with the DC is very different to how he was raised and it's been so good for DH realising that he does know what he's doing, that he is an incredible Father and that things don't have to be done MIL's way.

Obviously his Mum now blames me entirely for the loss of her "soul mate" (not even joking - this is how she describes DH) and I am the very devil for cutting down contact. And I'm alright with that; I don't need to please her, to keep her happy or to appease her. She's spent 40-something years controlling people and now it's been removed I've no idea where she gets her joy, but it's no longer at the expense of mine.

What does DH stand for the H is for Husband what is the D for?

She sounds like my mum. ‘Helping’ aka being really controlling and demanding.

ZOMBIE

Mine isn’t a wet lettuce it is the total opposite, actually looking back at all the situations you gave described, I have put up with... DH played rugby for the 2nd team since 2015 when I hit 40, he had a head injury In 2018 and bleeding on the brain, and then had his driving licence taken away and then I had the drive him every Saturday to go and watch the rugby we argued constantly like mother and son looking back he keeps still saying it was alcohol driven from me, I now have given up alcohol to shOw it isn’t always me that is aggressive and fucking up! Then in September this year he had blood in his pee and then told he had kidney failure and was in for two weeks in hospital in which his mum was at his bedside and his sister .. he accused me of inconveniencing me because I had to look after the kids. The kids weren’t even worried because when we got there. Yes he tells them everything and he says that he doesn’t see them that often which is total bollocks.. he tells me he doesn’t have anything to do with them, but constant digs at mc e and my parenting skills are continually exposed, he also doesn’t have great word to say about my family.. he says he wants it to work, but as long as he has his mates and rugby and the business the kids aren’t interested in his rugby.. he does stay close to his dad too and his sister as well has just met someone which will take the heat off me for a while... also he works with his family and he will never be free of them totally. But as you say cutting off makes it expensive And probably selfish but for my mental health it would be much easier...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. She is way TOO involved. Boundaries methinks. You both need to talk to her, hubby especially!

Although I forgot to mention there is a mate he goes running with on a regular basis and his employee also seems to know everything about us too.. the employee is single in his 50’s and no kids!! The other Nate sits on Xbox works part time and goes to Stuttgart with him every year.. Another factor thrown in... 😀