To show your parent the kind of house you are planning to buy with your inheritance from them?

[DontShootTheMessengerPlease]

I visited my dad today, he was upset because my brother (who lives with him) has been showing him houses on rightmove that he “will finally be able to afford to buy when he gets his share of his inheritance”. By inheritance, he means from our dad.

My brother is in his 30s, doesn’t have the best paying job (but not the worst!), and often moans that his “life is crap because he can’t afford to the basics to live”, though he lives rent free and my dad is very generous and often ‘lends’ him money, which is usually never repaid. My brother is very materialistic, terrible with money and usually in debt. He is also not a terrible person, he can be thoughtful and I’d like to think he just wasn’t thinking when was talking to my dad about his premature plans for his inheritance, but the way he did it has really upset my dad, as he seemed to be saying that he didn't think he have long to wait!

My dad has asked me to speak to my brother about it, he feels that my brother was basically saying that he can’t wait for him to die so he can cash in. He doesn’t want my brother to mention anything like that to him again.

I’m so angry about it that I don’t really trust myself to talk to him about it at the moment. I’m considering writing something to him instead. AIBU to ask for any eloquent people to suggest what I could possibly say to him? Because otherwise I will just end up blowing up at him and making Christmas Day awkward for everyone in our extended family!

Reflecting on comments from people saying spend saved money...

The problem is, the way this country is going and people living longer the government may not be able to afford to keep finding care for the elderly. So if we didn't save anything and spent every last penny we run the risk of not having anything to pay for care and relying on children /friends / other relatives /neighbours /no one to care for us

There was nothing to inherit from my family but dps parents are quite well off.

His df died and left everything to his dm.

Dm is heading towards 100. She goes on several cruises per year. Weekends away with a group she belongs to. The large family home was sold years ago and was swapped for a lock up and leave flat.

So I don’t expect there will be anything left.

She did look into a particular home years ago that a lot of her friends had gone into but had to take into account that her family longevity would have meant she would have run out of money before she ran out of life.

You never know what might happen in the future so I wouldn’t count on anyone doing anything convenient like dropping dead so you can inherit.

If your db wants to own a fancy house then he had better start saving like the rest of things.

I bet if he had been a bit more careful with his money he probably could have owned one of those houses he was looking at now rather than waiting for a pipe dream

That's really grim of your brother. Really. He sounds like a cheeky fucker leech. Perfect position to save a hefty deposit if he is living at home rent free, but that's besides the point, you don't tell people what you'll spend your inheritance from them on.

Were I your Dad I'd tell him to find somewhere else to live for starters. My children joke about things, 'I've put my name on that' but I would be very upset were they so blatant.

When you speak to your brother you should remind him that sitting around waiting for his father to die is a stupid waste of life- it could be another 30 years and as others have said care is very, very expensive.

Use this opportunity to talk to your df as well about encouraging your dB to take control and move on with his life. It must already drive your dad mad. Perhaps it’s the nudge needed to take control and also for your dad to plan his finances in such a way that your dB is in no doubt that he needs to shift for himself.

Your brother sounds very self-centred, OP.

I hope your father is looking at downsizing to a smaller property on Rightmove too, one where there is no room for guests or freeloaders

It does sound as if your brother has already burned through his share of the inheritance with his earlier property exploits and is unlikely to get anything without his dad around to bail him out. If he can't do it now, he won't manage then either.

Money is not the answer for your brother. I would suggest your Dad gives him three months notice for paying full rent or moving out. Making him sort his life out will be a better and more immediate inheritance (does dbro realise he could be in his seventies, hopefully, before he inherits?)

You could always tell him that your dad has a record of all the unpaid loans and previous money gifts and of course this will be subtracted from any inheritance.

I think the days of inheritance are long gone for many families. The family home is now more of a pension scheme or care home provider.

I'm not expecting an inheritance and can see that we won't be in the position to leave our DC anything subsantial.

Your brother, as well as being incredibly insensitive, is probably in for a shock

Wow, sorry your brother has reached a new low in my view. I would call him, but plan out what you want to say first - something along the lines of what pallister said. Sorry you and your dad are upset.

Well whatever others would do, the point is that it upset Op's dad.

Although I also think that getting Op involved is unnecessary.

Tbh if it has bothered him then isn't the best thing to do something about it-such as stop enabling his son/make a will that reflects how much he has already given in terms of free rent?

I would have thought he would have been angry/pissed off more than upset-at the thought that he is expected to provide for his son not only now whilst alive, but also after his death!

Me and my family always joke about this!

We talk about what we will spend on the money and who our mom should leave her expensive teddy bear collection to etc so we can cash them in

It’s all said in jest though and we would never seriously talk about it.

This is not your problem to sort Op. If your DF is upset with your DB he should tell him so. Pitting siblings against each other to fight a parent's corner is a recipe for resentment.

I hope your dad has adjusted his will to reflect the fact that your cf brother has already had a house out of him (but managed to bugger it up).

I think something along the lines of:
“I dont really want to get into the middle of this but thought you should know that Dad is pretty upset at being shown houses you are scoping out to buy when he dies. He is going to be around for a good few years yet but you made him feel like you were counting the days and itching to get hold of his money! I am sure that this wasn’t what you intended but perhaps you could have a chat with him. Anyway, I am sure that, what with living rent free and all, your deposit is starting to build nicely so I am sure you wont need to wait too long and rely on what dad can give you! See you soon”

Yes I KNOW it commits the cardinal MN sin of passive aggression but I do think this brother sounds like an odious prick.

Posting quickly.
I would not wade in ‘on behalf’ of your Dad but support Dad to lay down his own boundaries.
If you do it your DB will respect your DF even less and see it as a boundary laid down by you, your relationship with DB will be shot, and your DF will not have an effective ally.

If this is my son I would say / write:
“You are my son, I love you whatever.
I felt very hurt and somewhat disconcerted by your showing me your Rughtmove plans.
Of course I want to leave you and your sister as stable and well provided for as poss.
But right now you are both able and earning adults and I am facing retirement income.
You need to stand in your own two feet as much as poss. I need to treat you and your sus equally.
I think it fair that while you live here you contribute towards the running of the house , wear and tear and its upkeep.
I suggest a rent of xxxx (about 25% below market.
As I say I love you, but would like us to live as adults and family who care for each other’s feelings. “

Then, when your DB reacts tell him calmly that your Dad is being fair, and that he didn’t think about his Dad’s feelings wrt Rightmove. Stay calm.

You could always tell him that your dad has a record of all the unpaid loans and previous money gifts and of course this will be subtracted from any inheritance

This is what I would say too. And point out that with the possibility of care home fees there might be nothing left to inherit anyway.
Your dad should be saying that himself though.

I would also definitely talk to your dad about power of attorney. If he sorts it now while he's in robust health he can forget about it but he can make sure you will be in charge and not his son.

Brother used to have a house but couldn't keep up with the mortgage payments? Now living rent free with dad and in debt?
Sounds like he will struggle to pay his own way in the future.
Kindest thing dad could do is get him some debt advice (some areas have CAP debt centre s which are free, or there’s some free government funded telephone advice services as well I think)
And get him on a strict budget to pay debts and a contribution towards rent. He’s not living in the real world it sounds like.

I thought you meant that they were giving him whilst alive! DPs parents gifted us his inheritance early and so we involved them in the process so they would know we weren't. Being silly fuckers with their money.
Your brother is well out of order! How horrid to think your son is excited you'll die to get your cash!

"Dad, I understand why you're upset. What DB said was insensitive and I'm sure made you feel unvalued and unappreciated. However, the personal interactions between you both are really not my business and not my responsibility to resolve. You need to communicate with him directly about this and explain why you're upset yourself. I hope it goes well and you can both move on from it with a good relationship in future."

I could have this kind of convo with my parents but we would all very clearly be joking. Your brother sounds like he has no empathy and if your dad is upset you should 100% call him out on it.

My SIL was exactly the same around her 'future expectations'. She's made her expectations to us very clear as to her lifestyle post her parents demise, give up work, buy a house with stables ( she lives in an area where property is relatively cheap) a horse box, a soft top car etc etc

She's never stood on her own two feet something that eventually led to her divorce. She has always insisted on an expensive two income lifestyle including horses (one for her, one for her daughter) but didn't work for years herself. Her husband was not a high earner so they were subsidised and bailed out time and time again by PIL.

She reluctantly went back to work but very very part time after not working for 15 years as PIL eventually saw the light and this was part of what was went to be a final bail out deal. It's a basic grade admin job but did have promotion and training possibilities but 8 years later she still on the same grade. Still wants the same lifestyle that she can't afford. Husband gave up and divorced her. She earns a pittance, refused to take opportunities to increase her hours post divorce and so the subsidising and bailing out recommenced including ensuring she had no mortgage post divorce. She insisted on a large 3 double bedroom detached house that she lives in alone, post divorce, she could have afforded a 2 bedroom terrace with no mortgage & no support from PIL but that wasn't good enough. She bought a new horse during this time.

However she is now in her late 50s, MIL has died, FIL has been in a nursing home for 2 years with dementia at £1200 a week, apart from the dementia he is fit and well with no other medical conditions. It is likely he will live for a good few more years and there will be little left. She has no pension (opted out of her work one), debts and it she will have to downsize her house as she already can't afford to run it. Since FIL has been in the home, the full scale of the subsidies she was getting has come to light. The penny has finally dropped and she is the most bitter and unhappy person I know heading towards a very financially difficult old age.