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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To show your parent the kind of house you are planning to buy with your inheritance from them?

96 replies

DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 18/12/2018 00:36

I visited my dad today, he was upset because my brother (who lives with him) has been showing him houses on rightmove that he “will finally be able to afford to buy when he gets his share of his inheritance”. By inheritance, he means from our dad.

My brother is in his 30s, doesn’t have the best paying job (but not the worst!), and often moans that his “life is crap because he can’t afford to the basics to live”, though he lives rent free and my dad is very generous and often ‘lends’ him money, which is usually never repaid. My brother is very materialistic, terrible with money and usually in debt. He is also not a terrible person, he can be thoughtful and I’d like to think he just wasn’t thinking when was talking to my dad about his premature plans for his inheritance, but the way he did it has really upset my dad, as he seemed to be saying that he didn't think he have long to wait!

My dad has asked me to speak to my brother about it, he feels that my brother was basically saying that he can’t wait for him to die so he can cash in. He doesn’t want my brother to mention anything like that to him again.

I’m so angry about it that I don’t really trust myself to talk to him about it at the moment. I’m considering writing something to him instead. AIBU to ask for any eloquent people to suggest what I could possibly say to him? Because otherwise I will just end up blowing up at him and making Christmas Day awkward for everyone in our extended family!

OP posts:

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 18/12/2018 00:38

Omg! I can't even...
Sorry no advice but i cannot believe anyone could be so tactless or hurtful. Sorry you're related to this tool

italiancortado · 18/12/2018 00:39

You should all say nothing just now and your dad should reduce your brothers inheritance to a rather small percentage of what he would have been getting.

pallisers · 18/12/2018 00:41

Is he on drugs??

Email him saying "dad a bit upset that you were sharing what you would do with your inheritance. You do realise that if you get an inheritance Dad will be dead? And therefore he mightn't be all that happy about it - being dead and all. He is a fit 65 (or whatever) year old and way off talking about what his heirs will be doing with his money. He may well need it anyway for his long old age. Presume it was just a blip on your part but wanted to give you a heads up that he is a bit upset"

Chickenwings85 · 18/12/2018 00:43

Oh wow! I have no words.
Having just thought about it after re reading your post, could it be that your brother wanted to show your dad the house to prove he wasn't going to waste his share and was seeking approval? It could be his clumsy way of saying "this is the type of house I will one day spend my inheritance on, is this good enough? Do you approve?" Sort of thing.

FadedRed · 18/12/2018 00:45

Arrange to meet you brother in a public place, or the park, where you can tell him in no uncertain terms what an arse he is. Loudly and using basic, simple English. And repeat. Tell him to stop upsetting your father, who is btw enabling him in his arse-ish ways by giving him money and allowing him to live rent free. Tell him to grow up, get his own place or pay rent to your dad, and live within his means.
Also remind him that dad may 1) out-live him 2) leave no inheritance (all dad’s money goes on care) 3) leave his money to charity.

PiningForTheFjords · 18/12/2018 00:47

What pallisers said. Also, do what I do with my Mum. Try to encourage Dad to spend all his money on fun and pointless stuff! Mum's always saying "I want to see you enjoy your inheritance while I'm still here" but I want her to spunk the lot on exotic holidays and fabby jewellery that she can enjoy herself. Her money is not my money, and the thought of losing her devastates me. Sorry your brother has been so awfully, awfully thoughtless

Original poster

DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 18/12/2018 00:47

@pallisers thank you! That is a good start! I may also add in that there's a good chance dad may outlive us both, he's a very fit 60 something! And also that I'm encouraging him to go on lots of expensive holidays next year!!

OP posts:

halfwitpicker · 18/12/2018 00:47

Not the best

GinIsIn · 18/12/2018 00:50

Ok, this sounds like something my brother would say, except he’s got Aspergers. If your brother is NT and just an arse then you should bloody tell him. And your dad should buy himself all of the nice and expensive things now and leave your brother nothing later.

Topseyt · 18/12/2018 00:53

Just tell him straight that he has greatly upset your Dad by so blatantly discussing what he plans to do after he (your Dad) has died. Tell him that this has made your Dad feel like an inconvenience and a cash cow.

Be blunt with your brother. He has been extremely tactless at best. Surely he needs to apologise profusely and promise never to bring it up again. I see no reason why your brother should not see and feel the consequences of what he has done. It might make him engage his brain before his mouth in future.

Topseyt · 18/12/2018 01:00

Palliser's words achieve all of that more succinctly than I could ever manage.

pallisers · 18/12/2018 01:05

By the way, I think it highly likely your brother was trying to guilt your dad into "releasing" some of that inheritance early - he probably hoped he'd say "oh son, I'd love to help you buy a house like that. How about I remortgage mine so you can buy now and not have to wait".

MattFreisCheekyDimples · 18/12/2018 01:10

My parents wouldn't have batted an eyelid at this. They would have regarded it as a perfectly acceptable hypothetical conversation. I sometimes wonder what other families do think is OK to talk about, as there seem to be so many taboos and no go areas. All that's by the by though, as it's your dad's feelings that are under discussion, not mine. I think it would be perfectly OK just to say, 'Dad was upset when you blablaba. Perhaps you could be more tactful in future?' No need for a big deal.

Being so angry you're considering writing to him as you can't speak calmly seems like an overreaction to me, and I think what's really getting to you is his long history of poncing off your dad. Is that what you're really wondering how to broach? Just a thought.

Original poster

DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 18/12/2018 01:11

@pallisers he's been there, done that years ago already unfortunately! Brother is terrible with money and couldn't keep up mortgage repayments, so it was sold and he moved home again.

@Chickenwings85 perhaps, but my dad heard it more as "my life is miserable as I have no money and can't afford to move out, but that problem will be solved when you aren't here"

OP posts:

Jux · 18/12/2018 01:13

Definitely encourage your dad to spend everything.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/12/2018 01:14

I think the reply from your dad should have been along the lines of... You are being very presumptuous. Who said I was leaving you anything in my will

moredoll · 18/12/2018 01:16

Sometimes I think it would be better if inheritance was banned, and you had to spend all your money before you died with any residue going to the state. It does seem to bring out the worst in some people.

MinorRSole · 18/12/2018 01:18

I don't think anger is an overreaction at all. I would be angry at anybody who made someone I love feel the way the op's dad must feel right now.
I have no idea what I would say op, I'm totally lost for words at the crass coldness of your brothers comments. How can he possibly think it's ok to be 'window shopping' and then to actually show the person whose life you are window shopping with! Just awful.

Monty27 · 18/12/2018 01:21

I've never heard the like. He should be deleted from the will

Topseyt · 18/12/2018 01:28

Of course anger isn't an overreaction.

Of course parents hope that their children will benefit from and enjoy any inheritance they leave them, but nobody wants their noses rubbed into a family member's plans for what they will do and how much better things will be for them once you are gone!

OnceUponAGiraffe · 18/12/2018 01:28

The more anticipated the inheritance, the longer lived the relative.

A few years of dementia care and it’ll be gone anyway.

my sister and I have been divvying up my mum’s jewellery since we were junior school age

nokidshere · 18/12/2018 01:34

I think you have to know your audience. My MIL would have laughed at such comments and told us she was leaving it all to the cats home. At other times she would say "I expect you'll have a ball with my money when I'm dead and I would reply with a list of things I was going to spend it on. But it was mutual "banter" and all very tongue in cheek.

I suspect that the fact that your brother is already scrounging and not helping himself hit a nerve and so the comments were perceived as serious.

Call your brother, tell him he's been an arse and upset your dad, and that he owes him an apology for being insensitive.

Original poster

DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 18/12/2018 01:37

@MattFreisCheekyDimples

I am angry because my dad is upset about it, it is very rare for him to show that he is upset and I hate seeing him like that. But he is because he feels that my brother is almost looking forward to when he is gone, as he is already "window shopping" as @MinorRSole put it.

OP posts:

Grannyannex · 18/12/2018 01:52

‘Dads asked me to have a quiet word. Said he’s upset about showing him houses you’d buy after his death. Doesn’t want a respect discussion like that. Anyway I think it’s better not to bank on receiving an inheritance as hes likely to have care Home fees or retirement costs. What with having no bills, you’re presently in the perfect situation to save your own house deposit though.

jessstan2 · 18/12/2018 02:07

It was an extremely insensitive thing to say. Your brother doesn't realise how awful he will feel when his dad dies, even when they are old (& your dad is not old yet) the loss, the gap they leave, is heartbreaking.

I'm really sorry your dad is upset by it. Sometimes people in families say things like that in a 'banterish' way but even then it can go too far.

Do speak plainly to your brother about it and try to get him to be generally more considerate towards his father because he only has one! He may be really sorry.

Agree it would be a good idea to encourage your father to spend a lot of his money while he can.

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