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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To show your parent the kind of house you are planning to buy with your inheritance from them?

96 replies

DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 18/12/2018 00:36

I visited my dad today, he was upset because my brother (who lives with him) has been showing him houses on rightmove that he “will finally be able to afford to buy when he gets his share of his inheritance”. By inheritance, he means from our dad.

My brother is in his 30s, doesn’t have the best paying job (but not the worst!), and often moans that his “life is crap because he can’t afford to the basics to live”, though he lives rent free and my dad is very generous and often ‘lends’ him money, which is usually never repaid. My brother is very materialistic, terrible with money and usually in debt. He is also not a terrible person, he can be thoughtful and I’d like to think he just wasn’t thinking when was talking to my dad about his premature plans for his inheritance, but the way he did it has really upset my dad, as he seemed to be saying that he didn't think he have long to wait!

My dad has asked me to speak to my brother about it, he feels that my brother was basically saying that he can’t wait for him to die so he can cash in. He doesn’t want my brother to mention anything like that to him again.

I’m so angry about it that I don’t really trust myself to talk to him about it at the moment. I’m considering writing something to him instead. AIBU to ask for any eloquent people to suggest what I could possibly say to him? Because otherwise I will just end up blowing up at him and making Christmas Day awkward for everyone in our extended family!

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 18/12/2018 06:25

Geez, that is so far beyond reasonable. Is he always this insensitive?

KingBobra · 18/12/2018 06:34

I don't think your should be the go-between here.

Seconding this. Encourage your Dad to talk to your brother directly.

ChishandFips33 · 18/12/2018 06:34

Your dad could start charging your brother rent/board and save it up for a deposit on something

"Dad took on board your comments about wanting a nice house in the future so is charging you £xxx per month from the new year and will save it for you a nice deposit. OR you can grow up in other ways, develop some tact and think about how basically saying you can't wait for dad to die has made him feel!"

Joking aside, your dad should really stop paying for him as it's just enabling him to be selfish, entitled and freeloading

I hope you can get it sorted without a fall out

Imalittleelf · 18/12/2018 06:37

It sounds like it was very poorly worded but to be honest i have been trying to convince my mum to write a will and assign an executor. I have also told her to be specific about jewlery, I.e her rings, I am the only daughter but she several GD , my brothers wouldn't be interested but I could see sil trying to get them for her girls.

My mum is not going anywhere soon and my parents have very little money however it's the sentimental things that they wouldn't sell which matter to me, things I will be able to remember them by. My mum can't see the point in a will which drives me mad!

Just say to your brother that he was being quite thoughtless and hurtful and it's one thing to think about potential inheritance, especially when you are aware of money that could be available, but it's not nice to bring it up as if you can't wait for them to die.

Also remind him that if any kind of care is required then it would need to be paid for so not to get his hopes up, after all it isn't his money, he hasn't worked hard for it and has no "claim" to it

Blueberryhill123 · 18/12/2018 06:38

If I were the OP's parent, and I had a ds who was living with me rent free, and who was checking out his future properties bought with my money, I would be telling my ds "because I'm paying for a roof over your head now and not receiving any board etc from you, I will be adding up how much you're already benefiting from me financially and increase Messenger's inheritance to ensure you both receive an equal amount of my money"

After all, this CF ds could be living free loading off his dad for years before he receives any inheritance. Why shouldn't the fact he's basically receiving money now be taken into account?

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 06:40

How horrible for you and your Dad OP. I wish I had the answers, I’m very LC (would be NC if my dad hadn’t begged me to at least communicate because of him) with my brother for very similar reasons. While our Mum was dying, he was in the next room, on her laptop, salivating over fancy big houses and cars that he imagined he’d be able to afford after she died. He then took any jewellery of value that hadn’t already been hidden from him (sentimental stuff I knew Dad would want to keep) and sold it, before asking for “an advance” the week she died.

I cannot even begin to start with how I feel about him, none of it good.

I’ve told Dad to leave his money to the donkey sanctuary, or to go round the world all inclusive, or do whatever he damn well likes with HIS money. Because it’s his, not mine and not my brother’s. I sincerely hope he does blow the lot/donate it, because my brother needs a boot up the arse.

SymphonyofShadows · 18/12/2018 06:44

He should be paying rent to cover his costs not to be put away for a deposit. In fact this manchild needs to move out and stand on his own two feet. Why can’t he rent a room somewhere?

FWIW, my sisters quite often discuss what they are going to do with ‘their’ money from our elderly DM. I’ve pointed out that one fall would be all it would take for her to go into care home. They ignore it though.

ScrambledEggForBrains · 18/12/2018 06:52

Tell your dad to spend it all and live life. That’s what we’ve told my dad! He has earned it after all.

bumbleymummy · 18/12/2018 06:58

Shock That’s awful! Your poor Dad.

Is there any way your brother might have been trying to suggest that your Dad pays him ‘his inheritance’ early? ‘I could buy this house and move out if you give me the money now’?

Weenurse · 18/12/2018 07:00

I constantly tell my Mum ‘there is no pockets in shrouds, you can’t take it with you when you go. So spend it now’
She is 86 and has taken up cruises since she turned 80.
She has done the Mediterranean and a number of 2 week cruises around Australia.
The women in our family get dementia and generally live into their 90’s, so I anticipate care required at the end.
A childless uncle passed away a couple of years ago, so I have made sure some money has been put away for care when it is needed.
She has told me which home she wants to go to.
My sister in law found all of this conversation very confronting and did not want to talk about things.
Different families have different boundaries

Minesril · 18/12/2018 07:03

He's an idiot.
The only reason it's taking me ages to save up a deposit is that we're throwing well over a grand at rent a month. He lives rent free!! He should be laughing!

TheBigBangRocks · 18/12/2018 07:03

Tell him to spend it all now or start giving it away to a charity he supports. Mine would get nothing if they had said that to me, truly awful.

crumpet · 18/12/2018 07:06

Nothing to stop your dad giving it all to a donkey sanctuary. Might be as well for your brother to bear that in mind...

ExFury · 18/12/2018 07:10

I wouldn’t tell your brother there might be no inheritance because of care fees - the only person I know rude enough to talk to their parent the way he did also constantly talks about how “wasted” money will be in care home fees and how “they” should’ve been smarter and sorted “the money” before that point came. The parent in the care home is frequently left upset as they feel their child - who they’ve helped to the tube of thousands over the years - really grudges them the care they need and wishes they’d died rather than get unwell.

INeedNewShoes · 18/12/2018 07:32

I'm stuck and can't see past you saying that although he has a reasonable job and is living rent free, your father is lending him money. Surely his salary should cover everything he needs/wants when he's not even having to pay living costs.

He should be saving £1000 per month towards a deposit!

PumpedUpTermite · 18/12/2018 07:32

Do you reckon he was trying to drop hints for your dad to give him his inheritance now??
Either that or he’s got a frankly shocking lack of tact!

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 18/12/2018 07:36

"Dear Dad,

I'd like to show you the house I will buy with the money I will receive when you kick the bucket. If you will just step this way I want to show you the very dodgy staircase with loose floorboards and steep risers that is a feature of the house that I will buy when you pop your clogs.

Love

Your son"

BarbarianMum · 18/12/2018 08:06

So what's the xeal bw your dad and your brother? Why can't your dad speak to your brother himself and why does he keep him rent free?

MsTSwift · 18/12/2018 08:10

We are not French your father can leave his estate to the cats home if he wants and nothing sonny jim can do about it. Plus care fees. There’s a reason most adults earn their own money and don’t rely on inheritances

ShizeItsWeegie · 18/12/2018 08:12

This is truly shocking. A man in his sixties could live another 35 years easily and spend all his money along the way and good on him!

My sister (with whom I am NC for the last 11 years now) did something almost as bad. DDad died and made a clever will and arrangements to make sure she only got 2k. She was apoplectic with rage. She had it coming though after her behaviour. He didn't want her to have anything as she had gouged him for thousands over the years. The solicitor made it clear that he had to give her something as it was less likely she would be successful if the will were contested. I will never forget the furious phone call I had (as the executor) from her. Part of why I am NC with her but only a tiny part. She is a revolting excuse for a human being.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 18/12/2018 08:23

This is normal behaviour in many families, we have always joked about it and have always nominated other family members to inherit car boot crap my grand mother buys, that doesn't mean we want them dead it just means we know everyone will die, we also regularly joke about cats' homes equally we know it could go on care or fancy holidays and we don't care because it isn't our money it's our parents and grandparents to do with what they want.

However if it upset someone or made them feel uncomfortable then we wouldn't do it.

AornisHades · 18/12/2018 08:32

On a serious point, depending on your dad's age it might be worth bringing up power of attorney and getting that sorted so you can have it if it's ever needed but not your brother.
My parents have it all sorted in case we ever need to make decisions. They trust us to do the right things :)

DonderandBlitzen · 18/12/2018 08:40

It's like he was saying "I can't wait til you die so I can get the house I deserve!"

brizzledrizzle · 18/12/2018 08:45

Nothing to stop your dad giving it all to a donkey sanctuary. Might be as well for your brother to bear that in mind...

Yes, it'd best give it to several deserving asses rather than one entitled, selfish ass.

italiancortado · 18/12/2018 08:45

This is normal behaviour in many families, we have always joked about it

It might be normal behaviour in YOUR family, but its not normal behaviour across all families. Surely you are aware that we don't all joke about sensitive issues?