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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To show your parent the kind of house you are planning to buy with your inheritance from them?

96 replies

DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 18/12/2018 00:36

I visited my dad today, he was upset because my brother (who lives with him) has been showing him houses on rightmove that he “will finally be able to afford to buy when he gets his share of his inheritance”. By inheritance, he means from our dad.

My brother is in his 30s, doesn’t have the best paying job (but not the worst!), and often moans that his “life is crap because he can’t afford to the basics to live”, though he lives rent free and my dad is very generous and often ‘lends’ him money, which is usually never repaid. My brother is very materialistic, terrible with money and usually in debt. He is also not a terrible person, he can be thoughtful and I’d like to think he just wasn’t thinking when was talking to my dad about his premature plans for his inheritance, but the way he did it has really upset my dad, as he seemed to be saying that he didn't think he have long to wait!

My dad has asked me to speak to my brother about it, he feels that my brother was basically saying that he can’t wait for him to die so he can cash in. He doesn’t want my brother to mention anything like that to him again.

I’m so angry about it that I don’t really trust myself to talk to him about it at the moment. I’m considering writing something to him instead. AIBU to ask for any eloquent people to suggest what I could possibly say to him? Because otherwise I will just end up blowing up at him and making Christmas Day awkward for everyone in our extended family!

OP posts:
Armchairanarchist · 18/12/2018 02:08

DB better hope your father never needs residential care. Our aunt's comes in at just shy of £1,000 per week. After plowing through £100,000 in cash we had to sell her home.

Original poster
DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 18/12/2018 02:18

@jessstan2 yes I think it's also hit a nerve with me because the idea of dad not being here anymore is unthinkable to me. I can't sleep for thinking about it now.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 18/12/2018 02:27

I'm 67 and it wouldn't bother me too much if one of my dc said that to me. I still consider myself reasonably young and would just have said no point in looking at Rightmove, as I intend to be here for another twenty years!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 18/12/2018 02:28

he's a very fit 60 something!

This is the kind of thing you might gently broach with a parent in their 80s or 90s and in poor health, but even then, you would base it around what THEY want: e.g. enquiring subtly as to what kind of funeral they'd like 'when the time eventually comes' or checking (without any suggestion of pressure, or prying for details) that their will is up to date and exactly how they want it to be.

Also, there's nothing wrong with appreciating an inheritance when you do come to receive it - and enjoying the opportunities that it can open up for you - but very much as a silver lining to the massive cloud of losing a loved one, whom you'd always much prefer to still have than the money. I realise not everybody has kind parents like this, whose loss they mourn, but from everything OP says, it sounds like he is a loving, caring father (even if maybe misguided in sometimes offering too much help).

However, effectively telling a healthy older-middle-aged person that your life is very difficult, but all your problems could be solved at a stroke if only they could hurry up and die is crass in the extreme.

It would be like setting time aside for a serious discussion with your partner but, instead of broaching the subject that you're still fond of them but now maybe don't see your long-term future together, just whipping out your phone and showing pictures and profiles of all the hotties you'd much rather be with; giving intimate details of what you'd like to get up to with them - and fully intend to once this millstone has got their ugly, boring butt out of your life and stopped holding you back.

If I were your DF, I'd start sowing seeds of doubt, telling him about all the expensive depreciating assets I'm thinking of buying and special worthy charities I'd love to consider making a huge bequest to. That would certainly make it abundantly clear whether he just worded what he said very badly or is truly heartless and scheming. If the latter, your DF may well decide to go ahead and actually do so, and why ever shouldn't he?

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/12/2018 02:32

I know a guy who used to think when his aunt died he would be in the money. She had lived in a little cottage in the middle of the town, since the the town was a tiny village.

He died before her. She reached a 100 and kept on going.

Itssosunnyout · 18/12/2018 03:00

Awful behaviour from your brother. How awkward for you and terrible for your dad.

Your brother can make changes in his own life and shouldn't be so focused on cashing in from your DF death. There is such a thing as investing in yourself I.e open uni, on the job training with the aim to get a better paid position.

We all want the fine things in life but its a want not a need.

pallisers · 18/12/2018 03:39

I sometimes wonder what other families do think is OK to talk about, as there seem to be so many taboos and no go areas.

We manage to find lots of things to talk about without talking about our possible inheritances. I would find it quite strange if a family regularly sit around the table and say "well when dad (age 65) dies of course we will all be able to buy a holiday home". My MIL is aged 80 and has quite a lot of lovely silver and jewellery - as well as property and money. Funnily enough when we get together we talk about art, politics, family, jokes, etc, We rarely feel the need to talk about who will get her silver when she is dead. The conversation never dips quite that ar. And, you know, we kind of feel the word "DEAD" as relating to her might resonate a bit for her in the conversation. Plus we quite like her being around.

Coyoacan · 18/12/2018 04:10

I don't think your should be the go-between here. Your dad should give him notice and set about having a good time, frankly.

justilou1 · 18/12/2018 04:10

Omg - he's basically doing the sad-eyed daily mail victim and saying "I can't afford to buy a house until my parents die" bullshit, but going straight to the horse's mouth. Trying to guilt-trip your dad into handing over his inheritance now. My brother was like that (only my mother died young and gave him the lion's share, which his pissed up against the wall and now he calls me asking for money now.)

StillMe1 · 18/12/2018 04:26

I found out that a family member was being "encouraged" by some younger relatives to spend a lot of money on something which would not be the older person's normal choice. I put a stop to that and apparently I am so bad!
A bit later I inherited money and the same younger relatives were making "suggestions" as to what I should spend money on. Again I decided against that.

There have also been requests for loans which have not been repaid or just repaid for a little time.
I had no intentions of not helping younger relatives but this constant demand has been awful. They don't seem to see that the money belongs to the respective owners at the time and not them.
Given the grabby nature going on I can only decide to spend money as I wish on myself and spend the future inheritance. However never having been the selfish self-centred type I am struggling against the habits of a lifetime to spend, spend, spend.
This decision was brought about by the grabby attempts to get hands on inheritances even prior to deaths.

longwayoff · 18/12/2018 04:32

Hey bruv, dad was so upset he told me he's leaving half to me and the rest to Shelter.

Mayrhofen · 18/12/2018 04:43

This is not as uncommon as you may think. BIL that I don't like whi is always on the scrounge said very recently to his father, that he wasn't bothered about his parents splitting up after 50 years of marriage just as long as "he got his cut when they were gone" Shock what a rat..

My manager's mum was in hospital a few weeks ago, sadly end of life. When my boss and his brother were told she only had a few weeks, boss's brother went out a bought a brand new motorbike. He didn't have any money for a motorbike.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/12/2018 04:47

Wow your brother is an insensitive dick, isn't he?!

No wonder your brother was upset, I think anyone would be!

I'm sorry I can't think of a useful way to address this without being angry, because actually it deserves an angry, or at least a shocked response!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/12/2018 04:48

...your father was upset...

not your brother, whoops!

NotAnotherUserName5 · 18/12/2018 05:18

Did your dad just sit there and say nothing when he did this? Why does he want you to bring it up with him? Surely it’d be better coming from your dad.
Yanbu to be mad, but I think your dad should be the one to have a word with him in it.

TheSandgroper · 18/12/2018 05:18

I’m inclined to point out that his dreams are all very well but the reality of 21st century living is that self funding your own life doesn’t stop until the money runs out and that care is expensive. Say quite firmly that there will be nothing left and he can shut about it now. But good luck with that.

Birdsgottafly · 18/12/2018 05:37

As well as your right to be angry and telling your Brother straight, your Brother needs to face up to reality. Many people are living until mid 80's.

He obviously, still isn't seeing it as his responsibility to sort out his life and get his spending habits in check. Which is worrying.

I knew a young man, now in his early 20's, who had decided what he was going to do with his inheritance from his GPS, but that was immaturity. He's now realised that it may never fully materialise, until he's in his 40's, so he's working full time and has housed himself.

LoubyLou1234 · 18/12/2018 05:37

Wow he needs to buck his ideas up and rely on himself not your dad. I hate this kind of thing, your dad is very much alive and deserves to spend it/live life comfortably as he has probably worked hard to be in that position. He could live for decades yet.
If it was my sibling I'd be angry and quite blunt tbh. He does realise that inheritance can disappear with care needs very quickly? Not that he should bloody be waiting for it, that's awful for your dad to be aware of.

echt · 18/12/2018 05:53

While I can see the dad is upset, it's a bit much asking his DD to be the go-between. One obvious solution for dad is to scale back his "loans"; he's set up expectations and enabled his son's CFness.

Also by brokering this, the DD lays herself open to "That wasn't what I meant". If you want to go down this route, write down what you intend to say, show it to dad and say will this do?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 18/12/2018 06:06

That was my immediate thought too - why is your Dad asking YOU to talk to your brother about it? But if you do decide to, I"d go at it from the "did you mean to be so ungrateful? angle and point out how much he could be saving if he put aside all the money he should be paying on rent at this age and which he has the tremendous advantage of being able to save because your Dad is so generously allowing him to live with him rent free.

Birdsgottafly · 18/12/2018 06:12

"That was my immediate thought too - why is your Dad asking YOU to talk to your brother about it?"

If the OP's Dad is 'old school', doesn't want to show his emotions, share how he's feeling etc, it could be that.

I'm 51, I've got Friends who are starting to have health issues. There's people in the media dying who are only 10-15 years older than me.

It can be a good thing, it can make you focus on what you want from life, whilst you can still live it.

But it does bring up fears and worries as well. Which the Father may not want to share with his selfish, sponging Son.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 18/12/2018 06:13

Your father needs to charge him rent so he is used to budgeting. Even if the rent goes towards savings for a deposit. Your brother might see it all disappear in care home fees and be left with nothing. He would be homeless and penniless.

NerrSnerr · 18/12/2018 06:15

Lots of people do this. I know someone who got into massive debt paying for his daughter to go through university as he was expecting his elderly mother to die. Unfortunately she had a stroke and needed to be moved to a care home. He was of course massively against this as it meant spending her money.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 18/12/2018 06:18

I'm not sure I grasp the point of your post Birds. Anyone can die at any moment. Are you saying the son is doing the dad a favour by making him think about his own mortality? Or what?

NicoAndTheNiners · 18/12/2018 06:22

Think you also need to point out that there may be no money to inherit. For all anyone knows your dad could live to 100 but need 20 years of nursing home fees.